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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, David Letterman, Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

Folks, I’ve got to be honest with you. I had a really awkward day today. I had to call David Letterman and tell him he didn’t get “The Tonight Show” again. –Jay Leno

I want to congratulate our good friend Jimmy Fallon. He’s going to do a great job. I just have one request for Jimmy: We’ve all fought, kicked, and scratched to get this network up to fifth place — now we have to keep it there. Jimmy, don’t let it slip into 6th. We are counting on you. –Jay Leno

Things move so quickly. Jimmy hasn’t even taken over yet and the rumors have already started — like NBC says in five years they plan to replace Jimmy with Justin Bieber. –Jay Leno

Former President George Bush has invited President Obama to the opening of his presidential library later this month. President Obama said he’s looking forward to going through the library to see if there was anything else he could blame Bush for. –Jay Leno

Even though I’m from Boston, I feel right at home in the South. I really do. You see, Boston is also full of people with thick accents who hate the Yankees. –Conan O’Brien

A lot of celebrities live in Atlanta. Elton John has a house here. In fact, you know you spotted Elton John when you think you have spotted Lady Gaga’s grandmother. –Conan O’Brien

How many folks earlier today saw the white smoke coming out of the chimney at NBC? I got a call from my mom today. She says, “Well, David, I see you didn’t get ‘The Tonight Show’ again.” –David Letterman

Didn’t we just go through this? Jay Leno is being replaced — this is the second time this has happened. It’s crazy. He’s being replaced by a younger late-night host. What could possibly go wrong? –David Letterman

But NBC, bless them, announced the official date for Jay Leno’s departure. No mention of his official date of return, however. –David Letterman

The White House has now put together a website for kids. It’s a website to teach kids how to manage a budget responsibly. The website is called “Irony.gov.” –David Letterman

t was announced officially today that starting in February of next year after the Olympics, I will take over as new host of “The Tonight Show” on NBC. Excuse me. OK, I’m told it’s a different Jimmy that’s going to be hosting. –Jimmy Kimmel

Jay Leno passes the torch to Jimmy Fallon. OK. Does anybody know what the return policy is on a yacht? — because I could be in a lot of trouble. –Jimmy Kimmel

Public Policy Polling asked a group of 1,200 registered voters, and 13 percent said they believe Obama is the Antichrist and another 13 percent were not sure. I feel if he were the Antichrist, he would be getting more legislation passed. –Jimmy Kimmel

Welcome to the show, everybody. This is “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” — for now. –Jimmy Fallon

You’ve probably heard the news. I’m going to be taking over for “The Tonight Show” next February. But don’t worry. Until February our focus is right here on . . . whatever this show is called. –Jimmy Fallon

The federal government says it will do one more study on the risk of cellphone radiation. Or as the guy with the third ear growing out of his neck said, “That’s cool. Take your time.” –Jimmy Fallon

A new report found that, despite the slowing economy, going to college is still paying off. Unfortunately, still paying off is what you’ll be doing with your college loans for the rest of your life. –Jimmy Fallon

The Associated Press, the largest newsgathering outlet in the world, will no longer use the term “illegal immigrant.” That is out. They will now use the phrase “undocumented Democrat.” –Jay Leno

Today President Obama asked Congress for $100 million to map the human brain. And believe me, if anybody needs a map to find their brain, it’s Congress. –Jay Leno

Lifetime has canceled the TV show “America’s Most Wanted.” Network executives made the decision after realizing the show was still on. –Jay Leno

Apparently back in the ’80s, the lead singer of Queen, Freddie Mercury, once took a disguised Princess Diana to a gay bar. She was wearing a disguise to look like a guy so she wouldn’t get noticed. How ironic is this? When they got to the gay bar, she met a bunch of guys dressed up to look like Princess Diana. –Jay Leno

There are over 65 streets named Peachtree in Atlanta. Yesterday I punched Peachtree into my GPS. It committed suicide. –Conan O’Brien

I read that not one team from Georgia made it into the NCAA Final Four. Yeah, I read it on a list of things not to bring up while doing a week of shows in Georgia. –Conan O’Brien

Did you see Lindsay Lohan’s April Fools’ Day joke? Last night she tweeted that she’s pregnant. This morning she tweeted “April Fools.” Where’s everybody’s sense of humor? If Barbara Walters wrote it, it’s funny. But with her, it’s a reason to call Child Protective Services. –Jimmy Kimmel

Lindsay tweeted at 1:30 a.m. on April 2. She can’t even show up for her pranks on time. –Jimmy Kimmel

The women’s school district in New Hampshire has officially banned dodge ball because parents complained their kids were being targeted during games which, of course, is the point of dodge ball. –Jimmy Kimmel

The district superintendent says playing dodge ball runs, quote, “counter to what we’re trying to accomplish with our anti-bullying plan. If you really want to ban bullying in school, there’s only one way to do it. You need to ban children from school. –Jimmy Kimmel

Last night Lindsay Lohan went on Twitter and announced that she’s pregnant, but it turns out that it was just an April Fools’ Day joke. Most people laughed it off, while Us Weekly paid 10 grand for the baby photos just in case. –Jimmy Fallon

Yeah, Lindsay said she was pregnant but it was just an April Fools’ joke. Weirdly, no one was more relieved than that fake baby. –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday President Obama shot baskets at the White House and made only two shots out of 22. Even Dick Cheney was like, “That guy needs to learn how to shoot.” –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama went only two for 22. It’s tough times for Obama — one minute, he’s asking Congress to raise the debt ceiling; the next, he’s asking them to lower the hoop. –Jimmy Fallon

Before we get started, let me say that NBC and I have reached a peaceful, amicable agreement that will be beneficial to both sides. April Fools! It will never happen. –Jay Leno

North Korea is now threatening the United States with all-out war. You can see they’re stepping it up. In fact, they released 10 more photos of Kim Jong Un looking through binoculars. –Jay Leno

Happy birthday to former Vice President Al Gore, 65 years old today. But sadly, he could not enjoy his party because he was so obsessed with how fast the ice cream was melting. –Jay Leno

