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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, David Letterman, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien and Craig Ferguson:

“Congratulations once again to the world champion New York Giants. They played a great game. Eli Manning now has two rings. Two! But that’s still one less ring than Newt Gingrich.” –Jay Leno

“In a huge victory for gay rights, a federal appeals court today ruled that California cannot ban same-sex marriage. If you want to respect the sanctity of marriage, ban Kardashian weddings, okay. Why don’t you ban those? Those do more damage…” –Jay Leno

“According to a study from Match.com, Democrats have sex more often than Republicans, but Republicans have better sex. Who cares? It’s always the voters who get screwed – right?” –Jay Leno

“Former presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is on the show tonight. If you know anything about this guy, he dropped out. But he’s a former governor, Ambassador to China, honest, kind, ethical, a good husband, and a good father. He never stood a chance.” –Jay Leno

“I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy on a package of underwear.” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney said he doesn’t really care about poor people. Now he’s backtracking, and he’s saying he connects with poor people. Yeah, the same way Tom Brady connects with Wes Welker.” –David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich says that people who ride on subways here in New York are the elite. I was on the subway today and one of the elites sitting next to me was smoking crack.” –David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich didn’t bother to campaign in Colorado, Missouri, and Minnesota. But he’s vowed to stay in the race until the Republican convention. However, Newt doesn’t have a great track record as far as sticking to his vows go.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Because of large crowds at his campaign events, Mitt Romney will now receive protection from the Secret Service. Not to be outdone, Ron Paul will now receive protection from a mall cop on a Segway.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The Obama administration has been slammed for a health insurance rule that forces Catholic organizations to provide contraception. Even more controversial, the church would also have to provide dim lighting, wine coolers, and an R. Kelly mix tape.” –Conan O’Brien

Rick Santorum says that he is what the Republicans really want. Mitt Romney says now that he knows what Republicans want, he can change to those positions. –Jay Leno

Romney was at a loss to explain why he dropped the ball. In fact, his wife is now blaming it on the New England Patriot receivers. –Jay Leno

Donald Trump announced he is building a new hotel four blocks from the White House. And with any luck, that will be about as close to the White House as Donald Trump will ever get. –Jay Leno

Jack in the Box just came out with a bacon milkshake. Why don’t they just change their name to Jack in the Coffin? –Jay Leno

Since yesterday’s primaries, Rick Santorum’s campaign has received $250,000 in donations. When Mitt Romney heard this, he said “$250,000? Oh, that’s cute.” –Conan O’Brien

A mother in China gave birth to a 15-pound baby. Chinese officials say it’s so big, it can do the work of two babies. –Conan O’Brien

A new product that’s coming out lets you consume caffeine by inhaling it. The product brings Starbucks one step closer to its ultimate dream, charging $9 for air. –Conan O’Brien

Mitt Romney lost all three of the primaries. Today, he begged Donald Trump to take back his endorsement. –David Letterman

It was a big setback for the Mitt Romney campaign. Even the very poor said they felt bad for him. –David Letterman

According to new research, playing iPhone games like “Angry Birds” and “Words With Friends” can improve your memory. Yeah, it can help you remember distant events like the last time you actually talked to a person. -Jimmy Fallon

Police in New York are looking for a bald man who stole three boxes of Rogaine. Yeah, he’s bald and doesn’t have the money to buy Rogaine, which explains who’s not looking for him — women. -Jimmy Fallon

Police in Kentucky arrested a naked man covered in chocolate and peanut butter after he broke into a grocery store. So I guess there is a wrong way to eat a Reese’s. -Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that the average guy will spend about $200 on Valentine’s Day this year. Yep, that’s 20 bucks for flowers and 180 bucks for last-minute delivery of flowers. -Jimmy Fallon

Tom Brady’s wife Gisele publicly criticized the Patriots receivers for dropping some of her husband’s passes. You know, it’s one thing when you get chewed out by your coach. But to get chewed out by a a supermodel, that’s got to hurt. –Jay Leno

Patriots coach Bill Belichick was not happy after the game. I haven’t seen a man that miserable come out of Indiana since Letterman. –Jay Leno

NBC charged advertisers $5 million for a 30-second spot — $7 million a minute. That’s almost as much as the Kardashian wedding. –Jay Leno

President Obama has ordered new sanctions against Iran’s central bank for engaging in deceptive practices. You know, I got a better idea. How about sanctions against our banks for deceptive practices? –Jay Leno

Madonna came into the Super Bowl halftime show carried by muscle-bound men. It’s a good thing she wasn’t carried in by the Patriots, because they would have dropped her. –Craig Ferguson

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, David Letterman, Conan O’Brien and Craig Ferguson:

“Mitt Romney is getting some heat today for something he said on CNN. He said he’s not concerned about the very poor. I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to say that out loud. Romney said the quote was taken out of context. And that he absolutely cares about the poor. In fact, his campaign bus runs on the tears of the poor.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“In Florida, Mitt Romney won the Republican presidential primary election. He beat Newt Gingrich handily. Political analysts believe that elderly voters in Florida rejected Newt Gingrich because of fears that he would eventually leave them for a younger state.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the Moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the Moon.” –David Letterman

“Romney won Florida. Have you taken a good look at Romney and his wife? They look like a couple in a Levitra commercial.” –David Letterman

“Mitt is the guy you think you look like. Newt is the guy you actually look like.” –David Letterman

“Not a great day for Mitt Romney. He put his foot in his mouth. He said in an interview, quote, ‘I’m not concerned about the very poor.’ Is anybody even trying to win this thing?” –Craig Ferguson

“To be fair, to Mitt Romney the ‘very poor’ means anyone who doesn’t use a solid gold toilet.” –Craig Ferguson

‎”Mitt didn’t just beat Newt Gingrich, he stomped him by a devastating 14 percent margin. Fourteen percent! That is higher than Mitt’s tax rate.” –Stephen Colbert

“A woman in Illinois is auctioning off a 2005 Chrysler that once belonged to President Obama. You could tell it was Obama’s car because it gets off to a fast start and then stalls for the next three years.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A new report found that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Newt Gingrich is not conceding Florida. He said that Florida has made it clear that this is a two-person race. Yeah, Mitt Romney and Barack Obama.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney’s campaign will start getting Secret Service protection this week. That’s just to protect him from Newt Gingrich.” –Jay Leno

“More problems for Newt Gingrich; he’s now been told that he cannot legally use ‘Eye of the Tiger’ anymore, so he’s switching back to Viagra.” –Jay Leno

“This is real; Newt Gingrich is being sued by the guy who wrote the song, ‘Eye of the Tiger.’ He’s using it in his campaign. Gingrich says he wants the song because he’s a big fan of Rocky. He loves Rocky. Did he see the movie? Didn’t Rocky lose to the black guy? Hello. Isn’t that what happened? Am I wrong?” –Jay Leno

“According to USA Today, more Chinese tourists are coming to America. They get to see things they’ve never seen before: the Grand Canyon, the Statue of Liberty, adults working in factories.” –Jay Leno

“The agriculture department says we now have the smallest cattle population in 60 years. That shows you how fat we’re getting. We’re close to putting cows on the endangered species list.” –Jay Leno

“It’s the first day of Black History Month. So if you’re watching me right now, it means you have completely missed the point.” –Conan O’Brien

