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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Charities Under Investigation

10.Adopt-A-Rat

9.United Wayans

8.Doctors Without Licenses

7.Habitat for Humidity

6.The Hellman’s Mayo Clinic

5.Hearts for Cheneys

4.Monkey Scouts of America

3.Men Without Hats

2.Food Bank for New Jersey Governor Chris Christie

1.The New York Mets

Top Ten Other Things Rick Santorum Thinks Are Bull****

10.Imitation maple syrup

9.”No hirt, no shoes, no service”

8.The Internet

7.Dr. Phil’s medical degree

6.Corn-shaped corn holders

5.British Revolutionary War uniforms (That’s our mistake, that shouldn’t have been on the list — he thinks highly of those uniforms)

4.Politicians using profanity

3.”Glee”

2.Letterman repeatedly playing this “bull****” video

1.Sweaters with sleeves

Top Ten Things You Don’t Want To Hear Your Pilot Say

10.”Hey Lindbergh, get off my lap!”

9.”We’ll be cruising at an altitute of seventy-five feet”

8.”Here’s a little something I once tried at an air show”

7.”I love this airport — The terminals are the right height”

6.”Bring Daddy a whiskey sour”

5.”Meow”

4.”We’ll be arriving in Newark shortly”

3.”Help! I’m covered in ticks”

2.”Enjoy the in-flight movie, starring myself and the co-pilot’s wife”

1.”If you turn your attention to the front of the airplane, you’ll see me being hog-tied by an air marshal”

Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Spending $50 On A Photo With Newt Gingrich

10.”How much have I paid for pictures with other guys named ‘Newt’?”

9.”Should I just photograph myself burning $50?”

8.”Do I look Newty enough?”

7.”Should I just get a free photo with some other guy who’s not going to be President?”

6.”Do I have to touch him?”

5.”Is this how Newt met his three wives?”

4.”Seriously, have I lost my mind?”

3.”Does Newt have to be in the photo?”

2.”What would Rick Santorum think of this idea?”

1.”Will Rush Limbaugh thing I’m a slut?”

Top Ten Good Things About Living In A Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland

10.You don’t waste time worrying about an impending apocalypse

9.It’s a great excuse for not dusting

8.Low mortgage rates make buying a cave easier than ever

7.No shortage of irradiated sand

6.Fewer films about post-apocalyptic wastelands

5.You can find a parking space

4.No Republican debates

3.News radio has traffic on the 1s, zombie attacks on the 8s

2.Breakdancing robots

1.Still easy to purchase Met tickets

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Conan O’Brien and David Letterman:

A group headed up by Magic Johnson bought the Dodgers for $2 billion. How much are beer and hot dogs going to cost at Dodger Stadium now? –Jay Leno

Gas prices are expected to continue to rise throughout the summer, and oil companies say it’s because of high demand due to warmer summer weather — as opposed to what they told us a couple of months ago, that oil prices went up because of higher demand for winter heating oil. So basically, if there’s weather, gas prices go up. –Jay Leno

Newt Gingrich announced today he is laying off a third of his campaign staff. Is that surprising? He laid off two-thirds of his wives. –Jay Leno

“Titanic” is being re-released in 3-D, and they tried to update it a little bit to play to the younger crowd. In the new version, the captain hits the iceberg because he’s texting. –Jay Leno

An investment group headed by Magic Johnson has reached a deal to buy the Los Angeles Dodgers. Magic said he won’t make any major changes other than the Dodgers will now play basketball. –Conan O’Brien

It’s never a good sign when the best athlete on your team is the owner. –Conan O’Brien

“The Hunger Games” mania continues. After “Twilight” fans were called Twi-hards, “Hunger Games” fans have now been dubbed Hunger-lings. “John Carter” fans are referred to as “That guy who saw ‘John Carter.’” –Conan O’Brien

A recent report shows that pot smokers get into fewer car crashers than drunk people. Then again, it’s easier to see what is coming when you’re driving at 11 miles an hour. –Conan O’Brien

A study claims eight out of 109 cities that value sex the most are in California. So thank you, Governor Schwarzenegger. –Jimmy Kimmel

Seven of the eight cities that value sex the most are in the L.A. area. That makes sense. We have Paris Hilton and Charlie Sheen living here. –Jimmy Kimmel

Ron Paul said it’s still too early to count him out as the Republican nominee. Seriously? That’s like Newt Gingrich saying it’s too early to count him out as an Abercrombie model. –Jimmy Fallon

A high school here in New York is asking Knicks point guard Jeremy Lin to speak at its graduation. Lin plans on telling the kids they can be anything they dream of — for about two weeks. –Jimmy Fallon

Alicia Silverstone is making news for feeding her son by chewing his food and then passing it into his mouth. Even birds are like, “Just buy him some Gerber, you weirdo!” –Jimmy Fallon

In New York City this week, they had the annual Greek Independence Day Parade. In fact, it was so authentically Greek that before the parade even started it was $12 million in debt. –Jay Leno

A madam in New York City claims that John Edwards was a customer in her brothel. You hear that kind of thing and it really makes you lose respect for prostitutes, doesn’t it? –Jay Leno