According to the United Nations, more people have working cellphones than have working toilets. Hey, so do most Carnival cruise ships. That’s not unusual. –Jay Leno

Today was opening day for Major League Baseball. And it’s a big deal here in New York. Yankees fans were like, “Let’s win it.” Mets fans were like, “Let’s have fun out there, you guys.” –Jimmy Fallon

It was so cold that one guy charged the mound just to cuddle with the pitcher. –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama is getting ready to unveil his new budget nine weeks after its original due date. Or as his dog Bo put it, “Yeah, yeah. I ate the first draft. I know the drill.” –Jimmy Fallon

Last week Justin Bieber had to leave his pet monkey with customs officials in Germany after he entered the country without the right paperwork. Officials told him, “You have to leave your little friend behind. And the monkey said, “Sorry, Justin, I guess you’ve got to stay.” –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Questions On The Dog IQ Test

Thursday, March 28, 2013

10. Did you eat the dishtowel?

9. If a car is moving at 30 mph and you chase it at 15 mph, how soon will you catch it?

8. Sit

7. What is it, boy, trouble at the mill?

6. Kibbles, bits, or none of the above?

5. Paw?

4. Conjugate “woof”

3. Who’s a good doggie?

2. Summarize the advantage of licking yourself

1. Can you parallel park a car? (video of dog driving a car)

Top Ten Signs Your Pilot Is A Fake

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

10. His wrinkled Pan Am uniform

9. Excitedly tells you it’s his first time on a plane

8. During takeoff, furiously flaps his arms

7. He’s also in the Skymall magazine modeling hats

6. Refers to every control in the cockpit as a ‘doo-hickey’

5. Insists on patting down every passenger himself

4. “Flies” you from Gate 3 to Gate 4

3. Wanders through cabin collecting “gas money”

2. When he thanks you for flying, his mustache falls off

1. He can’t hold his liquor

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Popes’ Lunch

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

10. “Are you seeing anyone?”

9. “I just love the Vatican City Cheesecake Factory”

8. “Hmm, what would Jesus order?”

7. “Who do you have to canonize to get some coffee around here?”

6. “I know I’m infallible, but I should’ve gone with the chicken”

5. “Which of you had the margarita, no salt?”

4. “Cardinals be crazy”

3. “Why didn’t I think of being the humble Pope?”

2. “Oh look at the time, I should get back to poping”

1. “Put it on God’s tab”

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

Legendary singer Dionne Warwick filed for bankruptcy, claiming she has only $25,000 in assets but owes more than $10 million in unpaid taxes. She owes 400 times what she has. She could end up serving three years — as the White House budget director. –Jay Leno

On Monday night the shows “The Voice” and “Revolution” moved NBC to the number two position in the ratings. You know what that means? Between Easter and Passover is truly the season of miracles. –Jay Leno

T-Mobil announced yesterday that they are doing away with contracts. Apparently they got the idea from NBC. –Jay Leno

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann is under investigation for alleged misuse of campaign funds. She’s blaming the accusations on her arch nemesis: the facts. –Jay Leno

A man has won an $8,000 settlement from Disneyland after he got stuck on their “It’s a Small World” ride. The man said he’ll use the money to cut out the part of his brain that won’t stop playing “It’s a Small World After All.” –Conan O’Brien

Are you all ready for Easter? At my house every year I hide chocolate eggs for my son and later in the day he hides my heart medication. –David Letterman

Last year there was some trouble at the White House’s Easter egg hunt. One kid looking for eggs turned up Obama’s birth certificate. –David Letterman

Bruce Willis is with us tonight. If a terrorist tried to take this show hostage, they’d have a big surprise coming. -Jimmy Kimmel

Today is the second day on which the Supreme Court heard arguments for and against same-sex marriage, commonly referred to as gay marriage, which is commonly referred to as the magic of Siegfried and Roy. -Jimmy Kimmel

The current marriage act defines marriage as a union between one man and one impossible woman. -Jimmy Kimmel

I hope they legalize gay marriage because I need to be alive when “Gay Divorce Court” hits the air. That’s how I’ll be spending my days. -Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday former CIA director David Petraeus apologized for having an affair with his biographer. He said he hopes this begins a new chapter in his life. It got awkward when he said, “Any of you ladies want to write it?” –Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that the average American stays at his job for about four-and-a-half years. That is unless they’re a late-night host on NBC. –Jimmy Fallon

Singer Dionne Warwick has filed for bankruptcy, and revealed that she owes $10 million in back taxes. She’s angry with her accountants for the financial mess and even angrier at her psychics for not giving her a heads up. –Jimmy Fallon

In an effort to compete with Amazon, Wal-Mart is letting customers buy a product online and then pick it up in the store. The company says it’s all the convenience of shopping online without any of the convenience of shopping online. –Jimmy Fallon

It was proposed this week that members of Congress use video conferencing and other remote technology to work from their home states instead of Washington. They figure they can get just as much “not done” at home as they get “not done” in Washington. –Jay Leno

Pope Francis met former Pope Benedict over the weekend at a Vatican retreat. They spent the weekend in prayer trying to figure out exactly what marshmallow Peeps have to do with Easter. –Jay Leno

A 17-year-old British teenager just sold an iPhone app he created to Yahoo for $30 million. His app takes news stories and condenses them down into just a a few short sentences so people can read them quicker. We already have that. It’s called “USA Today.” –Jay Leno

Infectious disease experts are now warning people around the world to stay away from bats. Do you have to tell people that, really? You know which bats are not dangerous? The ones the Chicago Cubs use. –Jay Leno

Some people traveled to Washington and paid as much as $6,000 to watch the Supreme Court’s deliberations on gay marriage. Yeah, $6,000. Maybe that’s why the Supreme Court launched its 41-city Monsters of Gay Marriage Deliberation Tour. –Conan O’Brien

In Kentucky, a teenager was arrested for falsely yelling “Bingo” in a Bingo hall. It’s being called the first-ever arrest that actually diminished someone’s street cred. –Conan O’Brien