“It’s being reported that California needs to raise $3 billion by March. This according to California State Treasurer Nicolas Cage.” –Conan O’Brien

“The government may be legally required to release a video of the Osama bin Laden killing. For some reason it co-stars Katherine Heigl.” –Conan O’Brien

“Despite his big loss in Florida Newt Gingrich vows to stay in the GOP race. And we all know when Newt takes a vow he really sticks with it.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama has been working on a new plan to boost tourism in America by making it easier for foreigners to get into the United States. We have that already. It’s called Mexico.” –Jay Leno

“After he wowed the crowd at the Apollo Theater with his singing voice, producers at ‘American Idol’ have invited President Obama to sing on their show this season. Not to be outdone, Ron Paul’s book will be appraised on the next edition of ‘Antiques Roadshow.’” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the Moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the Moon.” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney went to a McDonald’s and ordered burgers and fries and apparently everything was going well until Romney asked the cashier if she could break a $1 million bill.” –Conan O’Brien

“Studies are showing that Republican candidates are buying a lot of their ad time on the Weather Channel. You can tell because last night, the weatherman blamed the cold front on immigration and gay marriage.” –Conan O’Brien

“The government may be legally required to release the video of Osama bin Laden’s killing. President Obama said this would be unhelpful, inflammatory, and ‘Could you please release it two days before the election?’” –Conan O’Brien

“The Associated Press reports that China is greatly expanding its state television station. This is really good news for China’s No. 1 reality TV show, ‘Toddlers Making Tiaras.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Rick Santorum says Newt Gingrich is too hot, Mitt Romney is too cold, but he’s the ‘Goldilocks candidate.’ Yes, nothing gets voters excited like comparing yourself to tepid porridge.” –Craig Ferguson

“A lot of people want Gingrich and Romney to continue their attacks on each other all the way to the convention. These people are called Democrats.” –Craig Ferguson

“Newt Gingrich has been attacking Mitt Romney for being wealthy and having money in bank accounts in the Cayman Islands. See, that’s when you know you’re part of the top 1 percent, when your bank’s address has the word ‘island’ in it.” –Jay Leno

“But, Romney says he is not a creature of Washington. He has lived in the real streets of America. I believe it’s Easy Street, if I’m not mistaken.” –Jay Leno

“In fact, when Mitt Romney was young, he and his gang controlled their hood’s hedge fund.” –Jay Leno

“Ron Paul was not in Florida, he was campaigning up in Maine. They think he was afraid that if he went to Florida, they’d grab him and put him in an old folks home.” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday, Newt Gingrich accused Mitt Romney of running a dishonest campaign. Oh shut up! These are politicians. It’s like Willie Nelson yelling at Snoop Dogg for smoking dope. Shut up!” –Jay Leno

“Now, Senator John McCain has gotten into the act; McCain says that the Republican debates have turned into mud wrestling. To which Herman Cain said, “I knew I got out too soon!” –Jay Leno

“Over the weekend, Herman Cain announced that he is endorsing Newt Gingrich. Well sure, adulterers like to stick together. You never know when you need an alibi. You cover for me, I’ll cover for you.” –Jay Leno

“Today, Snoop Dog endorsed Ron Paul for president. Snoop said he likes Paul’s positions on everything from legalizing pot … to legalizing pot.” ” –Conan O’Brien

“A newspaper study shows that Republican candidates are buying a lot of ad time on the Weather Channel. … In fact, whenever the forecast calls for rain, they pay the weathermen to say, ‘Thanks a lot, Obama.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Obama goes for the youth vote answering young peoples’ questions on YouTube today. As result, Obama’s new poll numbers are 55% ‘LOL’ and 45% ‘Totally Gay.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Newt Gingrich picked up an endorsement from Herman Cain. It’s not unlike getting Carrot Top’s endorsement for an Academy Award.” –Jimmy Kimmel

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel and Craig Ferguson:

“Mitt Romney, whose father was born in Mexico, is now talking up his Mexican heritage. Not to be outdone today, Newt Gingrich said he once cheated on one of his wives with a woman named Juanita.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama will be going to Disney World where he’ll unveil his new plan to create jobs. And what better place for the president to talk about his jobs plan than Fantasyland?” –Jay Leno

“Sen. John McCain told Sean Hannity that choosing Sarah Palin was still the best decision he ever made. Well, today the Arizona DMV took away his driver’s license.” –Jay Leno

“A cardiologist now says that former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards’ trial has to be delayed because Edwards has a life-threatening condition. Hey, don’t all husbands who cheat have a life-threatening condition?” –Jay Leno

“Because of a protest, starting at midnight, Wikipedia is going to shut down for 24 hours. In fact, it’s 11:05, so you have less than one hour to get most of your facts wrong.” –Conan O’Brien

“At the last Republican debate, Mitt Romney talked about his love of hunting. In fact, Romney said on his last hunting trip, he shot three dear and fired two elk.” –Conan O’Brien

“King Jung Nam, the brother of North Korean leader Kim Jung Un, said that as a leader his younger brother will fail. When he heard this, Kim Jung Un was so upset at his older brother, he yelled, ‘I’m telling Kim Jung Mom.’” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is visiting Disney World on Thursday to promote a new plan to boost tourism. Of course, it’s going to be awkward when he walks into the ‘Hall of Presidents’ and sees them making room for Mitt Romney.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Obama doesn’t pay admission to Disney World. He just charges it to the China section of Epcot.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The State Department issued a new travel warning yesterday, urging U.S. citizens to avoid Syria. Yeah, it was part of a new set of warnings called, ‘Things you were probably doing already.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Jon Huntsman has dropped out of the race for president to return to his former job as the guy in the picture that comes with the frame.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“At the first Republican debate, they were standing behind podiums, then they had them at a round table, and then one night they had them in bunk beds.” –David Letterman

“Wikipedia is going dark to protest a bill that’s before Congress. I know what you’re thinking: ‘If Wikipedia is dark, who’ll supply America with bogus facts?’” –Craig Ferguson

“This SOPA bill is aimed at going after Internet pirates. Not old-school pirates, but the modern pirates, who use hard drives.” –Craig Ferguson

“On one hand, this bill threatens free speech, the bedrock on which this country is founded. On the other hand, it’s supported by Viacom, which owns CBS.” –Craig Ferguson

“The bill was cooked up by big studios who want larger fines for websites connected to piracy. People wonder why Hollywood makes such crappy movies and TV shows. It’s because they spend all their time preventing people from stealing the crap they’ve already made.” –Craig Ferguson

There’s a new app that lets you post a message on Facebook after you die. Now you can finish off that message you were typing right before you got into the head-on collision. -Jay Leno

According to a Washington Post poll, 84 percent of Americans do not approve of the way Congress is doing its job. Sixteen percent weren’t even aware Congress is doing a job. -Jay Leno

An intelligence officer with the Canadian armed forces has been arrested for passing Canadian military secrets to a terrorist group. I don’t know what’s more shocking, the fact that he did that or that Canada has military secrets. -Jay Leno

To protest an Internet censorship law, Wikipedia has shut down for 24 hours. So if anyone is trying to look up by bio on Wikipedia, I’m 31, an Olympic medalist, and married to Scarlett Johansson. –Conan O’Brien

To help working mothers in Indonesia, a company is providing breast milk couriers. What happens is the courier takes the milk from the factory where the mother works and takes it to the factory where the baby works. –Conan O’Brien

