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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

This week marks the 40th anniversary of the Watergate hearings. For those of you too young to remember, back then the administration had an enemies list. They were spying on reporters, and they used the IRS to harass groups they didn’t like. Thank God those days are gone forever. –Jay Leno

A lot of critics are comparing President Obama to President Richard Nixon, which is unfair. Nixon’s unemployment rate was only 5 percent. –Jay Leno

This whole IRS thing has become a huge story. They apparently were targeting conservative groups like the tea party. You know it’s bad when President Obama says, “Hey, why don’t we talk about Benghazi?” –Jay Leno

The National Aquarium in Washington is going to close. But don’t worry. If you’re in D.C. and you still want to smell something fishy, stop by the White House. They’ve gone from “Change you can believe in” to “Changing the story until you believe it.” –Jay Leno

In a new interview, Joe Biden says he spends four or five hours every day with President Obama. In response, Obama said hiring that Obama impersonator was the best decision he’s ever made. –Conan O’Brien

Since President Obama took office, the Democratic Party has lost nine governorships, 56 members of Congress, and two Senate seats. In his defense, Obama said, “Well, I did promise change.” –Conan O’Brien

China announced it will no longer buy recycled trash from the U.S. I don’t have a joke here. I’d just like to give a round of applause to whatever genius has been selling trash to China. –Conan O’Brien

O.J. Simpson was in court this week trying to overturn his conviction on armed robbery and kidnapping. O.J. said, “I’m tired of everyone thinking of me as a robber and kidnapper and forgetting what a great murderer I am.” –Conan O’Brien

Have you folks been paying attention to what’s going on in Washington? In a matter of six weeks we have three big scandals, and it looks like President Obama and all his buddies in the White House may go to prison. Finally, some good news for the Romney campaign. –David Letterman

People always say this to me: “Hey, Letterman,” they say. “Why don’t you make jokes about Obama?” All right, I’ll tell you why. I don’t make jokes about him because I don’t want the FBI tapping my phone, that’s why. –David Letterman

They see Benghazi as a real powder keg. This scandal, they believe, may go as high as Dennis Rodman. –David Letterman

Here’s the problem. When you get scandals in Washington — like the IRS, Benghazi, and the FBI — it really gets in the way of not getting things done. If they don’t fix these crises pretty soon, honest to God, it could bring gridlock to a screeching halt. –David Letterman

The Cannes Film Festival was yesterday. Everyone who’s anyone in show business is in France right now. “But Craig, you’re here in Los Angeles.” Exactly. I’m lower on the show business ladder than Justin Bieber’s monkey. –Craig Ferguson

The Germans are like, “No, Bieber. We are keeping your monkey. It is never leaving Germany again. This Bieber monkey is the new Hasselhoff of Germany. –Craig Ferguson

Every year there’s a jury at the Cannes Film Festival. Getting on the jury is very competitive in France. Not because the French love cinema, but because they love to judge. –Craig Ferguson

O.J. Simpson took the witness stand. He’s serving up to 33 years on armed robbery, assault, and kidnapping charges. He won’t be eligible for parole until 2017 and who knows if we’ll have even have “Dancing With the Stars” by then. –Jimmy Kimmel

The most notable thing to come out of the trial is that O.J. has put on a lot of weight in prison. I think he found the real killers and ate them. –Jimmy Kimmel

He’s hoping if he’s granting a retrial they’ll let him serve the remainder of his sentence under Waffle House arrest. –Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama is not having a good week. With three scandals shaking the White House, they’re saying this is one of the worst weeks of Obama’s presidency. Obama was like, “How could things get worse?” And Joe Biden was like, “You rang?” –Jimmy Fallon

A town in Minnesota has appointed a 4-year-old boy to be its mayor. People got pretty annoyed when he said his first plan was “waising taxes.” –Jimmy Fallon

Next season “Dancing With the Stars” will be cut back from two nights a week to just one — while “American Idol” will be cut back from two nights a week to a puppet show at Ryan Seacrest’s house. –Jimmy Fallon

The heat wave is continuing. There are warnings this could be a long, hot summer and they are telling everyone to cover up. Believe me. You don’t have to tell the Obama White House twice. They know all about covering up. –Jay Leno

Today the White House unveiled its latest high-tech weapon: the IRS audit. –Jay Leno

I love what IRS commissioner Steve Miller said today about this whole targeting conservative groups thing. He said, “Mistakes were made, but they were in no way made with a political or partisan motivation.” Yeah, “Mistakes were made” — try saying THAT during your next IRS audit. –Jay Leno

First it was Benghazi, then the IRS scandal, and now this phone records scandal. Remember the old days when President Obama’s biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden? What happened to those days? –Jay Leno

President Obama’s right in the middle of three scandals. The IRS ratting out people it doesn’t like. Benghazi, number two. And they say Obama has been phone tapping the AP. So three big scandals. Here’s what I prefer: Weiner and Spitzer. Now those are scandals my writers can really work with. –David Letterman

OJ Simpson is back in court. He’s gained weight. Apparently the only knife OJ has been using lately is the butter knife. –David Letterman

Remember: If the pants don’t fit, you must acquit. –David Letterman

It was just revealed that the Department of Justice secretly recorded the phone calls of AP journalists for two months. Obama promised reporters that the incident will be immediately investigated — by the Department of Justice. –Jimmy Fallon

The founder of Spanx announced that she is giving away half of her fortune to charity. She told her family, “We’ll be fine. Things are just going to get a little tighter. –Jimmy Fallon

