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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

Former Senator Pete Domenici of New Mexico revealed that while in office he fathered a child with the daughter of another senator, who was a friend of his. He cheated on his wife with the daughter of another senator and they had a baby. When did the Senate become “The Jerry Springer Show”? –Jay Leno

Domenici is defending himself by saying that he is no better or worse than the next guy. And he’s right, because you know who the next guy was? John Edwards.  –Jay Leno

The former San Diego mayor, Maureen O’Connor, told federal prosecutors she went broke after gambling away more than a billion dollars she inherited from her late husband at casinos playing video poker. But to be fair, at one point, she was up 300 bucks. –Jay Leno

Former Chicago Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. pled guilty to misusing hundreds of thousands of dollars of campaign funds for personal use, including buying a $43,000 Rolex watch. How ironic is that? All that money on a watch, and now he’s going to wind up doing time. –Jay Leno

I’ve got the latest Oscar buzz. Many Pakistanis are saying that “Zero Dark Thirty” contains factual errors. Then someone explained to the Pakistanis that being directed by a woman does not qualify as a factual error. -Conan O’Brien

It’s been reported that after the Pope retires he’ll receive a relatively small pension. So don’t be surprised to see an elderly German on the sidewalk with a sign that reads “Will Pope for food.” -Conan O’Brien

It’s being reported that the next Pope could be a cardinal from Boston. That means the Vatican may soon endorse birth control but only for Yankee fans. -Conan O’Brien

It’s still winter here in New York City. It’s 28 and bitter, like Lindsay Lohan. -David Letterman

They’re going to miss Pope Benedict. He’s very underrated. This is the guy who wanted to replace Communion wafers with unlimited bread sticks. -David Letterman

They’re looking for a new Pope. Each candidate will get a week’s tryout with Kelly Ripa. -David Letterman

A woman called 911 because she ran out of cigarettes. You don’t see me calling 911 because I run out of jokes, do you? Not anymore, anyway. -David Letterman

t’s a great day for the city of Los Angeles. We’ve become the first city to synchronize all of our traffic lights. This will make it easier to get downtown and watch the Lakers lose. –Craig Ferguson

Today the Bulgarian prime minister, Boyko Borisov, stepped down. He’s stepping down like the Pope, but with a funnier name and a smaller hat. –Craig Ferguson

I’m not sure who’ll replace Boyko Borisov. My money’s on Ashton Kutcher. –Craig Ferguson

Robert Plant told Australia’s version of “60 Minutes” that he’d be willing to reform Led Zeppelin. When I heard this, I said, “What? Australia has a “60 Minutes?” –Craig Ferguson

A woman in New York has been arrested for hiring strippers to perform at her son’s 16th birthday party. Even Dina and Michael Lohan were like, “That’s a really bad parenting choice.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Florida Atlantic University announced a new corporate sponsor for their football stadium. It happens to be America’s second largest operator of for-profit prisons. I guess they figured a lot of the athletes end up in prison anyway. –Jimmy Kimmel

The school, Florida Atlantic University, says very little will change. The only change they’re making is that hot dogs will now go for two packs of cigarettes. –Jimmy Kimmel

In November, Colorado voted to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. Currently, only Colorado residents can purchase marijuana in the state. But they may open it up to nonresidents too. The new state slogan is “Come for the legal marijuana, stay because you forgot to leave.” –Jimmy Kimmel

I guess to appeal to a younger audience, this year’s Academy Awards are just being referred to as the Oscars. And to appeal to an even younger audience, they’re spelling Oscar with a “z” — and backwards in crayon. –Jimmy Fallon

There’s talk that the White House may fine China for its recent cyber attacks on American companies. The fine could total in the millions of dollars, which is great because we could really use that money to pay back China. –Jimmy Fallon

In an effort to reduce its debt, the U.S. Postal Service is launching its own line of clothing and accessories. They come in one size, embarrasses all. –Jimmy Fallon

Over the weekend, President Obama played golf with Tiger Woods. Tiger said the president was a very good golfer for a guy who plays only five days a week. –Jay Leno

Actually, you know what the president’s handicap is? He doesn’t understand economics. –Jay Leno

Actually, Tiger Woods gave the president some very valuable tips. The most valuable one? Erase all of your text messages. –Jay Leno

You knew this was going to happen. Dozens and dozens of lawsuits have already been filed against Carnival Cruise Lines. Well, if you thought the ship was filthy, slimy, and disgusting, wait until these lawyers get involved. –Jay Leno

The Italian press is reporting that the next Pope could be the cardinal from Boston. If he gets the job, he’ll be the first Pope to make you kiss his 2007 World Series ring. -Conan O’Brien

A top food manufacturer is reporting that some of their pasta meals contain horse meat. So if I were you, I’d stay away from the “Rigatoni, My Little Pony.” -Conan O’Brien

In Massachusetts, a dad promised his daughter $200 if she would get off Facebook, which is ridiculous, because every parent knows the best way to get a kid off of Facebook is to join Facebook. -Conan O’Brien

Yesterday Burger King’s official Twitter account got hacked. When asked for comment, people who follow Burger King on twitter were too embarrassed to identify themselves. -Conan O’Brien

I have a special treat for the audience here tonight. Save your ticket stubs, all right? Somebody’s going on a Carnival Cruise! -David Letterman

The Pope, a couple of weeks ago, was fired. One day you’re the leader of the Catholic Church, and the next day you’re at Denny’s blowing on your soup. -David Letterman

Here’s one of the odd things about being Pope. You’re the Pope and you’re in your office and sitting at your desk, and on your desk is a photo of your boss’s son. -David Letterman

Pope Benedict is deaf in one ear. He’s deaf in one ear and also a little bit blind, but boy, he sure could play a mean pinball. -David Letterman

It’s a great day for a bunch of thieves in Belgium. They got away with more than $50 million worth of pure, uncut diamonds. This diamond heist is the biggest robbery ever pulled off at an airport if you don’t count them charging $25 to check a bag. –Craig Ferguson

The thieves got away in a minivan. Police are blaming the Serbian crime syndicate. In a minivan? I think it’s diabolical soccer moms. –Craig Ferguson

When I hear about a crime like this, part of me thinks it’s kind of cool. But it’s not right. Stealing is never cool. They took something without it being funny. This wasn’t “Ocean’s 11.” These guys just came up and took someone’s hard-earned money without being at all funny or cool. So it’s more like “Ocean’s 12.” –Craig Ferguson

In a new interview, Bill Gates said he’s not satisfied with the level of innovation at Microsoft. He would’ve said more, but he had to hang up the phone so his assistant could use the Internet. –Jimmy Fallon

Today North Korea announced that its tourism has steadily increased over the last 10 years. You can tell they’re trying to boost tourism with their new slogan, “North Korea: You’ll Never Want to Leave, Because We Won’t Let You.” –Jimmy Fallon

Reader’s Digest has filed for bankruptcy, just one week after the Pope resigned. Man, my grandmother hasn’t been this depressed since Michael Bublé got married. –Jimmy Fallon

Lawmakers in Montana are considering a bill that would make it legal for people to take road kill home and use it as food. When Montana residents heard that, they were like, “Wait, that was illegal?” –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

Lent officially began yesterday. Do you know what the Lakers are giving up for Lent? The playoffs. –Jay Leno

For those of you who are not Catholic, the idea of Lent is you’re supposed to give up something so you can experience suffering. Or you could just go on a Carnival Cruise. –Jay Leno

My heart goes out to those poor passengers stuck on that floating bedpan in the Gulf of Mexico. For four days, 4,000 people stuck on a ship with foul odors, the toilets aren’t working, and there’s long lines for food. And here’s the worst part. The karaoke machine is still working. –Jay Leno

Donald Trump called the Beyoncé Super Bowl halftime show “inappropriate” and “a national scandal.” Apparently, it lacked the quiet dignity of Gary Busey and Meat Loaf screaming at each other on “The Apprentice.” –Jay Leno

According to a new poll, a majority of women want their man to propose on Valentine’s Day. And the same poll revealed men would rather propose on April Fool’s Day. –Conan O’Brien

It’s day five of that Carnival Cruise trip. You know you’re on a bad cruise if you wake up on day two, you look out your little porthole, and you see the captain and the crew in a lifeboat. -David Letterman

There’s a giant asteroid hurdling toward earth and it’s 150 miles wide. The nation of Iran has solved the problem. They have launched a monkey into space where it will reflect the asteroid with a coconut. -David Letterman

Happy birthday to Mayor Mike Bloomberg, who is 71 years old today. They had a lovely party down at city hall. They have a big cake, and to blow out the candles the mayor stands up on a big stack of his money. -David Letterman