The Supreme Court is deciding right now whether the government can mandate that all Americans buy health insurance. Rick Santorum said, “There’s no way I’m letting the government make me go on a man date.” –Conan O’Brien

The man who hacked into Scarlett Johansson’s cell phone and posted nude photos of her has pled guilty. However, the judge has reduced the man’s sentence if he solemnly swears to do it again. –Conan O’Brien

In Germany, a court has ruled that German police are allowed to racially profile citizens. But don’t worry. It’s Germany, so things shouldn’t get out of hand. –Conan O’Brien

Over the weekend they gave Dick Cheney a heart transplant. Finally all of those midnight trips to the graveyard with the hunchbacked assistant have paid off. –David Letterman

Dick Cheney was talking to a reporter right after the surgery and he said he wants to live long enough to make sure nobody else gets healthcare. –David Letterman

For the first time in history, Americans will watch more movies online than they will on physical media like DVDs. Four billion will be watched the old-fashioned way. In 10 years people will be looking back on us renting movies at Blockbuster like we look back at people washing their clothes on a river rock. –Jimmy Kimmel

Newt Gingrich is hoping to cut into his campaign debt by charging people $50 to take a photo with him. Just imagine — a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get a personal picture with a man who will never be the president of the United States. –Jimmy Kimmel

I would pay the 50 bucks if he agreed to wear a prom dress in the photo. –Jimmy Kimmel

Apparently Tim Tebow is looking for a house in the same neighborhood where Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez lives. It’s right at the intersection of Awkward and Yikes. –Jimmy Fallon

A strip club in New York is offering to give Tim Tebow his first lap dance for free. It’ll be the first time where the customer is the one who keeps yelling “No touching.” –Jimmy Fallon

A woman here in New York claims that her blind date stole her iPhone and her wallet. She was like, “I have to get that iPhone back — I mean, what if he calls”? –Jimmy Fallon

This week a man wearing a Batman costume was pulled over while driving a Lamborghini. I think the real story here is that a grown man who owns a Batman costume can actually afford a Lamborghini. –Jimmy Fallon

I spent my whole weekend filling out my brackets for “The Hunger Games.” –Jay Leno

The New York Police Department says Iran has conducted surveillance inside New York City. They say Iranian operatives are using special mobile surveillance units. I believe they’re called taxi cabs. –Jay Leno

This weekend 71-year-old former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. And I thought this was nice — they let him shoot the donor himself. –Jay Leno

Fox News sent Dick Cheney flowers. MSNBC sent chili cheese fries. –Jay Leno

This weekend 71-year-old former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. The heart is working so well that Cheney has already gone to Whoville and returned all their Christmas presents. –Conan O’Brien

Rick Santorum said you aren’t a real Republican until you’ve sworn at someone from The New York Times. Moments later a panicked Mitt Romney called the New York Times reception desk and said “Heck!” –Conan O’Brien

The Pope made a visit to Mexico. He took first place in the spring break Wet Pope Hat Contest. –Conan O’Brien

President Obama is getting tough on North Korea. This weekend President Obama warned Kim Jong Un that bad behavior will not be rewarded. Then Kim Jong Un asked, “So how do you explain a new season of ‘Jersey Shore.’” –Conan O’Brien

Tiger Woods did something unusual this weekend. He won a golf tournament. –Jimmy Kimmel

Tiger’s now a 4-1 favorite to win at The Masters. They say all he has to do is stay away from Ambien, Escalades, and hostesses at the Waffle House. –Jimmy Kimmel

Pope Benedict XVI spent the weekend in Mexico. He likes to spend spring break at Señor Frog’s. He’s been doing it since he was in college. –Jimmy Kimmel

The Pope wears the best hats. He gives Lady Gaga a run for her money. –Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday on CNN, White House adviser David Plouffe referred to the Republican presidential race as a “clown show.” That’s as rough as it gets on CNN. Romney, Santorum, Paul, and Gingrich all called the statement ridiculous and then piled into one tiny car and drove off. –Jimmy Fallon

Dick Cheney received a heart transplant this weekend after waiting for two years. He wasn’t waiting for a donor. It just took doctors two years to find Cheney’s current heart. –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday President Obama said that North Korea is in a “time warp” that has missed 50 years of progress. North Korea denied the accusation — in a strongly worded telegraph. –Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that Facebook, Google, and YouTube are the most popular websites in the U.S. — while the least popular website in the U.S. is Gingrich2012.org. –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are some jokes from the late night comedians over the years about sex and politics, which can be pretty much synonymous terms anyway:

“President Bush was asked by someone in the audience if he’d seen ‘Brokeback Mountain.’ The president said he hadn’t seen it, but he’d be happy to talk about ranching. Then he added, ‘Ranching still means gay sex, right?’” –Conan O’Brien

“Remember when Republicans, like Newt Gingrich and Bob Livingston, when they got in trouble it was for sex scandals? See Tom DeLay is in trouble for money. Or as Republicans would call it — this is a return to traditional values.” –Jay Leno

“California education officials said today that the state of California needs 52,000 more teachers. They say we are facing a huge teacher shortage. In fact, by the year 2007, they said many students will be forced to have sex with each other.” –Jay Leno

