“President Obama is going on ‘The View’ to talk about the economy. Later on, he’ll go to ‘General Hospital’ to explain to doctors how the new healthcare system works.” –Jay Leno

“With Arizona’s new immigration law getting ready to kick in, there’s a new slogan: ‘What happens in Arizona stays in Mexico.’” –Jay Leno

“Congress’ approval rating has hit an all-time low of 11 percent. To give you an idea of how bad that is, the BP oil spill is at 12 percent.” –Jay Leno

“Continental announced a new feature called ’self boarding.’ There’s no ticket agent taking your boarding pass anymore, and you scan it yourself as you board the plane. It’s part of Continental’s ‘Terrorists Fly Hassel-free’ program.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama is in town for an appearance on ‘The View.’ He probably won’t get a word in edgewise, but he said he’s used to it. He lives with his mother-in-law.” –David Letterman

“A guy in New York robbed a bank wearing clown pants, a wig, and a bra. I thought to myself, This could be a thousand guys living in the Village.” –David Letterman

“Elmhurst, Ind. wants to make it illegal to roll your eyes in public. But what if Rod Blagojevich comes to town and declares his innocence?” –David Letterman

“A federal judge has blocked Arizona’s immigration law. Immigrants have been celebrating and throwing confetti. The governor of Arizona said, ‘Sure, now they’re showing us their papers.’” –Craig Ferguson

“BP CEO Tony Hayward complained that he was unfairly ‘demonized’ in the U.S. over his handling of the Gulf oil spill. In response, demons complained that they were unfairly compared to BP CEO Tony Hayward.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is lashing out at Paul the Octopus, who predicted winners in the World Cup. Ahmadinejad said the octopus represents what’s wrong with the West. I guess he’s never seen ‘Jersey Shore.’” –Jimmy Kimmel

“He said Paul the Octopus is a symbol of decadence and decay in the Western world. You have to lose some dictator credibility when you pick a fight with an octopus.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama’s new message to the American people is ‘things could be a lot worse.’ We’ve gone from ‘change you can believe in’ to ‘things could be a lot worse.’ The sequel is never as good as the original.” –Jay Leno

“BP announced that as a result of their own internal investigation, it has cleared itself of all blame in the Gulf oil spill. In a related story, Congressman Charlie Rangel has announced that he will be investigating himself and will find himself completely innocent.” –Jay Leno

“An American named Bob Dudley is BP’s new CEO. Nice to see an American taking a job from a foreigner for once.” –Jay Leno

“New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said this week that ‘Jersey Shore’ is giving New Jersey a bad name. As opposed to the good, clean, inspirational shows about New Jersey, like ‘The Sopranos.’” –Jay Leno

“Paris Hilton is in hot water for a picture in which she looks like she’s doing a Nazi salute. Let’s be honest, Paris Hilton has no idea what a Nazi salute is. She probably thinks Nazi is a game you play with dice.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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“The countdown is now under way for what a lot of people are calling, the wedding of the year — on July 31 Chelsea Clinton is getting married. Bill and Hillary are thrilled; they say they don’t care who the groom is as long as it’s not Levi Johnston.” –Jay Leno

“According to a study by the Brookings institution, Washington D.C. has the highest concentration of smart people in the United States. Lets see; we have a mess in the Gulf, we have a dysfunctional Homeland Security, and we are $13 trillion in debt. Imagine how bad it would be if these people weren’t geniuses.” –Jay Leno

“AT&T announced today that they are working on a new app for the iPhone. This one will allow you to make calls.” –Jay Leno

“The Obamas invited Broadway stars to perform at the White House. Unfortunately, things got a little awkward when Barack told one lady how great she was in ‘Wicked,’ then realized it was just Nancy Pelosi.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Bristol Palin wants Levi Johnston to wear a camouflage vest at their wedding next month. When she heard that, Sarah Palin was like, ‘That’s fine, I wasn’t planning on aiming that high anyway.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“It’s so hot in New York City that conservatives have started the ‘Iced Tea Party.’” –David Letterman

“Apparently BP’s containment cap is leaking. When asked if the rumors are true, a BP spokesman said, ‘Aren’t there any more Mel Gibson tapes?’” –Craig Ferguson

“Dick Cheney is recovering from heart surgery in the hospital. I understand Fox sent flowers, and MSNBC sent a large pepperoni pizza with extra cheese.” –Jay Leno

