“A very joyous week. A week where the whole world was watching a bunch of men trying to climb out of a hole they dug for themselves — but enough about the Democrats. Lets talk about those Chilean miners.” –Bill Maher

“Americans love Chilean miners. I haven’t seen so much hoopla about an endless procession emerging from a scary hole since the Octomom.” –Bill Maher

“One guy had four women waiting for him; there was the wife he never divorced, then there was the woman he lives with, then there was his current girlfriend and then the baby mama. He is now known as the Tiger Woods of mining.” –Bill Maher, on one of the Chilean miners

“They asked her to name a Supreme Court case that she disagreed with; she said Kramer vs. Kramer.” –Bill Maher on the debate between Delaware Senate candidates Christine O’Donnell and Chris Coons

“The Obama administration had quite a day today annihilating the people who might vote for them. They appealed the ruling striking down Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, even though they are supposed to be for striking it down. And then they said even if California legalized pot, the feds would still come in and bust people. But in fairness to Obama, it is an election year and Democrats can’t afford to be seen being for freedom or equality.” –Bill Maher

“New Rule: Jerry Brown must stop apologizing for being in the same room when someone called Meg Whitman a whore. If you want to see a woman really get mad, compare a whore to Meg Whitman.” –Bill Maher

“TLC just released a promo for Sarah Palin’s new reality show. Haven’t the last two years been her reality show?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Vice President Joe Biden told The New York Times that President Obama has asked him to run again in 2012. The bad news? Nobody is asking Obama yet.” –Jay Leno

“‘Jackass 3D’ just opened. It’s the life story of New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino.” –David Letterman

“Vice President Joe Biden said that the Democrats up for election aren’t running on their accomplishments because they’re too hard to explain. So basically he’s saying either voters are to stupid to understand or the Democrats are too stupid to explain it. You know what’s even harder to explain? Why the Democrats are letting Joe Biden talk with the election just a couple weeks away.” –Jay Leno

“Joe Biden said today President Obama has asked him to run again with him in 2010. So I think I speak for all late-night hosts when I say, ‘Thank you, Mr. President.” –Jay Leno

“For the first time in history, there are 100,000 home foreclosures in the month of September. 100,000 people were told this fall they were going to lose their house. 100,001 if you count Nancy Pelosi.” –Jay Leno

“You know that anti-gay candidate Carl Paladino running for governor? He had this horrible anti-gay thing the other day. It turns out he owns two buildings that house gay night clubs. So I guess when it comes to making money, Mr. Anti-Gay’s attitude is ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell.’” –Jay Leno

“Joe Biden told the New York Times that President Obama has already asked him to be his running mate in 2012. Not only that, he said Sarah Palin, Mitt Romey and the rest of the Republicans also asked him to be Obama’s running mate in 2012.” –Jimmy Fallon

“In three weeks Californians will vote on whether to legalize marijuana. Which means that three weeks and one day from now thousands of stoners will say, “Oh crap, that was yesterday?” –Jimmy Fallon

“California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman has released a new TV ad in both Mandarin and Cantonese. This is part of her effort to reach out to the Asian community. That’s how California works, where a white woman from back East, trying to replace an Austrian governor, runs an ad in Chinese to explain to people why she hired a Mexican maid.” –Jay Leno

“The Nobel Prize for economics was awarded to three economists. Should we have even given one out this year? If there’s one thing we’ve learned over the past two years, it’s that there’s no such thing as an expert in economics.” –Jay Leno

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”I’m trying to sum up President Obama’s first 11 months in office. He gave billions to Wall Street, cracked down on illegal immigrants getting health care, and he’s sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. You know something, he may go down in history as our greatest Republican president ever.” —Jay Leno

”I don’t know what exactly Clinton said to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il, but it worked, because they released them. And I have to say, it was nice to see Bill Clinton get a release he’s not almost impeached for, for a change.” —Jimmy Kimmel