“Did you hear the video game industry has changed the ratings of the game Grand Theft Auto to an adult-only rating after pressure from media watch dog groups and politicians because the game had hidden sexual content? Politicians felt the sex would have a negative effect on the children. See that shows you how up tight we are in this country about sex. Apparently a game when you’re stealing cars and killing cops is okay — it’s the sex we’re worried about.” –Jay Leno

“Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton has called for an investigation of the video game Grand Theft Auto after finding hidden sex in the game. I don’t know, is Hillary the best one to go looking for hidden sex? If Hillary was any good at finding it, her husband wouldn’t have been impeached.” –Jay Leno

“There is a new book out about Hillary Clinton that claims Bill is still having affairs but Hillary continues to look the other way. The only problem is when Hillary does look the other way Bill’s having sex with a women over there too.” –Jay Leno

“The John Bolton nomination has cleared the committee. Larry Flynt has entered the fray. He said he has evidence Bolton bought tickets to a swingers club and forced his wife to have group sex. Today Ted Kennedy said he’s heard enough — he’s voting yes.” –Bill Maher

Sen. Hillary Clinton called for President Bush to begin pulling troops out of Iraq next year. And let me tell you something, when it comes to telling a president when to pull out, no one has more experience than Hillary Clinton.” –Jay Leno

“Jeff Gannon … He is a White House correspondent who has been lobbing softball questions at the president and his press secretary, turns out he is actually a paid escort for wealthy homosexuals. … He actually had two jobs — one obviously was sleazy and shameful and the other was a gay male prostitute. … I think I know what Bush meant now when he said he has a mandate.” –Bill Maher

“The government has announced that Medicare will now cover sexual performance drugs like Viagra. This is part of President Bush’s no erection left behind.” –Jay Leno

“Taking a page from their tsunami playbook, the White House announced today that former presidents Bush and Bill Clinton will head up the fundraising efforts for the hurricane relief. And you know, Bill Clinton is no stranger to this kind of thing. He was once visiting the French Quarter during a hurricane and got blown behind a dumpster.” –Bill Maher

“Today in Washington, Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger had lunch with Senator Ted Kennedy. I understand Gloria Allred is now representing the waitress.” —Jay Leno

“It’s Bring Your Daughter to Work Day. This tradition began about 25 years ago down in Washington, D.C. by a quick-thinking Ted Kennedy who was spotted leaving his office with an 18-year-old.” —David Letterman

“Bill Clinton’s book went on sale today at long last. Earlier today hundreds of people waited outside of Barnes and Noble in the pouring rain for a chance to meet Bill Clinton. When asked if she minded the rain, one woman said, ‘I’m meeting Bill Clinton. I just assumed my dress would get ruined.’” —Conan O’Brien

“Hillary’s got this huge book, it’s a memoir of her life and times at the White House. In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said ‘I could hardly breath, I was gulping for air.’ No, I’m sorry, that’s what Monica said.” —David Letterman

“Our old friend Monica Lewinksy is back in the news. She has been accepted to graduate school in London. She says she wants to be a psychologist. Yeah, now she says she wants to blow people’s minds.” –Bill Maher

“Bill Clinton’s new memoir has already had orders for 1.5 million copies. In fact, it’s already in its third printing. The first two were stained.” —David Letterman

“Did you see Rehnquist when he arrived? He was hunched over, wearing a black beret and a big oversized robe. In fact, Bill Clinton saw him from the back and said, ‘Monica?’” –Jay Leno, on seeing Chief Justice William Rehnquist at President Bush’s inauguration

“Bill Clinton went back into the hospital today so surgeons can clean up from his last operation — remove fluid build up. Now isn’t that what got him impeached last time?” –Jay Leno

“Not everyone is happy about the library. Some architectural critics say that the library look like a double-wide trailer. … In fact there is even a sign outside that says: ‘If the library is rocking don’t come a knocking.’” –Conan O’Brien, on the Clinton Presidential Library

“Former President Clinton is doing well and getting better everyday. In fact, yesterday they took him off his respirator and today they took him off his nurse.” —Conan O’Brien

“A new article in Vanity Fair says Bill Clinton is having trouble finishing his new book, entitled ‘My Life,’ in time to meet his deadline. It’s not too surprising, since you can only type so fast using one hand.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Monica Lewinsky told this month’s Cosmo magazine that if it weren’t for Bill Clinton, she would be a mom now, with two kids. Really? Not the way she was doing it.” —Jay Leno

Letterman “President Bush has authorized the drop of 15,000-pound bombs on Afghanistan. I believe that is the heaviest ordered drop by a president since … well, Monica.” —David Letterman

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Questions People Rarely Ask Car Salesmen

10.”How much for just the airbags?”

9.”May I see a picture of the navigation lady?”

8.”Which car goes best with a suspended license?”

7.”May I test drive naked?”

6.”Are you available to speak at ‘Career Day’?”

5.”May I return it next week after a state-wide crime spree?”

4.”What would Jesus drive?”

3.”May I watch while you undercoat my wife’s car?”

2.”Could my dog ride comfortably on the roof?”

1.”Will you hold me while we dicker?”