“All of Mel Gibson’s troubles could have been avoided if he’d just made those calls with the iPhone 4. None of them would have gone through.” –Jay Leno

“Rumors are that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are going to film a reality show. Sarah Palin says she can’t wait to start shooting, but that’s totally unrelated.” –Craig Ferguson

“Today is a day of cautious optimism. The BP well has been capped and Lindsay Lohan is in rehab, but we’re not sure how long either one is going to hold.” –Jay Leno

“For the first time since April, oil has stopped gushing into the Gulf of Mexico. I’m not sure what engineers they used to fix it but I think we can rule out the guys who created the new iPhone 4.” –Jay Leno

“Apple will now offer a free iPhone case for all iPhone users. It’s not going to help reception, but it protects the iPhone after you throw it against the wall.” –Jay Leno

“Experts are now saying that these thousands of accidents caused by Toyotas were really driver error. The driver error was buying a Toyota.” –Jay Leno

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“You people are so lucky you live in California. This heat wave back east is just unbelievable. … It was so hot in Washington, Nancy Pelosi skipped the Botox, had her face injected with frozen yogurt.” –Jay Leno

“Vice President Joe Biden made a surprise visit to Iraq on July 4. It was a surprise because Biden thought he was going to Des Moines for a fund-raiser.” –Jay Leno

“While Vice President Biden was away, Republican Chairman Michael Steele was forced to take over the job of saying embarrassing things you have to apologize for later.” –Jay Leno

“You hear about this? Michael Steele said that — well, he’s in trouble, actually — for saying the war in Afghanistan was Obama’s war, and it was unwinnable. In fact, Steele felt so sorry for it, he said today he went to his favorite bondage nightclub, demanded to be spanked.” –Jay Leno

“Back in 1776, Americans were fighting to escape British rule, these days we’re fighting to escape British oil.” –Jay Leno

“They say traces of BP’s oil has started turning up in disturbing places, like congressmen’s pockets.” –Jay Leno

“Iran has banned the mullet. Today, the state of Kentucky broke off all diplomatic relations with Iran.” –Jay Leno

“Sunday is July 4, when America combines our two favorite pastimes: alcohol and explosives.” –David Letterman

“Ladies and gentlemen, news from the world of broadcasting. Larry King has announced his retirement. He says he wants to spend more time with his wives.” –David Letterman

“But, seriously, Larry has really been trying to slow down, of course, since his recent death.” –David Letterman

“Here’s how savvy the Russian spies are and were — they knew four years ago that Ricky Martin was gay.” –David Letterman

“They’re having the confirmation hearings down in Washington, D.C., with Elena Kagan. And so far, the woman has offered very few opinions. I thought to myself, well, my God — how do you find a woman like that?” –David Letterman

“BP executives are saying that Hurricane Alex has rendered their clean-up efforts completely useless. In other words, nothing has changed.” –Craig Ferguson

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“General McChrystal was relieved of his duties because of derogatory comments he made about President Obama and other White House staffers. In fact, when he heard that, Joe Biden was shocked and said, ‘What? You can get fired for saying something stupid? What? When’d they start that? Is that new?’” –Jay Leno

“So, the bad news for McChrystal is he got fired for insulting the President. But the good news is, Fox said, ‘We’ll hire him.’” –Jay Leno

“Actually, McChrystal now saying it was all a misunderstanding. He said he did make the comments in Rolling Stone but they forgot to add the ‘LOL.’” –Jay Leno

“Today, President Obama fired General Stanley McChrystal, saying McChrystal showed poor judgment in his Rolling Stone interview. It turns out when it comes to criticizing the White House, the general’s policy is ‘just ask, and I’ll tell.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“On the ‘Today’ show this morning, BP executive Bob Dudley said that CEO Tony Hayward is committed to BP, and BP is committed to Tony Hayward. Oh, good. Because our number one concern here is, how are you guys doing?” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama is being criticized now. Here’s the problem. The British Petroleum guy, Tony Hayward, was on his yacht recently. Everybody thought, whoa, this idiot. I mean, the Gulf of Mexico is turning to asphalt and the British Petroleum guy is relaxing on his yacht. When he heard about that, President Obama was so angry, he missed a putt.” –David Letterman

“Due to an explosive interview in Rolling Stone magazine, our top commander in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal, has been ordered home to explain why he criticized the president, made fun of Joe Biden, and called the White House staff a bunch of clowns. He should be called home. That’s not the general’s job. That is my job.” –Jay Leno

