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Funny Christmas Quotes and Jokes

Here are some funny Christmas quotes and jokes from various comedians through the years: The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn’t for any religious or constitutional reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and...

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Steven Wright Jokes

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 14-10-2009

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Here are some jokes from Steven Wright who is the true modern day “king of the one-liners”.
 
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. 

At one point he decided enough was enough.

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‘What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!’

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. 

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Don’t you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don’t get it.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. 

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge… you can’t hear him talk. 

Hermits have no peer pressure.

How young can you die of old age?

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn’t know what to add to it. 

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I got a chain letter by fax. It’s very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

darnfunnyonline.com

Comments (4)

I LOVE Steven Wright. Watched him on HBO every time he was there. Wondered where he went. SO happy to know he hasn’t left the business. Good, clean hilarity never gets old- he’s THE best!! When everything in life feels wrong & out of control, Steven makes it all seem ok.

Your place is valueble for me. Thanks!…

Not so bad. Interesting things here

Very stimulating blog commentary… definitely something to think about =). Thanks for sharing this.

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