The Philadelphia Eagles new coach, Chip Kelly, recently got rid of the team’s long-running tradition of having fast-food Fridays. He says that he wants his players to live healthier lives. Then he sends them out to hit other people with their heads. –Jimmy Fallon

Officials in Belize say that a construction company accidentally destroyed a set of Mayan ruins that were 2,000 years old. Or as the Mayans put it, “Eh, it’s not the end of the world.” –Jimmy Fallon

I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke, but I don’t want to get audited by the IRS, so forget that. –Jay Leno

The IRS has now admitted that they targeted conservative groups for extra scrutiny. That’s why Mitt Romney wanted to be president so bad — to keep the IRS off his back. –Jay Leno

Barbara Walters announced her retirement today. Good, I’ll have somebody to hang out with next year. –Jay Leno

O.J. is trying to get a new trial. His lawyer said, “Look, O.J., we’ve been through this before. It’s a long shot. And O.J. said, “You know what? I think I’ll take a stab at it.” –David Letterman

A new study says by 2030 household robots will dominate every phase of our lives. The study says the No. 1 field for robot growth is medicine. That makes sense. Robots already perform well in surgery. That is, until there is a power outage. Then it’s just a coat rack leaning over you as you bleed to death. –Craig Ferguson

On Friday, a truck in Ohio overturned on a highway and spilled hundreds of hot dogs. It got even more annoying when another truck came along and spilled two less buns. –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Things Going Through This Baby’s Mind At This Moment

Friday, May 10, 2013

10. “What’s everyone staring at?”

9. “You can go faster, it’s not like I’m a week old”

8. “Grip it and rip it, dude”

7. “Ah, this is just the vacation I needed”

6. “Next week: solid food and slalom”

5. “I’m getting too old for this crap”

4. “Takes my mind completely off teething”

3. “Isn’t this what Cheney did to people?”

2. “If I were old enough to talk, I’d say, ‘Aggghhhh!’”

1. “I could really go for a cigarette”

Top Ten Reasons I Decided To Become A Teacher

Thursday, May 9, 2013

10. I hope to live up to the teachers who inspired me — like Ms. What’s-Her-Name

9. It’s no fun saying the pledge of allegiance every day by myself

8. Honestly, I didn’t pay much attention the first time through school

7. Kids need to know the moon landing was faked

6. If I could make a difference in just one student’s life — well, that wouldn’t be a very good average

5. The glamour

4. You work long hours, but at least the pay is bad

3. Hoping to teach in an all song-and-dance high school, like on “Glee”

2. In the summer, I can watch all you losers go to the office

1. I want to help kids talk good

Top Ten Least Memorable James Bond Films

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

10. “Lick And Let Dry”

9. “You’ve Only Bathed Twice”

8. “Oldfinger”

7. “Clams Casino Royale”

6. “Gold Bond: The Spy Who Loved Medicated Powder”

5. “Secret Service On Her Majesty”

4. “James Bond: Mall Cop”

3. “Leafraker”

2. “From Rush Limbaugh With Love”

1. “Cold Sores Are Forever”

Top Ten Thoughts People Have About Sandwiches

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

10. “Sure, I’ll have a sandwich”

9. “Is the second date too early for a French dip?”

8. “Honestly, screw wraps”

7. “Is America ready for its first gay sandwich?”

6. “Do I want a 12-inch or a foot-long?”

5. “Has the United States Treasury considered a sandwich-backed currency?”

4. “What does BLT stand for?”

3. “When will this country lift the ban on Cuban sandwiches?”

2. “When I say ‘hold the pickles’ I’d actually like to hold the pickles”

1. “Grinder? I just met her!”

Top Ten Least Impressive Auction Items

Monday, May 6, 2013

10. Rice thrown at a Kardashian wedding

9. Autographed photo of Brad Pitt’s accountant

8. Any Lance Armstrong memorabilia

7. Auctioneer’s half-finished lunch

6. Bible signed by a guy who looks like Jesus

5. Richard Nixon’s junk mail

4. The shoes Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin wore yesterday

3. Shellacked replica of Fred Astaire’s favorite sandwich

2. Water bottle which may or may not have been used by Marco Rubio

1. Dinner with Andy Dick

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon:

Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is the guy who told his wife he was going for a hike and then went to Argentina to see his girlfriend. He was exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating weasel. In a stunning comeback, he has been elected to Congress, where he’ll fit right in. –Jay Leno

Today Sanford said his first order of business was improving relations with South America. –Jay Leno

New predictions claim that 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2030. They say the only way to stop it is for government to step in. Oh, yeah, that will work. When it comes to trimming the fat and tightening your belt, who knows better than the U.S. government? –Jay Leno

According to Forbes magazine, Al Gore is now worth more than $200 million. This is what Gore meant when he talked about going green. –Jay Leno

In South Carolina, former Governor Mark Sanford won a congressional seat after dragging around and debating a cardboard cutout of Nancy Pelosi. Then someone explained that WAS Nancy Pelosi. -Conan O’Brien

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he’s still adjusting after his surgery to reduce how much he can eat. He said, “I now have six free hours a day I don’t know what to do with.” -Conan O’Brien

According to a new poll, Americans trust Judge Judy more than they trust Supreme Court justices. She won her trust after her landmark decision in the case of Drunk Lady vs. Other Drunk Lady. -Conan O’Brien

Former NBA player Dennis Rodman has asked North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un to release American prisoner Kenneth Bay. Rodman said, “I’m calling for Kim to do me a solid” and release Kenneth Bay.” How do you think the Koreans will translate “do me a solid?” –Jimmy Kimmel