Happy birthday to retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor. She’s 83 years old today. And listen to this: In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court wished her a happy birthday. –David Letterman

The Supreme Court heard arguments on the constitutionality of same-sex marriage. It could be a major blow for those who believe that marriage should be between two bitterly and eventually overweight people of the opposite sex. -Jimmy Kimmel

Everybody’s still talking about March Madness, and it turns out that President Obama has correctly predicted 11 of the Sweet 16 teams. When Joe Biden was asked about his Sweet 16, he said, “It was great — I had a petting zoo and a clown.” –Jimmy Fallon

A father of five has come forward to claim Saturday’s winning Powerball ticket worth $338 million. Or as he told his five kids, “Great news. Three of you can go to college.” –Jimmy Fallon

Harvard was knocked out of the NCAA tournament in the second round. But don’t kid yourself. This Harvard basketball team went somewhere no other team has gone: to class. –Jay Leno

A 33-year-old woman in Britain claims to have an allergic reaction to exercise. She says every time she exercises, she has an allergic reaction. Actually, I have that. You know how I treat it? Pizza. –Jay Leno

A rattlesnake handler in Texas is recovering in the hospital after being bitten for the 12th time. If you’re a rattlesnake handler and you’ve been bitten 12 times, are you really a handler? Aren’t you just a guy who doesn’t know how to pick up snakes? –Jay Leno

Fitness pioneer Joe Weider has passed away at the age of 93. In 1969 he got Arnold Schwarzenegger his very first acting job. So, hopefully he will be remembered for the good things he did. –Jay Leno

Tonight is the beginning of the eight-day Jewish holiday of Passover, when God freed the Jews from slavery in Egypt. In other words, history’s first spring break. –Conan O’Brien

They left Egypt and went to Florida. And they’re still there. –Conan O’Brien

Passover is the time every year when I’m forced to spend eight days and eight nights writing all my own jokes. –Conan O’Brien

During its trip to the Middle East, President Obama helped restore Israel’s relationship with Turkey. Now, onto the final hurdle — restoring Israel’s relationship with pork. –Conan O’Brien

The average American works six months a year for the government. Think about that. Government employees don’t even work six months a year for the government. –David Letterman

New Secretary of State John Kerry — what do you think? Is he getting the job done? I don’t know. It’s hard to trust a secretary of state who is not wearing a pantsuit. –David Letterman

John Kerry visited Iraq and also Afghanistan. Meanwhile, Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu is meeting with Dennis Rodman. –David Letterman

There was a big upset this weekend in the NCAA tournament, when San Diego State was upset by 15th seed Florida Gulf Coast University. Yeah, Florida Gulf Coast University. Even the University of Phoenix Online was like, “Who?” –Jimmy Fallon

There’s a growing trend of older Americans who are using marijuana in their retirement. That makes sense because old people are always talking about their joints. –Jimmy Fallon

I guess the marijuana trend explains why White Castle is now offering an early bird special. –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Things You Don’t Want To Hear Over Your Team Radio During A Race presented by Graham Rahal

Thursday, March 21, 2013

10. “Are you in the red car or the green car?”

9. “I love you”

8. “Do you have your glasses?”

7. “Why aren’t you answering my texts?”

6. “You’re listening to 90.3 FM, Rio’s number one for samba”

5. “How long was I asleep?”

4. “We just got a new sponsor — Carnival Cruises!”

3. “What do you want?”

2. “Who’s a good race car driver? You are — yes, you are!”

1. “Dude, you’re going the wrong way”

Top Ten Signs You Have A Special Chicken

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

10. Lays eggs and bacon

9. Clucks in five languages

8. Holds a bachelor’s degree in hotel management

7. Struck down law defining marriage as between a rooster and a hen

6. Knew when to invest in Apple and when to get the hell out

5. Comes with soup, salad, and choice of potato (No, I’m sorry, that’s a sign you’re having the chicken special)

4. The chicken is on the short list to replace Alex Trebek

3. Can scientifically prove the egg came first

2. Regularly lays ping pong balls with winning Lotto numbers

1. Is only member of its family not currently a McNugget

Top Ten New Carnival Cruise Ship Names

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

10. Carnival Coli

9. Dyspeptic Princess

8. Poseidon’s Outhouse

7. Hepitanic

6. S.S. S.O.S

5. Quarantina

4. HMS Litigation

3. Costco Concordia

2. Peptotania

1. Q.E. Ewwwww

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

A man in England has created a car that runs on coffee. Well, what a genius this guy is. Let’s pick a liquid that costs even more money than gasoline. –Jay Leno

Hey, if you think it costs a lot to fill up your tank now, just wait until Starbucks is involved. –Jay Leno

You know what that guy should invent? A Carnival Cruise ship that runs on human waste. That thing could go forever. –Jay Leno

Scientists say they are getting closer to being able to do “Jurassic Park”-style cloning of extinct species. Imagine that? Things that were thought to be extinct could be brought back from the dead. So there’s hope for NBC. It could turn around. –Jay Leno

A guy in Great Britain found a way to make cars run on coffee. It sounds like a great idea, right? Well, wait until you start trying to fill up the tank at Starbucks. –David Letterman

The good news is if cars start running on coffee, it means once again I can smoke at the pumps. –David Letterman

The new Pope worked as a bouncer in a nightclub. You don’t think of that as step number one on your way to the top, do you? –David Letterman

I believe he’s the only Pope who has ever said, “You’ve had enough, Miss Lohan.” –David Letterman –Craig Ferguson

The first day of spring is known as the “vernal equinox.” The equinox is special. It only happens twice a year, like a good night in ratings for NBC. –Craig Ferguson

It is spring in L.A. Flowers are blooming, sundresses are coming out, and Taylor Swift is gathering up new boyfriends to last through the summer. –Craig Ferguson

Even though it’s warm here in L.A., people still have to wear layers — at least until their plastic surgery heals. –Craig Ferguson

Here at CBS, spring also means March Madness. I love the name March Madness. I’m glad the PC police haven’t made us change March Madness to “early spring psychosis.” –Craig Ferguson

