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Here are some of David Letterman’s best jokes about Hillary over the last several years:

One week, and Barack Obama will be the new President of the United States. I’m telling you, things are really starting to look bad for Hillary.

Bill and Hillary Clinton helped drop the ball in Times Square on New Year’s Eve. But it was frigid. It was bitter cold, it was icy. And that’s just their marriage, ladies and gentlemen.

The suburbs are cold also. Up in Chappaqua, Bill and Hillary accidentally got into the same bed. It’s that cold.

Hillary Clinton is going to be secretary of State in the Obama Administration. Well, political insiders are now saying that Barack and Hillary actually have a good working relationship, but they don’t have a close personal relationship. No, wait a minute, that’s Hill and Bill.

Are you excited about Hillary Clinton? It looks like she’ll be named Secretary of State. They’re talking about that. And she’ll also receive the home version of the presidency and some other wonderful prizes.

Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he’s got his mother-in-law, who is going to be living with him, and they are talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me.

Now this is a tough process because when, you know, you are going to appoint to you a Cabinet-level position, there is a whole process. It is a vetting process. And a questionnaire, and there was some trouble, because they filled out the questionnaire, running the check on Hillary. Listen this. Turns out, she was married to a guy who was once impeached.

How about this, they’re talking about Hillary Clinton maybe secretary of state. She takes that job, it means she will be spending a lot of time away from home. So today she took out her pantsuit with the travel stickers, and then she bought an electronic ankle bracelet for Bill.

But I’m telling you, ladies and gentlemen, in the world of politics, there is always something that goes haywire, always something that screws up, always something that ruins a lovely event. There is always that bump in the road, and it happened earlier today at the White House. An historic meeting, you have Barack Obama meeting with George W. Bush, and he showed up there for his orientation tour. So did Hillary.

How about that Hillary? She’s all upset because they have been using her recorded message of her criticizing Barack Obama. The McCain campaign got ahold of this audio where Hillary is saying unflattering things about Barack Obama, and they’re using them now. They call it one of those robocalls. Do you ever get some of those? Hillary is furious, because she wanted to make those calls herself.

And did you hear what happened down in Washington, DC, earlier today? Guards had to wrestle and apprehend an intruder who was trying to jump over the White House fence. Nice try, Hillary.

Celebrity birthdays, do you like celebrity birthdays? Hillary Clinton, 61 years old yesterday, how about that? Hillary and Bill shared a quiet birthday dinner, followed by a quiet breakfast, followed by a quiet lunch.

By the way, if you want to get Hillary a gift, you can’t go wrong with a gift certificate from Bed, Bath and Bitterness.

You know, that’s what people are saying, they’re saying that Sarah Palin is transmitting, every time she blinks, it’s some sort of coded message that she’s transferring over the television to the public. I remember the same thing, Hillary Clinton, same thing. Do you remember that? She used to actually — this is true — she used to send coded messages by opening and closing her pantsuit.

Congratulations to Bill and Hillary Clinton: this weekend, 33rd wedding anniversary. How about that? And you thought the Iraqi war was a never-ending conflict.

That’s right, Hillary Clinton’s celebrating 32 years of marriage to Bill, or as Hillary likes to call it, ‘the Bridge to Nowhere.’

But the big wedding anniversary; I mean, at least Hillary gets to have one celebration this year, so that’s nice.

But, you know, when Sarah Palin and John McCain make an appearance together, there’s always a brief hug, just kind of a brief hug. No kissing. So whenever you see them, like on stage some place or getting on or off a plane or whatever on TV, a brief hug, no kissing. … It’s just like Bill and Hillary.

I don’t know if you are aware of this or not, but this Democratic convention, they’re trying to be environmentally friendly. Even the confetti that they drop, that’s actually shredded Clinton subpoenas.

Hillary gave a rousing speech, it was so passionate, emotional, I’m telling you, Nancy Pelosi’s face almost moved.

And then what they did, they showed an inspirational film about the political career of Hillary Clinton, and whoa — moving, terribly dramatic and very insightful The name of the film about Hillary Clinton I believe was entitled ‘The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantsuit.

Hillary Clinton’s campaign right now, this very minute, is $20 million in debt. Now, when she gets that 3 AM call, it’s from a collection agency.

Politics is a dirty business. Hillary Clinton announced she’s running for president, and the Republicans are already busy digging up dirt. They found out that once in her lifetime she slept with Bill Clinton.

Bill Clinton’s been getting in the way of Hillary’s campaign. Can you believe that? She’s really upset about it, so she’s encouraged him to start dating again.

It’s true, everybody is in the holiday spirit. Last night, Bill Clinton saw the “Nutcracker.” Not the ballet, Hillary.

Hillary Clinton is ending her campaign, but really in the bigger sense it’s sad because, think about it, there goes right down the drain the Clinton dream of a being a two-impeachment family.

But don’t discount Hillary Clinton, because she’s nothing if not shrewd. … Don’t ever forget that. Hillary has a back-up plan. First, nothing but superdelegates. Remember when we heard all about the superdelegates? … Well, now she has another back-up plan to get to the White House. She’s going to marry John McCain.

