darnfunnyonline.com

Here are David Letterman’s Top Ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Messages Left On Shakira’s Voicemail

10.”Did your life of being incredibly hot flash before your eyes?”

9.”Who started it?”

8.”It’s the Cape Town Police — think you can pick the bastard out of a lineup?”

7.”Sea Lion? Didn’t he do that ‘Forget You’ song?”

6.”This is Fabio — I once got hit by a goose while on a roller coaster”

5.”You can save up to 15% on sea lion insurance by switching to GEICO”

4.”Did you know Mitt Romney once drove to Canada with a sea lion strapped to the roof of his car?”

3.”It’s Ron Paul — Oh crap, I forget why I called”

2.”Did the sea lion sound like this?” (Charlie Callas video)

1.”Callista Gingrich here — I’m mounted by a fat, slimy creature every night”

Top Ten Questions On The Application To Become A Mitt Romney Look-Alike

10.Do you look like Mitt Romney?

9.Does Mitt Romney look like you?

8.True or False: You look like Mitt Romney

7.Do you not look like someone who doesn’t look like Mitt Romney?

6.If you wore a sombrero, would you look like Mitt Romney wearing a sombrero?

5.What do you feel is your main qualification, other than a strong resemblance to Mitt Romney?

4.During sex, does your wife ever yell out “Mitt Romney!”?

3.Do you know any fat, doughy guys who look like Newt Gingrich?

2.Can you smile while driving with a dog strapped to the roof of your car?

1.Do you mind being unemployed after November?

Top Ten Worst Jeremy Lin Puns

10.Lin-termittent windshield wiper

9.Law and Order: Criminal Lin-Tent

8.Ange-Lin-a Jol-emy

7.Lin-ternational House of Lin-Cakes

6.Newt Lin-Grich

5.Lin-terest-bearing Lin-vestment grade financial Lin-strument

4.Does this look Lin-fected to you?

3.Jere-meat sauce with Lin-guine

2.Kni-xual Lin-tercourse

1.You gotta be Lin it to Lin it

Top Ten Signs Your Valentine Hates You

10.Booked you on an Italian cruise ship

9.Flowers you received look suspiciously like ones left on Grandma’s grave

8.Takes you to Olive Garden and won’t spring for the bottomless pasta bowl

7.Doubles her hourly rate from $50 to $100

6.Sends you a sexy video of her trying on lingere with the UPS guy

5.Always has an excuse for missing your conjugal visit

4.When you try to serenade her, you end up with most of a ukulele up your ass

3.After not receiving a gift, said, “Sorry, I didn’t know Jews celebrated Valentine’s Day”

2.You’re the jerk Adele sings about

1.You’ve been served with a heart-shaped restraining order

Top Ten Reasons This Year’s “Sports Illustrated” Swimsuit Issue Is The Best One Ever

10.”Ten Models, nine swimsuits”
Julie Henderson

9.”Where else can you see nearly naked women, except everywhere on the internet”
Jessica Gomes

8.”I licked every issue”
Ariel Meredith

7.”Forget Number 7 — I just want to stand here and look hot”
Alyssa Miller

6.”Every subscriber gets a personal visit from the ten of us” (Unconfirmed)
Chrissy Teigen

5.”Like the Late Show, ‘Sports Illustrated’ is made from 99% recycled material”
Genevieve Morton

4.”Because I said so, dammit”
Isabel Goulart

3.”Four of us are married to Newt”
Jessica Perez

2.”The art department was able to airbrush my mustache”
Kate Upton

1.”It’s not in 3D, but it looks like it is”
Irina Shayk

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Interesting Facts About The Grammy Awards (as presented by the Foo Fighters)

10.”The ‘Z’ in Jay-Z stands for ‘Zuckerman’”

9.”I sold my Grammys”

8.”Even we don’t know the difference between ‘Record of the Year’ and ‘Album of the Year’”

7.”I fink you fweaky and I like you a lot”

6.”After the ceremony, everyone meets at Applebee’s to celebrate over Potato Twisters and Dessert Shooters”

5.”LL Cool J is hosting this year’s Grammys after Eddie Murphy dropped out”

4.”The soda machine backstage has root beer”

3.”Lil Wayne will be performing with his older brother, Medium-Sized Wayne”

2.”First Grammy was awarded to some fat guy blowing on a jug”

1.”Every year since 1995, we’ve won the Grammy for Fighting Foo”