I’m sure Kenneth Bay would be thrilled to hear that Dennis Rodman is on his case. –Jimmy Kimmel

Wouldn’t it be something if it worked? How many can say they were saved from a North Korean prison camp by Dennis Rodman? Three, four. Eight, maybe. –Jimmy Kimmel

Why do I feel this somehow ends with Michael Jordan being forced to fly to Pyongyang to sign the “Space Jam” poster hanging over Kim Jong Un’s bed to prevent nuclear Armageddon?  –Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday, Delaware became the most recent state to legalize same-sex marriage. That marks the 11th state to make same-sex marriage legal and the first thing I know about Delaware. –Jimmy Fallon

This Sunday is Mother’s Day. That means you have four days to pick out the perfect gift before just buying flowers on the way to brunch. –Jimmy Fallon

Actually, a new survey found out the average American will spend $168 on Mother’s Day this year. For any woman who’s been through labor for a day and a half, remember, it pays exactly $168. –Jimmy Fallon

A movie version of “Dungeons and Dragons” is in the works. It’s expected to set all-time records for people saying, “Ticket for one, please.” –Jimmy Fallon

Chris Christie revealed he had lap-band surgery in February. President Obama wished him well. In fact, Obama is now thinking about having Joe Biden’s mouth stapled. –Jay Leno

CNN anchor Carol Costello was robbed of her iPhone in broad daylight while walking down the street in Atlanta. Unfortunately it was on CNN, so there weren’t any witnesses. –Jay Leno

Lindsay Lohan has checked into the Betty Ford Center. Celebrities who have been treated at Betty Ford swear by the place. In fact, they return again and again and again. –Jay Leno

The Rolling Stones played the Staples Center here. They are on their big Centrum Silver tour. Tickets went for as much $650. And that’s minus the Medicare deductible. –Jay Leno

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that he underwent a surgery that restricts the amount of food he can consume. As a result, 12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list. -Conan O’Brien

Chris Christie had weight reduction surgery. As a result, I’ll be going into surgery for monologue joke reduction. -Conan O’Brien

A Texas man has fired the first-ever gun created by a 3-D printer. Which raises the question: Don’t you think a gun created by a printer would jam? -Conan O’Brien

A cleric in Iran is warning that an earthquake is on the way, and it’s the fault of women who wear revealing clothes. So yet another setback for the Tehran Hooters. -Conan O’Brien

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had stomach surgery so he won’t be so big. His family gave him a choice. They said, “Look, you either have that surgery or get your own ZIP code.” -David Letterman

Governor Christie is now saying that his decision had nothing to do with 2016, which by the way is his cholesterol. –David Letterman

Cicadas are back, and there are going to be trillions of them. Cicadas mate once every 17 years. They’re like Martha Stewart. –David Letterman

The stock market is at an all-time high. People at home are saying, “Well, that would be great if I had a job.” –David Letterman

Over the weekend, Arnold’s son Patrick Schwarzenegger was kicked out of a nightclub in Hollywood. Apparently, Patrick threatened the DJ. It was a chaotic scene. Security rushed in and said, “Which one of you is Schwarzenegger’s kid?” And 50 people raised their hands. -Craig Ferguson

Over the weekend, the Rolling Stones played here at the Staples Center but they had to cut their ticket prices in half to fill the seats. I guess if people wanted go to the Staples Center to see old guys shuffling around way past their prime, they’d just go see the Lakers. –Craig Ferguson

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that back in February he had a secret lap-band surgery, which explains why there’s been so much food in New Jersey lately. –Jimmy Kimmel

If you examine the pictures, you can see that Christie actually might be getting fatter. He’s the worst ad for lap-band surgery ever. –Jimmy Kimmel

Lap-band surgery is said to be slower than other procedures. Typically, patients lose one to two pounds a week. Which means the governor could be down to a healthy weight in about 100 years. –Jimmy Kimmel

Over the weekend President Obama gave the commencement speech at Ohio State University. He said, “I dare you to do better” — to which the students yelled back, “No, we dare YOU to do better. We need jobs!” –Jay Leno

Mexico’s economy has been on the upswing the last couple of years. They’re getting investors from companies all over the world. In fact, Mexico is now home to 11 million undocumented Americans. –Jay Leno

For the first time ever, girls in Saudi Arabia will be allowed to take part in school sports. Of course, their moms won’t be allowed to drive them to practice. But hey, it’s progress. –Jay Leno

Taco Bell’s chief marketing executive says they are now working on a new low-end menu. What? You mean the stuff they’ve been serving is the high-end stuff? –Jay Leno

PETA is really upset at Chris Christie for killing a spider in front of a group of school children. Governor Christie said, “If PETA is upset by that, they do not want to know what I had for lunch today.” -Conan O’Brien

According to a new report, Al Gore now has more money than Mitt Romney. Gore said Mitt and I are living proof that if you’re a boring white guy, anything is possible. -Conan O’Brien

A Catholic bishop from Massachusetts was arrested for drunk driving. He told the cop, “I’m a bishop. I’m supposed to move diagonally.” -Conan O’Brien

“Iron Man 3″ made $175 million in the United States and $680 million worldwide. It’s the second biggest opening behind “The Avengers,” which proves something I have known for a long time. We are all nerds now. –Jimmy Kimmel

The only thing I didn’t understand when I saw “Iron Man 3″ was that Iron Man was in a lot of trouble and the world was in a lot of trouble but The Avengers were nowhere to be found. What happened? Did he lose their phone numbers? Did they unfriend him on Facebook? –Jimmy Kimmel

