Some Bob Hope Quotes

Paradise for My Parasites

My nutritionist informed me the other day that I have parasites in my body. If you are getting the image of a bunch of deadbeats lining up at a welfare pay window inside my body you are probably wrong. I hope. She referred to me as the “host” of these parasites. See, now, this is the very reason...

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 08-02-2010

Tags: Bob Hope jokes, bob hope one-liners, hilarious jokes, jokes and stuff, really funny jokes

1

Here are some jokes from on of the all time great comedians, Bob Hope:

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

I do benefits for all religions – I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything till noon. That’s when it’s time for my nap.

I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance – waiting for the bathroom.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They’re the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

I like to play golf in the low 70’s. If it gets any hotter than that I’ll stay in the bar!

I love to go to Washington – if only to be near my money.

I’ve always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.

If you haven’t got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.

Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

darnfunnyonline.com

Comments (1)

Online Coupons said on 10-02-2011
	Pretty section of content. I just stumbled upon your web site and in accession capital to assert that I acquire actually enjoyed account your blog posts. Any way I will be subscribing to your feeds and even I achievement you access consistently rapidly.

Write a comment

darnfunnyonline

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week – 02/03/12 February 3, 2012

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, David Letterman, Conan O’Brien and Craig Ferguson: “Mitt Romney is getting some heat today for something he said on CNN. He said he’s not concerned about the very poor. I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to say that out loud. Romney said the quo […]

Steve Yeich

Funny Observations from Current Events – 01/31/12 January 31, 2012

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week: When Obama was at Disney World last week he went into one of their stores. As he was leaving one of the clerks said to him, “Mr. President, you have to pay for the Mickey Mouse ears…oh, sorry, never mind.” During a search of a Guantanamo Bay prison cell, guards found […]

Steve Yeich

Jokes by Comedian Dave Attell January 30, 2012

Here are some jokes by stand up comedian Dave Attell: I make my own fun. Like today, I’m sitting on the couch, right? My dog’s licking himself, right? I’m touching myself, right? We catch each other’s eyes — we both start laughing. I know what women like. I know you’re looking at me, thinking, ‘How does he know?’ I know. I know what they like: lots and lots […]

Steve Yeich

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week – 01/27/12 January 28, 2012

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay leno, David Letterman, Conan O”Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, and Jimmy Fallon: House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi says she has dirt on Newt Gingrich, but so far she’s keeping her lips sealed — because that’s how the last surgeon left them. –Conan O’Brien Olive Garden announced they’re und […]

Steve Yeich

Jokes by Stand-up Comedian, Jimmy Allen January 25, 2012

Here are some jokes by a very good stand-up comedian, Jimmy Allen: To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. Now, if a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky. Women have an easier time purchasing condoms than men because women are bold. Women aren’t bothered by it. Women will walk into that drug store, ‘Y […]

Steve Yeich

Funny Observations from Current Events – 01/24/12 January 24, 2012

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week: According to a poll, 43% of Americans thought God helped Tim Tebow win football games. But many of them also resented it because that meant God was sitting at home watching football while they were at church. President Obama was in Disney World last week where he unv […]

Steve Yeich

David Letterman’s Top Ten Lists – 01/16/12 to 01/19/12 January 23, 2012

Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week: Top Ten Revelations In The Interview With Newt Gingrich’s Ex-Wife 10.He keeps getting married just for the cake 9.Their towels were monogrammed “His” and “Current Wife’s” 8.Newt has a revolving account at Dairy Queen 7.He never leaves home without a set of blank divorce papers 6.He was born in Kenya 5. […]

Steve Yeich

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week – 01/20/12 January 20, 2012

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel and Craig Ferguson: “Mitt Romney, whose father was born in Mexico, is now talking up his Mexican heritage. Not to be outdone today, Newt Gingrich said he once cheated on one of his wives with a woman named Juanita.” […]

Steve Yeich

Call Me Mister Fix-It January 19, 2012

This week I had some computer troubles. Being a man, I was, of course, confident that I could fix it myself. So, as I’m sure you can guess, I went to my tool box and got my most trustworthy tool, duct tape, and decided to get started. As you might be guessing by now, duct tape is actually the only tool in my tool box. Truthfully , it’s not so much a tool […]

Steve Yeich

Funny Observations from Current Events – 01/17/12 January 17, 2012

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week: Illinois passed a new law that allows people to eat road kill they find on the highway. Taco Bell was like, “Oh great, another competitor for our meat source.” Newt Gingrich has an excellent chance to be our next President because he has so much in common with many A […]

Steve Yeich

darnfunnyonline.com

Featured Post

Paradise for My Parasites