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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Things Passengers Said After Getting Off The Carnival Cruise

Friday, February 15, 2013

10. “You know, it’s not the worst Carnival Cruise I’ve taken”

9. “I loved everything about the trip except the raw sewage”

8. “I didn’t find love, but I did catch campylobacteriosis”

7. “Thanks for nothing Superman”

6. “He looks taller in films” (Oh, I’m sorry, that’s what people say getting off Tom Cruise)

5. “Maybe I’m just not a ‘cruise person’”

4. “I need a hot shower, then a lawyer”

3. “Next time, we’re taking an Italian cruise”

2. “I waited in line six hours for an onion and mayonnaise sandwich, and I’m not leaving till I get one”

1. “Damn, I missed my connecting cruise”

Top Ten Least Romantic Three-Word Phrases

Thursday, February 14, 2013

10. “It really itches”

9. “Table for one?”

8. “Call an exterminator”

7. “Those weren’t edible”

6. “Turn and cough”

5. “You’re how fat?”

4. “Grandpa’s naked again”

3. “Welcome to Denny’s”

2. “It’s me, Dave”

1. “Oops, we’re related”

Top Ten Things Going Through Marco Rubio’s Mind At This Moment

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

10. “Smooth”

9. “Doctors say you should drink eight glasses of water every speech”

8. “I think I look pretty cool drinking out of a tiny bottle”

7. “Laugh all you want–Poland Spring just paid me a million damn dollars”

6. “This would be a great closer for my ventriloquist act”

5. “That looked presidential, right?”

4. “I’m sure they’ll edit this part out”

3. “OMG, I asked for sparkling water”

2. “Marco Rubio needs his throato lubio”

1. “By 2016, won’t America want a stooge back in the White House?”

Top Ten Signs You’d Make a Bad Pope

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

10. Typically spend Sundays disabled by a hangover

9. Religion isn’t really your thing

8. You pronounce the “P” in “Psalms”

7. Last time God spoke to you, he told you to stay out of church

6. Know nothing about Vatican, know a lot about Vicodin

5. You think “Papal” in an online payment website

4. Only want the job as an excuse to avoid sex with your wife

3. In times of trouble, ask yourself, “What would Keith Richards do?”

2. Your most recent prayer: “Dear God, don’t let it be herpes”

1. Even Jesus thinks you’re a stooge

Top Ten Questions On The Application To Become A Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model

Monday, February 11, 2013

10. “How naked do you see yourself in five years?” (Emily Didonato)

9. “Have you dated Charlie Sheen?” (Nina Agdal)

8. “Are you willing to kiss a tubby guy for a Super Bowl commercial?” (Ariel Meredith)

7. “Can you provide your own beach towel?” (Chrissy Teigen)

6. “Will you keep your mouth shut if we lose a couple of girls to shark attacks?” (Hannah Davis)

5. “Please list your three most recent employers’ measurements” (Alyssa Miller)

4. “Have you ever used pose-enhancing drugs?” (Julie Henderson)

3. “Are you willing to visit the elderly at his late night talk show?” (Genevieve Morton)

2. “How would Brent Musburger describe you?” (Katherine Webb)

1. “Where’s the strangest place you’ve found sand?” (Kate Upton)

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten People Not Nominated For A “Best Spoken Word” Grammy Award

Friday, February 8, 2013

10. Former President George W. Bush (”Are my testicles black?”)

9. Joe Theisman (”My prostate was giving me fits”)

8. Brad Pitt (Chanel No. 5 ad)

7. Al Roker (”I pooped my pants…not horribly”)

6. Former Governor Mitt Romney (”I like being able to fire people”)

5. Mayor Michael Bloomberg (”I don’t think we’ve had a murder in the past 2 or 3 days”)

4. This woman (”Constipation, diarrhea, gas, bloating — that’s me!”)

3. Me, Dave (Face down over desk making motorboat sound)

2. Vice President Joe Biden (”This President has a big stick”)

1. New York City news anchor, Ernie Anastos (”Keep f**kin that chicken”)

Top Ten Things House Plants Have To Say

Thursday, February 7, 2013

10. “Watching you eat salad is creepy”

9. “Please ask the dog to stop ‘watering’ me”

8. “I had the most amazing photosynthesis last weekend”

7. “Your wife is sleeping with the UPS guy”

6. “I’m not going back on tour with Led Zeppelin” (Oh, I’m sorry, that’s what Robert Plant has to say)

5. “I absorb the CO2 you exhale–maybe try a breath mint”

4. “I’d like to thank the people of Colorado and Washington for legalizing me”

3. “For the love of God, put on some pants”

2. “With my ass in the dirt all day, I feel like the 49ers defense–Hey-o!”