For me, the best Valentine’s Day gifts don’t cost anything because they come straight from the heart. That’s why I composed a special Valentine’s Day poem for you, my audience. “Roses are red, love’s but a fable. I’m really sorry you can’t afford cable.” –Craig Ferguson

Valentine’s Day is celebrated a little differently here in L.A. Nobody eats chocolate because of the calories, so people give each other tofu-shaped boxes filled with bean curd. Then they fantasize about what their Pilates instructor would be like if he was straight. –Craig Ferguson

I hear from a lot of women who swear they don’t care about Valentine’s Day. In my experience, you can tell how much someone cares about Valentine’s Day by how much they tell you they don’t care about Valentine’s Day. –Jimmy Kimmel

A survey by the national retail foundation said that some people even give their fish Valentine’s Day gifts. A good way to tell that you’ve lost your mind is if you give your fish a Valentine’s Day gift. –Jimmy Kimmel

Today was Valentine’s Day. And if you just found that out, that’s why you’re in trouble. -Jimmy Fallon

Taylor Swift’s ex-boyfriend Connor Kennedy was arrested yesterday for handcuffing himself to the White House gate to bring attention to climate change. He’s bummed about the arrest, but he’s glad to attach himself to something that won’t write a song about him. -Jimmy Fallon

Scientists have discovered a species of fish that surrounds itself with uglier fish in order to look more attractive. However, scientists could not identify which sorority it belongs to. -Jimmy Fallon

A man in Georgia was arrested for stealing a Krispy Kreme doughnut truck and leading police on a high-speed chase. The police charged him with one count of grand theft irony. -Jimmy Fallon

President Obama wants Congress to increase the minimum wage. Believe me, when it comes to doing the minimum for their wage, Congress knows what it’s talking about. –Jay Leno

As you know, the Pope is resigning. He said he feels there’s just no room for advancement. It’s a dead-end job. –Jay Leno

This Valentine’s Day, White Castle restaurants are going to offer a discount to couples who dine there. Yeah, because there’s no better way to tell a woman you love her than to pay even less at a White Castle. –Conan O’Brien

The Vatican said that as soon as the Pope resigns, he will no longer be infallible. The Vatican said it’s the same thing that happened to Oprah. –Conan O’Brien

The Republican response to President Obama’s State of the Union address was given by Senator Marco Rubio. It’s just one more example of rich white guys getting a Hispanic to do a job they don’t want to do. –Conan O’Brien

Experts are predicting that the success of Amazon is going to lead to the closure of many RadioShacks. When reached for comment, the CEO of RadioShack said, “Wait, there are still RadioShacks?” –Conan O’Brien

Welcome to “The Late Show,” ladies and gentlemen. It’s the best place to be if you’re giving up entertainment for Lent. -David Letterman

Big news coming out of the Vatican. Pope Benedict resigned. And they’re busy looking for replacements. The smart money is on Tim Tebow. -David Letterman

Did you see the State of the Union address last night? President Obama spoke for an hour. One disappointment: not one mention about the zombie attack in Montana. -David Letterman

A couple of days ago, an emergency broadcast in Montana announced that zombies, the living dead, had risen from the grave and were attacking the living. The police department received four phone calls. They received more phone calls when Hostess Cupcakes went out of business. -David Letterman

Last night while the president was speaking, the Westminster Dog Show wrapped up. The dog show and the State of the Union address are very different, of course. One’s a lot of yapping and prancing and sniffing. And the other is the dog show. –Craig Ferguson

If you’re a dog, winning at Westminster is like an actor winning an Oscar, a tennis player winning at Wimbledon, or an NBA player winning a Kardashian. It’s a big deal! –Craig Ferguson

Last night’s Best in Show was a little affenpinscher. It’s a German dog. The affenpinscher’s name is Banana Joe. Banana Joe’s being treated like royalty today in New York. This afternoon, he went to a steakhouse. Then he gets to spend the rest of the week serving as Donald Trump’s toupee. –Craig Ferguson

President Obama made the annual State of the Union address last night. Then Florida Senator Marco Rubio rebutted for the GOP. He said you can’t have a middle class without the rich. He’s right. Just like you need “Biggie” fries to have regular-sized fries. –Jimmy Kimmel

While Rubio covered a lot in his State of the Union rebuttal, everyone seems to be focused on him grabbing his water bottle. That’s what you get when you eat a whole bag of pretzels before a speech. –Jimmy Kimmel

How about the way Rubio never takes his eyes off the camera when he’s reaching for the water. It’s like, “Drop the gun on the floor. Put down the gun.” –Jimmy Kimmel

But what a night for Poland Spring water. You cannot buy that kind of product placement. At least I hope you can’t buy it, but in Washington, who knows? –Jimmy Kimmel

The trend this year is couples saying they don’t need to get each other anything for Valentine’s Day, because they love each other EVERY day. I think that’s sweet, but to all the guys out there watching, I just want to say it’s a trap! -Jimmy Fallon

Before the State of the Union address last night, President Obama did an exploding fist bump with Republican Senator Mark Kirk. Which really goes to show you — it doesn’t matter if they’re black or white, Republican or Democrat, politicians are really awkward. -Jimmy Fallon

President Obama also gave House Speaker John Boehner a thumbs-up before the start of his State of the Union address. Or as Boehner put it, “Beats the finger I usually get!” -Jimmy Fallon

A college student in Pennsylvania is suing her school for the C+ she got in a class. She said, “I’m suing whoever’s responsible for this!” And her professor said, “Don’t you mean WHOMEVER?” -Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

A new study says that working fewer hours can slow global warming. So you know what that means? President Obama’s economic policy is also his climate change policy. –Jay Leno

This is kind of disturbing. The Justice Department has concluded that the president can order drone strikes on American citizens. And today, Rush Limbaugh came out in favor of Obamacare. –Jay Leno

The U.S. Postal Service announced they are ending Saturday delivery of the mail. Now if you have a problem and you want to complain, you can email them at USPS.com. –Jay Leno

Some Democrats in Congress are now trying to change the marijuana laws, making it legal so it can be taxed and increase revenue. Is that what the government’s come down to now? We’re selling drugs to pay off our debts? When did Uncle Sam become Scarface? –Jay Leno

Next year’s Super Bowl is already in the news. It takes place in New Jersey. The NFL says it wants to prevent another blackout. This one involves keeping Chris Christie away from his microwave. –Conan O’Brien

Beyonce’s publicist is busy trying to get seven unflattering photos of Beyoncé removed from the Internet. The publicist is described by friends as hard working and new to the Internet. –Conan O’Brien

A member of Congress is criticizing Steven Spielberg after he discovered parts of the movie “Lincoln” are historically inaccurate — particularly the scene where Lincoln dies in the mouth of a great white shark. –Conan O’Brien

After the Super Bowl game, the winning team, the Baltimore Ravens, lost the trophy. But that’s not the only thing. The 49ers lost the trophy in the first quarter. –David Letterman

You know, something similar happened to golfer Tiger Woods. He lost a trophy wife. –David Letterman

In New York City this week, it’s Fashion Week. Remember, during Fashion Week, please, whatever you do, do not feed the supermodels. –David Letterman

In the last two months Fox News has fired Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, and Dick Morris, well-known political pundit. Well, great. Two more jobs lost under Obama. –David Letterman

It is a great day for fans of Monopoly — the game that introduced generations of kids to the concept of mortgage debt. –Craig Ferguson

Today Monopoly added a new game piece: the cat. The new piece was chosen after weeks of online voting. Is that a surprise? Whenever there’s a vote for something on the Internet, the cat always wins. –Craig Ferguson

To make room for a cat, Monopoly’s dropping one of the old game pieces. So the iron is going away. Take it from me. You should never put a cat and an iron together. No matter how wrinkly the cat is. –Craig Ferguson

You know what I never understood? — why they sell Ouija boards in the “board game” section. I don’t think that is really a game, is it? Nothing says “family fun” like communicating with the dead. –Craig Ferguson

A major announcement from the makers of Monopoly today. They’re retiring their least-popular game piece — the iron. It will not be a part of the game from now on. They have to keep updating these poor games to keep them fresh. Candy Land just changed its name to Fresh Organic Vegetable Land. –Jimmy Kimmel

Monopoly let people in 120 countries vote through Facebook. The choices for a new game piece were a diamond ring, a little robot, helicopter, guitar, and the winner which was a cat. This goes to show you if you let the Internet decide, it will always choose cats. –Jimmy Kimmel

I hope this doesn’t cause a problem with the little Scottie dog. I can’t have animals chasing each other on my board. –Jimmy Kimmel