“It’s two days since Father’s Day, so John Edwards, you can come out now! It’s safe!” –Jay Leno

“Larry King’s oil spill telethon last night raised $1.8 million. Usually, to get that much money from Larry King, you have to divorce him.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Researchers found that most parents don’t know if their preschool-aged child is overweight or obese. I think the real news here is that those are the only two options.” –Jimmy Fallon

“People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt.” –David Letterman

“In his defense, Tony twittered that the oil spill was still his top priority. And I think you know that a guy really cares when he tweets from his yacht.” –David Letterman

“Tony Hayward on a yacht. Where are the Somali pirates when you need them?” –Jay Leno

“Because of the success of ‘Toy Story 3,’ Pixar is now rushing ahead with its plans to do a sequel to one of its most popular movies, presented by BP. It’s BP presents ‘Try Finding Nemo Now.’” –Jay Leno

“While the whole oil mess has been going on, President Obama spent the weekend playing golf with Vice President Biden. Biden’s handicap is 16 and Obama’s handicap is Biden.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama also went to the White Sox-Nationals game this weekend and actually sang ‘Take Me Out to the Ball Game.’ However, critics were quick to point out that while his singing sounded good, it seemed like he really didn’t say anything.” –Jimmy Fallon

“It’s rumored that President Obama’s chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, will leave the White House at the end of the year. He says the work is important to him, but he wants to spend more time screaming at his family.” –Jimmy Fallon

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“Last night, President Barack Obama spoke from the Oval Office about his plan to clean up the oil spill. Did you folks get a chance to see it? Yeah. Well, I’m glad that problem’s behind us.” –David Letterman

“President Obama made a lot of promises that he can’t possibly keep. I mean, it’s like he’s campaigning again, really.” –David Letterman

“He assured the nation that the gulf will be cleaned up and restored to even greater beauty and prosperity. Well, you know what that means. He’s started drinking. That’s the only possible explanation.” –David Letterman

“And then today, the president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the gulf. And I’m thinking, good luck. They can’t even clean up their gas station restrooms.” –David Letterman”By this point, it’s not even an ‘oil spill’ anymore. Spill is a little accident that can easily be cleaned up. Calling this a ’spill’ is like calling World War II a ‘tiff.’” –Craig Ferguson

“A new poll found that Hillary Clinton is now more popular than President Obama. Hillary was like, ‘Look, I don’t pay attention to the silly polls like that — what were the numbers exactly?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“That’s right, Hillary is more popular than Barack. They’re separated by about 10 points, or roughly one billion gallons of crude oil.” –Jimmy Fallon

“You guys, ‘Top Chef D.C.’ premieres tonight on Bravo. I love that show. But since it’s in D.C., the contestants don’t actually cook; they just talk about what they’re going to cook in the future.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama told the residents of the Florida coastal area that he is with them for the long haul, or at least until 2012.” –Jay Leno

“Well, today, President Obama met with that Tony Hayward guy and a couple of other BP executives. The meeting only lasted about 20 minutes, or, in BP terms, 10,000 barrels of oil.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama also ordered a lemon-lime snow cone on the beach. A little awkward. Obama was like, ‘Forget the oil spill for a minute. Can we figure out how to fix the leaks in the bottom of these paper cone things?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Speaking of the oil spill, yesterday, BP ordered 32 oil-separating machines designed by Kevin Costner. Costner said, all along, a voice kept telling him, ‘If you build it and there’s a huge oil spill and the oil company and government have absolutely no idea whatsoever how to clean it up, they will come.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Well, President Obama said today he’s going to use the gulf disaster to immediately push a new energy bill through Congress. I got an idea. How about first using the gulf disaster to fix the gulf disaster?” –Jay Leno

“Well, during the testimony, the president of BP said the underwater cleanup is pretty effective. And when he was done, Congress gave him a standing ovation. Well, sure, they’ve never seen anybody who could lie better than they can.” –Jay Leno

“You know something, if the oil industry could suck up oil the way they suck up to Congress, the gulf would have been cleaned up a month ago.” –Jay Leno

