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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon and David Letterman:

“As you know, Tea Party candidate Christine O’Donnell has come out against masturbation. Well, she is already paying a a heavy price for taking this stance. In fact, today, the powerful hand lotion lobby has endorsed her opponent.” –Jay Leno

“The premiere of ‘Hawaii Five-0′ was a great episode. The cops were looking around and they accidentally stumbled upon Obama’s birth certificate.” –David Letterman

“Vice President Joe Biden says in fact the stimulus is working, and he also says his hair plugs are working.” –David Letterman

“Everybody is talking about Bob Woodward’s new book, ‘Obama’s War.’ In the book, he says Joe Biden called Middle East advisor Richard Holbrooke, ‘the most egotistical bastard I’ve ever seen.’ Then Rahm Emanuel’s like, ‘What am I, invisible?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“I saw that new movie ‘Devil’ or as Delaware Tea Party candidate Christine O’Donnell calls it, ‘Roots’” –Jay Leno

“There’s a clip going around of this Christine O’Donnell discussing how she once dabbled in witchcraft. Have you heard about this? Although she says she never joined a coven. Never joined a coven? Hey, what do you think Congress is?” –Jay Leno

“Well, you know what’s interesting, O’Donnell said she dabbled in witchcraft, and her opponent, Democratic candidate Chris Coons, he had no comment. He wanted to comment, but he lost his voice, went blind and came down with boils. It was horrible.” –Jay Leno

“This Christine O’Donnell is a very conservative woman. Not only is she against premarital sex, she is against masturbation. She even wants to outlaw beef jerky.” –Jay Leno

“The National Bureau of Economic Research announced the recession actually ended in 2009. What idiots we were! So that recession you think you’re in, that’s as imaginary as the job you used to have.” –Jay Leno

“What they don’t tell you, the next recession started in July of last year.” –Jay Leno

“The state of Delaware has nominated and they’re going to probably elect a witch as Senator from Delaware. Listen to this. One day Delaware elects a witch. The next day the recession is over. I don’t know. Is that a coincidence?” –David Letterman

“Economic experts say the recession is over. Earlier today, they were popping champagne at the unemployment office.” –David Letterman

“Yesterday, President Obama’s aide had to step in and pay more money after Obama only gave a fruit vendor a dollar for four apples. The aide said it was awkward having pay Obama’s bill. Then China was like, ‘Eh, you get used to it.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Delaware Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell is taking criticism because she once said she dabbled in witchcraft. Yeah, everyone is talking about this. O’Donnell was like, ‘If one more person claims I’m a witch, I will take legal action against them and their little dog, too!’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Folks, it seems that Al Qaeda’s number two man has released yet another tape where he criticizes the entire Pakistan government, calls them incompetent and corrupt, and demands they be thrown out of office. So, it sounds like we have a Tea Party over there, too.” –Jay Leno

“When the Pope met the Queen of England, they both said the same thing to each other: ‘Nice hat.’” –Jay Leno

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians, including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson, David Letterman and Jimmy Kimmel:

“BP is now saying they’ve captured anywhere from 35 percent to 75 percent of the oil that is gushing out of the well. Of course, you’ve got to keep in mind they usually lie anywhere from 85 percent to 95 percent of the time.” –Jay Leno

“Women won big in California, Arkansas, Nevada and South Carolina. These are exciting times. I can remember when only rich white men could buy elections. Now women can buy them, too.” –Jay Leno

“Looks like this Gore divorce could end up being pretty costly. In fact, Al Gore now talking about only trying to save half the planet.” –Jay Leno

“It was on this day in 1934 the first Donald Duck cartoon premiered. He’s 76 years old. You’d think if America loved a 76-year-old guy with a hot temper so much, we would have elected John McCain.” –Craig Ferguson

“A few days ago, Vice President Biden and Rahm Emanuel had a water gun fight during a party at Biden’s house. Meanwhile, Sasha and Malia spent the last few days trying to solve the BP oil crisis.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Here’s a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they’re capturing it with ducks.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Al Gore and his wife are getting divorced. After 40 years of marriage, it’s kind of sad. Apparently what happened was, I guess, she walked in, caught him boring another woman.” –Jay Leno

“There are signs the divorce is starting to get ugly. In fact, today, Tipper stopped recycling and bought a Humvee.” –Jay Leno

“It’s amazing to me, the new unemployment figures are not good. A lot of people out of work, yet somehow the CEO of British Petroleum still manages to keep his job.” –Jay Leno

“In an interview on NBC, President Obama said today he would’ve fired BP CEO Tony Hayward if he worked for him. But unfortunately, as you know, the White House works for BP.” –Jay Leno

“BP CEO Tony Hayward said he would just like to get his life back. He wants to get his life back. You know, I say give him life plus 20.” –Jay Leno

“The only commercial airline in Iraq, Iraqi Airways, folded this week. The CEO of Iraqi Airlines said the company could not survive in a market where everybody in the country is on the no-fly list.” –Jay Leno

“You know who performed at the Rush Limbaugh wedding? Elton John. Isn’t that amazing. It proves that there’s absolutely no ideological gap that a million-dollar check can’t bridge.” –David Letterman

“The BP oil spill turned 50 days old today. If you get it a cake, don’t light the candles.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The spill has lasted longer, cost more, and destroyed more wildlife than Sarah Palin.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Using electron microscopes, scientists have now discovered the slowest moving thing on Earth. Turns out, it’s the White House responding to the oil spill.” –Jay Leno

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