They found an opossum on the subway, and not only that, but in the opossum’s pouch, they found a loaded weapon. –David Letterman

Here’s what we know about the opossum. What they do is pretend to play dead so predators will leave them alone. Well, isn’t that everybody on the subway?  –David Letterman

From nose to tail, it was two feet long. And it was so big, at first the transit authority thought it was a small New York City rat.  –David Letterman

President Obama took Michelle out to a steak restaurant for her birthday, marking the first time in months the words “Obama” and “well done” appeared in the same sentence. –Jimmy Fallon

Last week, a British Airways crew mistakenly told passengers that their plane was about to crash into the ocean. They made an even scarier announcement later: “Your in-flight movie will be ‘Yogi Bear.’” –Jimmy Fallon

Yeah, the crew told passengers their plane was about to crash, but it turns out a flight attendant hit the wrong button. I don’t know what’s worse — getting lied to about crashing into the ocean, or knowing it happens so often there’s a button for it. –Jimmy Fallon

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day, a day everyone in my studio audience decided to celebrate by seeing the whitest man on television. –Conan O’Brien

According to a study, the third Monday in January is the most depressing day of the year. Yeah, especially if you’re a Broncos fan who supports Jon Huntsman. –Conan O’Brien

One of the products unveiled at the Consumers Electronics Show is a remote for your television that you control with your mind. When you think “on,” it turns on the TV. When you stop thinking completely, it turns on “Jersey Shore.” –Conan O’Brien

From 1934 to 1963, the biggest criminals in America ended up on Alcatraz. Nowadays they end up on Wall Street. –Craig Ferguson

Some of the guys who escaped from Alcatraz made dummies of their heads and put them in their beds to fool the guards. I did the same thing here last time I interviewed Regis Philbin. He never figured it out. –Craig Ferguson

The most famous Alcatraz inmates are probably Al Capone and Machine Gun Kelly. But I think Machine Gun Kelly was destined for a life of crime. –Craig Ferguson

Some big election news. Jon Huntsman has officially dropped out of the 2012 presidential race. Wow, not having Jon Huntsman on the campaign trail is gonna be like . . . Well, it’s gonna be like having Jon Huntsman on the campaign trail. –Jimmy Fallon

During a campaign event on Saturday, Mitt Romney reached into his pocket and gave cash to a woman who said she was broke. Which got awkward, when she was like, “I’m also lonely!” –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel:

“Fidel Castro declared that a robot would do a better job as president than Barack Obama. After hearing this, Mitt Romney thanked Castro for his endorsement.” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney had a huge lead going into the primary. It would’ve taken a miraculous, divinely-inspired comeback for anyone to defeat him. So let me be the first to say congratulations, President Tim Tebow.” –Craig Ferguson

“In New Hampshire, the Republican primary election took place. New Hampshire voters gathered to decide which middle-aged white guy looked best in a pair of pleated Dockers.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The New Hampshire primary is a tough one for the candidates who don’t do well because this is the night when many of them realize, ‘I served all those people pancakes for nothing.’” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I make my choice for president based on how well each candidate would handle an alien invasion.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Newt Gingrich thinks he’s the man for the job. He got an important endorsement from Sarah Palin’s husband, Todd. He has the all-important ’snowmobilers who wear sunglasses indoors’ demographic.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I came up with a great slogan for Romney. “It’s time to Mitt or get off the pot.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“You know the difference between Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Tim Tebow? When God tells Tim Tebow to run, he wins.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney says he understands the middle class, and that he knows it’s not easy keeping a roof over your family’s heads — as well as vacation roofs in San Diego, New Hampshire, and Park City, Utah.” –Jay Leno

“In Saturday night’s Republican debate, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Why Chinese? If you want to reach the American people, you’ve got to speak Spanish.” –Jay Leno

“While campaigning yesterday, Jon Huntsman said he was ‘ready to rock and roll.’ Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney said he was ready to ‘easy listen.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Jon Huntsman is surging in New Hampshire. And it lasts longer than four hours, he’d better call a doctor.” –David Letterman

“Ron Paul says that he has a big youth following. You can tell by looking at the guy he’s a regular Justin Bieber.” –David Letterman

“During yesterday’s debate, Mitt Romney said he wasn’t a career politician, and Newt Gingrich told him to drop the ‘pious baloney.’ Of course, when Romney dropped it, Newt was like, ‘Hey, you gonna eat that pious baloney?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“The national debt has reached $15 trillion — the size of the entire U.S. economy. Yeah, I don’t wanna say President Obama is out of solutions for the debt, but today he tried handing it off to Tim Tebow.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Speaking of Tim Tebow, his game-winning pass was apparently more popular on Twitter than the death of Osama bin Laden. Yeah, even bin Laden was like, ‘It was a pretty sick pass.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama met with the Dallas Mavericks to congratulate them on their 2011 NBA Championship. While Joe Biden met with the Globetrotters to congratulate them on that episode of ‘Scooby-Doo’ they did.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A group calling itself the Courage Campaign is trying to win support for a millionaire tax by running an ad showing Kim Kardashian. They want the Kardashians to pay more. This is part of the plan to raise taxes on the dumbest 1 percent.” –Jay Leno

“During the GOP debate on Saturday night, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Not to be outdone during the debate, Newt Gingrich ate Chinese.” –Conan O’Brien

“The defense department is trying to find out who leaked information to filmmakers making a movie about the killing of Osama bin Laden. Even worse, the name of the movie is ‘Harold and Kumar Kill Osama.’” –Conan O’Brien

“The British government has urged its citizens to abstain from alcohol at least two days a week. Or to make it easier to remember, whenever they brush their teeth.” –Conan O’Brien

“I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there.” –Craig Ferguson

Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won the New Hampshire primary last night. See, this is proof that even the multimillionaire son of a multimillionaire can beat the odds and run for president of the United States. –Jay Leno

Rick Perry was philosophical about it. He said, “Last week was Iowa. Yesterday was New Hampshire. ” He said at least it’s giving him a chance to learn the names of all the states. . –Jay Leno

According to the tabloids, John Edwards is going to marry his mistress, Rielle Hunter. Which means, of course, now he has to find a new mistress, and the whole thing starts again. . –Jay Leno

They’re considering legislation to make it easier for same-sex couples who get married in the nation’s capital to get divorced. Lawmakers say gay couples should be awarded the same rights as a Kardashian. . –Jay Leno

The thing I don’t like about Romney is that he’s not funny. For a while, the field was looking promising for late night comedians. –Craig Ferguson

Fidel Castro posted a blog entry this week titled “The Best President.” Castro thinks a robot would do a better job than President Obama. And if Mitt Romney wins, that could happen. -Jimmy Kimmel

A new study found that last year, America’s obesity rate actually went down. Yeah, the study was conducted by that one researcher: guy who hasn’t been to the mall in a year. –Jimmy Fallon

After Iowa and New Hampshire, Mitt Romney is now two-for-two. After his performance last night, Rick Perry’s campaign merchandise is now two-for-one. –Jimmy Fallon

There’s talk that MySpace is planning to launch its own Web TV service. And if you think that’s exciting, then you must work for MySpace. –Jimmy Fallon

Wal-Mart is now offering free tax advice at more than 3,000 of its stores. Finally answering the question, “Where can I get tax advice, kitty litter, and a shotgun all in one convenient location?” –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, David Letterman and Conan O’Brien:

