Some Milton Berle Quotes

Surprise! Men and Women are Different

What man, when he hears his spouse say, “We need to talk,” hasn’t occasionally wished that he had become a monk? The sex life would not be so good but that vow of silence thing would really come in handy at a time like that. Let’s face it, men and women are actually very different! I have...

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 26-04-2010

Tags: hilarious jokes, jokes and stuff, laugh out loud, MIlton Berle jokes, really funny jokes, witty sense of humor

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Here are some jokes/quotes from Milton Berle, a classic comedian from an earlier era:

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

Experience is what you have after you’ve forgotten her name.

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor’s sixth husband. I know what I’m supposed to do, but I don’t know how to make it interesting.

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

I’d rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I’d rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it’s terribly inconvenient.

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He’s shy a quarter of a million dollars. That’s why he’s retiring.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison – if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.

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