1. “Your cactus is a real prick”

Top Ten Signs You’re A Bad Elvis Presley Tribute Artist

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

10. Only resemblance to Elvis is your cholesterol

9. Your tribute – a 90-minute Power Point presentation

8. You were born 20 years before Elvis

7. Your singing makes women scream, but not in a good way

6. The real Elvis had teeth

5. “Graceland” is the backseat of your Toyota Corolla

4. Your puppet does all the singing

3. You do Elvis’s sneer by lifting lip with finger

2. Entire act consists of adjusting your jumpsuit

1. You look less like Elvis in the ’50’s, more like Elvis today

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Here are David Letterman’s Top Ten Lists from last week:

Top Ten Ignored New York City Street Signs

Friday, February 1, 2013

10. Speed Limit 20 When Driving On Sidewalk

9. Warning – Watch For Falling Air Conditioner Units

8. Keep Our Neighborhood Clean-ish

7. Pants Required

6. Remember To Tip Your Hooker

5. Please Do Not Pick Up Mayor Bloomberg

4. No Urinating (Except 7am-6pm, Tuesday and Friday)

3. Hump (Dr. Phil)

2. Free Tickets to Late Show

1. You Must Be This Tall To Ride Madonna

Top Ten Words That Kind of Sound Like “Harbaugh”

Thursday, January 31, 2013

10. Hairball

9. Store-bought

8. Cardboard

7. Marmot

6. Hoopla

5. Raw Bar

4. Arby’s

3. Chutzpah

2. “Sup-Bro?”

1. Hoo-ha

Top Ten Changes At CNN

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

10. The Situation Room now hosted by The Situation

9. Sanjay Gupta’s hilarious new sitcom: “Two Broke Guptas”

8. Changing pronunciation from C-N-N to “CNNNN”

7. Switching the part in David Gergen’s combover

6. Wolf Blitzer – shirtless

5. No longer fact-checking stories

4. New president, Jeff Zucker – Zucking everything up

3. Lifting ban on anchors using steroids

2. Piers Morgan: deported

1. More coverage of goats (video of goat attacking reporter)

Top Ten Signs Your Doctor Has Gotten Rusty

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

10. Tries to guess your weight

9. Always carries a hacksaw and a bottle of scotch

8. Tells you to open your mouth and say, “Ahmadinejad”

7. Seems more focused on his career as a doctor-themed stripper

6. Wonders aloud, “What would Dr. Conrad Murray do?”

5. Always suggests he “kisses it to make it feel better”

4. Instead of colonoscopy, draws sketch of your colon

3. Uses defibrillator to make waffles

2. To every question, he replies, “Let’s Google it”

1. Asks you to turn your head and call him sometime

Top Ten Questions To Ask Before Sending Your Monkey Into Space

Monday, January 28, 2013

10. “Is this one of those scams where they steal your monkey?”

9. “Will my monkey know how to rehydrate a banana?”

8. “Will he be better off in space than living with the kind of person who owns a monkey?”

7. “How is it that my monkey’s career is more impressive than mine?”

6. “Would it be easier to send a guy in a monkey suit?”

5. “What’s the catch?”

4. “Will he miss daddy?”

3. “Has the space capsule been monkey-proofed?”

2. “While he’s away, can I get a loaner monkey?”

1. “Is it one-way or round-trip?”

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten New York City Noises

Friday, January 18, 2013

10. Rat stampede (SFX: buffalo stampede)

9. Meat delivery at the Hello Deli (SFX: donkey hee-haw)

8. Scofflaws drinking illegal, 32-ounce sodas (SFX: empty straw slurp)

7. Taxi from the airport (SFX: car screech, crash)

6. Lindsay Lohan at the end of a night out (SFX: police siren passing by)

5. Street vendor changing the hot dog water (Sorry, that’s a mistake, they never change the water)

4. Saying goodbye to a mob snitch (SFX: splash)

3. Me, Dave, leaving work every night (SFX: boos — “There he is, get him!”)

2. Joan Rivers visiting her plastic surgeon (SFX: jackhammer)

1. Alex Rodriguez in the playoffs (SFX: “Strike three!”)

Top Ten Signs You Have An Imaginary Girlfriend

Thursday, January 17, 2013

10. You describe her to friends as “a nondescript female with eyes and hair”

9. “Photo” of girlfriend looks suspiciously like SunMaid raisin lady

8. You keep referring to her in the first person

7. Have a patent pending for a machine that gives you a hickey

6. Someone says, “Tell me about your girlfriend,” you say, “Hmm…let me think of something”

5. Your imaginary friend is dating her sister

4. Everyone can tell you’re arguing on the phone with Siri

3. She’s never upset when you forget her imaginary birthday

2. Always pressuring you to pretend to buy engagement ring

1. Said she’s too shy to meet your friends, your family, and you

Top Ten Words That Kind of Sound Like “Achoo”