“Hey, have you been following what’s been going on in the South Carolina Democratic primary for the Senate? This is very bizarre. A man named Alvin Greene has won the Democratic primary. But he didn’t go to any campaign events, spent no money, gave no speeches, was kicked out of the Army, he’s unemployed, he lives with his mother, and he’s facing felony charges for showing lewd photos to students. I know. Sounds like a senator to me.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama is now in the Gulf of Mexico. This is his fourth visit since the spill. So the president has been down there four times. And the head of BP is saying, ‘Well see, it hasn’t affected tourism.’” –David Letterman

“The Backstreet Boys are boycotting BP. I think I’ll wait and see what the New Kids on the Block are doing.” –David Letterman

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“BP is now saying they’ve captured anywhere from 35 percent to 75 percent of the oil that is gushing out of the well. Of course, you’ve got to keep in mind they usually lie anywhere from 85 percent to 95 percent of the time.” –Jay Leno

“Women won big in California, Arkansas, Nevada and South Carolina. These are exciting times. I can remember when only rich white men could buy elections. Now women can buy them, too.” –Jay Leno

“Looks like this Gore divorce could end up being pretty costly. In fact, Al Gore now talking about only trying to save half the planet.” –Jay Leno

“It was on this day in 1934 the first Donald Duck cartoon premiered. He’s 76 years old. You’d think if America loved a 76-year-old guy with a hot temper so much, we would have elected John McCain.” –Craig Ferguson

“A few days ago, Vice President Biden and Rahm Emanuel had a water gun fight during a party at Biden’s house. Meanwhile, Sasha and Malia spent the last few days trying to solve the BP oil crisis.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Here’s a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they’re capturing it with ducks.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Al Gore and his wife are getting divorced. After 40 years of marriage, it’s kind of sad. Apparently what happened was, I guess, she walked in, caught him boring another woman.” –Jay Leno

“There are signs the divorce is starting to get ugly. In fact, today, Tipper stopped recycling and bought a Humvee.” –Jay Leno

“It’s amazing to me, the new unemployment figures are not good. A lot of people out of work, yet somehow the CEO of British Petroleum still manages to keep his job.” –Jay Leno

“In an interview on NBC, President Obama said today he would’ve fired BP CEO Tony Hayward if he worked for him. But unfortunately, as you know, the White House works for BP.” –Jay Leno

“BP CEO Tony Hayward said he would just like to get his life back. He wants to get his life back. You know, I say give him life plus 20.” –Jay Leno

“The only commercial airline in Iraq, Iraqi Airways, folded this week. The CEO of Iraqi Airlines said the company could not survive in a market where everybody in the country is on the no-fly list.” –Jay Leno

“You know who performed at the Rush Limbaugh wedding? Elton John. Isn’t that amazing. It proves that there’s absolutely no ideological gap that a million-dollar check can’t bridge.” –David Letterman

“The BP oil spill turned 50 days old today. If you get it a cake, don’t light the candles.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The spill has lasted longer, cost more, and destroyed more wildlife than Sarah Palin.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Using electron microscopes, scientists have now discovered the slowest moving thing on Earth. Turns out, it’s the White House responding to the oil spill.” –Jay Leno

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“The Pulitzer Prize for fiction was handed out today, given to Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal for his Vietnam War memoir.” –Jay Leno

“Well, that’s the big story in Connecticut. Their attorney general, Richard Blumenthal, who was considered a shoo-in for his race for the U.S. Senate, is now under fire for claiming that he served in Vietnam when he really didn’t. Turns out he has no war record at all. In fact, only combat experience? Shooting himself in the foot.” –Jay Leno

“Well, the truth is he got five deferments, like Dick Cheney. Then he used connections to get into a special reserve unit, like George Bush. And he would have been fine, if he hadn’t lied like John Edwards.” –Jay Leno

“Some good news today for Blumenthal. Because of all the trouble he’s in for lying, he was offered a job as spokesman for British Petroleum.” –Jay Leno

“Thousands of bees swarmed the White House on Sunday morning. And President Obama doesn’t miss a trick. He is smart. Because all these bees were worker bees, he’s now counted them as 10,000 new jobs he’s created.” –Jay Leno

“Another show canceled right here at CBS, ‘The Ghost Whisperer.’ Every week, the ghost whisperer would run errands for dead people. This week, you tune in, she’s trying to find a job for Arlen Specter.” –David Letterman

“Eliot Spitzer may get his own show on CNN. It would be quite a switch for somebody else to be paying him for an hour.” –David Letterman