“Political analysts are saying that Mitt Romney is having trouble generating enthusiasm among Iowa voters. Now, ladies and gentlemen, you know you have a problem when people in Iowa find you dull.” –Conan O’Brien

“There’s a plan for the Pentagon to cut almost half a trillion dollars from the military. The Pentagon plans to pay for future wars by divorcing Kobe Bryant.” –Conan O’Brien

“Today are the Republican Iowa caucuses. Or, as it’s also known, ‘old white guy Mardi Gras.’” –Conan O’Brien

“They say the Iowa caucuses are very important because they are predictors of the Academy Awards.” –David Letterman

“Forty percent of the people of Iowa are undecided about who to select as a Republican candidate for president. Thank goodness we have three dozen more debates.” –David Letterman

“I hope you all had a good holiday. I was in Scotland. I enjoy going back to the country where I was born. That must be what it feels like when Barack Obama visits Kenya.” –Craig Ferguson

“The new ruler of North Korea is Kim Jong Il’s son. That’s an amazing coincidence. The elections must have gone very quickly.” –Craig Ferguson

“The U.S. government is selling $30 billion worth of fighter jets to Saudi Arabia. Yeah, it’s part of a new initiative called, ‘Operation Regret This In Five Years.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama’s campaign has released a highlight reel of his top moments from 2011. The video’s a little weird. Halfway through, it’s taped over by Joe Biden’s recording of ‘Yo Gabba Gabba.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“2012 is supposed to be the year the world ends. Have you seen the national debt? If the world doesn’t end, we are so screwed.” –Jay Leno

Police have detained a suspect in a huge string of arson attacks. This guy was going around Los Angeles setting dozens of cars on fire. And he was setting the cars on fire the old-fashioned way: without a Lakers championship. –Jay Leno

The car owners whose cars were burned were really upset, except for the people that owned Kias. They were thrilled. –Jay Leno

It turns out the suspect in the arson fires is a German man who is upset about his mother’s immigration status. Apparently his mom didn’t know you could just walk over from Mexico. –Jay Leno

Rick Santorum’s campaign is celebrating the Iowa caucuses with a pizza party. Here’s the embarrassing part: It was delivered by Herman Cain. –Jay Leno

I have a New Year’s resolution. This is absolutely the last year I buy another one of those stupid Mayan calendars, okay? –Jay Leno

According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in the year 2012. Are you buying that? When’s the last time you even ran into a Mayan? –Jay Leno

Experts say traffic deaths are down because the bad economy means more cars are being repossessed, and all the unemployment means we don’t have as many people driving to work. So you know what that means? The White House economic plan is also their highway safety plan. –Jay Leno

Michele Bachmann pulled out of the presidential race and I just want to take a moment and say that Michele gave us a lot of material over the last eight months. –Conan O’Brien

In her concession speech, Bachmann said, “I mean what I say.” Then she thanked her speech writer, Popeye. –Conan O’Brien

There’s already controversy with the Iowa caucuses. About a half hour ago, they found eight more votes for Al Gore. –David Letterman

So now that Michele O’Bachmann is out, that leaves Mitt Romney with best hairdo. –David Letterman

How about that Rick Santorum? He came in second because he is the anti-Romney. Wait a minute. I thought Mitt Romney was the anti-Romney. –David Letterman

Last night, Rick Perry said was quitting the race. But then this morning, he said he’s staying in. Hmm. Going back on his word? Maybe he’d make a good president after all. –Craig Ferguson

They say the day people go back to work after the holidays was the most depressing day of the year. Funny thing. People who don’t have jobs are depressed because they don’t have one and those of us who do are depressed that we do. –Jimmy Kimmel

According to new poll done by “60 minutes,” 2 percent of voters believe that Mitt Romney’s real name, his real first name, is Mittens. That’s true. If Romney legally changes his name to Mittens, he’s got my vote. –Jimmy Kimmel

Dakota Fanning is on the cover of the new Cosmo. She’s only 17. To be on the cover of Cosmo, shouldn’t you be old enough to drink one? –Jimmy Kimmel

France apparently passed a new law that makes it harder to become a French citizen. Most people just get lazy and give up. At which point they’re named a French citizen. –Jimmy Fallon

A 99-year-old man is filing for divorce from his 96-year-old wife, making them the world’s oldest divorced couple. It’s got to be weird when a divorce lawyer is fighting for your kids to get custody of you. –Jimmy Fallon

A man in Maryland says a flashlight on his iPhone helped save his life after he got lost during a hike. If you think that’s cool, this morning the “Angry Birds” app on my iPhone helped save me from three awkward conversations in the elevator. –Jimmy Fallon

The History Channel is planning a new 12-hour miniseries about the evolution of humans. And this is convenient. If you missed the episode on Neanderthals, you can just watch the season premiere of “Jersey Shore” this Thursday at 10:00 p.m. –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some of the best jokes of the year from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Craig Ferguson and David Letterman:

”Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi said that people protesting against him are under the influence of ‘hallucination pills.’ In a related story, Charlie Sheen just boarded a plane to Libya.” —Conan O’Brien

”Mitt Romney was on the ‘Today Show’ and admitted he likes to read the ‘Twilight’ books and watch ‘American Idol.’ If elected, he would be the 1st Mormon and the 1st 13-year-old girl to be President.” —Jimmy Kimmel

”Anthony Weiner admitted to sending inappropriate messages to several women via Twitter, text, email, and Facebook. I think the lesson here is that if you’re going to send explicit pictures of yourself, send them through MySpace, where no one will notice.” —Jimmy Kimmel

”What?! The congressman had a sex scandal and had to apologize to Bill Clinton? For what?! Copyright infringement?” —Jon Stewart , on Weinergate

”This is why Twitter exists. Members of Congress can now send you pictures of their penises electronically. Remember the old days of Senator Larry Craig when you had to get in your car, drive to the airport, find the airport bathroom, try to figure out which stall he’s in, knock on the door…Now they send it right to your house.” —Jay Leno

”Osama Bin Laden’s supporters want to rename the Arabian Sea where his body was dumped Martyr Sea. Really? Martyr Sea? Hiding in your bedroom for six years? How about Chicken of the Sea?” —Jay Leno

”The boyhood home of Bill Clinton has been designated as a National Historic Site. It’s great, but I hope it stops there. Because there are a million places that can say ‘Bill Clinton Slept Here.”’ —Craig Ferguson

”Hillary Clinton says she and her family stay in touch by e-mailing a lot. Bill said, ‘Yeah, that’s why I’m always alone on the computer in my room, e-mailing my family.”’ —Jimmy Fallon

”Secretary of State Hillary Clinton made a speech urging Arab leaders to enact real reforms. Halfway through the speech, Arab leaders looked at each other and asked, ‘Why is a woman talking?”’ —Conan O’Brien

”On ‘Good Morning America’ yesterday, President Obama said that he’s confident that Anthony Weiner will bounce back. Great that’s all we need, a bouncing Weiner.” —Jimmy Fallon

”Last night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden was justified. I think his exact quote was, ‘I love all living things, but that guy was a dick.”’ —Conan O’Brien

”While covering the war in Libya Geraldo Rivera was shot at by Gaddafi’s forces. See, you never hear about the good things Gaddafi does.” —Jay Leno