Top Ten Things The Secret Service Learned About Tonight’s Audience

10.This woman is here because she lost a bet

9.Just to be safe, this man always wears two pairs of pants

8.Likes to dress squirrels as historical figures

7.AOL chat room nickname: RealBradPitt

6.America Express Card Number: 3714 4963 5398 4311, Expiration date 12/14, Security code 955

5.Great-granddaughter of Madonna

4.Known guinea pig smuggler

3.Middle name: Veronica

2.Briefly married to Newt Gingrich

1.Rush Limbaugh called this guy a slut

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel and Craig Ferguson:

According to a new book, President Obama blames Fox News for his political problems and losing voters. How could Fox News lose voters? If you’re watching Fox News, you’re probably not voting for him in the first place. –Jay Leno

Pope Benedict will visit Mexico this weekend. Historians say he will be the first Pope ever to attend spring break. –Jay Leno

The State Department is warning spring breakers about the dangers of violence from Mexican drug gangs. So, to avoid the threat, stay out of L.A. –Jay Leno

Next month the movie “Titanic” will be re-released in 3-D. In this version, the captain doesn’t see the iceberg coming because he’s not wearing the special glasses. –Jay Leno

Disastrous news for Walt Disney. They’ve announced they’ve lost $200 million on the movie “John Carter.” This doesn’t bode well for Disney’s upcoming $250 million epic, “Jimmy Carter.” –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday Vice President Joe Biden said the killing of Osama bin Laden was the most audacious plan in the last 500 years. Biden then unveiled his new line of steak knives and said, “Until now!” –Conan O’Brien

Since Saturday, Apple has sold 3 million iPads. So to the Chinese workers who made them — juice boxes all around. Celebrate, kids. Be happy. –Conan O’Brien

It’s the first day of spring. That means this weekend I’ll take down my Christmas lights. –David Letterman

Big news in the NFL. Peyton Manning is leaving Indianapolis and going to Denver. I knew it. He said, “Colts are horses. Who else has got a horse? Denver Broncos.” That’s the way these things work. –David Letterman

Rick Santorum said he’s not worried about unemployment. Well, he will be in November. –David Letterman

When I heard the Republicans were in President Obama’s home state, I said, “They’re holding a primary in Kenya?” – Craig Ferguson

Some top Republicans are urging Newt Gingrich to leave the race, but he says he’s sticking around. If they could get him to marry the race, he would probably leave it eventually. –Jimmy Kimmel

This Wednesday Mitt Romney goes one-on-one in a debate against the one man who stands in the way of his nomination: Mitt Romney. –Jimmy Kimmel

Massachusetts moderate squares off with die-hard conservative Romney on the issues. Man versus machine. Romney versus Romney. –Jimmy Kimmel

Last week a tourist in Puerto Rico took a picture of Rick Santorum shirtless on the beach. I don’t want to say he looked chubby, but his new Secret Service code name is “Newt Gingrich.” –Jimmy Fallon

That’s right — Rick Santorum was seen lying on the beach without his shirt on. He would have worn sunscreen, but he’s not really into protection. –Jimmy Fallon

Disney will lose $200 million on its new movie, “John Carter,” about a Civil War soldier on Mars. Disney could tell they were going to lose lots of money when they realized they made a movie about a Civil War soldier on Mars. –Jimmy Fallon

“The Hunger Games” is expected to make $130 million at the box office this weekend. Experts say the movie has that one quality you look for in a film — it’s not about a Civil War soldier on Mars. –Jimmy Fallon

Peyton Manning has signed a $96 million deal to play for the Denver Broncos. How ironic is that? Tim Tebow’s prayers to help the Broncos win are finally being answered. –Jay Leno

The other big football story is that Tim Tebow has been traded to the New York Jets. Can you imagine Tim Tebow in New York City? Talk about throwing a Christian to the lions. –Jay Leno

The man who created the Red Bull energy drink has died at the age of 89. Actually, he died five years ago. He was just so wired, nobody could tell. –Jay Leno

Red Bull’s creator is survived by a very jumpy wife and a bunch of really jittery kids. –Jay Leno

Yesterday the prime minister of Ireland made President Obama an honorary Irishman. As a result, President Obama awoke this morning with a hangover and a job at the fire department. –Conan O’Brien

Today is Ann and Mitt Romney’s 43rd wedding anniversary. This means that 43 years ago Mitt proposed to his wife and due to a weak field of candidates, she said yes. –Conan O’Brien

Looks like Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow has been traded to the Jets. When told he was going to be spending the rest of his career in New Jersey, Tebow said, “There is no God.” –Conan O’Brien

This weekend President Obama will visit the border that separates North and South Korea. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich will visit the border that separates the KFC from the Taco Bell. –Jimmy Fallon

It looks like Tim Tebow might be traded to the New York Jets — but apparently some Jets players are not happy about it. They’re called wide receivers. –Jimmy Fallon

There are rumors that Kim Kardashian wants to adopt a child. You can tell orphans are nervous — even Oliver Twist is like, “You know what — I’m good on soup. Sorry for complaining.” –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama is calling on Iran to give its citizens better access to the Internet. Right now they only have one social networking site: “Cover-Your-Face Book.” –Jimmy Fallon

The Denver Broncos have signed Peyton Manning as their new quarterback. That means Tim Tebow may be traded. There’s no telling where he’ll end up — you know, like one of his passes. –Jay Leno