Now what do you do with the Monopoly iron? There are still ways to enjoy it. You can use it as a paperweight for Post-it notes. –Jimmy Kimmel

PETA is criticizing Beyoncé for the leather costume she wore during the Super Bowl halftime show. Or as the ball that got thrown and kicked for three solid hours put it, “Yeah, THAT’S the leather you should be worried about.” –Jimmy Fallon

It was just revealed that the Federal Reserve was hacked on Sunday. It’s pretty serious. In fact, they say the hackers could’ve made off with as much as negative $14 trillion. –Jimmy Fallon

After thousands of people voted on Facebook, Monopoly is replacing its iron game piece with a cat. And if that surprises you, remember — these are the people who had enough free time to vote on a new Monopoly game piece. –Jimmy Fallon

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un recently got a smart phone. And you can tell it’s a smart phone because today it left North Korea. –Jimmy Fallon

People are still trying to figure out why the power went out Sunday at the Super Bowl. Today they found out the reason. Turns out China cut off the electricity for nonpayment of our bill. –Jay Leno

CBS is now facing a possible fine because Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco was overheard dropping the F-bomb on the air. CBS is arguing they could not have foreseen this happening — you know, someone on the Ravens breaking the law who isn’t Ray Lewis. –Jay Leno

In Great Britain the bones of King Richard III, who was killed in 1485, have been discovered under a parking lot. And you know how he died? Fighting over a parking space. –Jay Leno

According to a new traffic study, it takes longer to get to work in Washington, D.C., than any other city in the country. On the other hand, they don’t do any work once they get there, so it’s pretty much a wash. –Jay Leno

What a kooky Super Bowl it was. Strange stories keep coming out. During the Ravens’ celebration, it was revealed the Super Bowl trophy went missing. Coach John Harbaugh called his mother and said, “Make Jim give it back. Make him give it back now!” –Conan O’Brien

After the game, Super Bowl quarterback Joe Flacco announced his wife’s pregnant. In response, Dan Marino said, “I can explain.” –Conan O’Brien

A Justice Department memo claims that President Obama has the right to order the assassination of an American anywhere in the world. Isn’t that crazy? In a related story, Donald Trump has gone into hiding. –Conan O’Brien

Scientists have found the remains of England’s King Richard III under a parking lot. Unfortunately, they couldn’t find his ticket. So he’ll be charged the day rate. –Conan O’Brien

They had the Super Bowl blackout and now we’re learning that they also lost the Super Bowl trophy. The Lombardi Trophy — they give you that giant silver football, and now it’s missing. So that explains the blackout. It was a heist! –David Letterman

You don’t know you’re old until you try to participate in current culture. I’ll give you an example. I’m watching the Super Bowl and the lights go out. Out of force of habit in my own home I try to clap them back on. –David Letterman

The power went out for 35 minutes in the Superdome. It was the most highly viewed power outage since Obama’s first debate with Romney. –David Letterman

The Canadians got rid of their penny today. There are no more one-cent coins in Canada. So now if you’re in Canada, and say to someone “a penny for your thoughts,” that is now illegal. They will put you in jail. –Craig Ferguson

Canadians have a one-dollar coin. They call it the loonie. Here in America, the loonie is what we call Mel Gibson. –Craig Ferguson

Remember the expression, “Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you’ll have good luck?” Well, what are they supposed to do in Canada now? Without the penny, everyone in Canada is now doomed to a luck-free life of clean air, civilized social discourse, and free health insurance. –Craig Ferguson

A French tattoo artist met a young lady and less than 24 hours after they met, she allowed him to tattoo his name on her face. That means she either really loves him or really hates her parents. –Jimmy Kimmel

They say they’re planning to get married. Once you get a name tattooed on your face, you might as well give it a shot. –Jimmy Kimmel

On the bright side, if the marriage doesn’t work out . . . Well, actually there is no bright side, so good luck. –Jimmy Kimmel

The White House is warning North Korea that it will face significant consequences if it moves forward with a new round of nuclear tests. Not only that — it’s also warning South Korea that it will face serious consequences if Psy makes another ad for pistachios. –Jimmy Fallon

Pakistan is opening an amusement park and a zoo in the same town where the raid on Osama Bin Laden took place. The zoo is pretty cool, but I’ve heard you won’t be able to see the seals until it’s too late. –Jimmy Fallon

The Department of Justice is trying to block Anheuser-Busch from buying Corona. So they did what everyone else does — got their older brother to buy it for them. –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

Zimbabwe’s finance minister revealed yesterday that his country has only $217 left in the government Treasury. Today President Obama said, “Stop bragging!” –Jay Leno

Yesterday President Obama went to Las Vegas and spoke about his new immigration plan. Afterwards he was harshly criticized by the locals for speaking in English. –Jay Leno

The Senate has overwhelmingly approved John Kerry as the next secretary of state. In his farewell speech today to the Senate, Kerry spoke for 51 minutes. So, apparently he does believe in torture. –Jay Leno

John Kerry is the first white male to hold that job since 1997. So finally middle-aged white guys with gray hair are breaking through the glass ceiling. –Jay Leno

The head coaches for the Super Bowl are two brothers, Jim and John Harbaugh. Their mother promises that whatever the outcome she is going to call the loser after the game and telling him he was adopted. –Conan O’Brien

China is launching their own version of the TV show “Friends.” Six attractive young people live together in an iPad factory. They get yelled at if they don’t work fast enough. . –Conan O’Brien

A new study has found that leafy greens are the leading cause of food poisoning. In other words, Americans have nothing to worry about. . –Conan O’Brien

More trouble in the world of big-time athletics and steroid use. Turns out now that Alex Rodriguez may have been using performance-enhancing drugs for quite a long time. Calling Oprah! –David Letterman

A new show premiered tonight on the FX network called “The Americans.” It’s about Russian spies embedded in Washington, D.C., during the Cold War. They’re Russian agents who look like us, talk like us, but all of their relationships are based on a big lie. These days that only happens to college football players. –Craig Ferguson

Keri Russell stars in “The Americans.” She plays what intelligence services call a “sleeper agent.” That’s the kind of spy I’d want to be, a sleeper agent. My skill — taking naps in five languages. –Craig Ferguson

I don’t think I’d make a good spy. All that lying, duplicity, pretending to be someone you’re not. No, I prefer good old-fashioned honest Hollywood. –Craig Ferguson

The first episode of this spy show was great. Their mission was to fake a drivers license for a young socialist Kenyan boy living in Hawaii. –Craig Ferguson

We are four days away from the Super Bowl. Super Bowl parties are a lot of fun. It’s also a really great way to give your friends all the flu at once. –Jimmy Kimmel

On Sunday the San Francisco 49ers battle the Baltimore Ravens. A study conducted by a religious research institute says 27 percent of Americans believe God has a hand in determining which team wins. So if you’re praying for a new kidney this Sunday, sorry, God has the Ravens and the 49ers. –Jimmy Kimmel

Of course God cares about football. He created a girlfriend for Manti Te’o out of nothing. –Jimmy Kimmel

If God really is influencing NFL games, that would mean he isn’t in church on Sunday, so why should I go? –Jimmy Kimmel

The Super Bowl between the San Francisco 49ers and Baltimore Ravens is this weekend. The big news today is that Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis may have used a performance-enhancing substance called deer antler extract. That explains how Lewis has been preparing for the game — staring into a set of headlights. –Jimmy Fallon

A zoo in California announced that its monkey has randomly picked the 49ers to win the Super Bowl. And not surprisingly, the zoo’s deer picked Ray Lewis and the Ravens. –Jimmy Fallon

An employee of the U.S. Postal Service is retiring after 44 years without using any of her sick days. Friends describe her as “dedicated,” while co-workers describe her as “that lady who gave me the flu.” –Jimmy Fallon

The Boy Scouts of America is now considering an end to its longstanding policy of banning gay scouts. How about that? And the girl scouts have a new policy during cookie season. It’s called “Don’t ask, just sell.” –Jay Leno

The whole world is changing. In fact, today, the Olympic Committee said soon they may allow straight male figure skaters. –Jay Leno

According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other 50 percent think it isn’t. –Jay Leno

According to reports from a journal called Psychological Science, people eat more junk food and gain weight during tough economic times. How ironic is that? The biggest obstacle to Michelle Obama’s war on obesity is President Obama’s economic policy. –Jay Leno

This will be the first Super Bowl ever where the head coaches are brothers. Jackie Harbaugh, their mother, said she would like the game to end in a tie. However, just to be safe, she’s got 20 grand on the Ravens. –Conan O’Brien

This weekend the Pope released a dove from his window only to see it get viciously attacked by a sea gull. So either there is no God or there is a God and he’s hilarious. –Conan O’Brien