Where were The Avengers? Seems like if the president is being held hostage, maybe bring the guy with the hammer that shoots lightning bolts. –Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday President Obama spoke at Ohio State’s graduation, and told students that it’s their responsibility to make the world a better place. It got awkward when students were like, “Wait, isn’t that literally your responsibility?” –Jimmy Fallon

Some experts are saying that the 2016 Democratic presidential race could come down to Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden. Biden is calling her a worthy opponent, while Hillary is calling him “practice.” –Jimmy Fallon

The National Park Service is launching a new campaign to attract younger visitors. It has a very creative slogan: “National Parks: Nobody Knows You’re Drinking in Here.” –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Signs Your Ice Cream Truck Driver Is Nuts

Friday, May 3, 2013

10. He greets customers with “Who sent you?”

9. Offers three toppings: sprinkles, nuts, and fire ants

8. Only works winters

7. On truck loudspeaker you hear him sobbing

6. Your scoop of “vanilla” turns out to be Crisco

5. Truck never slows below 85 miles per hour

4. Price of everything is “How much you got?”

3. He has licked everything in the truck

2. Keeps ice cream scoop warm in his pants

1. He’s wearing nothing but a sugar cone

Top Ten Things You Don’t Want to Hear In A Movie Preview

Thursday, May 2, 2013

10. “In a world where waffles do not exist…”

9. “From the director who once met the nephew of the director who brought you ‘The Godfather’”

8. “Meryl Streep is New Jersey Governor Chris Christie”

7. “Come see the film ‘Entertainment Weekly’ calls ‘97 minutes in length’”

6. “Starring Tom Hanks, but not that Tom Hanks”

5. “The incredible, true story of a teenager’s monkey, seized by German authorities”

4. “Strap yourself in for two hours you’ll never get back”

3. “Coming soon, another asinine movie about vampires”

2. “Special Sneak Preview at midnight in my van”

1. “Anthony Weiner in 3-D”

Top Ten Other Stadium Inventions

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

10. Cup holder holders

9. On-field parking

8. Fully-obstructed-view seating

7. Chimpanzee ushers

6. Shoulder-launched hot dogs

5. Retractable field

4. Every seat gets a throw pillow

3. Even warmer, flatter beer

2. Vibrating condiment pumps

1. Valet-parking dogs

Top Ten Phrases You Don’t Want To See In An Online Dating Profile

Monday, April 29, 2013

10. “Never convicted”

9. “Probably a tapeworm”

8. “Rest in peace, Qaddafi”

7. “Mommy says I’m handsome”

6. “95% bedbug-free”

5. “Casino restroom attendant”

4. “Face tattoo”

3. “Limbaugh-esque”

2. “Per hour”

1. “Twice, with Andy Dick”

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

Martha Stewart told Matt Lauer on the “Today” show that she is looking for a man on Match.com. You would think it’d be easy for someone like Martha Stewart, but it is not. It’s tough for her. A lot of guys don’t want to get involved with an ex-con. –Jay Leno

In baseball news, the Chicago Cubs said they will move if improvements are not made to Wrigley Field. And today Wrigley Field said it will move if improvements are not made to the Chicago Cubs. –Jay Leno

The U.S. government apparently spent millions of dollars in cash to fund various dubious government projects in Afghanistan — including solar panels and wind farms that never work. No, I’m sorry. That’s what we did here. I had it backwards. –Jay Leno

Researchers now believe the first settlers who settled in America, in Jamestown, resorted to cannibalism. The first settlers ate each other. Good thing that didn’t catch on. That would have changed Thanksgiving, don’t you think? –Jay Leno

More news keeps coming out about Jason Collins, the NBA player who revealed he’s gay. It turns out he’s a free agent looking for someone to sign him. He’s got some interest from Chicago. Not the Bulls, the Broadway musical. -Conan O’Brien

Domino’s Pizza customers can now order a pizza and watch it being made online. A spokesperson for Domino’s said this way their customers can see exactly what went wrong. -Conan O’Brien

The Chicago Cubs are considering leaving Wrigley Field if they don’t get a bigger scoreboard. Then someone reminded the Cubs for the amount of runs they get, they don’t need a scoreboard. -Conan O’Brien

A new study reveals that up to 41 percent of college graduates are working in jobs that don’t require a degree. By the way, I’m one of them. -Conan O’Brien

Martha Stewart has signed up with Match.com, the dating thing. And she’s been taking dating tips from the CEO of Match.com. And I thought, “Wait a minute. That’s insider dating.” –David Letterman

In New York City every year, we have the Tony Awards. We carry them right here on CBS. To make them more exciting, CBS has renamed them the “Jimmies.” –David Letterman

There’s another new category this year in the Tony Awards — best performance by a guy dragged against his will to a Broadway show. –David Letterman

It’s been two years since the SEAL team busted in and got Osama bin Laden. On the night of the raid, the guy never knew what hit him. It’s like being married to a Kardashian. –David Letterman

Martha Stewart is on the prowl. Martha Stewart is now on Match.com. She’s 71, and says she’s looking for a man between 55 and 70 and is not looking to have kids. What 70-year-old woman is looking to have kids? –Jimmy Kimmel

Martha says she’s a fan of the symphony, opera, and rap. I like that. She spent three months in prison and all of a sudden she’s Tupac listening to rap. –Jimmy Kimmel