Hillary Clinton, senator from New York, announced she wants to be president. She would be our first female president, if you don’t count James Buchanan.

Are you familiar with the Hillary Clinton 3 AM phone call commercial that she’s been running? Well, she’s got another one of those, and the phone rings at 3 AM, Hillary answers the phone, she picks it up, and she says “Stop bothering me, President Obama!”

Hillary criticized Obama so strongly that at one point he yelled at her. He just said, “Hey, easy, lady, we’re not married.”

You all excited about the 2008 presidential election? There’s some interesting potential matchups. For example, Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani. On the one hand, you have a pushy New Yorker with a history marital problems. Or, you have a pushy New Yorker with a history marital problems.

Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she’s too angry to be president. Hillary Clinton, Senator Hillary Clinton, too angry to be president. When she heard this, Hillary said, “Oh yeah? I’ll rip your throats out, you bastards.”

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Things Overheard at the George W. Bush Presidential Library Dedication

Friday, April 26, 2013

10. “Is it ‘library’ or ‘libary’?”

9. “On your right is the hall of unread intelligence memos”

8. “Where did you get that suit – Men’s Wearhouse?”

7. “They forgot to build an exit for the Afghanistan war exhibit”

6. “Hey, Cheney, slow down on the cocktail weiners”

5. “It’s the only presidential library with a mechanical bull”

4. “What’s Nixon doing here?”

3. “I’m missing golf for this crap?”

2. “Who knew Bush was born in Kenya?”

1. “Duck!”

Top Ten Other AP Twitter Account Bulletins

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

10. Betty White’s pregnant

9. Seal Team 6 captures Reese Witherspoon

8. For a good meal at a fair price, you can’t beat Golden Corral

7. Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes — same guy

6. Apple replaces iPhone with edible PiePhone

5. George W. Bush to open presidential library (hard to believe, but that’s actually true)

4. Lindsay Lohan acquitted of all charges

3. Latvia calling it quits

2. Critics agree: Letterman at the top of his game

1. Governor Chris Christie skips dessert

Top Ten Signs Your First Day As A News Anchor Didn’t Go Well

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

10. Well, you’re wearing two neckties

9. Kept mispronouncing your own name

8. Weatherman tells you to expect an 80% chance of unemployment

7. Your tearful, on-air admission of falsifying your resume

6. Referring to Kim Jong Un as “Our great and powerful leader”

5. No one appreciated your Walter Conkite impression

4. Last story of the broadcast announced a job opening for a news anchor

3. Received congratulatory phone call from Sue Simmons (video of Sue: “What the f**k are you doing!?”)

2. Kept dropping your pants and yelling “This just in!”

1. Aspired to be the next Ernie Anastos (video of Ernie: “Keep f**kin that chicken”)

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

All five living presidents will gather for the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library. President Obama says he hopes he can pick up some ideas for when he builds his. It’s going to be called the “Blame George W. Bush Presidential Library.” –Jay Leno

In observance of Earth Week, NBC currently is running its entire prime-time line-up completely into the ground. –Jay Leno

A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women’s facial expressions. The main reason? They are not usually looking at her face. –Jay Leno

Basketball great Dwight Howard, who reportedly has four children from four different mothers, is expecting a fifth child with a fifth woman. Dwight’s going to be a father again — as opposed to the rest of the Lakers, who are mostly grandfathers. –Jay Leno

Remember the kid from Notre Dame who had the imaginary girlfriend, Manti Te’o. They are saying he will be taken in the first round of the NFL Draft. We heard that from his imaginary agent.  -David Letterman

The New York Jets say they will take the best athlete possible in the draft. They’re going to take the best athlete available. It’s the same strategy the Kardashian sisters use. -David Letterman

The Internet celebrated a major milestone yesterday. It’s the eighth anniversary of the very first video uploaded to YouTube. YouTube was founded in 2005 by a small group of visionaries who asked the question, “What if nobody in America ever got anything done ever again?” –Jimmy Kimmel

Microsoft founder Bill Gates is in a little trouble today. Apparently people in South Korea are mad at him for giving a one-handed handshake to the country’s president, which over there is a sign of disrespect. And in hindsight, the hand buzzer wasn’t a great choice either. –Jimmy Fallon

South Koreans are really upset about this, but Gates says it’s just a miscommunication — while Americans say it’s payback for “Gangnam Style.” –Jimmy Fallon

A new report found that the worst job in the U.S. is being a newspaper reporter. They say it’s better for writers to just focus on fiction and become a CNN reporter. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that the way someone sneezes can say a lot about a person. For example, if they hold their sneeze in, they’re humble. If they cover it, they’re respectful. And if they just sneeze into the air, they’re standing next to you on the subway. –Jimmy Fallon

U.S. intelligence agencies have put together a psychological profile of Kim Jong Un. They say he’s a narcissist, and he is obsessed with Hollywood, obsessed with plastic surgery, and obsessed with the NBA. It’s a condition we know as “Kardashianism.” –Jay Leno