”Egypt has responded to hundreds of thousands of protesters by shutting down the Internet. Just a word of advice: If you want people to stay at home and do nothing, you should turn the Internet back on.” —Conan O’Brien

”Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.” —Craig Ferguson

”A gay activist dumped glitter all over Newt Gingrich. He wants Newt to stop being against gay marriage. But Newt believes marriage is a sacred bond between a man and his wife and his mistress and the other woman he’s seeing on the side.” —Jay Leno

”If Trump does become president, I hope he puts a wig on his plane and calls it Hair Force One.” —Jimmy Kimmel

”The Wisconsin Legislature introduced a bill making it illegal to make a prank phone call. The bill is sponsored by State Senator Dick Hertz.” —Conan O’Brien

”Republican Congressman Tom Marino, who is on the Foreign Affairs Committee, said: ‘If we go into Libya, where does it stop? Do we go into Africa next?’ So, you see why he’s not on the Intelligence Committee.” —Jay Leno

”A reporter in Florida was forced into a closet by Joe Biden’s staff to keep him from talking to guests at a fund-raiser. The guy said it wouldn’t have been so bad if Biden wasn’t already in there for the same reason.” —Jimmy Fallon

”I guess ‘love child’ is a nicer term than ‘OK-Maria’s-asleep child.’ The woman was an employee. I’m not sure what she did, but I think she worked on Arnold’s staff.” —Craig Ferguson, on Arnold Schwarzenegger’s affair with his maid

”President Obama met with Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg in Silicon Valley yesterday. Zuckerberg said he could create new jobs. The bad news? They’re all in Farmville.” —Conan O’Brien

”President Obama filled in as the coach of his daughter Sasha’s basketball team. Sasha evidently listened to her Dad, because all she did was drive straight down the center and piss everyone off.” —Conan O’Brien

”Gadhafi said no sane person would join the protests against him. He then joined the protests against himself.” —Conan O’Brien

”Joe Lieberman announced he won’t run for re-election. In a related story, Steven Seagal removes himself from Oscar contention.” —Stephen Colbert

”Congressman Weiner is in a lot of trouble since he tweeted those pictures. But good news for him, he just found out he’ll be allowed to keep his porn name … Anthony Weiner.” —Conan O’Brien

”The Senate has sent President Obama a spending bill that gives the government enough money to keep going for two weeks. Our Congress has the financial planning skills of a college sophomore.” —Conan O’Brien

”Officials at BP have filed for permits to drill for oil again in the Gulf of Mexico. They say the oil is easier to find than ever because it’s mostly on top of the water.” —Conan O’Brien

”Yesterday Congressman Weiner contacted Nancy Pelosi to let her know he was resigning. Weiner let her know by texting her a picture of his penis cleaning out its desk.” —Conan O’Brien

”Apparently, Congressman Weiner has called Bill Clinton to apologize for his behavior. That’s when you know you have a problem. Your sexual behavior has offended Bill Clinton!” —Jay Leno

”President Obama is slated to appear on one of Oprah’s last shows. He’s hoping it’s the one on which she gives away 14 trillion dollars.” —Conan O’Brien

”It turns out that one of the women Congressman Anthony Weiner was communicating with was a porn star. When asked how it was possible to get involved with someone in such a sleazy business, the porn star said, ‘I don’t know.”’ —Conan O’Brien

”Members of Congress will still get paid if there’s a shutdown. So it will be just like it is now. We’ll be paying them to do nothing.” —Jay Leno

”Donald Trump insisted yesterday that he is not racist, because one time an African-American won ‘Apprentice.’ Because nothing says ‘not racist’ like making a black man run your errands.” —Conan O’Brien

”Prominent people are coming forward to attest to President Obama’s American citizenship. The governor of Hawaii just said he first met Obama just days after he was born. He knew it was Obama because he kept pointing to his diaper and calling for change.” —Conan O’Brien

”Congressman Anthony Weiner has just checked himself into a treatment center for people battling chronic sexual dysfunction. Checked in? He’s already there, it’s called Congress.” —Jay Leno

”Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with a maid, and now the kid is mad at her for lying to him all these years. She’d told him his father was an actor.” —Jay Leno

”The CIA is now arming the Libyan rebels, which means that in 10 years, we’ll be fighting them.” —David Letterman

”Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid now wants to outlaw prostitution. Let’s make politicians illegal and keep the hookers.  At least they’re upfront about screwing you.” —Jay Leno

”President Obama escalated the war in Afghanistan, he sent the Navy in to shoot at pirates in the Indian Ocean, and now he’s attacking Libya. It’s like he took the Nobel Peace Prize as an insult.” —Jimmy Kimmel

”There’s already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans.” —David Letterman

”George Clooney says he’s had sex with too many women to ever run for office. He was immediately made Prime Minister of Italy.” —Conan O’Brien

”The President of China is in Washington. It’s a bit like when you’re into your bookie for more than you can afford, and he stops by the house to say hello.” —Jimmy Kimmel

”Obama will participate in a town hall meeting hosted on Facebook. So just like everyone else in America, Obama will be on Facebook when he should be working.” —Conan O’Brien

”We’re fighting three wars now. Imagine how many we’d be fighting if President Obama hadn’t won the Nobel Peace Prize.” —Jay Leno

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson and David Letterman:

Well, folks, it’s that time of the year when the jolly man with the big belly stops by for his once-a-year visit. That’s right, Charles Barkley on the show tonight, ladies and gentlemen! –Jay Leno

Hanukkah celebrates the miracle when a few drops of oil kept a lamp burning for eight days. Doesn’t that sound like some kind of product made by the ShamWow people? –Jay Leno

A survey released today found that men spend twice as much on their mistresses for Christmas as they do on their wives. On the other hand, men spend half their income on the wives when the wife finds out about the mistress. So it all balances out. –Jay Leno

As they do every year, al-Qaida has threatened to disrupt and ruin Christmas. You know, we already have a group that disrupts and ruins Christmas every year. They’re called relatives. –Jay Leno

I found out my secret Santa was Kim Jong Il. Three days in a row I got sunglasses, then nothing. –Conan O’Brien

It’s been reported that Kim Jong Il’s son has been chosen as the new leader of North Korea, over his two older brothers. That’s right. They completely passed over Tito and Jermaine. –Conan O’Brien

Mitt Romney’s wife says her husband loves caffeine free Diet Coke. Or as it’s known in the Mormon community, the ultimate gateway drug. –Conan O’Brien

There was a big Internet rumor that Jon Bon Jovi was dead. That, of course, would mean that the band would be taken over by Kim Jong Jovi. –Conan O’Brien

Kim Jong Il made his staff call him “dear” and spent the day drinking cognac. It’s like I have a twin, ladies and gentlemen. -David Letterman

I grew up in Scotland in the 1970s. There was not much money. The most popular Christmas toy was probably a potato. –Craig Ferguson

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg apparently went hunting, killed a bison, nicknamed it “Billy,” then mounted its head on a wall. Yeah, then Zuckerberg was like, “Anyone else want to complain about the new Facebook Timeline?” –Jimmy Fallon

According to a new survey, the most annoying word of 2011 was “whatever.” Which is why I always go with the much less annoying option: “Whatevsies.” –Jimmy Fallon

In honor of Christmas, a town in the U.K. held a reindeer race on Friday night. And of course, it happened to be right when my Grandma was crossing the street. –Jimmy Fallon