What kind of rap does Martha Stewart like? Gift wrap. –Jimmy Kimmel

We ran all her information and we determined the best match for Martha. We looked to find someone who’s single, successful, likes kids, age appropriate, athletic, and knows what is it’s like to go through a scandal. I think we were able to find the right man. Arnold Schwarzenegger. –Jimmy Kimmel

Vice President Joe Biden’s plane is apparently stuck in Arizona because of problems with its engine. Officials say they’re trying to fix it as fast as they can. But Obama was like, “No rush.” –Jimmy Fallon

An elementary school here in New York City has become the first school in the country to serve only vegetarian food. Apparently the school board wants to give kids a head start in being difficult at restaurants. –Jimmy Fallon

That’s right. A school is serving only vegetarian foods, like tofu. Now when bullies say, “Give me your lunch money,” students are like, “Here, take it.” –Jimmy Fallon

The FDA has just ruled that girls as young as 15 can now obtain the contraceptive Plan B without a prescription. Before that, most teenagers’ Plan B was getting a show on MTV.  –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama held a press conference today. He said he still wants to close the Guantanamo Bay prison facility, but he doesn’t know how to do it. He should do what he always does. Declare it a small business and tax it out of existence. -Jay Leno

Yesterday Tim Tebow was cut by the New York Jets, although today he did sign with somebody: ChristianMingle.com. So good for him. . -Jay Leno

There’s now talk here in California of letting noncitizens serve on juries. The bad news: If you’re ever on trial for underpaying your nanny, you could get the death penalty. . -Jay Leno

Happy birthday to Willie Nelson. He’s 80 years old. God bless him. Willie has finally reached the age he’s looked for the last 30 years. . -Jay Leno

Yesterday President Obama said that the prison at Guantanamo Bay needs to be closed. To make sure it closes quickly, they’re turning it into a Blockbuster Video. -Conan O’Brien

NBA player Jason Collins’ former fiancee said she had no clue he was gay. Then she showed off an engagement ring given to her by her former fiance, Richard Simmons. -Conan O’Brien

Jason Collins’ former fiancee did say she had no clue he was gay. She went on to say he didn’t cheat on her, so she also had no clue he was in the NBA. -Conan O’Brien

Yeah, she said she had no clue he was gay. When she heard this, Manti Te’o’s fiancee said, “Well, at least you exist.” -Conan O’Brien

New reports say New York Governor Andrew Cuomo will not run for president in 2016 if Hillary Clinton does. In a statement, Hillary said that she appreciates the decision and the support. Then she added, “Because I would crush him.” –Jimmy Fallon

New York City is testing a new plan that would make the average school day longer by over two hours. Parents haven’t commented on the plan yet because they’re busy high fiving everyone they know. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that the air quality in New York City subways is actually the same quality as the air in New York streets. Even crazier, that’s supposed to be good news. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that certain fish use sign language to communicate. Apparently they have a sign for everything — except for “big metal hook.” –Jimmy Fallon

Washington Wizards center Jason Collins has become the first American athlete in a major team sport to come out as gay. Do you know what a breakthrough this is? Finally an NBA player who won’t have any illegitimate kids. –Jay Leno

Collins said it was not a tough decision to tell people that he’s gay. He said it’s easier than telling people he plays for the Washington Wizards. That’s the hard part. –Jay Leno

I had a birthday over the weekend. I turned 63. That is an awkward age. It’s too old for NBC, but it’s still too young to play for the Lakers. –Jay Leno

Supreme Court Justice Steven Breyer had shoulder surgery for an injury after he fell off his bike. It happened when the justice drifted a little too far to the left. -Conan O’Brien

In a new interview, Mike Tyson revealed his ex-girlfriend cooked and ate his pet pigeon right in front of him. Tyson said she also had a dark side. -Conan O’Brien

Jason Collins is the first athlete in a major U.S. sport to announce he’s gay. He’s a free-agent now, but his last team was the Washington Wizards. He’s not the first openly gay wizard. That trail was blazed by Dumbledore. –Craig Ferguson

So far the reaction from fans and teammates has been nothing but positive. Why shouldn’t it be? Jason Collins has nothing to be ashamed of. It’s not like he plays for the Lakers. –Craig Ferguson

The positive reaction to Jason’s announcement is a great sign. It shows us that NBA fans are ready to embrace diversity. And they really want to concentrate on what unites them — hating the Miami Heat. –Craig Ferguson

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some of David Letterman’s best jokes about Hillary over the last several years:

One week, and Barack Obama will be the new President of the United States. I’m telling you, things are really starting to look bad for Hillary.

Bill and Hillary Clinton helped drop the ball in Times Square on New Year’s Eve. But it was frigid. It was bitter cold, it was icy. And that’s just their marriage, ladies and gentlemen.

The suburbs are cold also. Up in Chappaqua, Bill and Hillary accidentally got into the same bed. It’s that cold.

Hillary Clinton is going to be secretary of State in the Obama Administration. Well, political insiders are now saying that Barack and Hillary actually have a good working relationship, but they don’t have a close personal relationship. No, wait a minute, that’s Hill and Bill.

Are you excited about Hillary Clinton? It looks like she’ll be named Secretary of State. They’re talking about that. And she’ll also receive the home version of the presidency and some other wonderful prizes.

Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he’s got his mother-in-law, who is going to be living with him, and they are talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me.

Now this is a tough process because when, you know, you are going to appoint to you a Cabinet-level position, there is a whole process. It is a vetting process. And a questionnaire, and there was some trouble, because they filled out the questionnaire, running the check on Hillary. Listen this. Turns out, she was married to a guy who was once impeached.

