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Some Mark Twain Quotes

Total abstinence is so excellent a thing that it cannot be carried to too great an extent. In my passion for it I even carry it so far as to totally abstain from total abstinence itself. - autograph inscription in album to Mrs. Rutherford B. Hayes, reported in The Washington Post, June 11, 1881 When...

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Some Bob Hope Quotes

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 08-02-2010

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Here are some jokes from on of the all time great comedians, Bob Hope:

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

I do benefits for all religions – I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything till noon. That’s when it’s time for my nap.

I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance – waiting for the bathroom.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They’re the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

I like to play golf in the low 70’s. If it gets any hotter than that I’ll stay in the bar!

I love to go to Washington – if only to be near my money.

I’ve always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.

If you haven’t got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.

Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

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