How does spring break work for people who get their degrees online? Do they go to websites about the beach? –Jimmy Kimmel

The president filled out his NCAA bracket. He picked Indiana, Louisville, Florida, and Ohio State to reach the Final Four. He had Indiana to win, but Republicans in the House blocked that. –Jimmy Kimmel

A man in the U.K. is making news for getting his car to run on coffee. That’s a good idea. Since gas prices aren’t high enough, let’s add Starbucks to the equation. –Jimmy Fallon

During his visit to Israel today, President Obama’s limousine broke down after it was mistakenly filled with the wrong fuel. Or as Obama put it: “Who the hell filled this thing up with coffee?” –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama filled out his NCAA tournament bracket. He picked Florida, Indiana, Louisville, and Ohio State to go to the Final Four. It’s been four months since the election, and he still needs Florida and Ohio to win. –Jimmy Fallon

A NASA official told Congress that if a meteor was on track to strike the U.S., Americans should pray. Even Pope Francis was like, “That’s your Plan A?” –Jimmy Fallon

A 28-year-old woman from Serbia has a rare brain condition where she sees everything upside down. The good news? She’s now been given a job at the White House as President Obama’s economic adviser. –Jay Leno

She sees everything upside down. In fact, she thinks NBC is at the top of the ratings. –Jay Leno

The U.S. Senate is now fighting to keep open the Senate barber shop. It loses $350,000 a year. Do you know what that makes it? The most successful government program ever. It’s losing only $350,000 a year. –Jay Leno

The island nation of Cyprus is now considering a 10 percent tax on every individual savings account in that country. They’ll take 10 percent of your money right out of the bank. To which President Obama said: “You can do that?” –Jay Leno

I have a problem with “Bates Motel.” It’s set in the present day. I don’t like that. I don’t want to see Norman Bates texting, “OMG, mom just stabbed somebody.” –Craig Ferguson

Justin Bieber says he’s growing a mustache. He’s going to post the finished result on Twitter, assuming Twitter still exists in the year 2050. –Craig Ferguson

Today’s the last full day of winter. Which means I still have a little more time to take down my Christmas lights before it gets weird. –Jimmy Fallon

Kentucky Senator Rand Paul announced that he supports a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants. Or as illegal immigrants put it, “Who do you think’s going to build that path?” –Jimmy Fallon

Kate Middleton revealed that she wants to have a boy, but Prince William is hoping for a girl. However, they both agree that no matter what gender it is, its nanny will love it just the same. –Jimmy Fallon

Burger King is now offering a turkey burger on its menu. Or as horses put it, “Nope, still us.” –Jimmy Fallon

To celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, Carnival Cruise had all their toilets overflowing with green water. –Jay Leno

You know the whole legend of St. Patrick, right? St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland — and then they came to the United States and became NBC executives. –Jay Leno

I woke up this morning to the sound of helicopters and police sirens — which of course in L.A. can only mean one thing: Lindsay Lohan’s back in court again. –Jay Leno

Lindsay was late once again for a court appearance by almost an hour. But I blame the judge. Who in his right mind would schedule a Lindsay Lohan court appearance for the morning after St. Patrick’s Day? –Jay Leno

Lindsay Lohan was back in court for a probation violation hearing. She was 48 minutes late to court. What she really needs to steal is a watch. –Jimmy Kimmel

Tiger Woods announced he is dating Lindsey Vonn. So just when you thought Lohan had a lock on the title of Lindsay with the worst judgment, along comes Lindsey Vonn. –Jimmy Kimmel

Tiger said, “We have become close and are now dating. We thank you for your support and respecting our privacy.” And the best way to keep it private is to post about it on Facebook. –Jimmy Kimmel

It’s nice to see Tiger with a woman not holding a subpoena for a change. –Jimmy Kimmel

It is the day after St. Patrick’s Day. So if you’re just waking up now, I’m sorry, I don’t know whose apartment you’re in. –Jimmy Fallon

The guy who plays Satan on the History Channel’s “The Bible” looks like President Obama. Even Rush Limbaugh was outraged. He was like, “How can you do that to Satan?” –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Construction Worker Pet Peeves

Friday, March 15, 2013

10. “7 a.m. start time conflicts with my yoga”

9. “Tool belts make my ass look fat”

8. “People see me in a hard hat and think it’s okay to throw stuff at my head”

7. “Battling rats with my nail gun”

6. “When I work at high altitude, the tools talk to me”

5. “You finish a skyscraper at 1800 Broadway; turns out it was supposed to be at 1900 Broadway”

4. “Learning that one of your favorite traffic cones was run over”

3. “Showoffs with all ten fingers”

2. “Having to shut down a construction site to read ten lame jokes”

1. “Co-workers who giggle at the word ‘caulk’”

Top Ten Biblical Television Shows

Thursday, March 14, 2013

10. “Leviticus and Shirley”

9. “Gomorroh Five-O”

8. “Curb Your Polytheism”

7. “Abstinence and the City”

6. “Monk”

5. “I Dream of Jesus”

4. “Parks & Resurrection”

3. “Two and a Half Wise Men”

2. “The Big Bang Theory is a Lie”

1. “S#*! My God Says”

Top Ten Rejected Pope Names

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

10. Kim Jong Pope

9. Pope Pius Galifianakis

8. Pope John MMMLXXXVII (Pope John The Three Thousand Eighty-Seventh)

7. Pope Sixteenth the Eleventh

6. Pope Milton Tingling

5. Pope W. Bush

4. Pope John Paul Van Damme

3. Pope Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino

2. Sponge Pope Big Hat

1. Francis Ford Poppola

Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Attempting to Live to 150

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

10. “Do I want to put off my retirement until I’m 138?”

9. “Am I that desperate to see ‘Die Hard 30′?”

8. “Is 150 really ‘the new 140?’”

7. “Can I keep this a secret from my wife?”

6. “Can I get back the deposit on my own cemetery plot?”

5. “Will I have enough Viagra?”

4. “Do I mind outliving the planet?”

3. “How many colonoscopies is too many colonoscopies?”

2. “Will I end up looking like Larry King?”