How about this, they’re talking about Hillary Clinton maybe secretary of state. She takes that job, it means she will be spending a lot of time away from home. So today she took out her pantsuit with the travel stickers, and then she bought an electronic ankle bracelet for Bill.

But I’m telling you, ladies and gentlemen, in the world of politics, there is always something that goes haywire, always something that screws up, always something that ruins a lovely event. There is always that bump in the road, and it happened earlier today at the White House. An historic meeting, you have Barack Obama meeting with George W. Bush, and he showed up there for his orientation tour. So did Hillary.

How about that Hillary? She’s all upset because they have been using her recorded message of her criticizing Barack Obama. The McCain campaign got ahold of this audio where Hillary is saying unflattering things about Barack Obama, and they’re using them now. They call it one of those robocalls. Do you ever get some of those? Hillary is furious, because she wanted to make those calls herself.

And did you hear what happened down in Washington, DC, earlier today? Guards had to wrestle and apprehend an intruder who was trying to jump over the White House fence. Nice try, Hillary.

Celebrity birthdays, do you like celebrity birthdays? Hillary Clinton, 61 years old yesterday, how about that? Hillary and Bill shared a quiet birthday dinner, followed by a quiet breakfast, followed by a quiet lunch.

By the way, if you want to get Hillary a gift, you can’t go wrong with a gift certificate from Bed, Bath and Bitterness.

You know, that’s what people are saying, they’re saying that Sarah Palin is transmitting, every time she blinks, it’s some sort of coded message that she’s transferring over the television to the public. I remember the same thing, Hillary Clinton, same thing. Do you remember that? She used to actually — this is true — she used to send coded messages by opening and closing her pantsuit.

Congratulations to Bill and Hillary Clinton: this weekend, 33rd wedding anniversary. How about that? And you thought the Iraqi war was a never-ending conflict.

That’s right, Hillary Clinton’s celebrating 32 years of marriage to Bill, or as Hillary likes to call it, ‘the Bridge to Nowhere.’

But the big wedding anniversary; I mean, at least Hillary gets to have one celebration this year, so that’s nice.

But, you know, when Sarah Palin and John McCain make an appearance together, there’s always a brief hug, just kind of a brief hug. No kissing. So whenever you see them, like on stage some place or getting on or off a plane or whatever on TV, a brief hug, no kissing. … It’s just like Bill and Hillary.

I don’t know if you are aware of this or not, but this Democratic convention, they’re trying to be environmentally friendly. Even the confetti that they drop, that’s actually shredded Clinton subpoenas.

Hillary gave a rousing speech, it was so passionate, emotional, I’m telling you, Nancy Pelosi’s face almost moved.

And then what they did, they showed an inspirational film about the political career of Hillary Clinton, and whoa — moving, terribly dramatic and very insightful The name of the film about Hillary Clinton I believe was entitled ‘The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantsuit.

Hillary Clinton’s campaign right now, this very minute, is $20 million in debt. Now, when she gets that 3 AM call, it’s from a collection agency.

Politics is a dirty business. Hillary Clinton announced she’s running for president, and the Republicans are already busy digging up dirt. They found out that once in her lifetime she slept with Bill Clinton.

Bill Clinton’s been getting in the way of Hillary’s campaign. Can you believe that? She’s really upset about it, so she’s encouraged him to start dating again.

It’s true, everybody is in the holiday spirit. Last night, Bill Clinton saw the “Nutcracker.” Not the ballet, Hillary.

Hillary Clinton is ending her campaign, but really in the bigger sense it’s sad because, think about it, there goes right down the drain the Clinton dream of a being a two-impeachment family.

But don’t discount Hillary Clinton, because she’s nothing if not shrewd. … Don’t ever forget that. Hillary has a back-up plan. First, nothing but superdelegates. Remember when we heard all about the superdelegates? … Well, now she has another back-up plan to get to the White House. She’s going to marry John McCain.

Hillary Clinton, senator from New York, announced she wants to be president. She would be our first female president, if you don’t count James Buchanan.

Are you familiar with the Hillary Clinton 3 AM phone call commercial that she’s been running? Well, she’s got another one of those, and the phone rings at 3 AM, Hillary answers the phone, she picks it up, and she says “Stop bothering me, President Obama!”

Hillary criticized Obama so strongly that at one point he yelled at her. He just said, “Hey, easy, lady, we’re not married.”

You all excited about the 2008 presidential election? There’s some interesting potential matchups. For example, Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani. On the one hand, you have a pushy New Yorker with a history marital problems. Or, you have a pushy New Yorker with a history marital problems.

Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she’s too angry to be president. Hillary Clinton, Senator Hillary Clinton, too angry to be president. When she heard this, Hillary said, “Oh yeah? I’ll rip your throats out, you bastards.”

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Things Overheard at the George W. Bush Presidential Library Dedication

Friday, April 26, 2013

10. “Is it ‘library’ or ‘libary’?”

9. “On your right is the hall of unread intelligence memos”

8. “Where did you get that suit – Men’s Wearhouse?”

7. “They forgot to build an exit for the Afghanistan war exhibit”

6. “Hey, Cheney, slow down on the cocktail weiners”

5. “It’s the only presidential library with a mechanical bull”

4. “What’s Nixon doing here?”

3. “I’m missing golf for this crap?”

2. “Who knew Bush was born in Kenya?”

1. “Duck!”

