“On Fox News, Ann Coulter said she’s against body scans at the airport because terrorists will still be able to hide explosives in their anus. So finally Ann Coulter is speaking on a topic she knows something about.” –Jay Leno

“Today, Senator Chris Dodd unveiled his plan to reduce corruption in the Senate. He’s retiring.” –Jay Leno

“After 30 years, embattled Senator Chris Dodd announced he would not seek re-election. He said he may go to work for the banking industry. Have you seen his voting record? I think he already works for the banking industry.” –Jay Leno

“Today, President Obama honored more than 80 teachers for excellence in math and science. Then he begged them to leave China and come teach here in the United States.” –Conan O’Brien

“I was reading a book about Osama bin Laden, and it was written by his son, and according to the son, in the book about his father, the kid claims Osama bin Laden was a cruel parent. Gosh, you think you know somebody. But the book is written by bin Laden’s dumb son, Osama W. bin Laden.” –David Letterman

“The weather here in California is very nice. But it’s freezing all across the United States. In fact, in D.C., the weather is so bad — this is true — they actually hired convicted criminals to shovel snow at the U.S. Capitol. Isn’t that amazing? So it’s nice to see members of Congress doing something useful for a change.” –Jay Leno

“The government investigated yet another terrorist threat today. Luckily it was just McDonald’s announcing they’re bringing back the McRib sandwich.” –Jay Leno

“A new poll asked Americans who their ideal next-door neighbor would be. The No. 1 answer was the Obama family, mainly because the Obamas are the kind of neighbors who would lend you a cup of sugar or a trillion dollars.” –Conan O’Brien

darnfunnyonline.com

“President Obama’s daughter Sasha says that she already bought her dad’s gift. She won’t say what it is but she did say, ‘It’s something he likes.’ Which begs the question: How did an 8-year-old get her hands on a carton of Marlboro Lights?” –Conan O’Brien

“Former President Bush is writing his memoirs and he says they will focus on 12 major decisions he made in his life. The weird thing is, 11 of them were made by Dick Cheney.” –Conan O’Brien

“According to a recent report, due to the recession, Americans are eating cheap, unhealthy, fatty foods. So apparently, the recession started in 1957. –Conan O’Brien

“Traffic is bad, the holiday with the gridlock. It’s like Dick Cheney, all major arteries are clogged.” –David Letterman

“Oh, I love this — did you hear about this? Did you hear about this? Yesterday, President Obama said his wife, Michelle, decided they should not buy each other Christmas gifts this year. Mr. President, if you’re listening, it’s a trap! Listen! She doesn’t mean it. Go shopping. Let me tell you something Mr. President, if you don’t buy her a gift, you better hope health care passes.” –Jay Leno

“The wife of Al Qaeda’s second in command is now calling on women to become suicide bombers. To qualify, they must be able to push a car loaded with explosives, because, as you know, women aren’t allowed to drive over there.” –Jay Leno

“It looks like Democrats have their 60 votes for healthcare. Harry Reid said the bill will save us hundreds of millions of dollars. Well, it would have, except for the hundreds of millions of dollars we had to pay to buy the 60 votes.” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday President Obama said, ‘We can’t continue to treat tax money like monopoly money.’ Oh really — how come all those guys on Wall Street got ‘get out of jail free’ cards?” –Jay Leno

“The healthcare reform bill now includes a tanning booth tax of 10 percent. You know what this means? This whole thing could be funded by the cast of ‘Jersey Shore.’” –Jay Leno

“You know who had a great year in 2009? Wall Street bankers — they had a bailout and still get bonuses. So there’s a lesson here: In America it’s better to be a fat cat than a horny tiger.” –Jay Leno

darnfunnyonline.com

“In Washington this week, of course, President Obama is expecting a visit from Santa Claus. Finally, an invited guest at the White House for a change.” –Jay Leno

“Of course, the storm is the big story, it is unbelievable. It actually paralyzed Washington more than Joe Lieberman. In fact, there was so much white powder in D.C., people thought Marion Barry was mayor again.” –Jay Leno

