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It was David Letterman’s birthday recently so here are some more of his best jokes over the last couple of years:

”There’s wars in Iraq, Afghanistan and now Libya. You’ve heard the expression ‘theater of war’? This is a multiplex.”

”You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I’m telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.”

”Hillary Clinton is putting on a little weight. She’d better be careful. If she gains 10 more pounds, Bill’s going to start hitting on her.”

”How about John McCain? He looks like a guy at a restaurant that says I’m leaving 10%, that’s good enough … John McCain, looks like the guy who goes to the curb for the paper and locks himself outside of the house … He looks like the guy who picks up his TV remote when the phone rings … He looks like the guy at the supermarket who is confused by the automatic doors.”

”Chelsea Clinton is getting married this weekend. A lot of security at the wedding, a huge security detail, and that’s just to keep Bill from the bridesmaids.”

”Do you know where President Obama is right now? In China. Today he was over there. They’re touring him around. He got to see where they keep all our money.”

”I mean you think about the guy, the Nigerian guy, who was going to blow up the plane. He was wearing a pair of Fruit of the Lunatic. … Guy was not too bright. He said that the reason he became a suicide bomber was to work his way up in the al Qaeda organization.”

”On his book tour President Bush is being very candid. He says he used to do stupid things when he was drunk. But think about it, who among us hasn’t had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq?”

”Good news, ladies and gentlemen. Retail sales this year are up. That is fantastic news for the economy of China.”

”Massachusetts elects a Republican who drives a truck with 200,000 miles on it. It’s a Chevy truck. Which is more hard to believe, that Massachusetts elects a Republican, or Chevy builds a truck that lasts 200,000 miles?”

darnfunnyonline.com

It was recently David Letterman’s birthday so here are some of his best jokes over the last couple of years:

”It’s interesting what former presidents do when they leave office. Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. And if you want to be motivated, who better to turn to than the guy who invaded the wrong country and started a depression.”

‘The Pentagon held a press-conference about the military operation in Libya. They are calling it Odyssey Dawn. I believe it’s the first military operation named after a stripper.”

”Doctors say Dick Cheney need a heart transplant, but Cheney isn’t worried. He’s already picked out a hunting buddy.”

”Dick Cheney predicts that President Obama will only last one term. This is coming from the same guy that predicted weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.”

”Snooki is now a published author. I’m blaming Sarah Palin. She lowered the bar.”

”TSA says they are going to crack down on the invasive pat-downs. In fact, one agent was transferred to another parish.”

”Mitt Romney looks like the guy on the ‘Just For Men’ bottle … Mitt Romney looks like a guy who goes to the restroom when the check comes … He looks like a guy who would run a seminar on condo flipping … He looks like he is the closer at a Cadillac dealership…. He looks like that guy on the golf course in the Levitra commercial.”

”You know who I am talking about? The new senator from the state of Massachusetts. Before he got into politics, he had two jobs. He was a go-go boy. And he was also a nude model. And they swore him in last week. It was a moving ceremony. He put his hand on a copy of ‘Cosmo.”’

”Here’s big news: United States Senate reconfirms chairman of the Fed. Ben Bernanke was reconfirmed. So he’ll have the job for four more years. I just hope we have an economy for four more years.”

”President Obama announced that he was running for a second term as president of the United States. There’s a brand-new campaign slogan — ‘Give me four more years to find my birth certificate.”

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