Ben and Jerry’s has announced a new flavor based on a popular TV show. But I’m not sure people want a scoop of Law and Order: Special Victims’ Yogurt. –Conan O’Brien

The Super Bowl is on Sunday and both teams are coached by Harbaughs. I’m sick and tired of hearing about Harbaughs. They’re now getting their own shows, “The Harbaughs” and “Keeping Up With the Harbaughs.” –David Letterman

New York City is always striving to improve the quality of life here. Now they’re taking down all of the street signs on poles in the city because of clutter. Radioactive steam — not a problem. City buses disappearing into potholes — not a problem. Meth labs on every corner — not a problem. Meat vendors selling squirrel — not a problem. –David Letterman

Manti Te’o was a standout college football player in love with a young girl that he’s never seen or met. So the kid goes on Katie Couric’s show and says his life has changed because of this. Now he’s everywhere. Tomorrow he’ll be on Rachael Ray’s show. He’ll be cooking imaginary coconut prawns. –David Letterman

It is a great day for two American icons who share a birthday today. The ruler of Hawaii, Tom Selleck, and the ruler of the rest of the world, Oprah Winfrey. –Craig Ferguson

What do you buy Oprah Winfrey for her birthday? She has everything — except a successful TV network. –Craig Ferguson

Oprah was in the news recently for her Lance Armstrong interview. It was TV at its most powerful. Armstrong tearfully admitted to using steroids, and Oprah reciprocated by tearfully admitting she once had to pump her own gas. –Craig Ferguson

I greatly respect Oprah because she is from a tough background. Her story’s fantastic. She was born dirt poor in the Deep South, then went on to help millions. She was her generation’s Honey Boo Boo. –Craig Ferguson

Kim and Kourtney Kardashian are here, and so is Kim’s unborn baby. So technically tonight, we have two and a half Kardashians — which is a show that CBS should make immediately. –Jimmy Kimmel

According to multiple reports, singers Chris Brown and Frank Ocean got into a tussle over a parking spot on Sunday night. Chris posted a painting on Instagram last night comparing himself to Jesus on the cross. Fighting guys in parking lots: That’s so Jesus. –Jimmy Kimmel

Apple unveiled a new version of the iPad today. This iPad has all the same features as the last iPad plus more memory. It comes with a trash can for you to store all the iPads that you already have. –Jimmy Kimmel

At this point, I would like to have Apple just set up a system where we send them a check for $700 every four to six months and they just promise not to make new things. –Jimmy Kimmel

“60 Minutes” anchor Steve Kroft is defending Sunday’s interview with President Obama and Hillary Clinton, saying that he didn’t have enough time to ask hard-hitting questions. That would be easier to believe if the name of his show wasn’t the amount of time he had. –Jimmy Fallon

The president just announced that same-sex couples will be included in his immigration reform bill. When they heard, same-sex couples were like, “You know we’re already citizens, right?” –Jimmy Fallon

Today was media day for Super Bowl XLVII, and both teams shared their predictions for Sunday’s game. It was pretty crazy. One team thinks THEY’RE going to win — but the other team thinks THEY’RE going to win. –Jimmy Fallon

Speaking of the Super Bowl, 49ers wide receiver Randy Moss told his teammates that they are in New Orleans on a business trip and they’re not there to have fun. Then he went back to his job: catching a ball for money. –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Kimmel and Stephen Colbert:

Joe Biden made another one of his famous gaffes on camera Monday, saying he was proud to be president of the United States. I guess he forgot he wasn’t at home standing in front of the bathroom mirror. –Jay Leno

In his inaugural address, President Obama praised the patriots of 1776, and said they were much better than the Patriots of last Sunday. –Jay Leno

There’s been a lot of criticism over the NFL for not hiring enough minority coaches. And, of course, the NFL is trying to spin it. They said, “What are you talking about? We got two brothers coaching the Super Bowl.” –Jay Leno

According to a new study out of the University of Wisconsin, as much as 81 percent of people lie on online dating websites. To which Notre Dame’s Manti Te’o said, “Now you tell me!” –Jay Leno

Steven Tyler defended Beyoncé after she lip-synced at President Obama’s inauguration. That’s right. Steven said, “I know how she feels. I did the same thing at Harry Truman’s inauguration.” –Conan O’Brien

Arnold Schwarzenegger signed on to a brand-new “Terminator” film. Now, due to his age, this one features the catchphrase, “I’ll be back, right after ‘Wheel of Fortune.’” –Conan O’Brien

In Japan a senior official is in trouble for saying in order to save money, elderly people should, quote, “Hurry up and die.” Of course, if he loses his job, he has a bright future writing Mother’s Day cards. –Conan O’Brien

Make sure to watch this show tomorrow night, because for the first time in 10 years, Matt Damon will be my guest. You may know Matt as the least-talented member of the cast of “Ocean’s 11.” –Jimmy Kimmel

We had a hard time squeezing him into the show since 1993, but tomorrow night it happens. The Garfunkel to Ben Affleck’s Simon, Matt Damon will be here. –Jimmy Kimmel

Justin Bieber just surpassed Lady Gaga as the most followed person on Twitter. Justin now has 33,410,000 — 28,000 more than Lady Gaga. If you want to confuse your grandfather, wake him up right now and scream, “Bieber beat Gaga on Twitter!” He’ll think you’re possessed. –Jimmy Kimmel

Justin Bieber reminds me a lot of myself at that age except instead of 33 million followers, it was two followers. Instead of Twitter followers, it was employees of a comic book store following me to make sure I didn’t steal anything. –Jimmy Kimmel

“Where did we go wrong? The Republicans had everything going for them – a terrible economy, an unpopular incumbent, and a positive message for the American voter: ‘less than half of you are parasites.’” –Stephen Colbert

“At the inaugural ball, President Obama was caught doing some very stiff and awkward dance moves. In other words, Obama is already reaching out to Republicans.” –Conan O’Brien

“Video game-maker Atari has filed for bankruptcy. Atari fans are so upset they’re organizing a massive letter-writing campaign to President Reagan.” –Conan O’Brien

“On the news they made a big deal out of the fact that four years ago there were twice as many people at President Obama’s first inauguration than there was at this one. That’s because four years ago, twice as many people could afford to stay in hotels.” –Jay Leno

“Actually, you know who gave the shortest inauguration speech in history? George Washington. It was only like three minutes long. Well, sure. George Washington couldn’t tell a lie.” –Jay Leno

“The CEO of Whole Foods is criticizing Obamacare, once again calling it fascism. He did this before when he called it socialism. And he said the problem with socialism is eventually you run out of other people’s money. As opposed to shopping at Whole Foods, where you eventually run out of your own money.” –Jay Leno

“The post office may sue Lance Armstrong for all of the money they spent sponsoring his team. In fact, after all these lawsuits, they say that Lance Armstrong could end up as broke as the post office.” –Jay Leno

“More than a million people gathered in our nation’s capital yesterday, and tens of millions more watched from home to celebrate the first lady’s new haircut.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Most people seem to like the hair style, though some Republicans are demanding further cuts. But bangs aren’t easy to pull off. As far as I know, the only other women who have done it successfully this decade are Jessica Biel and Justin Bieber.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The president gave a brief but powerful speech. He did not shy away from the many challenges he faces: a massive federal deficit, a conservative majority in the House, an aging population, runaway entitlements, humongous ears.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Today’s inauguration marked the first time ever a president used the word gay in an inauguration speech. It was the part of the speech where Obama pointed at the Washington moment and said, ”Whoever designed that thing must have been pretty gay.’” –Conan O’Brien

“During the inauguration, Good Morning America host George Stephanopoulos gave a shout-out to who he thought was Morgan Freeman, but was actually Celtics great Bill Russell. Stephanopoulos then went on to say he was so excited to be at Denzel Washington’s inauguration.” –Conan O’Brien

“During the inauguration, a teenage boy was spotted flirting with Malia Obama. At this moment, the boy is being flown to a remote location in Afghanistan.” –Conan O’Brien

“Vice President Joe Biden was also sworn in for his second term today. Biden swore on the Bible to uphold the Constitution and to keep doing whatever it is I do.’” –Conan O’Brien

“In his inaugural address, President Obama said America’s possibilities are limitless. Unfortunately at that moment Lance Armstrong shouted out, ‘That’s what I used to think.” –Conan O’Brien

“There once was a man name Barack,
Whose re-election came as a shock.
He raised the taxes I pay,
And then turned marriage gay.
And now he’s coming after your glock.” –Stephen Colbert

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

President Obama said this week that he wants to find a “pathway for citizenship” for immigrants in the United States. Don’t we have that? It’s called the Rio Grande River. –Jay Leno

Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn’t have happened if those fish had guns. –Jay Leno

Ann Romney, the wife of Mitt Romney, has reportedly turned down a chance to appear on “Dancing With the Stars.” Apparently, she has something called “self-respect.” –Jay Leno

It seems a doctor in Germany is being sued by the family of a patient who died after 16 items were left inside of him after the surgery. The doctor said he felt terrible. He tried to call the family but couldn’t find his cell phone. –Jay Leno

A health advocacy group has criticized The Cheesecake Factory for offering meals that contain over 3,000 calories. Today the CEO of The Cheesecake Factory said, “What part of factory of cheese and cake don’t you understand?” –Conan O’Brien

That’s like going to Fat Burger and complaining. –Conan O’Brien

The director of “Zero Dark Thirty” has come out against torture. And the director of “Lincoln” has come out against going to the theater in 1865. –Conan O’Brien

An American worker was arrested for paying someone in China to do his job for him. The man is being called lazy, irresponsible, and three years ahead of his time. –Conan O’Brien

Over the weekend, during a routine cleanup, park crews discovered a cannon from the Revolutionary War that was still loaded. Old, loaded, and ready to go — it’s like me before the show. –David Letterman

They said the cannon was deadly, dangerous, and could blow up just like that. But don’t worry. New York City police did what they could. They put out one of those orange cones. –David Letterman

“American Idol” starts tonight. This is the third season without Simon Cowell. People thought the show wouldn’t survive without him. And those people are called “Simon Cowell.” –Craig Ferguson

I’m sorry if I seem a little distracted; I just confessed to Oprah that when I played T-ball in kindergarten, I was on Juicy-Juice. –Jimmy Fallon

Oprah’s big interview with Lance Armstrong is getting a lot of attention. Oprah said she prepared 112 questions. The first question was, “Did you use steroids?” while the next 111 questions were, “Oh, come on. You used steroids, right?” –Jimmy Fallon

A week after saying, “I’m not leaving Oregon for the NFL,” Chip Kelly has agreed to be the head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles. Even Lance Armstrong was like, “Pick a story and stick with it.” –Jimmy Fallon

The beginning of the movie “Lincoln” has been slightly changed to explain the Civil War to foreign audiences. Or as Lincoln put it, “I would have preferred a different ENDING.” –Jimmy Fallon

Lance Armstrong confessed during his interview with Oprah Winfrey that he did use performance-enhancing drugs to win the Tour de France seven times. This came as a complete shock to as many as a dozen people. –Jay Leno

Although he denied it for years, it was starting to become obvious. Like that one year he won the race on the stationary bike. Remember that? –Jay Leno

Lance said that he felt like a great weight had been lifted — a huge, oversized weight that he never could have lifted naturally. –Jay Leno

The interview with Oprah will air on Thursday. Then on Friday, Lance will appear on a very special episode of “Cheaters.” –Jay Leno

Oprah Winfrey says she conducted “an intense two and a half hour interview with Lance Armstrong.” Oprah said she never would have had the stamina if Lance wouldn’t have given her something to keep going. –Conan O’Brien

President Obama told Congress it must raise our debt limit because the U.S. “is not a deadbeat nation.” Then the president added, “By the way, if China calls, I’m not here.” –Conan O’Brien

Wal-Mart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Wal-Mart is going to invade Costco. –Conan O’Brien

Actress Megan Fox compared fame to being bullied in high school. I agree. I’ll never forget that day in high school when jocks cornered me in the gym and paid me millions of dollars to star in “Transformers.” –Conan O’Brien

Wikipedia celebrates its 12th birthday today. Of course, I have no idea if it’s true. I read it on Wikipedia. –Craig Ferguson

Lance Armstrong admitted he used performance-enhancing drugs throughout his career. He confessed in front of the most respected judge in the land, Oprah Winfrey. –Craig Ferguson

His interview with Oprah lasted almost three hours. At one point Lance said he propagated one of the greatest frauds in American history. And Oprah said, “Whoa. Easy there. I’m the one who discovered Dr. Phil.” –Craig Ferguson

Whether or not you support Lance Armstrong, you can agree on one thing. The admission allows us all to go back to not giving a crap about cycling. –Craig Ferguson

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg held a press conference to announce that if you post one more picture of your cat sleeping, they’re going to delete your account. –Jimmy Kimmel

Zuckerberg introduced a new feature called Graph Search. It delivers search results from your network of Facebook friends, so you can ask questions like, “Who are my friends that live in San Francisco?” By the way, if you have to ask that, you don’t have any friends in San Francisco. –Jimmy Kimmel

It’s an interesting new feature. Soon you’ll be able to find anything you want on Facebook, except for the thousands of hours of your life you lost going on Facebook. –Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama’s inaugural parade will feature eight floats, including a Hawaii float to honor his birthplace, an Illinois float to honor the first lady’s home state, and a Kenyan float just to mess with Republicans. –Jimmy Fallon

The president will push for a path to citizenship for 11 million illegal immigrants in the U.S. Obama says it’s all part of his plan to give every man, woman, and child the chance to pay more taxes. –Jimmy Fallon

Education Secretary Arne Duncan announced that he will stay at the White House for President Obama’s second term. He said his mission is to make the U.S. number one in education, and won’t stop until our students are doing gooder. –Jimmy Fallon

MGM is coming out with a remake of the classic 1959 film “Ben-Hur.” You can tell it’s a remake because instead of being about a Jewish prince who is betrayed by his Roman friend, sent into slavery, and then seeks revenge — it’s just about sexy vampires. –Jimmy Fallon

This flu epidemic is just terrible. Experts say that those hit hardest are the very old and the very young. So that’s especially bad news for Hugh Hefner and his new bride. –Jay Leno

Daniel Day-Lewis won a Golden Globe for playing Abraham Lincoln and Julianne Moore won for playing Sarah Palin. The foreign press realized that the greatest challenge for an actor in Hollywood is pretending to be a Republican. –Jay Leno

A Florida couple got into a fight resulting in the woman biting off half her boyfriend’s ear. She said her biggest complaint is that he never listens. –Jay Leno

The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, was seen partying in Mexico with Charlie Sheen. When will Charlie learn that people judge you by the company you keep? –Jay Leno

President Obama’s half-brother is running for political office in Kenya. Donald Trump has already accused him of being born in the United States. –Conan O’Brien

There is a new app that is coming out that shows you how alcohol will age you. When I was a kid, we did this by looking at our fathers. –Conan O’Brien

Steven Tyler and his fiancée have reportedly broken up. The fiancée explained she just wants to date other old gypsy women. –Conan O’Brien

It’s cold here in L.A. We broke records last night. It was so cold, Charlie Sheen filled his bed with porn stars just to stay warm. –Craig Ferguson

It was so cold, Mel Gibson was seen drunk driving in a snowmobile. –Craig Ferguson

It was so cold Matthew McConaughey was seen wearing a shirt. It’s never that cold. –Craig Ferguson

Everyone was talking about how cold it was on the Golden Globes red carpet. The temperature was in the low 50s. In fact, it was so cold, Ryan Seacrest had to get his hair defrosted. –Jimmy Fallon

Black Sabbath is reuniting with Ozzy Osbourne for their first album together in 35 years. You can tell they’re getting up there because now all Ozzy can do is gum at a bat’s head for 30 seconds until it flies away. –Jimmy Fallon

Congrats to 23-year-old Mallory Hagan from Brooklyn, who won the Miss America pageant on Saturday. You could tell that she is from Brooklyn because instead of saying she wanted world peace, she was like, “War? Forget about it.” –Jimmy Fallon

Republicans and Democrats are working on a new bill to streamline the healthcare system. It will reduce the cost of mammograms and prostate exams. But don’t worry. They’ll still be free at the airport. –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

The Baseball Hall of Fame voting results are in, and for the first time since 1996, not one player was voted in. They turned down Roger Clemens, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, and Barry Bonds. Here’s how bad it was: Lance Armstrong got more votes than any of those guys. –Jay Leno

The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, was seen partying in Mexico with Charlie Sheen. I believe that celebration is called “Cinco de Career-o.” –Jay Leno

The mayor is denying it. He said he only saw Charlie for a minute, but Charlie said he and the mayor had a wild time in Mexico partying with a number of hot women. Who are you going to believe — a party boy who has never done anything in his life or Charlie Sheen? –Jay Leno

Here is a shocking statistic. You know who are the most frequent binge drinkers? Seniors! That explains Brent Musberger’s comments about Miss Alabama. –Jay Leno

The Consumer Electronics Show is happening in Las Vegas and the most amazing gadgets are being talked about. One of the gadgets this year is a fork that tells you when you’re eating too fast. In a related story today, Chris Christie was spotted yelling at his fork to mind its own business. –Conan O’Brien