1. “An extra half-century of incontinence? What’s the catch?”

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Fallon:

We have a new Pope! He is Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio. He is from Argentina. Tens of millions of Hispanics celebrated. And that was just here in L.A. –Jay Leno

People all over the world celebrated differently. In Rome they prayed. In Dublin, they sang. In New York, they chugged super-sized Mountain Dews. –Jay Leno

But their job is not done yet. The 115 cardinals are going to stay in Rome a few extra days and try to find a replacement for Joy Behar on “The View.” –Jay Leno

We’re learning more about the dead Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez. It seems he amassed about $2 billion in personal fortune while president — and he was a socialist. Imagine how rich he could have been if he didn’t believe in redistribution of wealth. –Jay Leno

We have a new Pope. The Vatican has chosen the first ever Argentinean Pope. So once again, a bunch of old white guys got a Hispanic to do a job they didn’t want to do. –Conan O’Brien

The new Pope has chosen the name Pope Francis. A little advice for the Vatican: If you really want to make a strong stand against homosexuality, don’t go with a girl’s name. –Conan O’Brien

The big news is the new Pope. His name is Jorge Mario Bergoglio. If you’re saying to yourself, “Boy, that name sounds familiar,” you’re right. For seven years he was the ace reliever for the Yankees. –David Letterman

Mayor Bloomberg tried to ban giant 16-ounce sugary sodas and a judge overturned the ruling. And I said, “Thank God I don’t have to drive to Canada to get my Mountain Dew anymore.” –David Letterman

The Pope pickin’ is over. Over 100,000 people were packed into St. Peter’s Square, waiting for news of the Pope. It was really awe-inspiring. Between that and Monday night’s “Bachelor” finale, my eyes haven’t been dry all week. -Craig Ferguson

The new Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, is now Pope Francis the 1st. “Francis” was not his first choice for a name. But the Vatican wisely talked him out of “Pope Boo Boo.” -Craig Ferguson

What do we know about Pope Francis? Well, he’s 76 years old. He’s a former archbishop, and he likes long walks on the beach, giant hats, and the music of Coldplay. -Craig Ferguson

Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio of Argentina has been named the new Pope. After the new Pope was chosen, he was brought to a place in the Vatican called “The Room of Tears.” Or as I call that, “the gym.” –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, a truck in North Carolina overturned and spilled frozen pizzas all over the highway. First responders said, “It’s not a disaster — it’s DiGiorno.” –Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that Newark Airport is one of the best airports in the country to find love. Unless you love your luggage. –Jimmy Fallon

The latest rumor, according to the Italian press, is that Pope Benedict did not retire. They say he was forced out by NBC. –Jay Leno

A judge overturned Mayor Bloomberg’s ban on large sugary drinks. The judge made his decision after testimony from a prominent physician. I believe it was a Dr. Pepper, if I’m not mistaken. –Jay Leno

McDonald’s announced they are dropping its fruit and walnut salad from the menu. The two people who go to McDonald’s for fruit and walnuts are really upset about this. –Jay Leno

According to reports, Saudi Arabia is considering dropping public beheadings because of a shortage of government swordsmen. You don’t want amateurs to cut people’s heads off because that could be barbaric. –Jay Leno

Everyone’s waiting to find out who the new Pope will be. Did you know the Pope gets to choose his own name? Experts say the number one choice for the new Pope’s name is John and the number two choice is Leo. A distant third: Jayden. –Conan O’Brien

The cardinals at the Vatican will release black smoke if they don’t reach a decision and white smoke if they do. And blue smoke means they’re working on the Vatican Oldsmobile. –Conan O’Brien

The cardinals are in seclusion until they choose a new Pope, and they don’t have access to the Internet. This is to keep them from being exposed to any press rumors and any “Walking Dead” spoilers. –Conan O’Brien

A company is developing drones that can be used to pick up and develop items for customers. So if you see a drone, someone in the neighborhood either joined al-Qaida or Netflix. –Conan O’Brien

With the selection process going on for the new Pope, there’s a lot of papal trivial. For example, did you know that no Pope has ever in the history of the church been elected without carrying Ohio? –David Letterman

The cardinals each write down their choice on a small slip of paper and put in a silver chalice and then they mix all the names up and they’re drawn out. It’s the same thing they do for the Vatican’s Secret Santa. –David Letterman

The nation of Iran is threatening to sue the makers of the movie “Argo.” They say the movie was an unrealistic portrayal of their country. You can’t do that! That would be like Scotland suing over the movie “Shrek.” -Craig Ferguson

As of yet no Pope has been elected. Experts say the thick smoke seen pouring out of the Vatican indicates either the first ballot was a deadlock or that Willie Nelson has arrived for the vote. -Craig Ferguson

A New York City judge struck down a proposed law to ban sodas larger than 16 ounces. I think Mayor Bloomberg should spend his time trying to improve stuff like education. New York needs a better education system if kids didn’t figure out they could get around the 16-ounce soda ban by simply purchasing two 12-ounce sodas. -Craig Ferguson

Today was the first day that cardinals started voting for the new Pope. Everyone has already voted except the cardinal from Florida, who’s still trying to figure out how the ballots work. –Jimmy Fallon

In accordance with Vatican tradition, the cardinals in the papal conclave will release white smoke when a Pope is chosen. The practice was started by those two ancient leaders, Cardinal Cheech and Cardinal Chong. –Jimmy Fallon

There are reports that Joe Biden will handle more foreign policy matters during President Obama’s second term. Though you know it’s bad when world leaders are like, “Can you just send Dennis Rodman instead?” –Jimmy Fallon

A 106-year-old woman in Ohio just received her high school diploma after 88 years. She may even go to college, but only if she gets that volleyball scholarship. –Jimmy Fallon

In Venezuela they held the funeral for dictator Hugo Chavez. Many world leaders were there: Iran sent their president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad; Cuba sent Raul Castro; and we sent Dennis Rodman. –Jay Leno

Now that Hugo Chavez is gone, the crazy nut-ball dictator void will be filled by North Korea’s Kim Jong Un. It’s nice of him to step in and fill that. –Jay Leno