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

10. Cashew

9. “The Chew”

8. (Treasury Secretary Nominee) Jack Lew

7. J. Crew

6. Kinkajou

5. Machu Picchu

4. Depardieu

3. Kazoo

2. Moo Shu

1. Kardashian

Top Ten Other Lance Armstrong Revelations

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

10. Artificially enhanced his cycling shorts

9. Still never leaves the house without several vials of clean urine

8. Owns Texas real estate known as “Rancho Decepto”

7. Took steroids to work up the strength to admit taking steroids

6. Once had an inappropriate relationship with an air hose

5. Also has tattoo of Rex Ryan’s wife

4. Has given up on making the baseball Hall of Fame

3. United States Postal Service paid him in stamps

2. Started erotic website, “Tour-De-Pants”

1. Admitted to doping just to get on “Oprah”

Top Ten Things Overheard Backstage At The Golden Globes

Monday, January 14, 2013

10. “Only five hours to go”

9. “Why can’t every winner be a lesbian?”

8. “Django, party of ten… Django, party of ten”

7. “What would Lincoln find worse – being assassinated, or losing to Ben Affleck?”

6. “Really – another film about salmon fishing in Yemen?”

5. “Of all the award shows, this one is really the most fun” (video of Tommy Lee Jones)

4. “I just won, and I still couldn’t care less about the Golden Globes”

3. “If you’re the owner of a vintage fire engine, license plate L-E-N-O; your lights are on”

2. “Sofia Vergara just won for ‘Best Globes’”

1. “Keep Schwarzenegger away from the help”

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Signs Your Cat Is Up to No Good

Friday, January 11, 2013

10. He rubs up against your leg — suddenly, your wallet’s gone

9. Coughs up fur ball, then a balloon of cocaine

8. For a cat, he rents a lot of storage units

7. Your dog goes missing, ransom note demands tuna

6. Kathryn Bigelow’s next film is about the hunt for your cat

5. Brings home mice, chipmunks, and the occasional Petco truck

4. Clawed a gang sign into his scratching post

3. Endless, profanity-laced meowing

2. Used to lick himself, now pays a neighbor cat to do it for him

1. Hired dog to be his ‘getaway driver’

Top Ten Reasons Your Film Wasn’t Nominated for an Academy Award

Thursday, January 10, 2013

10. Stars Daniel Day-Lewis, but not that Daniel Day-Lewis

9. It’s entitled “Life of Pie”

8. Three-minute “movie” demonstrates safety procedures on JetBlue

7. It’s two hours of iPhone footage inadvertantly recorded in your pocket

6. Film was released “straight-to-dumpster”

5. It’s two hours of Donald Trump demanding to see Lincoln’s birth certificate

4. Film was in French, subtitles also in French

3. Tells the story of a vomiting robot

2. Can hear crew laughing whenever anyone says “Hitchcock”

1. Ebert gave it two middle-fingers up

Top Ten Other Al Roker Revelations

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

10. Big “One Direction” fan

9. Joined the mile-high club in the NBC traffic copter

8. Had stomach stapled, kidneys paperclipped

7. Gets his forecast by watching the Weather Channel

6. Willard Scott has nailed half of the 100th birthday ladies

5. Disqualified from weather hall of fame for gambling on the heat index

4. Regularly takes a leak in Matt Lauer’s dressing room

3. Gained 200 pounds to land heavy-set weatherman gig

2. NBC tour once walked in on him rokering himself

1. Thinks “cumulonimbus” is something you do for your wife

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Things Overheard During Hugh Hefner’s Honeymoon

Friday, January 4, 2013

10. “Look — a gift basket from Pfizer”

9. “It’s three o’clock — we’re late for dinner”

8. “My hip!”

7. “It’s been more than four hours — call the doctor”

6. “Oh, my other hip!”

5. “It’ll just take a minute to inflate”

4. “Now that’s what I call wrinkled”

3. “9-1-1? Hi, it’s Crystal again”

2. “Now will you blow on my soup?”

1. “Clear!”

Top Ten Questions People Have About Larry the Vomiting Robot

Thursday, January 3, 2013

10. “Could this win the Nobel Prize for vomiting?”

9. “How often do you need to replace the vomit cartridge?”