Top Ten People We Wish Had Mustaches

10.Abraham Lincoln

9.Katy Perry

8.Callista Gingrich

7.Daryl Hall of Hall and Oates

6.Mount Rushmore

5.Spider-Man

4.Tom Selleck

3.Ricardo Montalban

2.Paul Shaffer

1.The Sneezing Monkey

Top Ten Secret Service Code Names You Don’t Want

10.Dopey

9.Gasbag

8.One-Termer

7.Hasselhoff

6.Italian Cruise Ship Captain

5.German Grandmother

4.Dubya

3.Load

2.Not My Problem

1.Osama

Top Ten Things Overheard In The New England Patriots Locker Room After The Super Bowl
(cut from tonight’s “Late Show”)

10.”Did we win?”

9.”What matters most is we had fun”

8.”We should have Tebowed”

7.”When’s game two?”

6.”President Bush is on the phone”

5.”We still get paid, right?”

4.”On the bright side, we still get to shower together”

3.”Why is Bill Belichick naked?”

2.”Who cares that we lost — I’m married to a supermodel” (Tom Brady only)

1.”Well, at least we don’t have to go on Letterman”

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Super Bowl Fun Facts

10.Before Gatorade, players dumped bouillabaisse on their coaches

9.This year, every commercial will feature a sneezing monkey

8.Super Bowl II was played on shag carpeting

7.No team trailing at the end of the fourth quarter has ever won a Super Bowl

6.Officials at the first Super Bowl were dressed as Zorro

5.Every Super Bowl is decided a week in advance by NFL spokesman Greg Aiello

4.Super Bowl MVP Larry Csonka appeared in the film, “Larry Csonka and the Chocolate Factory”

3.Mike Ditka is only person to win Super Bowl as a player, coach and cheerleader

2.Due to football shortage, Super Bowl XXXII was played with mangoes

1.Pat Nixon slept with every member of the 1972 Miami Dolphins backfield

Top Ten Sound Effects

10.Doorbell

9.German Grandma

8.Slide Whistle

7.Dog on Mitt Romney’s car (Frightened yelping, horn honking)

6.Seal (Matt Damon making seal sound)

5.Bacon sizzling or Shower

4.Glass crash (Tom Hanks making glass crash sound effects)

3.Crowd at New York Knicks game (Booing)

2.Kitty (Dave making kitty sound effects)

1.The sound of people watching at home (Snoring)

Top Ten Things Staffers Would Like To Say To Dave On His 30th Anniversary In Late Night

10.”I stopped watching in ‘92″
(Jay Johnson)

9.”One of these days we’ll figure out how to kill you and make it look like an accident”
(Biff Henderson)

8.”My therapist says I have Stockholm syndrome”
(Kathy Mavrikakis)

7.”I will not be berated this way — go f**k yourself”
(Jude Brennan)

6.”My family thinks I work at Walgreens”
(Will Lee)

5.”Thirty years — we’ve never met”
(Barbara Gaines)

4.”Hey Grandpa, shove it up your ass”
(Sue Hum)

3.”You’re incompetent”
(Rob Burnett)

2.”I’ve always loved you, now and forever”
(Rick Scheckman)

1.”I’ve got nothing to say to that prick”
(Paul Shaffer)

Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Spending $16,000 on a Super Bowl Ticket

10.”Do they have anything in the more affordable $15,000 range?”

9.”Have I recently divorced either Kobe Bryant or Tiger Woods?”

8.”Can I afford it after spending $12,000 on a Pro Bowl ticket?”

7.”Isn’t this why the rest of the world hates us?”

6.”Would it make more sense to watch at home and spend the 16 grand on snacks?”

5.”Before I spend the money, how’s Gronkowski’s ankle?”

4.”For $4,000 an hour, couldn’t I get a really good hooker?”

3.”If I’ve got 16 grand, should I buy the Mets?”

2.”Will I forever be known as ‘The Ass—- who spent $16,000 on a Super Bowl ticket?’”

1.”Do I get to have sex with Madonna?”

Top Ten Other Newt Gingrich “Big Ideas”

10.A Milk Dud the size of a basketball

9.More awards shows

8.New iPhone app called “Angry Jowls”

7.Ban people from calling something “awesome” unless it actually inspires awe

6.Fill Grand Canyon with custard; rename it Grand Cannoli

5.Diapers on horses

4.You’ve heard of the five-blade razor? How ’bout the six-blade razor?

3.Free donuts?