Mitt Romney is so rich, he taught his dog to roll over . . . an IRA. –Jay Leno

The new iPad went on sale this week. The picture’s so fantastic, you can see with amazing clarity just how obsolete the iPad you got for Christmas is. –Jay Leno

This week the makers of Camel cigarettes said 10 percent of its workers would be eliminated by 2014 — especially if they keep smoking Camels. –Jay Leno

A photo of a shirtless Rick Santorum lounging in a pool is circulating on the Internet. Ironically, the photo has proven to be a very effective form of birth control. –Conan O’Brien

Over the weekend, a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters tried to reoccupy a New York park. You can tell the movement has been hurting for funds. This time they called themselves “Occupy Wall Street brought to you by Sony Pictures ‘21 Jump Street.’” –Conan O’Brien

A Massachusetts medical clinic is trying to entice men to get a vasectomy by offering a free pizza. The disturbing part is for both the pizza and the vasectomy, they use the same rolling wheel knife. –Conan O’Brien

Peyton Manning is signing with the Denver Broncos. Glad to see something good finally happen to somebody in that family. –David Letterman

Peyton Manning will be the quarterback for the Denver Broncos, replacing Tim Tebow, their current quarterback. This answers the question, “What would Jesus do?” Well, he’d sign Peyton Manning. –David Letterman

Rick Santorum wants to crack down on pornography. Most political analysts say it could hurt him with the “every single man in America” vote. –Jimmy Kimmel

Santorum said when he’s in the White House he’ll tell his attorney general to prosecute people who distribute any content that is deemed obscene. Will he appoint a team to watch porn all day? If so, he could solve the unemployment crisis. –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump’s sons shot and killed endangered animals on a safari. They got an elephant, a crocodile, and that thing on their dad’s head. –Jimmy Fallon

Peyton Manning has agreed to join the Denver Broncos, which means Denver will trade Tim Tebow after just one year as a starter. Even Kim Kardashian was like, “Come on, who dumps a pro athlete that quickly?” –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Other Phrases Never Before Said By Mitt Romney

10.”Where my pimps at?”

9.”Ah, that’s enough hair gel”

8.”This brisket is so good I could plotz”

7.”Man, ‘The Late Show’ is hilarious tonight”

6.”Let’s scour Craigslist for some free couches”

5.”I try to eat some cold cereal at the end of the day, and a full tummy, and a long day puts me to bed” (Sorry, I’m being told Mitt has said this)

4.”We can’t lay people off, it’s Christmas!”

3.”I think the dog would be more comfortable inside the car”

2.”Only if you insist, I’ll sing”

1.”Tell the chef not to bother warming my nuts”

Top Ten Signs You’re A Terrible Singer

10.Your CD is in a bin labeled, “Crap for a Quarter”

9.You sing like the Mets play baseball

8.Amnesty International is begging you to stop

7.People who say that “You’ve got great pipes” are referring to your actual plumbing

6.Verse, chorus, wet cough, verse, chorus, hacking wet cough

5.A church choir tries to trade you to another church choir

4.Your album warning label reads: “Caution: Do Not Play”

3.Your neighbors always ask if you’ve been trying to breed cats

2.You’re this guy (Mitt Romney singing)

1.Instead of iTunes, you’re on iSuck

Top Ten Thoughts Going Through Will Ferrell’s Mind Just Before Appearing On The Late Show

10.”Ahhh, the Vicodin is kicking in”

9.”Do I look too handsome?”

8.”That pre-show jambalaya was a bad idea”

7.”Will this help me get an appearance on Leno?”

6.”Gotta practice: 3, 2, 1, fake smile”

5.”Don’t be obvious plugging the film, ‘Casa De Mi Padre’ in theaters March 16th”

4.”Ok, 3, 2, 1, fake laugh”

3.”Lady…I’m your knight in shining armor, and I love you”

2.”God, look at Dave — so sexy — I just want to run my hands along his body — Will, focus!”

1.”Did I remember to wear pants?”

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel:

Newt Gingrich has promised to cut the price of gas to $2.50 a gallon. It’s not catching on with voters. How bad a candidate are you that people are willing to pay higher gas prices just to keep you out of office? –Jay Leno

Not a good week for President Obama either. His approval rating has dropped 9 percent in the last month to an all-time low of 41 percent. In fact, if this keeps up, the White House said they may have to fish out bin Laden and shoot him all over again. –Jay Leno

A new CBS poll found that 80 percent of Americans say they are not better off than they were four years ago. The other 20 percent own gas stations. –Jay Leno

A Harvard study says that one out of 10 deaths are caused by red meat. You know what that really means? Nine of those 10 people were killed by vegetables. –Jay Leno

A new study says if you eat meat — like hamburgers and hot dogs — it will kill you. So next time you go to a ballpark, do yourself a favor and try the trout. You can’t beat ballpark trout. –David Letterman

How about those Republican presidential candidates. Newt Gingrich is behind in delegates. But he’s leading in chins. –David Letterman

St. Patrick’s Day — what better way to honor Ireland’s greatest saint than to sit on a curb wearing a plastic derby and vomiting in the street. –David Letterman

Beautiful day in New York City. It was 75 and cloudy. It was so nice today that the carjackers were coming in through the sunroof. –David Letterman