”Bill Clinton has still got it. He’s still got it. He does! You think it’s easy to pick up two chicks in North Korea? But he did. And he brought them home. The two women are okay. They said they felt violated and dehumanized by their experience. And that was just the flight home.” —Bill Maher

”When you think about it and think about what it meant at the time and what it has meant since it really is one of those things that in our lifetime we have been tremendously lucky to observe the end of the wall in Berlin. The wall came down 20 years ago today. And that signaled the end of communism. Until, of course, Obama and his pinko buddies took over.” —David Letterman

”When Vice President Joe Biden heard that President Obama won the Nobel Prize, he was speechless. So, it’s already doing some good.” —Jay Leno

”Democrats are calling Christine O’Donnell ‘the Sarah Palin of the East.’ Really? She’s a loud, emotionally unstable woman from Delaware. That’s not Sarah Palin, that’s Joe Biden.” —Craig Ferguson

”A man in Washington, D.C., was apprehended by Secret Service yesterday for taking off his clothes and jogging naked near the White House. In related news, I say that’s probably the last time Biden ever takes Ambien.” —Jimmy Fallon

”President Obama’s teleprompter fell to the ground and shattered yesterday during a speech on the economy. Wow, even speeches about the economy are crashing.” —Jimmy Fallon

”Today, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she sees no need for a House resolution in praise of Michael Jackson. Pelosi added, ‘Isn’t it enough that I’m slowly starting to look like him?”’ —Conan O’Bien

”Bill Clinton revealed that he now supports same-sex marriage, even though he opposed it during his presidency. To be fair, during his presidency, he also opposed his own marriage.” —Jimmy Fallon

”There are rumors that there is a John Edwards sex tape. People say it’s twenty minutes of Edwards caressing and stroking…And that’s just the part where he fixes his hair.” —Craig Ferguson

”President Obama says he will not support a healthcare plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, ‘pull the plug on Grandma.’ Apparently, Obama’s plan calls for the much quicker pillow option.” —Conan O’Brien

”CBS News is reporting that President Obama has decided to send 40,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Obama says it’s all part of his plan to finally deliver on the campaign promises made by John McCain.” —Jimmy Fallon

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“A year into Obama’s first term in office, unemployment is higher, the national debt is higher and there are more soldiers serving in Afghanistan. When asked about it, Obama was like, “Well, technically that is change.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias ‘Barack Obama’ while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Obama is getting his mojo back. Apparently, he’s going to get this financial package. That’s right, the financial package is going through. He got healthcare. He got that nuclear weapons treaty… He’s on a roll and he’s taunting his critics. His new slogan is, ‘Change You Can Suck On.’” —Bill Maher

“Today, by the way, is our president, President Obama’s, one-year anniversary in office. I looked it up. Traditionally on the first anniversary, you give paper, so, I got him his birth certificate.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“That’s pretty amazing, Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Ironically, his biggest accomplishment as president so far: winning the Nobel Peace Prize.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley — all dependents.” –Jay Leno

“Barack Obama’s daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it’ll be cleaned up by future generations.” –Jay Leno

“As you know by now, the government is now taking an active role in the auto business. President Obama offering hope, change, and 0 percent financing.” –Jay Leno

“It’s a great day for our president, Barack Obama, who got to meet the Queen of England today. She very regally gave him a photograph of her, and he gave her an iPod! That’s quite an unusual gift from the President. Usually he gives out about $150 million.” –Craig Ferguson

“Today, President Obama announced he is using his own money to redecorate the White House. Meanwhile, he is using taxpayers’ money to redecorate the houses of A.I.G. executives.” –Craig Ferguson

“President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He’s concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that’s just in his administration.” –Jay Leno

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“Of course, this all couldn’t have been done without the help of Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. And today, the president thanked her for her unblinking support.” –Jay Leno, on the passage of health care reform

“Actually, Nancy Pelosi used the Internet to help gain support for this. She reached out to people on her favorite social networking site, Icantmovemyfacebook.com.” –Jay Leno

