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Funny One-Liners by Mitch Hedberg

Here are some very funny one-liner jokes from comedian Mitch Hedberg: I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me. I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night...

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What’s Wrong With a Dog’s Life?

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 02-03-2010

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I love dogs and have several through my life. But as with anything you really love they can also be a great source of humor:

I don’t know why they call a dog man’s best friend.  I have never had a friend over to my house and then he peed on my carpet.

When he was a puppy he would wet the carpet so much instead of bringing my slippers he’d bring me my goulashes.

He’s a good watch dog, unfortunately all he watches out for is female dogs in heat.

The mailman complained to me that my dog was always trying to bite him in the ass.  I said it could be worse.   Just be happy the dog’s not gay…

Sometimes my dog irritates me.  He likes to sleep right in the middle of the bed between me and my wife.  Not only is he ruining our sex life, but when I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night he likes to rub it in by humping my leg.

I never had much luck training dogs.  We were out for a walk and I said to him ”heel”.  He looked at me offended, and said “asshole.”

People complain about working like a dog. I don’t see the problem there.  My dog sleeps most of the day, gets to eat and not clean up after himself, and he gets his crotch licked any time he wants it.

darnfunnyonline.com

Pets are Good Medicine and More

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 17-11-2009

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Here are some fast humorous thoughts inspired by my dog.

Pets are often thought of as good medicine for sick people.  The Vietnamese take it one step further.  Pets are not only good medicine, but also good for lunch. (Note to self – never go to Vietnam and order a hot dog.)

People talk about a “dog’s life” like it’s a bad thing. Let’s see, they get to lay around and sleep all day, they get their food served to them, and they can lick themselves whenever they want.

Pets are useful in so many ways, like how Lassie would save Timmy every time that idiot kid fell down the well by getting his parents.   Now if Lassie could just learn to go down the well herself and pull the kid out without bothering the parent, so they could finish their martinis, then you really have something.

Dogs are much more loyal than cats.  Dogs will stick with their owners no matter what, whereas cats are more the like the Bill Clinton of pets, they wander around and you never know where they’ve just been.

Once my dog got house trained he would always relieve himself at the same place.  I swear he is the one who wrote the famous poem that starts out “I think that I shall never see a toilet lovely as a tree.”

I haven’t had much luck training my dog.  We were out for a walk and I said to him, “Heel. “  He looked at me kind of offended and said, “Asshole!”

darnfunnyonline.com