A new poll indicates that President Obama is no better than George W. Bush at protecting civil liberties. In fact, the pollster had some follow-up questions but split when he saw a drone fly overhead. –Jay Leno

In England, gas is $10 a gallon. In fact, gas is so high in England that people have stopped eating horses and started riding them again. –Jay Leno

The Obamas’ dog Bo still travels with his own motorcade. After hearing this, Vice President Joe Biden said “Wait, why am I still taking the train?” –Conan O’Brien

After tours of the White House were canceled due to budget cuts, Donald Trump offered to pay for them. All he’s asking is they rename it the Trump White House and Casino. –Conan O’Brien

Cardinals are starting to vote on a new Pope. Apparently for someone to become Pope, they have to receive 77 of the votes from the cardinals. They also have to win Ohio and Florida. –Conan O’Brien

The former mayor of Detroit has been convicted of racketeering and extortion charges. The sentence is pretty hard. He has to serve another term as mayor of Detroit. –Conan O’Brien

Tomorrow the College of Cardinals will gather at the Vatican, where they will vote four times a day until they select a new Pope. And if that doesn’t work, they’ll move onto the tiebreaker: “Rock, Bible, Scissors.” . –Jimmy Fallon

“Oz the Great and Powerful” made $80 million at the box office in its opening weekend. It tells the story of a con artist dealing with a bunch of witches. Or as he’s called these days, “The Bachelor.” . –Jimmy Fallon

It was announced that China is opening its own Disneyland, which Disney says will be both “authentically Disney and distinctly Chinese.” Which explains why the parents of Huey, Duey, and Louie had to pick just one. . –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Amish-Themed Television Shows

Thursday, February 28, 2013

10. “Churn Your Enthusiasm”

9. “Not-So-Modern Family”

8. “Cash Buggy”

7. “That 1870s Show”

6. “I Dream of Electricity”

5. “Battlebarn Lancastica”

4. “Win, Lose or Plow”

3. “A*M*A*S*H”

2. “How I Met My Second Cousin”

1. “Two and a Half Mennonites”

Top Ten Countries According to Secretary of State John Kerry

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

10. Portuguam

9. Galifiankistan

8. Uncle Artica

7. Costa Regis

6. Equatorial Vinnie

5. Guayaguay

4. Greece 2

3. Belize Navidad

2. Bangjohntesh

1. Cameroon Diaz

Top Ten Pope Benedict Achievements

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

10. Invented the vibrating desk

9. Designs new summer line of papal vestments

8. Announces Vatican’s Two-For-One Lobster Tuesdays

7. Invents rechargeable pope hat

6. Departs St. Peter’s Square via jetpack

5. Makes historic trip to Mexico

4. Serves as judge on “Vatican City’s Got Talent”

3. Releases best-selling iPad app, “Angry Popes”

2. Hosts his own game show

1. Performs first miracle: Turning bread into toast

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

This horse meat scandal just keeps growing. And it isn’t happening only in Europe. According to a new report, donkey meat has been found in hamburgers in South Africa. Consumers said when they were eating the burgers, they sensed something was wrong but they couldn’t quite pin a tail on it. –Jay Leno

In fact, in South Africa more than two-thirds of the meat products tested contained undeclared ingredients. Or as we call that in this country, a hot dog. –Jay Leno

For the first time ever, NBC finished fifth in the ratings. Fifth! If we were a racehorse in England, we’d be a Burger King Whopper now. –Jay Leno

President Obama said this week that after four years as president, “you realize all the mistakes you’ve made.” so apparently he DOES watch Fox News. –Jay Leno

Today the Pope made his last public appearance. That is, until the new season of “Dancing With the Stars.” –Conan O’Brien

The Pope said that the past few years have been very difficult for the church and at times he felt that “the lord seemed to be asleep.” When asked for comment the lord said, “You try staying awake through a Latin mass.” –Conan O’Brien

Big international controversy about the Oscars. When they aired in Iran, the Iranian government digitally added sleeves to Michelle Obama’s gown. They also altered the video so that Jennifer Lawrence is now deliberately tripped by the Israelis. –Conan O’Brien

Hundreds of employees of Weight Watchers are complaining about the company’s low wages. The employees said, “They’re paying us peanuts. By the way, they’re only six points per serving.” –Conan O’Brien

It’s tax season. Has anybody been to their accountant? I used to go in with a short form and be out of there in 10 minutes. Well, now I went to the guy and the first thing he says to me when I walk into the office is, “Are you sure you weren’t tailed?” –David Letterman

Sequesters — any idea what those are? The star of “Rocky” was Sequester Stallone. That’s as close as I can come. –David Letterman

Congratulations to Chuck Hagel, new secretary of defense. And today, he’s already off to a bad start. He’s going to bring all of the troops home from Afghanistan, but they’re coming on a Carnival cruise. –David Letterman

Italy just had its elections. There’s no winner. There’s no government in Italy. People over there have been running wild through the streets, waving their hands in the air. And then they heard about the elections. –Craig Ferguson

Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man can walk across Italy and retain his celibacy, he’s got what it takes to be a priest — or an interior decorator. –Craig Ferguson

A lot of Americans can’t believe how crazy the politics are in Italy. A comedian might become prime minister. We would never do that in America. A pro wrestler? Sure. Stuart Smalley from “Saturday Night Live”? Yeah. –Craig Ferguson

TLC has renewed its reality show, “Breaking Amish,” for a second season. Parents of those kids would be so proud if they had any idea what that meant. –Jimmy Fallon

Americans are bracing for this thing called the sequester — when $85 billion will be cut from almost every part of the budget. So teachers, meat inspectors, and TSA workers will all be affected. So if you’re someone who teaches people how to keep bad meat off airplanes, this is a tough weekend. –Jimmy Fallon

In his final speech before resigning, Pope Benedict said that he is not abandoning the Catholic Church. Like most Catholics, he’ll be back for Christmas and Easter. –Jimmy Fallon