Chris Christie said to his fork, “Shut up or I’m going to switch to my friend — spoon.” –Conan O’Brien

It’s being reported that Apple may be making a less-expensive version of their iPhone. They’re calling it a Samsung. –Conan O’Brien

Right here on CBS was the annual People’s Choice Awards show. It had fantastic categories like “favorite Kardashian” and “favorite late-night Jimmy.” –David Letterman

I was nominated and darn, I was defeated in my category by Brent Musburger. The category was “people’s choice for creepiest old guy.” –David Letterman

It’s the second night of our new time slot. We had a big show last night. Unfortunately, I found out this afternoon we have to do it again tonight. I don’t know what these people want from me. –Jimmy Kimmel

On Fox tonight, they aired a two-hour celebrity diving show called “Stars in Danger: The High Dive.” I think the only thing worse than being a celebrity contestant on a competitive diving show is being a celebrity judge on a competitive diving show. –Jimmy Kimmel

The White House announced that the theme for President Obama’s inauguration will be “Faith in America’s Future.” Which is proof that no one in the White House has ever seen “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.” –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama’s team is promising special perks for donors who give at least a million dollars to the inauguration. Which is cool, but you know what else can get you a lot of perks? Keeping that million dollars. –Jimmy Fallon

Today, the president hosted a screening of NBC’s White House comedy, “1600 Penn,” which centers on a goofy guy who keeps embarrassing the White House. Or as Joe Biden put it, “Why’s everyone looking at me?” –Jimmy Fallon

According to several reports, a lot of people think 2013 is going to be bad luck because it has the number 13 in it. You know what you call these people? Notre Dame fans. –Jay Leno

Do you know what BCS stands for? “Beating Catholics Soundly.” –Jay Leno

Let me tell you how bad it was. Today the Pope suggested that Notre Dame might want to be a Lutheran college. –Jay Leno

A political opponent is accusing Governor Chris Christie of praying for Hurricane Sandy. In response, Christie said the only weather-related thing he’s ever prayed for is a Dairy Queen Blizzard. –Conan O’Brien

According to a new poll, Congress is now less popular than head lice, Nickelback, and Donald Trump. In a related story, head lice is insulted that it’s being lumped in with Donald Trump and Nickelback. –Conan O’Brien

What happened to the fiscal cliff? Are we on it or off it? Forget it. The debt ceiling is the brand new crisis. The fiscal cliff was just the warm-up, just for beginners, like a student film. –David Letterman

A new time slot. We used to be on at midnight. Now we’re on at 11:35. Now I’m 25 minutes closer to my lifelong dream of co-hosting “The View.”

“Nightline” is on after us now, but just because this isn’t “Nightline,” that doesn’t mean we’re not going to talk about important stuff. For instance, did you know Honey Boo Boo’s mother is afraid of mayonnaise? –Jimmy Kimmel

My New Year’s resolution this year was to get a gym membership, use it twice, and then never use it again. I’m already halfway there. –Jimmy Kimmel

Alabama won the college football championship game. It was a tough loss for the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. If only Irish people had some kind of tradition of drowning their sorrows in something, it would have been so much easier. –Jimmy Kimmel

Last night Alabama crushed Notre Dame 42-14 in the BCS National Championship. I haven’t seen such an ugly night for the Fighting Irish since Thanksgiving with my family. –Jimmy Fallon

Archeologists investigating an ancient shipwreck in Italy have discovered pills over 2,000 years old. Meanwhile, my mom was like, “That date is just a recommendation. They’re still good.” –Jimmy Fallon

To celebrate his birthday, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un sent two pounds of candy to every child in the country. Which explains why Honey Boo Boo has applied for dual citizenship. –Jimmy Fallon

Today Democrats said they want another trillion dollars in taxes. Didn’t we just give them $620 billion last Wednesday? Is that gone already? Who is running this, “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”? –Jay Leno

Scientists in China say obesity may be caused by bacteria in your stomach. Three of the most common carriers of the bacteria are pizza, cheeseburgers, and doughnuts. –Jay Leno

Police in Brazil have apprehended a cat that has been traveling in and out of a men’s prison with various escape tools, like saw blades and drill bits, taped to its body. The judge was pretty harsh. Today, the cat received nine life sentences. –Jay Leno

Lance Armstrong now says he may admit that he used performance enhancing drugs. I guess he realized he’s the only person in the world who still wasn’t sure about it. –Jay Leno

Tickets to President Obama’s inauguration have sold out. At least that’s what the president is telling Joe Biden. –Conan O’Brien

Tonight Notre Dame plays Alabama in the BCS championship game. That’s big. I was home for the holidays so I’ve had quite enough of the Fighting Irish. –Conan O’Brien

Last week photos surfaced of Justin Bieber smoking marijuana. Fans of Justin Bieber were really upset and fans of marijuana were really embarrassed. –Conan O’Brien

Chuck Hagel is the new secretary of defense nominee. They are saying that he may be reluctant to send troops into a war zone needlessly. What kind of a nut job is this guy? –David Letterman

If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think Britain. –Craig Ferguson

Joe Biden and his wife left D.C. this weekend for a five-day vacation in the Caribbean. Of course, most of that time will be spent telling him that Margaritaville isn’t a real place. –Jimmy Fallon

Lance Armstrong’s lawyer is denying reports that he will admit to using performance-enhancing drugs. He said that Lance has been very consistent about his intentions to just keep lying about it. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that our personalities change about once every 10 years. And if you disagree with the study — well, just give it 10 years. –Jimmy Fallon

On Friday a passenger on a flight to JFK had to be restrained with duct tape after he got drunk and started yelling at other passengers. Duct tape to hold someone in their seat — or as Southwest Airlines calls that, “a seatbelt.” –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

According to the latest census poll, a large number of Californians are moving out of state and going to places like Texas and Nevada. Look, I know a lot of us are disgusted with the Lakers, but that’s no reason . . . –Jay Leno

The Lakers are so bad, when Mitt Romney talks about the 47 percent, he means Dwight Howard’s free throw shooting. –Jay Leno

It is so bad, Lakers fans are referring to last year’s NBA lockout as the good old days. –Jay Leno

Since January of 2000, NFL players have been arrested 624 times on different charges. In fact, the number one defense scheme now in the NFL? — the plea bargain. –Jay Leno

New Jersey Democrats say Republican Governor Chris Christie will be impossible to beat. It’s unclear if they’re talking about the 2013 governor’s race or Coney Island hot dog-eating contest. –Conan O’Brien

Last night the Spice Girls musical debuted in London. So it turns out the Mayans were off by just a few weeks. –Conan O’Brien

According to the Census Bureau, white people will not be the majority in the United States by the year 2043. So this is even more bad news for the National Hockey League. –Conan O’Brien

Scientists say that they have found evidence of cheese being made 7,500 years ago. The evidence was found in a 7-Eleven nacho bar. –Conan O’Brien

A love letter written by a young Mick Jagger sold at auction for $300,000. You can tell that Mick Jagger’s an old man because the letter actually begins, “Dear Cleopatra.” –Craig Ferguson

Numbers are important. Without them, we would not know how much stuff weighs or how much stuff is worth. We wouldn’t know how many meltdowns there would be on the set of “Two and a Half Men.” –Craig Ferguson

A couple of days ago in an IKEA store in Toronto they had a crazy monkey running around wild. IKEA found out about the monkey and now he’s making $15 an hour assembling wall units. –David Letterman

In case you haven’t already heard it from every annoying person at work, it’s December 12, 2012. It’s 12-12-12. Wedding chapels in Las Vegas were jam-packed. I’m not sure that’s a good idea. It’s bad enough when you forget your anniversary. But forgetting it when you got married on 12-12-12, that’s just asking for trouble. –Jimmy Kimmel

It’s exciting. I haven’t been this excited since 11-11-11. –Jimmy Kimmel

It’s hard to get in the holiday spirit in L.A. It’s hard to get in the holiday spirit anywhere where you see people shopping for Christmas trees in shorts. –Jimmy Kimmel

Japan and South Korea are on high alert after North Korea successfully launched a long-range rocket. Both countries are surprised by North Korea’s successful launch, but definitely not as surprised as North Korea. –Jimmy Fallon

The Huffington Post is taking some heat for badly misquoting Mark Twain in a recent piece that was meant to celebrate his birthday. But as Twain himself once said, “Haters gonna hate.” –Jimmy Fallon

A company in California designed a flying drone that will drop burritos over your house using a parachute — or as Chris Christie calls that, “the best forecast ever!” –Jimmy Fallon