8. “Does he also vacuum, like my vomiting Roomba?”

7. “How often does he eat at the Hello Deli?”

6. “Are we, as a culture, too lazy to do our own vomiting?”

5. “Is he single?”

4. “Is it more advanced than the Apple iVomit?”

3. “Why are all of the vomiting robots male?”

2. “Will this solve our vomit shortage?”

1. “Would Larry like a breath mint?”

Top Ten Signs Your Congressman Is A Hothead

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

10. Instead of “Yea” or “Nay”, always votes “Screw you”

9. He’s pushed people off actual cliffs

8. Appeared on recent “Maury” episode, “My Congressman Is A Hothead”

7. Was ordered to switch from Tea Party to decaffeinated Tea Party

6. Someone mentions the rotunda, he yells, “Are you calling me fat?!”

5. Hair is oddly matted down (sorry, thats a sign your congressman has hat-head)

4. Always being tased

3. Filibusters himself

2. In his official congressional portrait, he’s giving the finger

1. Even Dick Cheney thinks he’s a raging bastard

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Least Beloved Holiday Television Specials

Friday, December 14, 2012

10. “It’s a Wonderful Life for the Wealthiest 1%”

9. “Manicure on 34th Street”

8. “Frisky, the Oversexed Snowman”

7. “The Lindsay Who Stole Christmas and a Diamond Necklace”

6. “When Elves Attack”

5. “Donald Trump Raises Questions About Santa”

4. “Christmas In Denial with Mitt Romney”

3. “‘Twas the Night Before the Mayan Apocalypse”

2. “Nick the Red-Nosed Nolte”

1. “David Petraeus’ Nutcracker”

Top Ten Signs You’re Too Heavy To Be President

Thursday, December 13, 2012

10. Added two more engines to Air Force One – son of a bitch still won’t take off

9. At fundraising dinners, can’t stop eating long enough to give speech

8. Even Dick Cheney is worried about your health

7. Your lapel pin is a full-sized American flag

6. 1600 would be your street address as well as your weight

5. At Thanksgiving, you would never agree to pardon a turkey

4. Willing to “reach across the aisle,” but can’t fit down the aisle

3. When someone mentions Abraham Lincoln, all you hear is “ham”

2. While you campaign in Iowa, your ass is campaigning in Wisconsin

1. Barbara Walters has to ask, “Are you too fat to be president?”

Top Ten Things I, Mick Jagger, Have Learned After 50 Years in Rock ‘n’ Roll

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

10. Nobody wants to hear anything from your new album

9. Never take relationship advice from Phil Spector

8. Before shouting, “Hi, Seattle,” make sure you’re in Seattle

7. You don’t earn a cent when someone does a song about having “moves like Jagger”

6. Everybody you meet after you become famous is only interested in you as a person

5. Song royalties are great, but even they can’t match the guaranteed cash flow from a reverse mortgage

4. A good way to keep yourself entertained is to sign every tenth autograph “Doris Goldblatt”

3. Be considerate of other hotel guests – trash your room by 10pm

2. You can’t always get what you want – like a good joke on the Top Ten list

1. You start out playing rock ‘n’ roll so you can have sex and do drugs, but you end up doing drugs so you can still play rock ‘n’ roll and have sex

Top Ten Perks of Winning the Heisman Trophy presented by Johnny Manziel

Monday, December 10, 2012

10. “Old nickname – Johnny Football; new nickname – Heisman Trophy Winner Johnny Football”

9. “Get to use the ‘Heisman Winners Only’ lane at the highway toll plazas”

8. “Maybe mom will stop nagging me to go to dental school”

7. “Of course, there’s a six-figure recording contract”

6. “This Saturday, guess who’s driving the team bus?”

5. “I no longer have to go to practice”

4. “I’ll probably be the only Heisman winner at my high school reunion”

3. “You also receive a bronze mouth guard”

2. “Get to appear on ‘Letterman’ – in the same city as my favorite show, ‘Late Night with Jimmy Fallon’”

1. “My passport photo looks like this” (does the Heisman pose)

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Other Procedures Performed By The Mustache Implant Doctor