Pies were invented 12,000 years ago by the Egyptians. It was an easy way to preserve food that would be carried over long distances. They were like ancient Slim Jims. –Craig Ferguson

Do we have any college basketball fans here tonight? The play-in round of March Madness finished up tonight. Tomorrow the tournament gets started for real with 36 games in four days, followed by St. Patrick’s Day. What they’re calling madness in reality might just be alcohol poisoning. –Jimmy Kimmel

The NCAA college basketball tournament is one of the biggest events in sports. CBS will take in more than $600 million of ad revenue over three weeks. Of that, the players receive — what’s 0 percent of $600 million? –Jimmy Kimmel

Rick Santorum has been on a roll lately. CNN came up with a clever word for this — Santorumentum. Are they serious? It sounds like something you put under your nose or the name of a drug. –Jimmy Kimmel

Bothered by irregularity? Constipation? Santorumentum — the twice-a-day medication, not covered by Obamacare. Consult Jesus before taking any medication. –Jimmy Kimmel

Drug users in San Francisco have now formed a drug user’s union. So look for the union label when you’re buying crack. –Jay Leno

Actually, the drug users are really different now that they’ve formed a union. Now one guy smokes crack and four other guys stand around watching. –Jay Leno

Police across the country say there’s been a spike in criminals stealing Tide laundry detergent. So I guess all those commercials that say it cleans blood stains are really paying off. –Jay Leno

If you steal Tide laundry detergent, would that be considered a white-collar crime? –Jay Leno

How about the weather — 72 degrees outside. I’ll tell you know why it’s so warm. Remember Sunday? We turned our thermometers ahead. –David Letterman

You all know Newt Gingrich. Newt is short for Newton. People say if that’s the case, what is Mitt short for? It’s short for “Mittens.” –David Letterman

This was the day in 1781 when we discovered the planet Uranus. Sir William Herschel first observed it. I don’t think Uranus would be great to visit. It shines brightly, but it’s ice cold, pale white, and very distant. Like Gwyneth Paltrow. –Craig Ferguson

The planet furthest away from the sun used to be Pluto. But apparently it wasn’t good enough. In 2006, Pluto was downgraded. It’s now a dwarf planet, which I think is insensitive. “Little People Planet” would be fine. –Craig Ferguson

When I found out Pluto wasn’t a planet, I had to relearn everything I knew about Pluto. Luckily, the only thing I knew about Pluto was that it was a planet. –Craig Ferguson

Asteroids are dull pieces of rock. There are tons of them, and they’re in all shapes and sizes. That’s why scientists refer to them as Kardashians of the solar system. –Craig Ferguson

Tonight is night one of the NCAA basketball tournament. March Madness officially begins tonight. Don’t forget to set your wallet back 20 bucks. –Jimmy Kimmel

Like most places of business, we have an office pool here at the show. We have an office pool where we bet who will win the office pool. –Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama was at one of the games at Dayton, Ohio, tonight. He brought British Prime Minister David Cameron with him. It’s part of a cultural exchange program. They go to a basketball game here, and then in July the prime minister has invited Obama to England to take part in a soccer riot. –Jimmy Kimmel

They say gasoline could be $6 a gallon. But the good news is the White House says President Obama is aware of the problem, and will continue to talk about it between fundraisers. –Jay Leno

President Obama today released his NCAA bracket. He is a huge basketball fan. But privately, White House aides are worried that if he spends so much time on this, it could affect his golf game. –Jay Leno

Happy birthday to Mitt Romney, he’s 65 years old. At his party, he didn’t blow out the candles. He gave a speech and the candles just flickered and died. –Jay Leno

Romney’s birthday is not a big deal here. But in the Cayman Islands, it’s a national holiday. –Jay Leno

How about that Rush Limbaugh? It was nice for me to see somebody else apologizing for something for a change. –David Letterman

Don’t kid yourself, Rush is in a lot of trouble. He’s down to two national sponsors. You know what they are? One is Crisco, and the other is Hostess Twinkies. –David Letterman

With daylight-saving time, we lose an hour of our lives. It’s like a Kardashian marriage. –David Letterman

Not only do I lose the hour when you monkey with the clock, I lose another hour trying to find the nail to put it back on the wall. –David Letterman

You know when it comes to organic food, the USDA is very tough. You can’t have anything that ends in “eetos.”

In the past I’ve been hard on the vegans. I’ve called them Prius-driving fascists, but now I am one of them. I have been turned to the dark side. –Craig Ferguson

I actually tried to grow my own food but I can’t find any Twinkie seeds. –Craig Ferguson

For me, whatever time we save for daylight-saving time is offset by the 45 minutes it takes me to figure out how to reset the clock on the microwave. –Jimmy Kimmel

I don’t condone jumping ahead in time in any form, unless it involves a DeLorean, stolen plutonium, and a soundtrack by Huey Lewis. –Jimmy Kimmel

Larry King announced he’ll be hosting a new daily talk show online. Really, the only place Larry should be online is for the early bird special at Golden Corral. –Jimmy Kimmel

The format of the show will be a little bit different from his TV show. The plan is to make it an hour of Larry staring into a webcam wondering if it’s turned on and if anyone can hear him. –Jimmy Kimmel

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Frequently Asked Questions About Leap Year

10.”Will this impact the length of my parole?”

