***

I am not the boss of my house. I don’t know when I lost it. I don’t know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss’s job and I do not want it.

***

People will frighten you about a graduation….They use words you don’t hear often… “And we wish you Godspeed.” It is a warning, Godpeed. It means you are no longer welcome here at these prices.

***

As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by “survival of the fittest.”

***

My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own parenthood, but it didn’t because parenting can be learned only by people who have no children.

***

Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.

***

Gray hair is God’s graffiti.

***

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

***

My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!

***

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.

***

When you become senile, you won’t know it.

***

I wasn’t always black… There was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.

darnfunnyonline.com