“Before the health care vote, protesters on Capitol Hill heckled Nancy Pelosi. But she managed to keep a stiff upper lip, as well as a tightly stretched forehead, and an unnaturally arched eyebrow.” –Jay Leno

“Speaker Nancy Pelosi is in Shanghai to debate climate change with Chinese government officials. I think she’ll do fine. These negotiations always come down to whoever blinks first.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday, during a speech, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said the CIA misleads us all the time…You know, unlike Congress.” –Jay Leno

“According to the Social Security Administration, the most popular girls name in America right now is Emma. The least popular girls name: Pelosi.” –Jay Leno

“House Speaker Nancy Pelosi now says the CIA and President Bush misled her on waterboarding. Yeah. Apparently she was misled by the Bush Administration. So she spends eight years telling everybody how dumb President Bush is, and the minute they’re in trouble, ‘He fooled me! I had no idea! He tricked me!’” –Jay Leno

“They say Nancy Pelosi was aware, as far back as 2003 that we tortured and didn’t raise any questions about it. Which raises the big question: what did Nancy Pelosi know, and when was she going to tell her face?” –Bill Maher

“This is a big controversy, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said the CIA lied to her in 2003. Yeah, apparently, they sent her a document saying that her makeup looked subtle. They lied to her.” –Jimmy Fallon

“It was so cold in Washington, it felt like Hillary’s inauguration. It was so cold, Al Gore led a prayer for global warming. In fact, by the end of the inauguration, everybody’s face looked like Nancy Pelosi.” –Jay Leno

“Many Republicans are upset with … Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s recent demand for regular use of the Air Force’s C-32 — the same type of aircraft the Vice President and the first lady use. They’re also not thrilled with her demand to be carried around Washington Cleopatra-style.” –Amy Poehler

“Today Nancy Pelosi became the first woman Speaker of the House. They say this is the furthest anyone in a dress has gotten in Washington since J. Edgar Hoover.” –Jay Leno

“Nancy Pelosi said today we’ve waited 200 years for this. 200 years? How many face lifts has this woman had?” –Jay Leno

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“But Obama’s birthday is a reminder of why healthcare is so important. As you probably know, due to a lack of healthcare coverage, Obama’s mother was turned away from a number of hospitals and was ultimately forced to give birth in a manger.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The committee said they gave it gave it to Obama partly for his idealism and commitment to global cooperation, but mostly for calling Kanye West a jackass.” –Conan O’Brien

“Obama said he will attend the ceremony in Oslo if he’s not too busy with the two wars he’s conducting.” –Bill Maher

“I thought it was very ironic that he won the Nobel Prize for peace on a day we bombed the moon.” –Bill Maher

“President Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize. The Nobel committee said they wanted to recognize the president’s fine work in bringing peace to a black professor and a white cop through the strategic use of beer.” –Jay Leno

“Today marks 100 days of President Obama being in office, which is a big deal because 100 days is when his warranty runs out. We couldn’t return him now even if we wanted to.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley — all dependents.” –Jay Leno

“Barack Obama’s daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it’ll be cleaned up by future generations.” –Jay Leno

“As you know by now, the government is now taking an active role in the auto business. President Obama offering hope, change, and 0 percent financing.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He’s concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that’s just in his administration.” –Jay Leno

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”A new study shows that the phrase most often used by President Obama is, ‘Let me be clear.’ The phrase he uses the least often? ‘Let me be specific.’” -Jay Leno

“Did you see what happened to Rush Limbaugh? Hey wanted to buy the St. Louis Rams and they wouldn’t let him. He said this was a dream he had, to some day own black people.” -Bill Maher

“The White House is calling for bailed-out executives to get a 90% pay cut. They want their pay cut 90% so it’s more in line with the job they’re doing. Here’s my question: why can’t we get this for Congress?” -Jay Leno