“Meteorologists are calling this a record blizzard, which makes sense if you think about it. Republicans have always said that the Senate would pass health care when hell freezes over, and apparently, it has!” –Jay Leno

“Democrats in Congress have scheduled a vote on health care for Christmas Eve. They said, this issue is so important, we’re willing to work even on Christmas Eve. You know, I think that’s great. I like that. I mean, anything that keeps drunk drivers off the road on Christmas Eve, you know, I think that’s terrific.” –Jay Leno

“This is big. The Senate is trying to pass health care by Christmas. They had to take a rare vote last night at 1:00 a.m. Yeah, they scheduled it for 1am because that’s when John McCain gets up to pee.” –Conan O’Brien

“I saw this today. President Obama said, ‘The federal government can no longer spend taxpayers’ money like it’s Monopoly money.’ Especially since now, Monopoly money is actually more valuable than the dollar.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Over the weekend, the U.S. transferred 12 Guantanamo detainees to their homelands of Afghanistan, Yemen and Somalia. Wait, we’re sending potential terrorists back to Afghanistan? That’s like dropping Roman Polanski off at a Jonas Brothers concert.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama has signed a new $1.1 trillion spending bill. See, the reason it’s called a spending bill is they get to spend it and we get the bill.” –Jay Leno

“Sources close to Tiger Woods say that he’s spending his days now eating cereal and watching cartoons. In other words, Tiger Woods has gone from living every man’s fantasy life, to living every man’s real life.” –Conan O’Brien

“The latest rumor is that Tiger Woods’ wife has decided to divorce him. Apparently, she realized that once she’s single she’ll have a better chance of sleeping with Tiger Woods.” –Conan O’Brien

“Today a judge issued an order that requires Tiger Woods to stay 90 feet away from mistletoe.” –David Letterman

darnfunnyonline.com

“This Tiger Woods thing has had an effect on a lot of people. In fact, earlier today, Elizabeth Edwards went out and bought a new set of golf clubs.” –Jay Leno

“And The Washington Post suggested today that this party-crashing couple may have a long history of deceiving people. Well, no wonder they fit in at the White House.” –Jay Leno

“A group has now filed papers to nominate Dick Cheney to run for president of the United States in 2012. You may have heard of the group, Halliburton.” –Jay Leno

“Everybody’s talking about President Obama’s speech last night. He’s sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Right now, in Scandinavia, the Nobel Committee is really rethinking the whole peace prize.” –Craig Ferguson

“Anyway, the good news is the first people Obama sends to Afghanistan are those White House party crashers, so it’s not all bad.” –Craig Ferguson

“As you know, Afghanistan is strategically important to the United States because they control, like, 90 percent of the world’s supply of rubble, and we need that.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Congratulations, I want to say, to former President Bill and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Their daughter, Chelsea, got engaged over the weekend. You know when you have to decide whether or not to invite the bride’s father to the bachelor party? That’s going to be a tough call.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Did you hear about that uninvited couple who crashed the state dinner at the White House? Unbelievable. They even had their picture taken with Vice President Joe Biden, which is kind of radical because Biden was also an uninvited guest.” –Jay Leno

“Kind of an awkward Thanksgiving for John Edwards. I guess his relatives asked him to bring his favorite side dish and he showed up with a cocktail waitress.” –Jay Leno

“Hey, this is absolutely true. There’s an organization now called ‘Draft Dick Cheney for President, 2012.’ Yeah. Good luck with that. They tried to draft Dick Cheney five times during Vietnam. That didn’t work.” –Jay Leno

“There’s a new children’s book that’s coming out that features Sarah Palin as a hero. I don’t want to give away the ending, but we finally find out who shot Bambi’s mother.” –Conan O’Brien

darnfunnyonline.com

“President Obama is getting ready to pardon the White House turkey, the Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner.” –Jay Leno

“The White House and the Senate Democrats are working on a new jobs bill. The White House said this new jobs bill could create twice as many non-existent fake jobs as the last one.” –Jay Leno