2.End the decade-long conflict between Elton John and Madonna

1.Open marriages for people named Newt

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Revelations In The Interview With Newt Gingrich’s Ex-Wife

10.He keeps getting married just for the cake

9.Their towels were monogrammed “His” and “Current Wife’s”

8.Newt has a revolving account at Dairy Queen

7.He never leaves home without a set of blank divorce papers

6.He was born in Kenya

5.In college, he broke into primate testing facility and was scratched by an infectious Rhesus Monkey

4.Like a boa constrictor, he squeezes his food to death and swallows it whole

3.Newt was once briefly married to Kris Humphries

2.His body is featured in Jenny Craig “before” photos

1.He once had sex with a vending machine

Top Ten Signs Mitt Romney Is Getting Cocky

10.Answers all questions with, “So’s your mother”

9.Offered Santorum a ten thousand vote head start in South Carolina primary

8.He’s forwarding his mail to the White House – Wow, that’s cocky

7.Skipping next three primaries to go on tour with Young Jeezy

6.Started selling his own commemorative presidential plates on QVC

5.Donated $50,000 to Rick Perry’s campaign

4.Now spelling “Mittt” with three T’s

3.Ended debate by taking out wad of bills and “making it rain”

2.Wants to rename states Mittchigan, Mittsouri, Mittsissippi, and New Mittsico

1.Offered to help Newt with his concession speech

Top Ten Things People Said When They Heard Jon Huntsman Was Dropping Out Of The Presidential Race

10.”Who’s Jon Huntsman?”

9.”Is he the rich boring white guy, or the other rich boring white guy?”

8.”Seriously, who’s Jon Huntsman?”

7.”You mean my tax attorney? Oh wait, that’s Stan Huntsman”

6.”Does this mean we can bring Herman Cain back? That guy was hilarious”

5.”So that leaves only four viable candidates, plus Rick Perry”

4.”It’s like Jon Huntsman said…Well, actually, I have no idea what he said”

3.”Hey honey, some guy I’ve never heard of is dropping out of the race”

2.”He should have Tebowed more”

1.”Now who’s gonna lose to Obama in the general election?”

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself

10.Huh?

9.Do I smell grilled onions?

8.Where my dawgs at?

7.Is my poodle spending too much time surfing the Internet?

6.Seriously, where in the world is Matt Lauer?

5.What kind of name is Viggo?

4.Cake or pie?

3.Why does everybody hate me?

2.What would Tim Tebow do?

1.Why isn’t Number One on the Top Ten List ever funny?

Top Ten Things Kim Jong-Un Wants To Accomplish As Supreme Commander of North Korea

10.Free citizens from decades of Communist oppression – I’m just kidding, settle down

9.Hit on Katy Perry

8.The most important thing is for everyone to have fun

7.Use my clout to get “Book of Mormon” tickets

6.Fill my dad’s tiny shoes

5.Sit on my ass drinking Mountain Dew

4.Appear in ABC’s new cross-dressing sitcom “Work It” – that show is hilarious

3.Never let anyone find out I’m really a sixy-seven-year-old white guy from Nutley, New Jersey

2.Find more time to Pyong my Yang – wow, he did not just say that!

1.You know, the usual – torture, mass starvation, nuclear proliferation

Top Ten Little-Known Facts About Tim Tebow

10.Fell to Earth after his home planet Krypton exploded

9.Throws left, prays right

8.For breakfast has Icy Hot on toast

7.If you tell him your street address, he’ll tell you the value of your home

6.Currently ninth on the Kim Kardashian athlete waiting List

5.Back in college, threw a football twenty yards!

4.One time, lost his temper and said “Darn it!”

3.Distracts defenders by flashing his beautiful, piercing blue eyes

2.Justin Bieber fans have “Bieber Fever”; Tim Tebow fans have “The Tebola Virus”

1.Can turn water into Gatorade

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Surprises At Michele Bachmann’s Press Conference

10.Congratulated Mitt Romney on being elected the President of Iowa

9.Gave repeated shout-outs to the Los Angeles car arsonist

8.After a brief introduction, spent fifteen minutes Tebowing

7.Said she successfully prayed her campaign away

6.Shared several inspirational quotes from “Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked”

5.Announced plans to bet remaining campaign funds on the Packers to win the Super Bowl

4.Said she’s leaving Marcus for the lead guitarist of Journey

3.Revealed she’s the latest wacky character played by Sacha Baron Cohen

2.Showed her full-body dragon tattoo

1.Ended with a, “See you losers at the truck stop!”