9.”When did we switch to the metric system?”

8.”Should I go to my leap year bunker?”

7.”Will this affect the expiration date on my cottage cheese?”

6.”Is it safe to stare at the sun?”

5.”Will McDonald’s be offering a ‘Leapy Meal’? (If not, they’re idiots)”

4.”Why does it always feel like you’ve just finished your leap year thank-you notes and, bam, another leap year is here?”

3.”Does working on a leap day count as overtime?”

2.”Do I need to set my clock ahead one year?”

1.”When is the 4th of July?”

Top Ten Other Things Mitt Romney Says He Likes About Michigan’s Trees

10.”I seem less wooden standing next to one”

9.”In a pinch, sap makes a great hair gel”

8.”They’re also just the right width”

7.”It’s fun hiring illegal immigrants to rake up their leaves”

6.”They’re not gay, like palm trees”

5.”They don’t shed their foliage as quickly as those slutty Rhode Island trees”

4.”They look great next to my wife’s Cadillacs”

3.”Trees don’t whine when strapped to your car roof”

2.”They’re not afraid to stand up to the auto industry”

1.”Like me, they lean whichever way the wind blows”

Top Ten Things You Shouldn’t Say In An Academy Awards Acceptance Speech

10.”This is for you, Kim Jong-Il”

9.”I’ve had sex with every woman in this year’s dead actor montage”

8.”Take that, 99-percenters!”

7.”I’d like to take this opportunity to endorse the next President of the United States, Rick Santorum”

6.”I owe it all to my creepy religious cult”

5.”My wife drives a couple of Cadillacs”

4.”Now I’d like to say a few words about Cool Ranch Doritos”

3.”I share this award with my drug-mule, Hector”

2.”I’d like to thank my sham wife for not revealing I’m gay”

1.”I’ll be in the men’s room, ‘polishing my statuette’”

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, David Letterman and Craig Ferguson:

“Rick Santorum is saying the kids that go to college are snobs. Rick Santorum has a new program for children. It’s called Every Child Left Behind.” –David Letterman

“Ron Paul looks like the guy you see in the horse-racing movies on the back stretch with a stopwatch.” –David Letterman

“Today is the 100th anniversary of the Oreo cookie. For New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, it’s a holy day.” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney accused the other GOP candidates of pandering to voters to get support. Romney was like, ‘I would never pander to voters. I mean, unless you guys want me to.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Today marks the 158th anniversary of the Republican Party — while tomorrow marks the 158th Republican debate.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Tomorrow is leap day. This is something that only happens once every four years. Or as Newt Gingrich calls that, a sit-up.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney has accused Rick Santorum of saying outrageous things just so Santorum can appeal to the most extreme voters. Santorum denied this and said, ‘That’s exactly the kind of misrepresentation I’d expect from gay abortion doctor Mitt Romney.’” –Conan O’Brien

“The Romney campaign says they can’t figure out why the people of Michigan aren’t embracing their native son. Hmmm, let’s see. Could it be this editorial he wrote four years ago: ‘Let Detroit go bankrupt’?” –Craig Ferguson

“That shows Romney had the vision to put his foot in his mouth years before his competitors.” –Craig Ferguson

“It’s nothing compared to the piece Romney wrote last week for The Arizona Republic: ‘Accept your new Mexican overlords.’” –Craig Ferguson

“Rick Santorum has been surging in the polls lately. Apparently voters are responding to his message of no birth control and public schools.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Kid Rock gave Mitt Romney an endorsement. He also endorsed porn, Jack Daniels, and hepatitis C.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s leap day tomorrow. This is God’s way of punishing us by making the election year even longer.” –Jay Leno

“Kid Rock has formally endorsed Mitt Romney. Doesn’t Kid Rock look like the guy that Mitt Romney’s neighborhood watch group would call the cops on?” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum now says he’s against separation of church and state. But he’s not against separation of sweaters and sleeves.” –David Letterman

“A crazy billionaire is going to give Newt Gingrich $100 million. Gingrich is so excited. He said, ‘Wow, now I can come pretty close to settling up my bill at Tiffany’s.’” –David Letterman

“As of today, Rick Santorum will be assigned Secret Service agents. This is the first time Santorum has agreed to use any kind of protection.” –Conan O’Brien

“The house in Pakistan where Osama bin Laden was killed has been demolished. But not before each member of SEAL Team 6 was allowed to bring one date there.” –Conan O’Brien

“Due to the rising price of oil and gas, the Obama administration announced today they are considering dipping into our national strategic re-election reserves. I mean, I’m sorry — strategic oil reserves.” –Jay Leno

“Now Romney and Santorum are battling over who’s more conservative. I think Santorum… he’s more conservative. This guy is so conservative, as a kid, he refused to play with an erector set.” –Jay Leno

“Santorum is so conservative he won’t go to a junkyard out of fear that he might see another man’s junk. That’s how bad.” –Jay Leno

“He won’t even blow his own soup.” –Jay Leno

“He thinks a dirty Sanchez is a quarterback for the New York Jets.” –Jay Leno

Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won in Arizona and Michigan. Romney is so excited, he almost loosened his tie. –Jay Leno