Friday, December 7, 2012

10. Sideburn bedazzling

9. Nose hair tinting

8. De-trumping

7. Neck removal

6. Tongue plumping

5. Addition of medium intestine

4. Visor implant

3. Eyeball swap

2. Colon re-spooling

1. Ass spackling

Top Ten Signs Your Dog Is A Bad Driver

Thursday, December 6, 2012

10. Good drivers don’t swallow the car keys

9. Instead of ‘10-and-2′, steering wheel positions are ‘1-4-7-9′

8. Smokes without asking permission of passengers

7. Insists on driving with head out of window

6. Crosses four lanes of traffic to go after a squirrel

5. Barely passed written portion of driver’s test

4. He used your car to mount a Nissan Sentra

3. It’s 50-50 whether he parks in the Petco lot or actually in the Petco

2. Slams on the brakes for every bitch he sees

1. Always taking eyes off road to lick himself

Top Ten Least Likely Names For The Royal Baby

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

10. Kim Hong Windsor

9. Whooping

8. Shemp

7. Quizno

6. Kenny

5. Gomez

4. Tie: Kim/Kourtney/Khloe

3. Zsa Zsa

2. Hosni

1. Mitt

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Fun Facts About Thanksgiving

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

10. Buckle on pilgrim hat symbolized era when pants were worn on head

9. When Thanksgiving aficionado Ernest Borgnine died, his family had him stuffed turkey-style

8. The Native American word for “gravy” translates literally as “meat goo”

7. 37% of turkeys eat human on Thanksgiving

6. After Thanksgiving, the busiest travel day is Elvis Presley’s birthday

5. Plymouth Rock had a secret compartment where the pilgrims hid their house keys

4. The 2nd Thanksgiving was held at a Shoney’s in Chester, Virginia

3. 85% of Thanksgiving dinners end in a fistfight

2. This year’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade on NBC is a rerun

1. No matter how awkward your family’s holiday, things will be worse at the Petraeus house

Top Ten Signs You’re Not Cut Out To Be A Race Car Driver

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

10. You’re only in it for the intensely vibrating seat

9. You’ve always felt that passing other cars is rude

8. Terms of your parole won’t let you leave Delaware

7. All this week, you’ve been stockpiling Twinkies

6. Friends know you as “Mr. Motion Sickness”

5. You’re existentially opposed to the starting line and finish line being the same line

4. You know what “existentially” means

3. You don’t like to be rushed

2. You can’t even handle high-speed Internet

1. More than ten minutes sitting? Crippling ass cramps

Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through Paul Rudd’s Mind When An Audience Member Threw Up During His Broadway Show

Monday, November 19, 2012

10. “Is there a janitor in the house?”

9. “Not my worst review”

8. “I’ve never been a fan of audience participation”

7. “I was hoping for a standing ovation, instead I got projectile vomiting”

6. “Who says the golden age of theater is dead?”

5. “You gotta be kidding me — right before my big vomiting scene?”

4. “I’ll never complain about a cell phone ringing again”

3. “Up till now, I’ve never elicited more than a loud belch”

2. “What is this, the Ed Sullivan Theater?”

1. “Guess I’m not the only one who’s drunk”

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Lincoln-Era Double Entenders

Friday, November 16, 2012

10. Oiling the musket

9. Bringing in the rail-splitter

8. Serving under Ulysses S. Grant

7. Forming a more perfect union

6. Withdrawing from the South

5. Hiding the stovepipe hat

4. Exposing the flank

3. Assembling your privates at big mound

2. Shaking hands with Vice President Johnson

1. Entering Dixie

Top Ten Mitt Romney Scapegoats

Thursday, November 15, 2012

10. The ancient Sumarians who invented arithmetic

9. Properly functioning voting machines

8. People unwilling to get a Romney/Ryan face tattoo

7. Actual goats

6. Congressman Todd Akin’s biology teacher

5. Belgians

4. This guy (Paul Ryan with hat backwards)

3. Fat-checkers

2. The Republican party, for nominating him

1. Shirtless FBI agent

Top Ten Discontinued Guy Fieri Menu Items

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

10. Inappropriately rubbed brisket

9. Sampler of entrees sent back to kitchen

8. Pushed pork

7. Guy’s famous grilled shirtsleeve

6. Jumbo shrimp, tattooed and pierced

5. Teriyaki-glazed napkin

4. Seared halibut with intestinal parasite reduction

3. Crust-crusted crust

2. Suspiciously damp toast

1. Duck a l’Ahmadinejad

Top Ten Thoughts Going Through This Guy’s Mind (guy with a Romney tattoo on his face)

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

10. “Worst mistake since my Herman Cain tattoo”

9. “I still seem like less of a jackass than Karl Rove, right?”

8. “Why are tattoo parlors always next to bars?”

7. “The important thing is I had fun”

6. “If no one will hire me, can I still blame Obama?”

5. “Does it distract from my neck tattoo?”

4. “Mitt would’ve done the same for me”

3. “Does Obamacare cover tattoo removal?”

2. “At least now I have an excuse for not having a girlfriend”

1. “Romney can still win, right?”

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