“In Louisiana, BP claims that it’s making progress with the leaking oil in the Gulf. They’re working on a plan to heat the Gulf up to 600 degrees and use it to fry chicken.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“During a speech in Ohio yesterday, President Obama reminded the crowd that the economy was much worse a year ago. Then the crowd reminded him that he was already president a year ago.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea.” –David Letterman

“A congressman from my home state of Indiana, Mark Souder, has been forced to resign because he was in a sex scandal. Finally, I’m no longer Indiana’s biggest embarrassment.” –David Letterman

“Have you heard about this guy, Richard Blumenthal? He’s a Democratic candidate for Senate in Connecticut. It turns out he actually lied about serving in Vietnam. Not good. In fact, today, he says he hasn’t got this much attention since he became the first man to walk on the moon.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Blumenthal lied about serving in Vietnam in several speeches, which I guess explains why his descriptions of the war sounded like Wikipedia entries.” –Jimmy Fallon

“British Petroleum is starting to get a little defensive. Have you heard their new slogan? ‘Yeah, like you never spilled anything before.’” –Jay Leno

“For the first time ever, an Arab-American woman has been named Miss U.S.A. Her name is Rima Fakih from Dearborn, Mich. She says she hopes winning this title will finally help get her name off the no-fly list.” –Jay Leno

“Well, at a rally in Arizona this weekend, Sarah Palin said, ‘We’re all Arizonans now’ — at which point, every immigrant in Arizona was like, ‘So, we can stay?’” – Jimmy Fallon

“In a new interview, BP’s CEO said that the Gulf Coast oil spill is relatively tiny compared to the ‘very big ocean.’ That’s like telling someone who’s just been shot not to worry about the bullet because they’re really, really fat.” –Jimmy Fallon

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“Now, according to The Wall Street Journal, a new study says a parent should not be alarmed if their child tells a lie. They say it’s a natural part of development and there are three phases — adolescent lying, young adult lying, and of course, oil executive lying. That is the biggest.” –Jay Leno

“BP, Transocean and Halliburton are blaming each other for the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. They are all right.” –Jay Leno

“These people make Goldman Sachs look responsible, don’t they?” –Jay Leno

“BP is going to try to stop the leak by pushing garbage into it. Oh, yeah, they haven’t screwed up the gulf enough, let’s fill it with garbage, too.” –Jay Leno

“Police in Cairo have detained an American man who arrived on a flight from JFK with two handguns, 250 bullets, swords, daggers and knives in his luggage. When they heard this, JFK screeners were like, ‘Sure he had all these things, but here’s what he didn’t have — bottled water or nail clippers.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Prison inmates in Louisiana are now pitching in to clean up the Gulf Coast oil spill. At this point, the solutions have been dump chemicals in the ocean, shoot a bunch of garbage under water and release prisoners. If none of that works, they’re going to have Al Qaeda come take a look at it.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Hey, here’s some good news. The price of oil has dropped by $12 a barrel. I mean, why buy it when you can just scoop it out of the water, huh?” –Jay Leno

“Oh, speaking of that. If anybody needs a 100-ton concrete containment dome, there’s one on eBay for 75 bucks.” –Jay Leno

“Actually, you know, that stupid idea about using a giant concrete dome and putting it over the leak, well, that didn’t work. In fact, experts are calling this the worst use of a concrete dome since they built that stadium for the Detroit Lions.” –Jay Leno

“Congress told BP they can’t label this catastrophic failure as an unpredictable and unforeseeable occurrence. See, Congress used that excuse for not catching the financial meltdown, so now they have to come up with their own excuse.” –Jay Leno

“Greece is a relatively small country. It would be like a state over here. But it overspends, it over borrows, it promises expensive pension plans, it over-taxes, it over-regulates business. So, the state it would be here would be California.” –Jay Leno

“Well, in announcing this Elena Kagan as his nominee for the Supreme Court, President Barack Obama characterized Kagan as a ‘trailblazing leader.’ The other Democrats said she was a wise choice because she had no paper trail.” –Jay Leno

“Let me tell you about ‘The Late Show.’ It’s like a car bomb and an oil spill all in one.” –David Letterman

“Last weekend, President Obama gave an impassioned speech against technology. And then he had to stop when the teleprompter broke.” –Craig Ferguson

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“So, the Phoenix Suns are wearing jerseys written in Spanish, made in China, modeled after their best player, Canadian Steve Nash. There you go. That is America.” –Jay Leno