Top Ten Other AP Twitter Account Bulletins

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

10. Betty White’s pregnant

9. Seal Team 6 captures Reese Witherspoon

8. For a good meal at a fair price, you can’t beat Golden Corral

7. Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes — same guy

6. Apple replaces iPhone with edible PiePhone

5. George W. Bush to open presidential library (hard to believe, but that’s actually true)

4. Lindsay Lohan acquitted of all charges

3. Latvia calling it quits

2. Critics agree: Letterman at the top of his game

1. Governor Chris Christie skips dessert

Top Ten Signs Your First Day As A News Anchor Didn’t Go Well

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

10. Well, you’re wearing two neckties

9. Kept mispronouncing your own name

8. Weatherman tells you to expect an 80% chance of unemployment

7. Your tearful, on-air admission of falsifying your resume

6. Referring to Kim Jong Un as “Our great and powerful leader”

5. No one appreciated your Walter Conkite impression

4. Last story of the broadcast announced a job opening for a news anchor

3. Received congratulatory phone call from Sue Simmons (video of Sue: “What the f**k are you doing!?”)

2. Kept dropping your pants and yelling “This just in!”

1. Aspired to be the next Ernie Anastos (video of Ernie: “Keep f**kin that chicken”)

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

All five living presidents will gather for the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library. President Obama says he hopes he can pick up some ideas for when he builds his. It’s going to be called the “Blame George W. Bush Presidential Library.” –Jay Leno

In observance of Earth Week, NBC currently is running its entire prime-time line-up completely into the ground. –Jay Leno

A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women’s facial expressions. The main reason? They are not usually looking at her face. –Jay Leno

Basketball great Dwight Howard, who reportedly has four children from four different mothers, is expecting a fifth child with a fifth woman. Dwight’s going to be a father again — as opposed to the rest of the Lakers, who are mostly grandfathers. –Jay Leno

Remember the kid from Notre Dame who had the imaginary girlfriend, Manti Te’o. They are saying he will be taken in the first round of the NFL Draft. We heard that from his imaginary agent.  -David Letterman

The New York Jets say they will take the best athlete possible in the draft. They’re going to take the best athlete available. It’s the same strategy the Kardashian sisters use. -David Letterman

The Internet celebrated a major milestone yesterday. It’s the eighth anniversary of the very first video uploaded to YouTube. YouTube was founded in 2005 by a small group of visionaries who asked the question, “What if nobody in America ever got anything done ever again?” –Jimmy Kimmel

Microsoft founder Bill Gates is in a little trouble today. Apparently people in South Korea are mad at him for giving a one-handed handshake to the country’s president, which over there is a sign of disrespect. And in hindsight, the hand buzzer wasn’t a great choice either. –Jimmy Fallon

South Koreans are really upset about this, but Gates says it’s just a miscommunication — while Americans say it’s payback for “Gangnam Style.” –Jimmy Fallon

A new report found that the worst job in the U.S. is being a newspaper reporter. They say it’s better for writers to just focus on fiction and become a CNN reporter. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that the way someone sneezes can say a lot about a person. For example, if they hold their sneeze in, they’re humble. If they cover it, they’re respectful. And if they just sneeze into the air, they’re standing next to you on the subway. –Jimmy Fallon

U.S. intelligence agencies have put together a psychological profile of Kim Jong Un. They say he’s a narcissist, and he is obsessed with Hollywood, obsessed with plastic surgery, and obsessed with the NBA. It’s a condition we know as “Kardashianism.” –Jay Leno

Oscar-winner Reese Witherspoon was arrested for disorderly conduct when she interfered with a police officer’s DUI arrest of her husband. Reese admitted she had also been drinking. –Jay Leno Apparently she told the officer she once played Johnny Cash’s wife, June Carter. But they didn’t believe her — because she couldn’t “walk the line.” –Jay Leno

NBC sportscaster Al Michaels got arrested over the weekend for DUI. His blood alcohol level was .08. And of course, NBC was ecstatic. .08 is the highest number anybody on this network has gotten in years. –Jay Leno

NBC announced this week that we are going green to promote new ways to save our planet. Save our planet? We can’t even save our prime-time lineup! –Jay Leno

Computer hackers hacked into The Associated Press Twitter account and they faked reports about an attack on the White House. And I thought, “Wait a minute, the real news isn’t bad enough? Now we’re making up bad news?” -David Letterman

According to new poll information, Americans now think very strongly positive about George W. Bush. By God, maybe there’s hope for me! -David Letterman

Former Congressman Anthony Weiner is back on Twitter. It’s like giving Lindsay Lohan the keys to the mini bar. -David Letterman

Today France legalized same-sex marriage. The next step is legalizing same-sex mistresses. –Craig Ferguson

Today is William Shakespeare’s birthday. He would have been 449 years old, or as CBS calls it, “our demographic.” –Craig Ferguson

There is talk that Apple CEO Tim Cook might get fired because of the company’s bad performance in the stock market. You can tell Tim Cook is trying to keep his job because he was like, “Have you tried turning the company off and back on again?” –Jimmy Fallon

The miniseries “The Bible” was a big hit. Now it’s being cut down to three hours so that it can be released in theaters. And apparently theaters will be able to feed an entire audience with just one bucket of popcorn. –Jimmy Fallon

A company in California has started selling a new cologne that smells like whiskey. I think my dad’s been wearing that cologne for 40 years. –Jimmy Fallon

A woman in Florida crashed her car into a Target store. But in her defense, the store did have a giant target on it. –Jimmy Fallon

