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Here are some jokes by a very funny stand up comedian, Tom Papa, who has been featured on Comedy Central:

It was an arranged marriage, put together by drugs and alcohol.

Love my girl, happily married. Fell in love with her the minute I saw her place.

Ask anybody over 30 — if they tell you they have more than 10 friends, you know they’re counting co-workers.

They always say they want to get back at Americans by blowing up the subways. Have you been in the subways? There’s hardly an American down there.

You do things in a hotel you would never think about doing in your own home. As soon as that door shuts, pants come off. Drop stuff on the floor — I ain’t picking that crap up.

I always thought I was going to have just one kid because if you have more than one, then you’ve got to decide which one you like better. That’s always mean. It’s true. Parents always lie about it. ‘Oh, we like you all the same.’ No, you don’t. You love them all, of course, but there’s always that one kid — if he got lost — I mean, you’ll look for him, but not right away.

Hard alcohol is the only thing you put in your body that actually comes with a story. It’s like, ‘You want some tequila?’ ‘No, dude, the last time I had that….’ It doesn’t happen with anything else. ‘Do you want some jelly beans?’ ‘No. The last time I had jelly beans, I ended up with my pants around my ankles, face down in the mall. Seriously, dude, I can’t even smell the black ones. Just get them out of here.’

The biggest thing about raising girls, it seems, is dispelling the whole princess myth. Everything they get is about being a princess: crowns and gowns and scepters. She’s waiting for a prince. They don’t exist. There’s no guy out there with tights and good manners that’s going to come whisk you away to Happy Town, and if there is, he’s looking for another guy in tights.

We have a newborn at home. God bless you ladies for getting pregnant more than once. You’re insane. My wife’s breasts quadrupled in size. They’re F’s — D’s are fun; F’s are scary.

There’s a guy in my neighborhood, he spray paints his whole car all these different colors, fills the inside up with empty coke bottles to the roof. He drives around — his head looks like a hairy prize inside a gumball machine. What’s on his calendar? I bet it’s a lot more fun than yours. You wake up in the morning, ‘I’ve got to go to the bank.’ He’s like, ‘I need more coke bottles for my rocket ship. Busy, busy day.’

The greatest part about getting really old: your memory starts going. That’s a treat. You don’t even have to smoke pot anymore. It makes marriage go a lot easier, too. You come down in the morning: ‘Oh, who’s this young lady cooking me eggs?’

The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you.

I’ve got a wife and a couple kids. I walk to the beach now, I’ve got diaper bags filled with crap. I’m pulling wagons behind me. No women are looking at me anymore. I figure if I wear the Speedo, they’ll be horrified, but at least they’ll give me a glance.

My wife wants to go away and swim with the dolphins now. How spoiled a society have we become that we’re swimming with the dolphins? What — are we all Roman emperors at this point? ‘I feel like swimming. Get me a dolphin — now! Yes, and put some sunglasses on him and a silly hat.’

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Here are some jokes by Natasha Leggero, a stand up comedian who has been seen on Comedy Central:

Bragging to me you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got some chips from a vending machine.

Male comics are always coming up to me, and they’re like, ‘Hey, Natasha, don’t you think you’re a little attractive to be a comedian?’ And I’m like, ‘Don’t you think you’re a little ugly to be talking to me?’

I just went home to Illinois, and I asked my family, ‘Are you guys planning on talking in those accents the whole time I’m home?’ And my mother said, ‘You used to talk like that, too, Tasha.’ And I said, ‘Yes, but you see, I’ve reinvented myself. Do you have any idea who I think I am?’

Why do the guys get so upset? It’s just business. Its hard breaking up with them because you have to be like, ‘Listen you’ve run out of money.’

I love being in New York; every time I stay here I stay in a different area. Right now I’m in Chinatown which I like to call ‘The Illegal Purse District.’

My dad discovered the Internet. Uh, just because someone raised you, does not mean that you have to add them on Facebook.

Did you know they had home paternity tests now at Rite Aid? Not pregnancy tests, paternity tests. So you can go down the aisle you know you and your kid, ‘Uh, let’s get some toilet paper. You want an ice cream cone? You know while we’re at it why don’t we see who your daddy is. It’s on Aisle 4.’

For $100 you can get a seat on this tour bus that takes you to the most dangerous parts of Los Angeles. I know because it goes past my house.

How come there’s no self-effacing rappers? ‘Had to go to Goodwill to get this jacket, that’s ’cause I’m in a low-income tax bracket.’ That I would listen to.

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