I heard that the Kardashian family just released a special 3-D Christmas card. And this is nice — the card even plays Kim’s favorite Christmas song: “The 12 Days of Marriage.” –Jimmy Fallon

The FDA is now warning people not to eat raw cookie dough this holiday season. Is that how fat we’re getting in this country? Our ovens are too slow now? –Jay Leno

North Korea announced the passing of their supreme leader, Kim Jong Il. His younger son will take over. At first, there was speculation that power could pass to one of Kim’s two sisters, Kourtney Jong Il or Khloe Jong Il. –Jay Leno

When Rick Perry was told about Kim Jong Il, he said, “I never heard of him, but then again, I don’t listen to that rap.” –Jay Leno

During the debate the other night, Rick Perry compared himself to Tim Tebow. You know what Rick and Tebow have in common? Both their seasons will end before February. –Jay Leno

North Korean leader Kim Jong Il died of a heart attack. No one knows what triggers it. He had a lot of money riding apparently on the Denver Broncos so he was pretty upset. –Conan O’Brien

It is being reported that school children in North Korea were taught that Kim Jong Il did not ever use the bathroom. So today, most school children in North Korea assumed that their fearless leader exploded. –Conan O’Brien

I was at the airport and it is so cold out there that to keep warm, the TSA agents were actually putting their hands in their own pants. -David Letterman

Donald Trump said he was going to run for president and then he didn’t run. But now he may be serious because I understand he has demanded to see his own birth certificate. -David Letterman

Newt Gingrich is demanding that judges be arrested. I thought, “Whoa, that’s what two divorces will do for you.” -David Letterman

The White House already had its annual Hanukkah reception. Yeah, first Obama lit a menorah. Then Biden made a wish and blew it out. –Jimmy Fallon

Speaking of the holidays, the Salvation Army says that someone actually dropped a diamond ring into one of their donation kettles. Or as Kobe Bryant’s wife put it, “You’re welcome.” –Jimmy Fallon

Scientists just discovered that rats can actually show compassion. Which explains why this morning on the subway, I saw a rat give up his seat to an older rat with shopping bags. –Jimmy Fallon

Kim Jong Il, the crazy leader of North Korea who hate us, passed away over the weekend. And get this — his 28-year-old son, Kim Jong Un is taking over. It won’t be easy. He’s got some big women’s sunglasses to fill. –Jimmy Fallon

I’ve got to admit, Christmas is strange in Los Angeles. People in Hollywood marvel when they see the nativity scene because rarely do people in this town ever see a baby being taken care of by both parents at the same time. –Jay Leno

USA Today reports that the number of death row executions this year has hit a 35-year low. They attribute that to DNA evidence clearing more people and the fact that Rick Perry has been on the road campaigning. –Jay Leno

Gary Busey has just withdrawn his endorsement of Newt Gingrich. That’s when you know your campaign’s in trouble. –Jay Leno

President Obama now says he didn’t know how bad the economy was when he took office. And if it doesn’t improve soon, that’s what the next president is going to be saying. –Jay Leno

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and David Letterman:

Rick Perry has made so many gaffes lately, it is hard to tell if he’s running against President Obama or Joe Biden. –Jay Leno

Ron Paul is in favor of letting states legalize marijuana, prostitution, and cocaine. So even if he doesn’t win, that’s going to be one heck of an election night party. –Jay Leno

Employees at Pepsi who smoke have to pay $50 a month more for health insurance because of their risk to their personal health. Even worse, employees who drink Pepsi have to pay $100 a month. –Jay Leno

According to a Gallup survey, the average American man now weighs 196 pounds. The average American woman weighs 160 pounds. That’s up from 142 pounds just 11 years ago. You know what that means? Our fattest Americans have been eating the skinniest ones. –Jay Leno

According to a new survey, 75 percent of employees would rather get a cash bonus than spend time with coworkers at a holiday party. All I can say to my staff is, “I will see you at the holiday party.” –Conan O’Brien

A special Christmas episode of “Glee” featured Chewbacca. I thought that was weird because I always thought C-3PO was the gay one. –Conan O’Brien

Parents in a Connecticut town are upset because their children’s’ bus driver told the kids that Santa Claus is not real and that Jesus wasn’t born on Christmas. Then the kids got really upset when the driver told them, “And I don’t have a driver’s license.” –Conan O’Brien

Pippa Middleton made the list of Barbara Walters’ Most Fascinating People. Who could be more fascinating than someone who’s the sister of someone who married someone who’s famous for just being born? –Craig Ferguson

Some people are objecting to Donald Trump being included in the list. Not me. I’m glad someone is finally giving Trump a forum so he can express himself and get some attention. –Craig Ferguson

Barbara has been doing these specials for a long time. The first time she hosted, the No. 1 most fascinating person was Socrates. –Craig Ferguson

Rick Perry said there were eight supreme court justices instead of nine. But, in his defense, he did know there were only three judges on “Dancing With the Stars.” –Jay Leno

Perry also said the Obama administration sent $500 million to the “country of Solyndra.” If an energy company was a country, don’t you think we would’ve invaded it by now? –Jay Leno

Iran is now in possession of an American drone. When I heard that I thought, “Oh, my god, they captured Joe Biden?” –Jay Leno

According to a new survey, some people are waiting until after Christmas to do their holiday shopping. Yeah, these people are known as men. –Conan O’Brien

Newt Gingrich released a statement promising he would not cheat on his wife. Even better, he said he wouldn’t cheat on his next wife either, or the one after that. –Conan O’Brien

Pope Benedict announced he’s going to visit Mexico sometime next year. He will bring with him a message of hope for all the Mexican people. And then he will come to Los Angeles and give the same message to even more Mexican people. –Jay Leno

I looked all over Hollywood today and I was unable to find a partridge in a pear tree. But I did find a pigeon in a homeless person’s beard. –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald trump announced this morning that he will not serve as moderator at the GOP debate that was scheduled for Dec. 27. He said he had to cancel the debate because he may want to run as an independent candidate — and because only two of the GOP candidates decided to show up. –Jimmy Kimmel

This guy is something. He’s committed to the debate, he’s not committed; he’s running, he’s not running; he’s in, he’s out. What does he think this is, one of his marriages? –Jimmy Kimmel

It was so cold in Texas that death row inmates are cutting in line just to get the electric chair. –Jay Leno

In Hawaii this weekend, someone stole Lindsay Lohan’s purse with $10,000 in it. This was the second time the purse was stolen if you count the first time Lindsay grabbed it, you know. –Jay Leno

Luckily, she got the purse back, but the $10,000 was missing. It turns out the guy who stole it needed the money to pay off a bet with Mitt Romney. –Jay Leno

Mitt Romney tried to make a $10,000 bet with Rick Perry during a presidential debate. Well, who says the Republicans are rich snobs out of touch with the common man? –Jay Leno

A guy went loose in a mall in New Hampshire smashing things with a hammer and he’s charged with feeling like we all do in a mall around Christmas time. . –Conan O’Brien

Many voters feel that Mitt Romney is out of touch with real Americans after he tried to make a bet with Rick Perry for $10,000. When asked to comment, Mitt said, “I’m sorry, but that’s all I had in my pocket at the time.” . –Conan O’Brien

Iran announced it will not return the American spy drone it recently captured. Yeah, they’re also refusing to return the Limp Bizkit album they borrowed 10 years ago. . –Conan O’Brien

