Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 13-02-2013
Here are some more of Woody Allen’s classic jokes:
I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
I’m short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.
I’m so excited—I think today I’m going to brush all my teeth.
In the event of war, I’m a hostage.
I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
I’m astounded by people who want to know the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought — particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.
My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5′7″, it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.