Today is also Earth Day; NBC put green light bulbs in because it’s Earth Day. What a tremendous contribution they’ve made to Earth Day. –Jay Leno

Scientists have discovered that the feeling that you’re being watched is hardwired into our brains. In fact, the only people who don’t have the feeling of being watched are on prime time here at NBC. –Jay Leno

There are rumors that Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber are back together. I just want that adorable little girl to be happy again. Maybe Selena can get something out of it, too. –Craig Ferguson

It’s Earth Day today. Let me tell you something about polar bears. They’re endangered but you have to be careful because a polar bear is one of the few animals that will stalk a human. If you go to where polar bears live, it might stalk you and when you’re on the plane going home, it might be behind you reading. –Craig Ferguson

In honor of Earth Day, tonight’s program will be made up of 100 percent recycled jokes. –Craig Ferguson

Happy Earth Day. Did you know there are Earth Day greeting cards? There is no better way to celebrate Earth Day than chopping down trees to make cards. –Jimmy Kimmel

Reese Witherspoon got into trouble. She was arrested for disorderly conduct. She asked the cop, “Do you know my name?” Does that ever work? The answer is either “No,” which is embarrassing or it’s “Yes, I do, and you’re going to jail.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Reese released a statement saying she is deeply embarrassed and clearly had one drink too many. But that’s Earth Day for you. People just get hammered. –Jimmy Kimmel

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries have finalized their divorce, and they did it two weeks before they were scheduled to go to trial. Even their divorce ended before it really started. –Jimmy Fallon

Kim said it’s nice to finally not be married after over a year of sort of not being married. –Jimmy Fallon

NBC has canceled its reality dating show “Ready for Love” after just three episodes. Other NBC shows were like, “They made it to three episodes? What’s their secret?” –Jimmy Fallon

Viewers complained the show was complicated and confusing — marking the first time a dating show has been canceled for being exactly like dating. –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Denny’s Wedding

Thursday, April 11, 2013

10. “I guess the Waffle House was booked”

9. “I said I wanted to get married at Disney”

8. “You think this is bad – they’re having their honeymoon at Sleepy’s”

7. “You may now exchange onion rings”

6. “By the power vested in me, the assistant manager, Keith…”

5. “I’d like to read a passage from appetizers”

4. “You got them a deep fryer? I got them a deep fryer!”

3. “We’re registered at Jenny Craig”

2. “The waiter’s in the kitchen giving the maid of honor a sausage slam”

1. “You may now Heimlich the bride”

Top Ten Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Your Accountant

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

10. Take off your clothes and sit on the examining table (Harvey Tanton)

9. Good news — you earned enough to co-sign my mortgage! (Whitney Boyd)

8. My client Wesley Snipes said prison wasn’t so bad (Phil Defalco)

7. Would you like to touch my rubber thumb? (Lawrence Spielman)

6. I’m faxing over your 1099 form right now [makes faxing sound] (Gary Schatsky)

5. Care to make a tax-deductible donation to the Taliban? (Bob Manger)

4. Give me fifty bucks — I’ll make your taxes disappear (Andrew Ross)

3. Do you have someplace to stay until things blow over? (Sandra Bussell)

2. Ignore the blood stains (Richard Koenigsberg)

1. Ey, Nice W-2s (Andrew Rubin)

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Little Known Facts About Hell

Friday, April 5, 2013

10. Front door – Turkey; back door – Trenton

9. It’s loosely modeled after Kennedy Airport’s Delta terminal

8. Most people are there for loitering

7. Smells like a Yankee Candle store

6. People give away endings to films without saying “spoiler alert”

5. High temperature and humidity good for sinuses

4. Considering ban on large sodas

3. Everyone shares one bathroom

2. Waiters are extra-chatty

1. After recent takeover, was renamed “Trump Hell”

Top Ten Things We Will Miss About Jay Leno

Thursday, April 4, 2013

10. Whenever he used a “Headline” I sent in, I got a “Tonight Show” T-shirt

9. Now I’m the only guy in late night television who’s not a Jimmy

8. He looks damn good in denim

7. Driving one of his antique fire trucks

6. Playful spats with Gelman

5. If you broke down on the freeway, Jay was always there to help with a camera crew

4. Can’t remember the name of the bit, but it’s the one where Jay is walking

3. He’s mom’s favorite talk show host

2. I won’t be able to do this anymore (Dave does Leno impression)

1. Watching him interview big stars who won’t do this show

Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Traveling with Your Monkey

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

10. “When was my last tetanus shot?”

9. “Would it be easier to FedEx the monkey?”

8. “Why didn’t I think of this sooner?”

7. “Should I take my monkey out of school for this?”

6. “Are we visiting countries that consider monkey a delicacy?”

5. “Isn’t this the premise of every disease-outbreak movie?”

4. “Will other travelers mind the smell of monkey?”

3. “Should my monkey and I just take a staycation?”

2. “Do I have my monkey’s allergy medicine?”

1. “Germany is welcoming to monkeys, right?”

Top Ten Signs Your Baseball Team Isn’t Ready for the Season

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

10. Your first baseman is so fat, he’s also your second baseman

9. Your cleanup hitter has asked to work from home

8. Most of your players believe the uniform buttons in the back

7. Minutes before first pitch, clubhouse kid runs to Dick’s to buy bats

6. Already planning your October vacations

5. Most players spent off-season attempting to steal back their memorabilia

4. Opening Day giveaway is a letter of apology from the General Manager

3. Something is still not quite right with the big dance number

2. Team doctor: Conrad Murray

1. You’re the New York Mets

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