“Here’s the latest from the Pentagon. The generals are worried that the White House is spreading itself thin by trying to fight a war on two fronts: with Afghanistan and Fox News.” -Jay Leno

“Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University have invented a robot whose sole mission is to deliver you snacks. Got a big problem here in America. We’re getting too much exercise walking to the fridge, now?” –Jay Leno

“According to USA Today, car theft is at a 20-year low. Well, that shows you how bad the auto business is. People don’t even want to steal them now.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama announced he wants to give every senior citizen $250 next year. This is part of his ‘Cash for Geezers’ program.” –Jay Leno

“And prosecutors in New York City have filed charges against a man they claim scammed dozens of illegal immigrants by posing as an immigration lawyer. They say this guy lied to his clients, he gave them bad advice and stole their money. I don’t know, sounds like a real lawyer to me.” –Jay Leno

“And the Post Office may cancel Saturday delivery of the mail. Do you know about this? See, for young people before texting and twittering, you used to send pieces of paper to each other.” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday in Louisiana, a judge denied an interracial couple a marriage license because he felt, I quote, their children would later suffer in life from being interracial. Like when they become president or win the Masters or get an Oscar.”  –Jay Leno

“This afternoon, according to a a media psychologist that was on this cable show today, it may not be John Edwards’ fault that he cheats on his wife. Not his fault. They psychologist said he may suffer from a clinical condition known as Asperger’s syndrome. Asperger’s syndrome. No, you know what he has? He has ‘ass grabber’ syndrome.” –Jay Leno

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“There’s been some squabbling in the Republican Party. In a recent interview, John McCain’s former campaign manager said that if Sarah Palin is the Republican Party’s presidential nominee, the results will be catastrophic — as opposed to when she was the vice presidential nominee and everything went perfectly.” –Conan O’Brien

“The other day at a political fundraiser, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi got to meet actor Robert Redford. And witnesses say she was flirting with him. There was an awkward moment when Pelosi winked at Redford and $4,000 worth of Botox squirted out.” –Conan O’Brien“And earlier in the week, President Barack Obama met with 150 doctors. He got all kinds of advice from them. This weekend, he’s going to try out the tips they gave him on the golf course.” –Jay Leno

“And over the weekend, the President and the First Lady celebrated their wedding anniversary. They went out to dinner. There were no gifts exchanged. They didn’t exchange any gifts because, as you know, that would be socialism.” –Jay Leno

“And President Obama had a very tense 25-minute meeting aboard Air Force One last week with General McChrystal, our top general in Afghanistan. And apparently, McChrystal gave a speech in London last week very critical of Obama’s policies in Afghanistan. And Obama was not happy. In fact, he considers it so important, he’s thinking about canceling his upcoming appearance on ‘Ellen.’” –Jay Leno

“President Obama’s national security advisor said the President will overturn the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy in the military. Well I think that’s good. I think gay people should be allowed to serve in the military. It seems ridiculous if they’re not. And listen to this. They’ll be able to keep the same slogan, an ‘Army of One — Singular Sensation.’” –Jay Leno

“I think Obama is starting to get a little desperate. After losing the Olympics last week, he scaled back a little bit. Like, today, he was in New York, making the case for Chicago-style pizza.” –Jay Leno

“Hey, speaking of presidents, a former speechwriter to President Bush was quoted as saying that, contrary to what people think, ‘Bush wasn’t dumb.’ In fact, as we speak, that quote’s being engraved on the wall of the Bush presidential library.” –Conan O’Brien

“You hear about Letterman? I was shocked that Letterman has been having affairs. I had no idea he was even running for office.” –Bill Maher

“President Obama has banned federal employees from texting while driving, because he says it’s distracting and could lead to accidents. That’s what he said, yeah. Obama admitted that he was texting behind the wheel when he picked Joe Biden for vice president.” –Conan O’Brien

“There’s a new book out called “why women have sex” that has a list of 237 reasons why women have sex. And Letterman knows the top ten.” –Jimmy Fallon

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