Researchers in Germany now say that human longevity has improved so rapidly over the past century that 72 is the new 30. That is bad news for parents. You’ll never get the kids out of the house now. “Dad, I’m only 50. That’s like 17.” –Jay Leno

A storm dumped 17 inches of snow on Amarillo, Texas, yesterday. It was really confusing for people sneaking over the border. They thought they’d gone all the way to Canada. –Jay Leno

In a White House briefing, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano warned that sequestration would affect border security. Her remarks raised eyebrows in Washington and got big laughs in Mexico. –Jay Leno

Doesn’t sequestration sound like some kind of side effect from a bad medicine? –Jay Leno

Somebody noticed that none of the Oscar winners thanked God. To add insult to injury, at his last sermon, the same day, the Pope thanked Harvey Weinstein and Meryl Streep. –Conan O’Brien

It’s being reported that next season, “Downton Abbey” will feature its first black character. The producers hope this will lead to “Downton Abbey’s” first black viewer. –Conan O’Brien

Longevity scientists said that compared to last century, 72 is the new 30. However, they said that Larry King is still very, very old. –Conan O’Brien

The White House officially released portraits of the White House gang. You can all see the portrait of Hillary Clinton. It will be on next month’s cover of the “Sports Illustrated” pantsuit issue.  –David Letterman

The Pope was fired a couple weeks ago. They caught him stealing communion wafers. –David Letterman

The Pope does not earn a nickel. No paycheck, no money coming in, nothing. That must drive his wife crazy. –David Letterman

Earlier tonight ABC announced its new “Dancing With the Stars” lineup. I was confused. I thought the sequester eliminated that. –David Letterman

Today they announced the new cast of “Dancing With the Stars.” Guess who they got this year? Ingo Rademacher. I can’t believe they got him or her. –Craig Ferguson

The show also got Dorothy Hamill and Andy Dick. I know Dorothy Hamill and Andy Dick. One is the prancing ice princess who stole my heart in Montreal and the other one is Dorothy Hamill. –Craig Ferguson

This morning on “Good Morning America,” ABC unveiled the new cast of “Dancing With the Stars.” It was a who’s who of who needs money. –Jimmy Kimmel

TLC announced that “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” will soon be on the air in Australia, Latin America, and the Netherlands. Personally, I’m not in favor of exporting our reality shows to other countries. Deporting our reality shows, yes. But exporting, no. –Jimmy Kimmel

Manti Te’o was apparently one of the slowest linebackers to run the 40-yard dash at the NFL’s scouting combine yesterday. You can tell he took it to heart because today he spent three hours on an imaginary Stairmaster. –Jimmy Fallon

Kim Kardashian said that she and Kanye West want to get married, but they’re not going to rush it. And also because they have to wait until Kim is actually divorced. –Jimmy Fallon

Beyoncé has actually designed her own pair of sneakers. The sneakers are made of stingray, ostrich, cat hair, crocodile, and anaconda skins. So if you want a pair of those sneakers, you’d better order them now while species last. –Jimmy Fallon

The online college, the University of Phoenix, could lose its license because of questionable billing policies. Which makes sense when you find out they got their accounting degree from the University of Phoenix. –Jimmy Fallon

“Life of Pi” took home four Oscars. It’s about a young boy trapped at sea on a small boat with a man-eating tiger. Yet with all that, it’s still a better way to travel than a Carnival cruise. –Jay Leno

Jennifer Lawrence won for best actress and worst stuntwoman. –Jay Leno

There was one glaring omission in the “In memoriam” reel: Lindsay Lohan’s career. Didn’t that die last year? –Jay Leno

Pizzas in Denmark have been discovered with horse meat. Pizzas with horse meat. How fast does THAT get delivered to your house? –Jay Leno

Welcome to the show. I’m Conan O’Brien — or perhaps I’m Daniel Day-Lewis in his greatest role yet. –Conan O’Brien

Last night a toilet flooded the lobby where the Oscars show was being held. The show won an Oscar for best portrayal of a Carnival cruise. –Conan O’Brien

Big winner last night was “Life of Pi,” a story of a young man who wakes up in a lifeboat with a hyena, zebra, orangutan, and tiger, which oddly enough, is also the plot of “The Hangover 3.” –Conan O’Brien

South Korea’s first female president was sworn in. Meanwhile, North Korea said, “We’re just going to stick with men named Kim.” –Conan O’Brien

Anybody see the Academy Awards last night? The show was so long that by the middle of the show the audience was begging Daniel Day-Lewis to free them. –David Letterman

Last night’s Academy Awards lasted about three hours and 40 minutes. Even Jennifer Lawrence’s dress was like, “That’s way too long.” –Jimmy Fallon

The entire cast of “Les Miserables” performed a song from the movie, featuring Russell Crowe. Or as the cast of “Zero Dark Thirty” put it, “Now this is torture.” –Jimmy Fallon

The company that owns Olive Garden announced that its revenue has dropped 5 percent in the last quarter. Which explains their new promotion: limited bread sticks. –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

Former Senator Pete Domenici of New Mexico revealed that while in office he fathered a child with the daughter of another senator, who was a friend of his. He cheated on his wife with the daughter of another senator and they had a baby. When did the Senate become “The Jerry Springer Show”? –Jay Leno

Domenici is defending himself by saying that he is no better or worse than the next guy. And he’s right, because you know who the next guy was? John Edwards.  –Jay Leno

The former San Diego mayor, Maureen O’Connor, told federal prosecutors she went broke after gambling away more than a billion dollars she inherited from her late husband at casinos playing video poker. But to be fair, at one point, she was up 300 bucks. –Jay Leno

Former Chicago Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. pled guilty to misusing hundreds of thousands of dollars of campaign funds for personal use, including buying a $43,000 Rolex watch. How ironic is that? All that money on a watch, and now he’s going to wind up doing time. –Jay Leno

I’ve got the latest Oscar buzz. Many Pakistanis are saying that “Zero Dark Thirty” contains factual errors. Then someone explained to the Pakistanis that being directed by a woman does not qualify as a factual error. -Conan O’Brien