“Now, three weeks ago, [the Administration] said the $787 billion stimulus-thing created one million new jobs. Then, last week, they said it was really only 640,000 jobs. Now, they’re saying they really don’t know. You know how to create a new job? Fire the guy in charge of counting.” –Jay Leno

“There’s a lot of controversy over this section of this new health care bill that says if you don’t buy health insurance, you can go to jail for five years. They say it’ll prevent freeloaders of the system. Yeah, but — well, if they do go to jail, won’t they get free health care for five years?” –Jay Leno

“Legal experts are worried about having [Khalid Sheikh Mohammed's] trial here in New York City with this guy because they think he’ll use the trial as a soapbox. Use the trial as a soapbox. Have you seen the guy, there he is. If he does, it will be the closest this guy has been to soap in years.” –David Letterman

“In a long-standing Thanksgiving tradition, President Obama is scheduled to pardon the White House turkey this coming Wednesday. ‘Hey, that’s great,’ said Joe Biden. ‘I didn’t even know I did anything wrong.’” –Seth Meyers

“Former Cuban leader Fidel Castro, reportedly a huge fan of President Obama. He thinks President Obama’s doing a great job. Well, Obama hasn’t had PR that good since the Reverend Wright was campaigning for him.” –Jay Leno

“The George W. Bush library design was unveiled this week by former First Lady Laura Bush. Did you know that she was a librarian when she first met George? Did you know that? In fact, she’s the only thing he ever checked out of a library.” –Jay Leno

“Hillary Clinton tells Vogue magazine that she naps on command, like that. Yeah, especially when Bill asks if she’s in the mood” –Jay Leno

“On Friday, President Obama pardons the White House turkey. Mmm-boy. Dick Cheney didn’t miss an opportunity. He proves that Obama is soft on poultry.” –David Letterman

darnfunnyonline.com

“And the Postal Service announced last week the Post Office lost $3.8 billion last year. I’ve got a good idea. Let’s put the government in charge of healthcare! Fantastic idea!” –Jay Leno

“And last night in New York, for the third time in two weeks, Vice President Joe Biden’s motorcade was involved in a traffic accident. Remember the old days when the Vice President would just shoot you? No wonder they want universal healthcare.” –Jay Leno

“Former Vice President Dick Cheney is in the news. Cheney slammed President Obama for bowing before the emperor of Japan. Cheney said, ‘Come on, it’s not like he’s the CEO of Exxon.’” –Conan O’Brien

“It’s been announced that President Obama’s first state dinner at the White House is going to be held in honor of the prime minister of India. Guests are encouraged to wear black tie and to bring any laptops with tech problems.” –Conan O’Brien

“In a new interview, President Obama said that the people could lose confidence in the U.S. economy if our debt continues to grow. And Americans were like, ‘Uh, way ahead of you, dude.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama arrived in China yesterday. And to foster the spirit of good will, he wore the traditional clothes made by the children of China. You know, L.L. Bean, J. Crew, Banana Republic, Nike, Reebok.” –Jay Leno

“Oh, you know what happened on this day in 1973? Richard Nixon uttered his famous line, ‘I am not a crook.’ That’s back when being a crook could actually hurt a politician’s career. See, now it’s just part of the job.” –Jay Leno

“Obama and the Chinese president pledged to work together on climate change. Then they drove off in their Hummer motorcades.” –David Letterman

“Anyway, President Obama today met with Chinese leader Hu Jintao. But in China, the first name is actually the surname, so he’s known as President Hu. So of course, every time he meets an English-speaking leader, it’s like the Abbott and Costello routine. ‘Sir, Hu’s here.’ ‘Who’s here to see me?’ ‘That’s what I’m telling you. Hu.’ ‘What are you talking about?’” –Craig Ferguson

“Well, the President is in China now. And he had 71 cars in his motorcade drive from the airport to Beijing. There’s one car for the President, two for Secret Service and then 68 for Obama’s advisers on the environment.” –Jimmy Fallon

