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Recent Letterman Top Ten Lists

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 27-06-2011

Tags: , , ,

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Here are some top ten lists from the Letterman shows of last week:

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Reasons to Watch the New ‘Countdown with Keith Olbermann’ (presented by Keith Olbermann)”

10. You’ll want to treat yourself to a larger television to accommodate my giant head.
9. Now that Oprah’s gone, I want to be your new best girlfriend.
8. It’s the only show on television that’s not a damn singing contest.
7. Tomorrow Hugo Chavez stops by to make his famous Jalapeno Wowzers.
6. We are neither fair, nor balanced.
5. Special news commentary from my hand puppet, Topo Gigio.
4. What else are you going to do with your time, read?
3. I just hired Paul Shaffer as my musical director — I’m sorry, Dave.
2. Better watch now because things could go wrong in a hurry.
1. Some lucky viewer gets tweets of my penis.

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Signs Al Qaeda Is Running Out of Money”

10. Switching from name-brand to generic plastic explosive
9. Jerry Lewis is hosting Al Jazeera’s first ever jihad-a-thon
8. Ayman Al-Zawahiri closed latest videotaped message with, “And now a word from Valvoline”
7. New catchphrase: “Death to Bill Collectors”
6. Shoe-bombers encouraged to shop at Payless
5. No more free soda in the 11th floor refrigerator
4. Reducing afterlife payment to 71 virgins
3. Training camps rented out on weekends for bar mitzvahs
2. Canceled ambitious plan to put a Mullah on the moon
1. Bet entire budget on the Miami Heat

darnfunnyonline.com

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week – 09/03/10

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 03-09-2010

Tags: , , , , , ,

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians.  Many are still off this week but we have Jay Leno, Craig Ferguson and David Letterman:

“Last night in only his second Oval Office address, President Obama announced the end of Operational Iraqi Freedom. He said we have given the Iraqis a Western-style government. Well, we certainly have, haven’t we? Their economy is in shambles, their Congress is corrupt, the country is broke, welcome aboard!” –Jay Leno

“Before President Obama’s address, he called former President George W. Bush. I’m not saying the economy is bad, but he called collect.” –Jay Leno

“I guess they had a pretty cordial conversation. President Bush said for the last 19 months, he’s been relaxing and playing golf. President Obama said, ‘You too?’” –Jay Leno

“President Obama said that too many Americans are struggling to find jobs. You know what these Americans are going to be called? Democrats.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama was in New Orleans for the fifth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Halfway through his speech, FEMA finally showed up.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama said he can’t walk around with his birth certificate plastered on his forehead. Apparently he was reacting to new polls that show 1 in 5 Kenyans now believe he was born in Hawaii.” –Jay Leno

“Congress is very upset with Roger Clemens because they feel like they were lied to. Good! Now they know how we feel.” –Jay Leno

“I just got back from vacation. I went on vacation the same time as President Obama. We both had to get away from it all and not do anything of significance. And now we are back and still not doing anything of significance.” –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Things Never Before Said In An Oval Office Address”

10. “Gotta keep this short because I’m going on another vacation”
9. “Watch how fast I can spin in my chair . . . Wee!”
8. “Who wants Justin Bieber tickets?”
7. “Tonight’s Oval Office address has been brought to you by Jimmy Dean Pure Pork Sausages”
6. “Kneel before General Zod!”
5. “Now I’d like to share a poignant story about Frank Sinatra”
4. “Earlier today I met with Vice President, Secretary of State, and Late Show audio technician Tom Herrmann”
3. “CAA sent over lunch. There are steaks and sandwiches in the conference room”
2. “Just back from a pleasure trip — took my mother-in-law to the airport. Hiyo!”
1. “Just like most of America, I’d rather be watching ‘Glee’”

darnfunnyonline.com