It’s been reported that after the Pope retires he’ll receive a relatively small pension. So don’t be surprised to see an elderly German on the sidewalk with a sign that reads “Will Pope for food.” -Conan O’Brien

It’s being reported that the next Pope could be a cardinal from Boston. That means the Vatican may soon endorse birth control but only for Yankee fans. -Conan O’Brien

It’s still winter here in New York City. It’s 28 and bitter, like Lindsay Lohan. -David Letterman

They’re going to miss Pope Benedict. He’s very underrated. This is the guy who wanted to replace Communion wafers with unlimited bread sticks. -David Letterman

They’re looking for a new Pope. Each candidate will get a week’s tryout with Kelly Ripa. -David Letterman

A woman called 911 because she ran out of cigarettes. You don’t see me calling 911 because I run out of jokes, do you? Not anymore, anyway. -David Letterman

t’s a great day for the city of Los Angeles. We’ve become the first city to synchronize all of our traffic lights. This will make it easier to get downtown and watch the Lakers lose. –Craig Ferguson

Today the Bulgarian prime minister, Boyko Borisov, stepped down. He’s stepping down like the Pope, but with a funnier name and a smaller hat. –Craig Ferguson

I’m not sure who’ll replace Boyko Borisov. My money’s on Ashton Kutcher. –Craig Ferguson

Robert Plant told Australia’s version of “60 Minutes” that he’d be willing to reform Led Zeppelin. When I heard this, I said, “What? Australia has a “60 Minutes?” –Craig Ferguson

A woman in New York has been arrested for hiring strippers to perform at her son’s 16th birthday party. Even Dina and Michael Lohan were like, “That’s a really bad parenting choice.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Florida Atlantic University announced a new corporate sponsor for their football stadium. It happens to be America’s second largest operator of for-profit prisons. I guess they figured a lot of the athletes end up in prison anyway. –Jimmy Kimmel

The school, Florida Atlantic University, says very little will change. The only change they’re making is that hot dogs will now go for two packs of cigarettes. –Jimmy Kimmel

In November, Colorado voted to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. Currently, only Colorado residents can purchase marijuana in the state. But they may open it up to nonresidents too. The new state slogan is “Come for the legal marijuana, stay because you forgot to leave.” –Jimmy Kimmel

I guess to appeal to a younger audience, this year’s Academy Awards are just being referred to as the Oscars. And to appeal to an even younger audience, they’re spelling Oscar with a “z” — and backwards in crayon. –Jimmy Fallon

There’s talk that the White House may fine China for its recent cyber attacks on American companies. The fine could total in the millions of dollars, which is great because we could really use that money to pay back China. –Jimmy Fallon

In an effort to reduce its debt, the U.S. Postal Service is launching its own line of clothing and accessories. They come in one size, embarrasses all. –Jimmy Fallon

Over the weekend, President Obama played golf with Tiger Woods. Tiger said the president was a very good golfer for a guy who plays only five days a week. –Jay Leno

Actually, you know what the president’s handicap is? He doesn’t understand economics. –Jay Leno

Actually, Tiger Woods gave the president some very valuable tips. The most valuable one? Erase all of your text messages. –Jay Leno

You knew this was going to happen. Dozens and dozens of lawsuits have already been filed against Carnival Cruise Lines. Well, if you thought the ship was filthy, slimy, and disgusting, wait until these lawyers get involved. –Jay Leno

The Italian press is reporting that the next Pope could be the cardinal from Boston. If he gets the job, he’ll be the first Pope to make you kiss his 2007 World Series ring. -Conan O’Brien

A top food manufacturer is reporting that some of their pasta meals contain horse meat. So if I were you, I’d stay away from the “Rigatoni, My Little Pony.” -Conan O’Brien

In Massachusetts, a dad promised his daughter $200 if she would get off Facebook, which is ridiculous, because every parent knows the best way to get a kid off of Facebook is to join Facebook. -Conan O’Brien

Yesterday Burger King’s official Twitter account got hacked. When asked for comment, people who follow Burger King on twitter were too embarrassed to identify themselves. -Conan O’Brien

I have a special treat for the audience here tonight. Save your ticket stubs, all right? Somebody’s going on a Carnival Cruise! -David Letterman

The Pope, a couple of weeks ago, was fired. One day you’re the leader of the Catholic Church, and the next day you’re at Denny’s blowing on your soup. -David Letterman

Here’s one of the odd things about being Pope. You’re the Pope and you’re in your office and sitting at your desk, and on your desk is a photo of your boss’s son. -David Letterman

Pope Benedict is deaf in one ear. He’s deaf in one ear and also a little bit blind, but boy, he sure could play a mean pinball. -David Letterman

It’s a great day for a bunch of thieves in Belgium. They got away with more than $50 million worth of pure, uncut diamonds. This diamond heist is the biggest robbery ever pulled off at an airport if you don’t count them charging $25 to check a bag. –Craig Ferguson

The thieves got away in a minivan. Police are blaming the Serbian crime syndicate. In a minivan? I think it’s diabolical soccer moms. –Craig Ferguson

When I hear about a crime like this, part of me thinks it’s kind of cool. But it’s not right. Stealing is never cool. They took something without it being funny. This wasn’t “Ocean’s 11.” These guys just came up and took someone’s hard-earned money without being at all funny or cool. So it’s more like “Ocean’s 12.” –Craig Ferguson

In a new interview, Bill Gates said he’s not satisfied with the level of innovation at Microsoft. He would’ve said more, but he had to hang up the phone so his assistant could use the Internet. –Jimmy Fallon

Today North Korea announced that its tourism has steadily increased over the last 10 years. You can tell they’re trying to boost tourism with their new slogan, “North Korea: You’ll Never Want to Leave, Because We Won’t Let You.” –Jimmy Fallon

Reader’s Digest has filed for bankruptcy, just one week after the Pope resigned. Man, my grandmother hasn’t been this depressed since Michael Bublé got married. –Jimmy Fallon

Lawmakers in Montana are considering a bill that would make it legal for people to take road kill home and use it as food. When Montana residents heard that, they were like, “Wait, that was illegal?” –Jimmy Fallon

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