Top Ten Signs It Might Be Time To End Your Presidential Campaign

10.Will only answer questions from reporters who buy you a steak dinner

9.Most influential supporter is some drunk guy from British Columbia

8.Still aren’t sure what the hell a “caucus” is

7.Began last speech with, “As I look out at all these empty chairs…”

6.People refer to you as Mitt Romney without the charisma

5.Last campaign ad showed you curled up on the shower floor, crying

4.Instead of Iowa you’ve been campaigning in Idaho

3.At the last debate, all you said was, “whatever”

2.Your mom keeps reminding you that, if this President thing doesn’t work out, your Uncle Phil has a job for you at his carpet store

1.Chief of Staff spent the weekend in Los Angeles setting car fires

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from his show last week:

Top Ten Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Demands For Returning Our Drone
10.50 bucks and a carton of cigs
9.We want the hikers back
8.More skin on “The Good Wife”
7.A Derek Jeter one-night-stand gift basket
6.Tickets to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
5.Fire Norv Turner
4.Just a little r-e-s-p-e-c-t
3.Dinner for two at Del Frisco’s Double Eagle Steakhouse
2.Permission to play “Words With Friends” on all American Airlines flights
1.Bring back Regis

Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through Robert Griffin III’s Mind When He Won The Heisman Trophy
10.”Now if I don’t have I.D., all I have to do is this” (Heisman pose)
9.”Wonder how much I could get for the trophy on ‘Pawn Stars’?”
8.”Time to focus on my next goal: a Latin Grammy”
7.”This thing’s going to be a nightmare to get through airport security”
6.”Thanks to Tim Tebow for putting in a word with the man upstairs”
5.”And everyone laughed when I asked Santa for a Heisman”
4.”Will my teammates mind if I shower with the trophy?”
3.”Indianapolis Colts, here I come!”
2.”Crap, now I have to appear on Letterman”
1.”How long before Kim Kardashian calls?”

Top Ten Signs You’re At A Bad Mall
10.A dozen Starbucks, no bathrooms
9.Instead of Build-A-Bear, there’s Stuff-A-Raccoon
8.It’s raided by the Feds twice a day
7.Restroom also wishing well
6.The Santa is overheard saying “No fat kids”
5.It’s in downtown Kandahar
4.The pet shop is filled with poisonous snakes
3.Security guard is watching surveillance monitor of you in the dressing room
2.Escalators go 45 miles an hour
1.Mannequin looks suspiciously like your dead neighbor

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are David Letterman’s Top Ten lists from last week, always funny:

Top Ten Signs Your Local News Team Is Drunk

10.Whenever somebody says “Obama,” they all do a shot of Jager

9.As temperatures drop, so do the weatherman’s pants

8.Trouble pronouncing “gubernatorial”

7.Cool news theme replaced with Grand Funk Railroad’s greatest hits

6.Constantly shouting “Our top story: I’m effin’ wasted!”

5.Can barely hear the news over the sound of the blender

4.Business attire replaced with hilarious “It’s happy hour somewhere” T-shirts

3.Program interrupted by delivery of party ice

2.Its just 30 minutes of horseplay

1.Anchorman and anchorwoman strip naked and play “This just in”

Top Ten Messages Left On Rod Blagojevich’s Answering Machine

10.Hey, it’s Conrad Murray. 14 years? I didn’t get that for murder

9.This is your hairstylist. Make sure to condition after each delousing

8.Do you want the cell closer to the espresso machine or jacuzzi?

7.Congratulations, I hear you’re going to Vail. Wait, nevermind

6.Hey, it’s your cell mate. Do you like the top or bottom?

5.Sorry, I must have the wrong number. I was trying to reach Todd Blagojevich

4.Hey, it’s Dave. Tonight’s Top Ten List is about you. Nice work

3.It’s 2011, why do you still have an answering machine?

2.This is President Obama. I’m granting you a full pardon. Nah, I’m just screwing with you

1.It’s the warden. The inmates are asking how much you want for your seat

Top Ten Ways The Super Earth Is Different From Earth

10.It’s 2.4 times the size of Earth, or roughly the size of Regis Philbin’s wallet

9.Every Tuesday is Ladies Night

8.Waffles even more delicious

7.The whole planet? Free WiFi

6.Most popular funk band: Super Earth, Wind, and Fire

5.On this planet Oates has the mustache; on that planet, Hall has the mustache

4.Most popular insult: “What, were you born on regular Earth?”