“And while in China, President Obama gave a speech. He said, ‘Open criticism makes democracy stronger and it makes me a better leader because its forces me to hear opinions I don’t want to hear.’ Then he went back to trashing Fox News.” –Jay Leno

“And while he was in Japan last week, the Japanese prime minister told President Obama ‘make yourself at home,’ so he took over Toyota. He’s running it now.” –Jay Leno

darnfunnyonline.com

“It’s been reported that outspoken anti-immigration anchor Lou Dobbs is leaving CNN. Yeah. True story, yeah. He’ll be replaced by a guy named Juan, who will do the same job for $5 an hour.” –Conan O’Brien

“Former President Bill Clinton talked to Senate Democrats about the healthcare bill. And he told them not to make the same mistakes he and Hillary did. That’s what he said, yeah. As a result, the senators all went home and got a divorce.” –Conan O’Brien

“Three young Americans have been charged with espionage in Iran after straying into the country while hiking in Iraq. Now, obviously, we all pray for their safe return. But hiking in Iraq? I mean — you know, if you’re hiking in Iraq and Iran, you might want to get a you new travel agent. Okay?” –Jay Leno

“I mean, who goes hiking in Iraq? What was the rafting trip to Somalia all booked up?” –Jay Leno

“Remember the Congressman, William Jefferson, who the F.B.I. caught with $90,000 in bribe money in his freezer? Well, he was convicted of 11 counts of bribery and corruption. Prosecutors asked for the harshest prison sentence ever handed down for a member of Congress. Something like 30 years. The Congressman is saying — he said he still did nothing wrong. He claims he just fell in with the wrong crowd — Congress.” –Jay Leno

“Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, who was forced to resign because he used prostitutes, will deliver a lecture tomorrow at the Harvard center for Ethics. Yeah, if you want to check out the speech, it costs $500 for half an hour, $900 if you want to stay for the whole hour.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Google has announced that they’re going to give free Internet access in airports all across the country. It’s fantastic! Up until now, the only way to see something pornographic at an airport was to follow a senator into the bathroom.” –Craig Ferguson

“When you think about it and think about what it meant at the time and what it has meant since it really is one of those things that in our lifetime we have been tremendously lucky to observe the end of the wall in Berlin. The wall came down 20 years ago today. And that signaled the end of communism. Until, of course, Obama and his pinko buddies took over.” –David Letterman

“House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters that although they lost the governorship in New Jersey and Virginia, Democrats were the real winners on Election Night. In a related story, scientists now say Botox can cause delusions.” –Jay Leno

“The unemployment rate went above ten percent for the first time since 1983. Last week, economists were saying the recession is finally over, but this week, all those economists were laid off. So it’s just tough.” –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

“And, of course, it was a huge celebration over at Barack Obama headquarters, otherwise known as MSNBC.” –Jay Leno

“Barack Obama spent his first day as president-elect putting together his transition team. And if you believe MSNBC, by tomorrow he will have chosen all 12 of his disciples.” –Jay Leno

“After a quick meet-and-greet with King Abdullah, Obama was off to Israel, where he made a quick stop at the manger in Bethlehem where he was born.” –Jon Stewart, on Barack Obama’s Middle East trip

“According to recent news reports, Bill Clinton has now become an adviser to Barack Obama. Bill Clinton is giving advice to Barack Obama. Do you know who is really upset about this? Michelle Obama.” –Jay Leno

“And how about last night on all the major television networks, Barack Obama has a half-hour infomercial TV special. I mean, thank God. It’s about time this guy got some media coverage, don’t you think?” —David Letterman

“The show was very well done. I got to admit, I especially liked the end, where Barack rose to the heavens on a cloud. Wasn’t that unbelievable?” –Jay Leno

“The Democrats are now preparing for their convention in Denver, and they have hired the first ever director of greening. They say that this year that everything about their convention will be green, including nominating a candidate who’s only been a senator for a couple of years.” –Jay Leno

“Barack Obama now says he is open to offshore oil drilling. So, apparently, when he promised change, he was talking about his mind.” –Jay Leno