Today was Green Monday, one of the busiest online shopping days of the year. I’ll give you an idea of how busy it was. I was on the Wal-Mart website and I was pepper sprayed. –David Letterman

A woman was making meth in a Wal-Mart. But you know, it’s nice to know that something in Wal-Mart is made in America. –David Letterman

A lot of packages this time of year get lost. That’s awful. You’re promised something great. You wait and wait and wait. But nothing good ever comes. It’s like voting for Obama. –Craig Ferguson

Schools here in Los Angeles aren’t allowing Santa Claus to come into the schools anymore. Not because of religious reasons, but they claim he’s wearing gang colors. –Jay Leno

President Obama celebrated Hanukkah at the White House last night. He lit the menorah, and then Vice President Joe Biden came in sang happy birthday, and blew out all of the candles. –Jay Leno

A global study released just today found that happiness does not increase with the rate of economic growth. To which President Obama said, “See? That’s what I’ve been trying to tell people.” –Jay Leno

President Obama said he is “very concerned” about the European debt crisis. While Joe Biden said he is quote “very concerned” about the drop in Nickelodeon’s ratings. –Jimmy Fallon

A woman in Oklahoma was arrested for making meth inside a Wal-Mart. Or as Wal-Mart put it, “Told you we had everything!” –Jimmy Fallon

A man in Russia is filing for divorce, claiming that he doesn’t remember ever getting married. Yeah, it’s like the wedding never happened — which explains his name, Vladimir Kardashian. –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman and Craig Ferguson:

“An upcoming Republican debate will be moderated by Donald Trump. It will take place in the Trump Forum for the Future of Democracy and Casino.” –Conan O’Brien

“The day before yesterday, Herman Cain suspended his campaign. That is a shame. He touched so many people.” –Stephen Colbert

“Herman Cain announced Saturday he was suspending his campaign. He brought his wife with him, so apparently he couldn’t get a date. I guess he used up all his 9-9-9 lives. The closest he got to the White House was spending the night at Ginger White’s house.” –Jay Leno

“The good news: unemployment is down and people are out looking for work. That’s good news. In fact today Herman Cain applied at Domino’s, Pizza Hut, Round Table, and Little Caesars…” –Jay Leno

“Not surprisingly, Herman Cain suspended his presidential campaign. He made the announcement on Saturday…he brought his wife with him so apparently he couldn’t find a date.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama is getting some flak for his planned 17-day Christmas vacation. That’s a long time, 17 days. I mean, even Mary and Joseph only took the day off for Christmas.” –Jay Leno

“To save money, the U.S. Postal Service announced the end of next-day service. That’s a good way to get people to come back, isn’t it? Make your service even slower than it already is.” –Jay Leno

“Due to the bad economy, the Queen of England’s salary will be frozen for the next four years. In fact, to make ends meet the queen is thinking of having a yard sale. Getting rid of a lot of stuff they don’t use anymore, like Canada.” –Jay Leno

“We have a mayor here called Mayor Bloomberg and he’s a little man. And this is the worst time of year for the guy, as you can imagine because whenever he’s out walking around, everybody’s screaming, ‘Look, one of Santa’s elves!’” –David Letterman

“Herman Cain has suspended his presidential campaign, but he has asked the Secret Service if they could continue to provide him protection, at least until his wife cools off.” –David Letterman

“Everybody’s talking about the presidential election. And this is big: Two days after stepping down, there are rumors that Herman Cain is endorsing his former rival, Newt Gingrich. Not to be president, but to be his new wingman.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Even though Herman Cain is suspending his campaign, he’s launching a new website called TheCainSolution.com. Yeah, it’s the only political website that makes you click an ‘I’m Over 18′ button to enter.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Herman Cain made a major announcement on Saturday at the grand opening of his new campaign headquarters, announcing that he is suspending his campaign. It was a grand opening and a grand closing at the same time.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Now that he’s back home Herman Cain’s wife has a huge to-do list for him. 1. Clean out the garage. 2. Go live in it.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Cain blames a conspiracy by powerful Democrats who are intent on destroying him for these various allegations. I don’t think you can blame the Democrats. I’m pretty sure they were rooting for him in this particular case.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Over the weekend, Herman Cain dropped out the Republican presidential race. Cain said he wants to spend more time with the wife. Not his wife.” –Craig Ferguson

Here in Los Angeles, it was so cold that Christmas shoppers here at the Wal-Mart pepper sprayed each other just to feel the burn. –Jay Leno

Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich sentenced to 14 years in prison. This is the most disgraceful thing to happen to an Illinois governor since their last governor. –Jay Leno

According to reports, one of Moammar Gadhafi’s sons had an elaborate plan to sneak into Mexico. Authorities broke up the plan before it took place. Believe me, if there’s one thing Mexico will not stand for, it’s people sneaking over their border. –Jay Leno

There was an embarrassing moment for Rick Perry. He announced that it was the anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Jam. –Jay Leno

India has suspended its plans to let a Wal-Mart open in its country. The prime minister’s exact words were “India will make your crappy clothes, but we won’t buy them.” –Conan O’Brien

Someone hacked into Facebook and leaked Mark Zuckerberg’s private photos. When Zuckerberg realized someone had showed a blatant disregard for his privacy, he hired them. –Conan O’Brien

Rod Blagojevich is going away for 14 Years in prison. His barber got the death penalty. –David Letterman

Newt Gingrich did not make it on the Most Fascinating People list. He made it on another list of 2011 though: Most Fascinating Newts. –David Letterman

The former governor of Illinois Rod Blagojevich got 14 Years in prison. He will probably get time off for good hair. –Craig Ferguson

To give you an idea how long that is, take Kim Kardashian’s marriage and add 14 years. –Craig Ferguson

He was convicted of trying to sell Barack Obama’s vacant senate seat. If he had waited a few years, he could probably sell it back to Barack Obama. –Craig Ferguson

Alec Baldwin was kicked off an American Airlines flight yesterday. The good news is, it freed up three seats for standby passengers. –Craig Ferguson

The Library of Congress has partnered with Twitter to store every tweet ever posted in their archive of historical documents. So, this is what Congress is doing? –Jimmy Kimmel

The Library of Congress is home to some of the most important documents in history including the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and now it will so include tweets from Gretchen44, who likes strawberry balsamic vinegar on her salad. –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump is hosting a debate in Iowa, but so far Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum are the only presidential candidates to RSVP. Rick Santorum actually requested a plus one — you know, so he could bring all of his supporters. –Jimmy Fallon

This week, a designer in New York unveiled a bottle of perfume that costs $1 million. Yeah, a million bucks for a few ounces of liquid. Which explains its name: “Starbucks.” –Jimmy Fallon

Dr. Phil just revealed that he helped perform his own vasectomy 30 years ago. In related news, never make small talk in an elevator with Dr. Phil. –Jimmy Fallon

This month marks the 19th anniversary of the text message. Man, I can’t believe that 20 years ago, we didn’t have the ability to write someone and let them know, “Hey, just called you.” –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

(My computer was down last week so I didn’t get to post these jokes like I usually do on Friday, so here they are now.)