3.No designated hitter

2.Has creamy caramel center

1.If you think Oprah’s great, wait until you meet Super Oprah

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are David Letterman’s Top Ten Lists from last week:

Top Ten Signs You Ate Too Much At Thanksgiving Dinner

10.You’re sweatin’ giblets

9.By the time everyone finished saying grace, you were having seconds

8.Like parade balloons, you require a dozen handlers to navigate you to the couch

7.To pry you from your chair, family slathers you in Crisco

6.Asked yourself, “What would Chris Christie do?”

5.Pants button popped and knocked out grandma

4.You’re visible from the International Space Station

3.Your skin has taken on the hue of ham glaze

2.Your ass went from Kourtney to Kim

1.You have to loosen the buckle on your watch

Top Ten Super Committee Excuses

10.”Spent too much time picking a cool name for the committee”

9.”Got distracted by Congress’s new ‘Donkey Kong’ machine”

8.”Wasted time trying on each other’s hairpieces”

7.”When your options are to solve the national debt crisis or see the new Twilight movie, you see the new Twilight movie”

6.”Quit early to get in line for the black Friday sale at Annie Sez”

5.”It’s the curse of the chupacabra”

4.”We’re assembling a special committee to come up with excuses”

3.”It’s Robert Wagner’s fault”

2.”Hey, normally it takes us twice as long to get nothing done”

1.”President Santorum will figure it out”

Top Ten Other Articles In the Al Qaeda Magazine

10.”How To Winterize Your Beard”

9.”Sexiest Mullah Alive”

8.”Turn Your Boring Kaftan From Drab To Fab”

7.”Secrets To A Happier Arranged Marriage”

6.”101 Steamy Waterboarding Positions”

5.”What’s the Right Shoe Bomb For You?”

4.”2011 Motor Trend Camel of the Year”

3.”An Interview With the King of Cool, Habib Clooney”

2.”Budget-Friendly Ideas For Decorating Your Spiderhole”

1.”Letterman Fatwa: What Took So Long?”

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are David Letterman’s Top Ten Lists from last week:

Top Ten Things We’ll Miss About Regis

10.Smell of Bengay and Captain Morgan

9.The endless complaining

8.His stories about babysitting for Knute Rockne

7.Did I mention the endless complaining

6.The way he always lets you pay for dinner

5.Who do you think killed Osama?

4.The various talented actors who have played Regis

3.His antique car collection and his enormous chin

2.When the IRS busted him for skimming prize money from “Beautiful Baby Week”

1.This (VT: Shirtless Regis)

Top Ten Things Said To Me, Dave, Backstage At “Live! With Regis And Kelly”

10.”And you are…?”

9.”It’s one of Regis’ last shows — try not to ruin it”

8.”Hair and makeup? What’s the point?”

7.”Thank you for coming out of retirement to do our show”

6.”Please tell me you’re not Regis’ replacement”

5.”Gelman frisks all of the guests”

4.”Just what we need, another whiny old guy”

3.”Why is Regis quitting, and you still have a show?”

2.”There he is — get him!”

1.”Right this way, Conan”

Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through Herman Cain’s Mind During This Moment

10.”Libya? I remember Lydia, but I don’t remember a Libya”

9.”I told them politics was off limits”

8.”Maybe if I hold perfectly still, everybody will think their DVRs are on pause”

7.”Why the hell am I in Milwaukee?”

6.”Uh, 9-9-9?”

5.”What would Rick Dees do?”

4.”I’m gonna be on YouTube!”

3.”I should have called Bob Costas”

2.”These things are a lot funnier when it happens to Rick Perry”

1.”Well, it’s been fun, see you in 2016!”

Top Ten Ways The World Would Be Different If Everyone Were Named Newt

10.Goodbye eggs benedict; hello eggs Newt

9.Beatles broke up because “Newt” couldn’t get along with “Newt”

8.Trump would be known as “The Newt”

7.Still have a tattoo of your ex-girlfriend’s name? No problem!

6.Santa now says, “On Newt, on Newt, on Newt and Newt, on Newt, on Newt, on Newt and Newt”

5.The mother on “How I Met Your Mother”: Newt

4.When you tell your iPhone to call Newt, it says, “Be more specific, Newt”

3.On “Jeopardy,” people just keep buzzing in and saying, “Who is Newt?”

2.When you just say, “Newt” with no last name, people know you’re referring to Newt Winfrey

1.You know who ain’t gonna be President? Newt Perry

darnfunnyonline.com