“Barack Obama said today the government’s $700 billion bailout should not be a blank check. Barack Obama says he knows that $700 billion is a lot of money. In fact, it would take him at least 10 Hollywood fund raisers to come up with that kind of money.” –Jay Leno

“Possible controversy for the Obama campaign. Republicans are now accusing Barack Obama’s campaign of voter fraud, because some of the people they’ve registered sound like they have fake names. Apparently, the fakest-sounding name is Barack Obama.” –Conan O’Brien

darnfunnyonline.com

“Yesterday, voters in the state of Maine voted no to gay marriage, but yes to medical marijuana. That’s right, people in Maine believe marriage should be a sacred institution between a really stoned man and a really stoned woman.” –Conan O’Brien

“Not a good night for President Obama. He lost elections in Virginia, New Jersey and not doing too good in Afghanistan either. In fact, political experts are calling this his worst setback since he tried that bowling thing.” –Jay Leno

“One year ago today, ladies and gentlemen, Barack Obama was elected president, one year ago today. One year later, we’re still in Iraq. We’re still in Afghanistan. But, you know, at least we got rid of Paula Abdul.” –David Letterman

“Over in Washington, President Obama called and congratulated Republican Bob McDonnell today after he won the governorship in Virginia. Obama then moved Virginia to the bottom of the swine flu vaccine waiting list.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A year ago today, Barack Obama was elected president. It’s been a year, can you believe that? Yeah. A lot’s happened. Yeah. In one short year, Obama’s slogan has gone from, ‘Yes, we can,’ to ‘Wow, this is freakin’ hard.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, scolded Pakistan leaders for not going after Al Qaeda and just pretending that they didn’t see a problem that everyone else in the world could see. Ouch. How about that, huh? Imagine, Hillary Clinton lecturing you on turning a blind eye to a problem that the rest of the world could see.” –Jay Leno

“The White House has approved a new plan to pay — they’re going to pay members of the Taliban to change sides and support the U.S. And if it works there, they’re going to try it with Fox News.” –Jay Leno

“This weekend for Halloween, President Obama wore chinos, a white button down shirt and a crew neck sweater. Yeah. Apparently, Obama went as the whitest president in the history of the United States.” –Conan O’Brien

“At the White House on Saturday, the Obama’s greeted trick-or-treaters. They gave them either M&Ms with the presidential seal on them or dried fruit. The dried fruit went to the kids who said their parents worked at Fox News.” –Jay Leno

“This weekend in Afghanistan, opposition candidate Abdullah Abdullah dropped out of the runoff presidential election. Yep, Abdullah Abdullah says he wants to spend more time with his wife Marjorie Marjorie.” –Conan O’Brien

“Abdullah Abdullah may be out of the race, but they say in four years his idiot son will be on the ballot. That would be Abdullah W. Abdullah.” –David Letterman

darnfunnyonline.com

“But Obama’s birthday is a reminder of why healthcare is so important. As you probably know, due to a lack of healthcare coverage, Obama’s mother was turned away from a number of hospitals and was ultimately forced to give birth in a manger.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The committee said they gave it gave it to Obama partly for his idealism and commitment to global cooperation, but mostly for calling Kanye West a jackass.” –Conan O’Brien

“Obama said he will attend the ceremony in Oslo if he’s not too busy with the two wars he’s conducting.” –Bill Maher

“I thought it was very ironic that he won the Nobel Prize for peace on a day we bombed the moon.” –Bill Maher

“President Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize. The Nobel committee said they wanted to recognize the president’s fine work in bringing peace to a black professor and a white cop through the strategic use of beer.” –Jay Leno

“Today marks 100 days of President Obama being in office, which is a big deal because 100 days is when his warranty runs out. We couldn’t return him now even if we wanted to.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley — all dependents.” –Jay Leno

“Barack Obama’s daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it’ll be cleaned up by future generations.” –Jay Leno

“As you know by now, the government is now taking an active role in the auto business. President Obama offering hope, change, and 0 percent financing.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He’s concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that’s just in his administration.” –Jay Leno

darnfunnyonline.com