A close friend of mine said his doctor gave him less than two weeks to live. But it turns out his doctor’s a Mayan. He says that to everybody. –Jay Leno

The Mayans have predicted the world is supposed to end on December 21. If the world doesn’t end on December 21, you can bet the next day the malls will be overrun with Mayans trying to buy last-minute gifts. –Jay Leno

More problems for Lindsay Lohan. Apparently she can’t pay her $8,000-a-month rent on her Beverly Hills mansion. Lindsay doesn’t want to move because it’s the perfect location. It’s between two liquor stores, a bail bondsman, and an auto body shop. –Jay Leno

Honey Boo Boo is among Barbara Walters’ “10 Most Fascinating People of 2012.” In a related story, today Barbara was named one of the “10 most easily fascinated people of 2012.” –Jay Leno

According to a new poll, most Americans think Santa Clause is a Democrat — which is really odd because when I think of a fat, old white man who hires unskilled labor, I think Republican. –Conan O’Brien

For the first time ever, “Sesame Street” is going to be tackling the topic of divorce. They want to make it clear that it’s never the child’s fault. And Ernie and Bert will remain friends. –Conan O’Brien

This year over 1,500 soldiers were kicked out of the armed forces for being overweight. And half of our fighter pilots are being charged for two seats. –Conan O’Brien

According to a global study, American kids are way behind Asian kids in math and science. But American kids are ahead in buying stuff made by Asian kids. –Conan O’Brien

New York City, especially during the holidays, is the only place I know where the shoplifters complain about the pickpockets. –David Letterman

FedEx handled 19 million packages yesterday. They didn’t deliver them, they just handled them. –David Letterman

Barbara Walters puts together her 10 most fascinating people of the year list, and it goes way back. I think on the first show she did, numbers one and two were the Wright brothers. –David Letterman

The latest report from the U.S. Census Bureau is out. For the first time, more people are moving away from California than are moving to California. People are leaving California in droves. To the people leaving California, I give you the traditional California farewell: “Adios, amigos.” –Craig Ferguson

I’m not that surprised people are leaving California. People want to escape the earthquakes, the mudslides, the Kardashians, the Honey Boo Boos. –Craig Ferguson

Christmas is less than two weeks away. I do most of my shopping online. But I hire someone to honk and scream obscenities at me while I’m doing it so I get the whole holiday shopping experience. –Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday, Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper signed an amendment that officially legalized marijuana in the state. Stoners took a moment to thank Governor Hickenlooper — then they spent a few hours just saying the word “Hickenlooper.” –Jimmy Fallon

Facebook announced that its service is back to 100 percent, after it went down for more than an hour yesterday. Yep, Facebook is finally working, which means the rest of us can finally stop. –Jimmy Fallon

Last night on Twitter, Donald Trump mistakenly called New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick, “Bob Belichick.” Then he said, “I apologize to the entire Patriots organization, and their quarterback, Jan Brady.” –Jimmy Fallon

A professor at MIT just said that Windows 8 is a Christmas gift you should get for someone you hate. So, looks like you’ve got some competition, Edible Arrangements. –Jimmy Fallon

Al-Qaida’s number two man has been killed by an American drone in Pakistan. In a related story, today al-Qaida’s number three man announced he’s stepping down to spend more time with his family. –Jay Leno

Did you see the Manny Pacquiao fight? He got knocked out by Juan Manuel Marquez in the 6th round. Pacquiao hit the canvas face first. Was that really that big of a deal? Passing out face first in Vegas — who hasn’t done that, really? –Jay Leno

Mitt Romney was at the fight and he met with Pacquiao right before they got in the ring. Now Romney and Pacquiao have something in common. Both ended up getting knocked out by Latinos. –Jay Leno

Taylor Swift turns 23 this week. Taylor said she’s at that age where she just wants to settle down, then break up, and then write a hit song about it. –Conan O’Brien

Women are better at wrapping gifts. I was thinking about why that is. Look at them. They wear bows and ribbons. They ARE presents. Meanwhile, men wear baseball caps and oversized team jackets. That’s the fashion equivalent of a gift bag. –Jimmy Kimmel

Despite a rough season, the New York Jets can technically still make the playoffs. Incidentally, “technically” is what most people say when someone asks them if they’re still a Jets fan. –Jimmy Fallon

There’s a new iPhone app that uses your location to give you constant updates about the weather. It’s called “Talking to Your Mom.” –Jimmy Fallon

McDonald’s reported today that it had better than expected sales in the month of November. Executives credit the success to increased advertising, new menu items, and two states legalizing weed. –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Fallon:

Today in Washington, President Obama met with leaders of the American Indian tribes and they honored the president by giving him his own Indian name: “Running Deficit.” –Jay Leno

Native Americans are understandably very upset. This country used to belong to them. And, of course, now it belongs to the Chinese, so they are very furious about that. –Jay Leno

There was one really awkward moment with the American Indians. In the middle of the meeting, Joe Biden walked in wearing a Redskins jersey. –Jay Leno

The CEO of The Cheesecake Factory is now warning that Obamacare will be very costly. Hey, The Cheesecake Factory is one of the reasons we need Obamacare in the first place. –Jay Leno

Starbucks is now introducing for the holidays a $450 gift card. It’s good for two small coffees and a Josh Groban CD. –Conan O’Brien

Mercedes is developing technology to let you look at Facebook on your car windshield. It’s perfect for everyone who wants to get hit by an oncoming 18-wheeler. –Conan O’Brien

Scientists announced they have found the world’s oldest dinosaur. It had a collar on it that read, “If lost, please return to Larry King.” –Conan O’Brien

A list of the world’s best cities came out today and the highest-ranking American city is Honolulu at number 28. They got points taken off for bad public transportation, but apparently it’s a great place to get fake birth certificates. -Craig Ferguson

The list makers say that L.A. needs to spend more time on basic infrastructure. That’s not true. Do you have any idea how much reinforced concrete and stucco we use every year to prop up Cher? -Craig Ferguson

According to the list, the number one city in the world to live is Vienna, Austria. All right, it’s a nice city. I’ve been there, but it’s not Bristol, Tennessee. The main problem, it’s full of Austrians. -Craig Ferguson

Austrians are a cross between Germans and Australians. It’s like, “G’day, Fräulein” and “Put another bratwurst on the barbie, mate.” -Craig Ferguson

McDonald’s just announced that it’s bringing back the McRib later this month. Or, as the Mayans put it, “Hey, we tried to warn you.” –Jimmy Fallon

Barbara Walters has released part of her “Most Fascinating People” list. This year Hillary Clinton and Honey Boo Boo are both on it. That’s right. The woman who may soon be president — and Hillary Clinton. –Jimmy Fallon

Anderson Cooper said that while filming a segment for “60 Minutes” he got a sunburn on his eyeball and was temporarily blind. Either that, or Anderson Cooper is terrible at faking a sick day. –Jimmy Fallon

Mitt Romney is going back to work. Romney is joining the board of directors at Marriott hotels. See, who says President Obama can’t create jobs? There’s one right there. –Jay Leno

I think it’s great that Romney’s getting back to the workforce and not becoming one of those 47 percent looking for a handout. –Jay Leno

The engagement between 86-year-old Hugh Hefner and his 26-year-old girlfriend Crystal Harris is back on. I don’t want to say that Hefner is old, but the ring boy is Larry King. –Jay Leno

Hefner was engaged before and then she broke it off eight days before the wedding. Well now they have worked it out. I guess she has agreed to sign a pre-nup, but only if he agrees to sign the “do not resuscitate” order. –Jay Leno

Kate Middleton’s having a baby. Snooki says she wants to give baby advice to Kate Middleton. Snooki said her number one tip is to find out who the father is. –Conan O’Brien

Kim Kardashian has been touring the Middle East, touching off angry protests among conservative Muslims. You would think conservative Muslims would be happy to see a woman who’s never had a job. –Conan O’Brien

In Russia, there was a 125-mile traffic jam that had drivers stuck in traffic for three days. Here in Los Angeles that’s known as Friday. –Conan O’Brien

The CEO of the Olive Garden blames his company’s low profits on Obamacare — which is odd because most people won’t eat at the Olive Garden until they have health insurance. –Conan O’Brien

Do you know who’s engaged? Hugh Hefner. He said today about his fiancée, “I’ve fallen for her and I can’t get up.” –David Letterman

Hefner’s fiancée’s name is Tiffany — no, sorry, Crystal. What’s the difference? Anyway, she was saying she was really, really looking forward to the ceremony, and people are saying, “Are you talking about the wedding or the funeral?” –David Letterman

Just three weeks until Christmas. So tonight CBS got into the Christmas spirit by showing the heartwarming family classic, “The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.” -Craig Ferguson

