“Declassified papers report that John Kennedy was taking eight different medications a day. He was so wasted, his Secret Service code name was Ted Kennedy.” —Craig Kilborn

“Ted Kennedy called for Rumsfeld’s resignation. This is interesting. This marks the first time Kennedy has ever come out against anything with rum in it.” –Conan O’Brien

“During Judge Alito’s hearings, Senator Ted Kennedy accidentally referred to Sam Alito as Ali-oto. Kennedy said ‘Forgive me, I’m sober.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I’m wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?” —David Letterman

“It was a long, dull speech. Halfway through, Ted Kennedy sent drinks over to the Bush twins.” –David Letterman, on Bush’s State of the Union Address

“With rumors swirling of him possibly running for office, George Clooney said the only thing he plans to run for has two legs and a skirt. To which Ted Kennedy said, ‘You can do both.’” –Jay Leno

“What a nightmare I had last night. I dreamed I was at a Washington party and I had to choose between Dick Cheney taking me on a hunting trip or Ted Kennedy driving me home.” –Jay Leno

“Congressman Patrick Kennedy crashed his car into a barricade on Capitol Hill at 3 o’clock in the morning yesterday. The head of his office said there was no alcohol involved. That’s why it’s a big story, a Kennedy, a car accident and no alcohol? That’s never happened before.” –Jay Leno

“Sen. Ted Kennedy is writing a children’s book with his dog, from the dog’s point of view. Sen. Ted Kennedy has a dog named Splash. Is that the best name for Ted Kennedy’s dog? Isn’t that like that Jack Abramoff guy naming his dog Bribe?” –Jay Leno

“Ted Kennedy was stopped from going on an airline because his name somehow wound up on the no-fly list. Is this really safe for people? Ted Kennedy driving?” –Craig Kilborn

And one more thing, a quote that was probably never heard before outside of the Kennedy compound. “Geez, it’s not my fault she didn’t know how to swim.”