Not a good day for Rick Santorum. I haven’t seen him this depressed since they invented the birth control pill. –Jay Leno

I think Rick Santorum learned something yesterday. He learned that the Electoral College is not for everyone. –Jay Leno

It’s being reported that Snooki is pregnant. When Rick Santorum heard the news, he immediately came out in favor of birth control. –Conan O’Brien

Snooki is three months pregnant. Doctors say the young life form swimming in fluids of only minor brain development is going to have a very healthy baby. –Conan O’Brien

Scientists are looking into the world’s oldest murder case — a man who was murdered 5,000 years ago. Larry King immediately came forward with an alibi. –Conan O’Brien

Are you excited about leap day? I mean, my God, who doesn’t want an extra day of February? –David Letterman

They went crazy celebrating. A friend of mine who was in campaign headquarters said that after he won and the lights were turned off and people were going home, Romney took off his jacket and chugged a glass of tap water. –David Letterman

Rick Santorum thinks that global warming, climate change, is a hoax. Let me ask you something, Rick. If you think global warming and climate change is a hoax, how do you explain those sleeveless sweaters? –David Letterman

It is leap day. There are a lot of strange traditions. In Ireland and Norway, women are supposed to ask men to marry them and in Denmark if, the man refuses he must give the woman 12 pairs of his gloves. Come on, Danish ladies! If a man owns 12 pairs of gloves, he is probably not the marrying kind. At least not marrying a woman kind. –Craig Ferguson

Why do we need a leap day every four years? Because the earth orbits the sun every 365 days and six hours. In an astronomical sense, it is a tiny amount of time. Six hours. Scientists refer to it as a Kardashian . –Craig Ferguson

I learned something. Julius Caesar came up with leap day like 2,000 years ago. Julius Caesar invented leap day. And salad, I think. -Jimmy Kimmel

According to multiple news sources, Snooki from “Jersey Shore” is pregnant. Which is unusual. They don’t usually mate in captivity. -Jimmy Kimmel

CNN asked Snooki’s publicist to confirm or deny the rumors. They got no comment. Remember when CNN talked about elections and hurricanes? -Jimmy Kimmel

In yesterday’s Michigan primary, Newt Gingrich actually came in fourth place. Or as the ice cream in his freezer put it, it’s gonna be a long night. -Jimmy Fallon

Newt Gingrich said that Mitt Romney is so closed-minded that he would have fired Christopher Columbus. Romney denied it, saying, “Are you kidding me? A man with three boats, that’s my kind of guy.” -Jimmy Fallon

It’s leap day tomorrow. This is God’s way of punishing us by making the election year even longer. –Jay Leno

The new cast of “Dancing With the Stars” has been revealed. They’re leaving one spot open for whoever loses on Super Tuesday next week. –Jay Leno

Some sad news. Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is reportedly in good condition after major surgery. –Jay Leno

It was revealed that Lady Gaga has a role in the movie “Men in Black 3.” She’s a creepy alien who can only breathe through her tentacles. I don’t know what she is playing in the movie. –Craig Ferguson

Bill Nye the Science Guy is suing his ex-girlfriend for more than $50,000 in legal bills. Legal experts were shocked — they were like, “Bill Nye the Science Guy had a girlfriend?” -Jimmy Fallon

There was apparently an electrical fire today at Fenway Park, home of the Boston Red Sox. It was weird — instead of calling 911, Boston fans just heckled the fire until it left. –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Other Words To Describe Newt Gingrich

10.Pudgy

9.Exercise-resistant

8.Newtiful

7.Dumplingesque

6.Divorce-y

5.Biscuit-hued

4.Jowl-tastic

3.Ewwwwwww

2.Not-single-but-looking-to-mingle

1.Hump

Top Ten Least Successful Meat Innovations

10.The iPork

9.Three-Holed Prosciutto

8.Honey-Baked Ham Radio

7.Tassled Meatloaf

6.Baloomba, The Robotic Vacuum Cleaning Bologna

5.Spam-Blocking Spam

4.Bacon Nasal Spray

3.Veal-Flavored Mutton

2.Self-Cleaning Meatballs

1.Anti-Gravity Wiener

Top Ten Other Movies About Mitt Romney

10.”Dial ‘M’ For Mitt”

9.”Mitty Mitty Bang Bang”

8.”The Mittrix”

7.”Butch Romney And The Sundance Mitt”

6.”Mittion: Impossible”

5.”When Harry Mitt Romney”

4.”Terms of Endearmitt”

3.”Mr. Romney Doesn’t Go To Washington”

2.”Dog On A Hot Car Roof”

1.”They’re Just Not That Into You”

Top Ten Memorable Presidential Moments

10.The stress of his job finally gets to President Obama

9.Abraham Lincoln disciplines an insubordinate general

8.George W. Bush sets record for largest beard of bees

7.President Ford collides with a bird

6.Richard Nixon performs ventriloquism

5.Having quit smoking, President Obama addresses the nation

4.The Mount Rushmore mishap of 2009

3.President Carter gives an Oval Office address on his birthday

2.George H.W. Bush attends a Cee-Lo concert

1.George W. Bush celebrates Hanukkah