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel:

“Republican candidate Rick Perry is denying rumors that his top advisers are being demoted. Yep, Perry was like, ‘I want to make it clear that at no point in this campaign have I had any advisers.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“After two months, the LAPD broke up the Occupy protest outside city hall here in Los Angeles last night. Surprisingly, the police didn’t find any drugs on the premises, which means that the police are not very good at finding drugs.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Speaking of NBC, did you guys see this? Last night, Brian Williams continued with the ‘NBC Nightly News’ while a high-pitched fire alarm went off in the studio. Yeah, he kept talking over a loud screeching sound – or as that’s also known, ‘The View.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“I don’t know if you know the Occupy L.A. protesters have been evicted. They all were evicted. As of this morning, according to reports, and all that was left of their campsite was trash, empty tents and the smell of urine. Then someone pointed out that was not Occupy Los Angeles, that was Gary Busey’s house.” –Conan O’Brien

“Congress may allow Americans to start selling horse meat for human consumption. When they heard the news, McDonald’s unveiled their new breakfast offering, the Sea Biscuit biscuit.” –Conan O’Brien

“How many of you are here just because you got kicked out of Occupy L.A.? The police shut down the camp, so it’s time for the homeless people to go back to the public library where they belong. And at last the park can be returned to its rightful owners, crack salesmen.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Riot police arrested hundreds of people outside city hall, still less violent than Black Friday at every Walmart in America.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Occupy L.A. encampment is over and with it, the world’s longest hacky sack game comes to an end. Meanwhile, in New York tonight, the annual lighting of the Christmas tree. A dozen protesters are living in the tree right now. ” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Herman Cain said he’d only drop out of the race if his wife is no longer behind him. His wife said she’s always behind him, because there’s never any room under him.” –Conan O’Brien

“Three wealthy investors who are already worth millions won the $254 million Powerball jackpot.  In a related story, everyone’s head at Occupy Wall Street just exploded.” –Conan O’Brien

“With Herman Cain we’re up to he said, she said, she said, she said, she said, and she was paid not to say.” –Stephen Colbert

“President Obama will attend three fundraisers in New York City tomorrow to raise money for his re-election campaign. Seriously? How about holding a fundraiser to raise money for the United States?” –Jimmy Fallon

“I just saw this. Vice President Biden will travel to Turkey to speak at an economic summit. When he heard he was giving a speech to Turkey, Biden was like, ‘I am SO sorry about Thanksgiving.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“A woman said she had an affair with Herman Cain that lasted 13 years. I don’t know who the accuser is, but I think we can rule out Kim Kardashian.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Herman Cain is making news again. His poll numbers are down, but the number of women he’s polling is up.” –Jay Leno

“Herman Cain is now reassessing his candidacy. Apparently between his marriage, his mistresses and sexually harassing these other women, there’s no time to campaign.” –Jay Leno

“A woman in Southern California pepper sprayed her fellow customers on Black Friday at Wal-Mart so she could get an advantage while shopping. But the good news is, today she was offered a job with the UC Davis police department.” –Jay Leno

“The Christmas season has officially started. Today I saw Herman Cain wearing his mistletoe belt buckle.” –Jay Leno

“A woman claims she had a 13-year affair with Herman Cain. You know what that means? While he was fooling around with those four other women, he was cheating on his mistress.” –Jay Leno

“Well, the inside talk is that Sarah Palin is going to endorse Newt Gingrich. If you think Newt is happy, you should see Mitt Romney.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney admitted in People magazine that as a teenager he experimented with alcohol and cigarettes. He said at that age he could have gone either way…much like his political positions today.” –Jay Leno

“It’s Cyber Monday, when everyone shops online. As soon as I woke up I pepper sprayed myself.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama went shopping and he wandered into a book store. Rick Perry said, ‘When I’m president, that will never happen. There will be no book stores.’” –Conan O’Brien

“In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States.” –Craig Ferguson

“Over the weekend, President Obama took his daughters to a bookstore. Barack bought Malia ‘The Phantom Tollbooth,’ while Malia bought Barack ‘Economics for Dummies.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“That’s right, Obama bought eight books for Sasha and Malia. Yeah, I was reading all about it on China’s credit card statement.” –Jimmy Fallon

“I just heard about a woman in Germany who just gave birth to a baby boy named ‘Jihad.’ Or as the TSA put it, ‘Hope you like Amtrak!’” –Jimmy Fallon

Facebook could be going public, sparking one of the largest initial public offerings ever, which will value the company at over $100 billion. And MySpace also has some exciting news. They too are hoping to boost profits by having a bake sale this weekend which could bring in as much as $35. –Jay Leno

Authorities have discovered what they call the most sophisticated tunnel ever found underneath the U.S.-Mexican border, being built by a Mexican drug cartel. And Gov. Rick Perry asked the question we’re all asking: “Why can’t these tunnels be dug by hard-working American drug cartels?” –Jay Leno

I was in the supermarket today, and I saw some Occupy Wall Street protesters in the dairy department. They were protesting the 1 percent milk. –Jay Leno

One of the holiday decorations at the White House is a 400-pound gingerbread house. Isn’t that nice? And if front of that is a 400-pound ginger bread “foreclosed” sign. –Conan O’Brien

Los Angeles is being hit by some seriously strong winds at the moment. I’m just curious, how many people were here for “Two and a Half Men” and they got blown into this studio? –Conan O’Brien

In Utah a hunter was shot when his dog stepped on his shotgun. The dog later apologized and said, “Sorry, but you did neuter me.” –Conan O’Brien

There’s a man in Utah recovering from wounds after his dog shot him in the butt. The police think it’s because the man was wearing a Michael Vick jersey. –Craig Ferguson

It is the holiday season over at the White House. The theme for this year’s Christmas is “Shine, Give, Share.” While rumor is, the theme of next year’s White House Christmas will be “Clean, Pack, Move.” –Jimmy Fallon

Congress just lifted a ban on producing and exporting horse meat. Or as Taco Bell put it, “There was a ban on that?” –Jimmy Fallon

I heard that Facebook is in talks to launch an online gambling app next year. It’s a little weird. When you lose all your money, Facebook just repossesses your land on Farmville. –Jimmy Fallon

That’s right, Facebook is launching an online gambling app. Or you could just gamble the old-fashioned way: Get drunk and log onto Facebook. –Jimmy Fallon

High winds have been pummeling California for the last two days. It was so windy, all the women in Beverly Hills looked like Nancy Pelosi. –Jay Leno

The good news is, the unemployment rate has dropped to 8.6 percent. The bad news is, most of those require a sack, a red suit, and a beard. –Jay Leno

President Obama met with leaders of all the American Indian tribes. He promised to help tackle the challenges facing the Native American communities — like card counting. –Jay Leno

I think Herman Cain is getting a little desperate. He said if his wife forgives him, he’ll throw in free bread sticks, buffalo wings and a 2-liter of Pepsi. –Jay Leno

In a new interview, it’s revealed that Mitt Romney loves chocolate milk. While Rick Perry prefers milk like his poll numbers: 2 percent. –Jimmy Fallon

The Senate is doing its first-ever Secret Santa gift exchange this year. Yeah, there’s a $10 spending limit, but they plan to go $14 trillion over budget. –Jimmy Fallon

A police officer in Florida could lose her job after she tried to cast a spell on her boss. Yeah, when asked for comment, her boss was like, “Ribbit.” –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that Gmail users have the best credit, while people with Yahoo and Hotmail accounts have the worst credit. Or as people with AOL put it, “What’s credit?” –Jimmy Fallon

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