Some people say “The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show” serves no purpose other than showing sexy women and using them to bolster ratings. Those people are called “correct.” -Craig Ferguson

“The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show” usually gives CBS a big boost in the ratings. That might get CBS to start sexing up some of their other shows, like putting the cast of “60 Minutes” in bathing suits. -Craig Ferguson

Earlier today Mitt Romney was spotted on a Costco shopping spree. Romney ended up buying 14 Costcos. –Jimmy Fallon

Applebee’s is opening a “green” restaurant in New York that will have waterless urinals, a wall made of plants, and rooftop rainwater harvesting. All of which will be underneath a giant, million-watt neon sign that says “Applebee’s.” –Jimmy Fallon

At Justin Bieber’s concert in New York last week, a fan threw her phone on stage and Bieber took several pictures of himself with it. In a related story, Justin Bieber is in critical condition after getting hit with another 6,000 cell phones. –Jimmy Fallon

Facebook has announced that it will not be developing any of its own games and will continue to rely on outside companies. Facebook can still take credit for that one popular game: “Guess who got fat since high school.” –Jimmy Fallon

One day that child could grow up to be one of the most powerful unemployed people in the world. –Jay Leno

Happy birthday to Britney Spears, who is now 31 years old. At her birthday party, all her family and friends got together and lip-synched “Happy Birthday.” –Jay Leno

President Clinton and President Obama played a round of golf over the weekend. President Clinton asked Obama what his handicap was, and Obama said, “Joe Biden.” –Jay Leno

The Obamas have decorated the White House with 54 Christmas trees. It’s all part of their “For the last time, we’re not Muslim” campaign. –Conan O’Brien

Prince William and Kate Middleton are expecting. They don’t know whether it’s going to be a boy or a girl, but they do know it’s not going to work a day in its life. –Conan O’Brien

Lindsay Lohan says she does not need rehab because she says she has no problem with alcohol. However, Lindsay did admit that her car is a total drunk. –Conan O’Brien

Prince William and his lovely bride are pregnant. Buckingham Palace announced Kate is pregnant. They’ve been married for a year and a half. That’s like five marriages for a Kardashian. -Craig Ferguson

Kate is said to be very nervous about giving birth. Giving birth to a baby wearing a crown is very hard. -Craig Ferguson

Today it was confirmed that Prince William and Kate Middleton are expecting their first baby. You can tell the baby’s a member of the royal family, because Kate said she can already feel it waving. –Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that “Sophia” and “Aiden” were the most popular baby names this year. The least popular baby name was Kim Jong Sandusky. –Jimmy Fallon

While he was in Pennsylvania on Friday, President Obama said that he’s been keeping his own “naughty and nice list” of lawmakers. Then Biden was like, “Great, now I’ve got to worry about his list AND Santa’s?” –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

It was announced today that former General Petraeus has agreed to testify before Congress. I guess he figured, “Why not?” Those questions can’t be any tougher than the ones he’s getting at home right now. –Jay Leno

This whole scandal has changed the way the White House does business. Like, you know the Situation Room? It’s now the Compromising Situation Room. They’ve changed it. –Jay Leno

It’s now being reported that General Petraeus wanted to run for president. But, you know, he can still win. He’s an older white guy with a sex scandal, so there’s something there for Republicans and Democrats. –Jay Leno

A dozen New York Jets players told a reporter that Tim Tebow is “terrible.” They said he’s a terrible quarterback. And believe me, if anybody knows terrible, it’s the Jets. –Jay Leno

According to a new study, humans may be gradually losing their intelligence. The study was conducted by watching four minutes of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.” –Conan O’Brien

There’s a petition for Texas to secede. It has 25,000 signatures. The signatures are from every state but Texas. –Conan O’Brien

For the holidays, the makers of Pringles are coming out with a white chocolate and peppermint flavored potato chip. In a related story, Pfizer is coming out with cinnamon flavored insulin, so it’s still going to balance itself out. –Conan O’Brien

The Rockefeller Center’s Christmas tree is being put in place this afternoon. They bring it in and hoist it with a crane and steel cables. It’s the same way they get Chris Christie into his pants. –David Letterman

Then they start decorating the tree with a beautiful array of Christmas lights and on the very top they put a tiny little Mayor Bloomberg. In fact, it actually is Mayor Bloomberg. –David Letterman

And then they chainsaw the Christmas tree down and load it onto a flatbed truck. Then they bring it into the city, which is difficult because the mayor has that prohibition in place so you have to have three trees per vehicle to get into the city. –David Letterman

According to a study, there are three areas where humans now are getting dumber. High school kids. Retirees. And another group of dumb people? Four-star generals. –David Letterman

Happy birthday to his royal highness, Prince Charles. He turns 64 today. Prince Charles is spending his birthday in New Zealand. It’s part of his “Places we used to own” tour. –Craig Ferguson

I make fun of Prince Charles, but I admit I’m a fan. It’s important to remember he’s just a guy. Like any other guy, he has his servants put his pants on him one leg at a time. –Craig Ferguson

The royal family costs British taxpayers $60 million a year. But in their defense, the royal family has cut back. Nowadays they hardly ever feed live peasants to their hounds. –Craig Ferguson

To keep this in perspective, the U.S. pays almost a billion dollars to support the first family. Granted, most of that money just goes to making fake birth certificates. –Craig Ferguson

For the first time, texting has started to decline. A new report has found that the average number of text messages that cellphone customers in the U.S. sends has dropped from 700 a month on average to 675 a month. Maybe texting is down because a lot of the people who text and drive are now dead. –Jimmy Kimmel

It makes sense when you think about it. Because 20 years ago, everyone sent letters, maybe a few pages long. Then we started sending emails and the notes got shorter. After awhile, that seemed like too long so we moved to texting and now we’re just taking the next logical step. Now we send nothing. –Jimmy Kimmel

We finally realized we don’t have anything to say to each other. –Jimmy Kimmel

“People” magazine has revealed their sexiest man alive for 2012, and the sexiest man alive is — Mtumbe Otawabe, a farmer from Ethiopia. They did a very exhaustive search this year. –Jimmy Kimmel

Today, People magazine announced that Channing Tatum is 2012’s “Sexiest Man Alive” — while Florida will announce their results sometime next week. –Jimmy Fallon

It turns out that Democrats are actually considering Mitt Romney’s tax plan as a way to avoid the fiscal cliff. Three weeks ago, Obama was like, “Mitt Romney has terrible ideas!” And now he’s like, “Hey, you gonna finish those ideas?” –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that eating healthier food can improve your memory. Unfortunately, the first thing you remember is how much better unhealthy food tastes. –Jimmy Fallon

There will be a three-percent increase in the price of turkey for Thanksgiving this year. Or as fat chickens put it, “Uh-oh.” –Jimmy Fallon

“‘Skyfall,’ the number one movie at the box office this week, made over $100 million. It’s the biggest opening ever for a James Bond film. There’s not a lot of sex in the movie – it’s very downplayed. See, James Bond is just a secret agent. It’s not like he’s head of the CIA.” –Jay Leno

“People are disappointed. A four-star general, highly decorated, brilliant strategist, director of the CIA – and yet he’s behaving like your common congressman.” –Jay Leno

“The movie ‘Lincoln’ opened over the weekend. It’s getting unbelievable reviews. It’s so authentic. Daniel Day-Lewis plays Lincoln. Sally Field plays Mary Todd Lincoln. John McCain plays himself.” –Jay Leno

“I was surprised to learn Abraham Lincoln was not a vampire hunter.” –Jay Leno

“David Petraeus was reportedly not well liked at the CIA where he worked. A tip to you fellows out there – don’t cheat on your wife if you work with professional spies who don’t like you.” –Conan O’Brien

“Arizona has elected the first openly bisexual congresswoman. Apparently she did very well with swing voters.” –Conan O’Brien

“This David Petraeus scandal just keeps getting bigger. It turns out that another top general and an FBI agent had inappropriate contact with Jill Kelley, the woman who sparked the investigation. They need to stop this thing or we’re gonna end up with nobody left to run the government.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The new ‘Call of Duty: Black Ops’ video game was released today, and it actually features General David Petraeus. So I guess it’s safe to assume the game has plenty of cheat codes.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Today a rare 76-carat diamond went up for auction in Switzerland. The jeweler called it ‘a priceless stone’ while David Petraeus’ wife called it ‘a start.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“How about that General Petraeus? Then they got an FBI guy sending pictures of himself with his shirt off. Is that the surge or are you just happy to see me? … You know who I blame for all of this? Anthony Weiner. He’s the guy who started this whole thing.” –David Letterman

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