“I don’t understand the United Nations. They have selected Iran to sit on the U.N.’s women’s rights panel. Iran! Also on the panel — Ben Roethlisberger, Chris Brown, Phil Spector, Robert Blake and committee chairman O.J. Simpson.” –Jay Leno

“You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I’m telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.” –David Letterman

“Authorities say Faisal Shahzad, the Times Square bombing suspect, used the wrong kind of fertilizer, which is what happens when you don’t watch Martha Stewart.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“It was reported that Shahzad went to terrorist camp in Pakistan. Honestly, who are these parents that are sending their kids to terrorist camp?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias ‘Barack Obama’ while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A new survey found that 12 percent of parents punish their kids by banning social networking sites. The other 88 percent punish their kids by joining social networking sites.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Well, the amazing part, they arrested this guy. He was already on the plane. It was taxiing down the runway. They called the plane back. And they’re calling it great work by Homeland Security, and I guess it is. I mean, that’s one way to look at it. I mean, how about the fact that a Pakistani guy who bought a one-way ticket to the Middle East, reeking of fertilizer, made it through security and got on the plane. How did that happen?” –Jay Leno

“You know who’s really happy they took him off the plane? The guy sitting next to him. Smelling manure for 14 hours?” –Jay Leno

“Anyway, police raided this guy’s house. I guess it’s in Bridgeport, Conn. Some of the neighbors say the suspect told them he worked on Wall Street, so they were relieved to find out he was just a terrorist.” –Jay Leno

“The real hero in this story was the T-shirt vendor who told the policeman about the smoke coming from the SUV in Times Square. And for some reason, New York Mayor Bloomberg took the policeman to dinner but not the T-shirt vendor. Hey, you see the T-shirt he’s selling today? It says: ‘I saw the smoking SUV first. All I got was this lousy T-shirt.’” –Jay Leno

“And I tell you, this Faisal guy, not the brightest terrorist. Did you see his bomb? Three bottles of Diet Coke and some Mentos. You know, that’s not going to do a lot.” –Jay Leno

“On Monday, British Petroleum promised to pay all necessary cleanup costs for this oil spill. And they said they will do it, no matter how much they have to raise gas prices.” –Jay Leno

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“Arizona has passed the strictest immigration bill in American history. A hundred people have been stopped already — and that was just in one van.” –Jay Leno

“Congress has voted against giving itself a pay raise. They thought giving themselves a pay raise now would be unpopular. I think giving them any pay at all right now is unpopular.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama’s National Security Adviser James L. Jones apologized for telling an ethnic joke at a speech. Political insiders were shocked — someone said something stupid and inappropriate and it wasn’t Joe Biden?” –Jay Leno

“George W. Bush’s memoir is coming out in November. It’s called ‘Decision Points’ and it’s about big decisions in his life. I’ve already made a decision not to read it.” –David Letterman

“Bush is working very hard on the book, making revisions. In fact, his computer screen is covered with White-Out.” –David Letterman

“They asked him if he used a ghostwriter and he said, ‘No, the guy’s still alive.’” –David Letterman

“How many people are here just because you’re hiding from the Arizona police?” –David Letterman

“Gov. Rick Perry of Texas shot a coyote while he was jogging. Who carries a gun while jogging? I can barely manage my iPod.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“During a Goldman Sachs hearing yesterday, Sen. Carl Levin used the S-word 11 times on live television when quoting an e-mail. Which begs the question — if a guy swears on C-SPAN and there’s no one watching to hear it, does he really make a sound?” –Jimmy Fallon

“Rolls-Royce is offering the Pentagon a special deal on engines for the Joint Strike Fighter jet. Not to be outdone, Toyota is offering a special deal on engines for kamikaze pilots.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The famous scientist Stephen Hawking says in a new documentary not only does he believe aliens exist, he believes we should not make contact with aliens because they could be very angry beings, especially aliens from Arizona.” –Jay Leno

“As you know, Arizona recently passed the toughest anti-immigration bill in American history. The idea behind this bill is to drive illegal immigrants out of Arizona and back to their homeland of Los Angeles.” –Jay Leno

“This new law is pretty strict. You can’t use the slogan ‘what can brown do for you?’ anymore. Can’t even use that.” –Jay Leno

“The top executive of Goldman Sachs testified before Congress today, which proves crooks always return to the scene of the crime.” –Jay Leno

“So today you had lawyers, congressmen and bankers in the same room. That’s like the trifecta of lying.” –Jay Leno

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