Oscar-winner Reese Witherspoon was arrested for disorderly conduct when she interfered with a police officer’s DUI arrest of her husband. Reese admitted she had also been drinking. –Jay Leno Apparently she told the officer she once played Johnny Cash’s wife, June Carter. But they didn’t believe her — because she couldn’t “walk the line.” –Jay Leno

NBC sportscaster Al Michaels got arrested over the weekend for DUI. His blood alcohol level was .08. And of course, NBC was ecstatic. .08 is the highest number anybody on this network has gotten in years. –Jay Leno

NBC announced this week that we are going green to promote new ways to save our planet. Save our planet? We can’t even save our prime-time lineup! –Jay Leno

Computer hackers hacked into The Associated Press Twitter account and they faked reports about an attack on the White House. And I thought, “Wait a minute, the real news isn’t bad enough? Now we’re making up bad news?” -David Letterman

According to new poll information, Americans now think very strongly positive about George W. Bush. By God, maybe there’s hope for me! -David Letterman

Former Congressman Anthony Weiner is back on Twitter. It’s like giving Lindsay Lohan the keys to the mini bar. -David Letterman

Today France legalized same-sex marriage. The next step is legalizing same-sex mistresses. –Craig Ferguson

Today is William Shakespeare’s birthday. He would have been 449 years old, or as CBS calls it, “our demographic.” –Craig Ferguson

There is talk that Apple CEO Tim Cook might get fired because of the company’s bad performance in the stock market. You can tell Tim Cook is trying to keep his job because he was like, “Have you tried turning the company off and back on again?” –Jimmy Fallon

The miniseries “The Bible” was a big hit. Now it’s being cut down to three hours so that it can be released in theaters. And apparently theaters will be able to feed an entire audience with just one bucket of popcorn. –Jimmy Fallon

A company in California has started selling a new cologne that smells like whiskey. I think my dad’s been wearing that cologne for 40 years. –Jimmy Fallon

A woman in Florida crashed her car into a Target store. But in her defense, the store did have a giant target on it. –Jimmy Fallon

Today is also Earth Day; NBC put green light bulbs in because it’s Earth Day. What a tremendous contribution they’ve made to Earth Day. –Jay Leno

Scientists have discovered that the feeling that you’re being watched is hardwired into our brains. In fact, the only people who don’t have the feeling of being watched are on prime time here at NBC. –Jay Leno

There are rumors that Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber are back together. I just want that adorable little girl to be happy again. Maybe Selena can get something out of it, too. –Craig Ferguson

It’s Earth Day today. Let me tell you something about polar bears. They’re endangered but you have to be careful because a polar bear is one of the few animals that will stalk a human. If you go to where polar bears live, it might stalk you and when you’re on the plane going home, it might be behind you reading. –Craig Ferguson

In honor of Earth Day, tonight’s program will be made up of 100 percent recycled jokes. –Craig Ferguson

Happy Earth Day. Did you know there are Earth Day greeting cards? There is no better way to celebrate Earth Day than chopping down trees to make cards. –Jimmy Kimmel

Reese Witherspoon got into trouble. She was arrested for disorderly conduct. She asked the cop, “Do you know my name?” Does that ever work? The answer is either “No,” which is embarrassing or it’s “Yes, I do, and you’re going to jail.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Reese released a statement saying she is deeply embarrassed and clearly had one drink too many. But that’s Earth Day for you. People just get hammered. –Jimmy Kimmel

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries have finalized their divorce, and they did it two weeks before they were scheduled to go to trial. Even their divorce ended before it really started. –Jimmy Fallon

Kim said it’s nice to finally not be married after over a year of sort of not being married. –Jimmy Fallon

NBC has canceled its reality dating show “Ready for Love” after just three episodes. Other NBC shows were like, “They made it to three episodes? What’s their secret?” –Jimmy Fallon

Viewers complained the show was complicated and confusing — marking the first time a dating show has been canceled for being exactly like dating. –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Obama unveiled his 2014 budget.  Before it is passed there will be a lot of give and take.  Mostly taking from the taxpayers and giving to the government.

According to a new survey, 48% of male dog owners said they rely more on their computers than on their dogs, to which the dogs replied, “Yeah, well can your computer do this for you?” as the dogs sniffed their owners butts.

The city of Stockton, California has declared bankruptcy.  The mayor is so desperate he has even been responding to e-mails from Nigerian royalty.

Target has officially apologized for calling the color of a plus sized dress on their website, “Manatee gray.”  They said they understand now that some manatee’s are actually brown.

Last week Dick Cheney used politically technical terms to describe our situation with North Korea as, “We are deep doo-doo.”  I hate it when leaders use terms we laymen can’t understand.

Obama’s new budget has $8 billion for job training programs.  The $8 billion dollars will create many jobs for government trainers, who will then be laid off and collect unemployment because there are no actual jobs to train people for.

Lindsay Lohan will be moving into the Seafield Center on Long Island for 90 days of drug rehab.  Her father, Michael, was treated there in the late 80’s so we can expect this rehab to be equally as effective as her previous rehabs.

Carnival is now offering Caribbean cruises for as little as $38 per night.  Running water, working toilets and barf bags are all extra.

An 18 year old girl from the UK has only eaten packaged noodle soups for the last 13 years.  She realizes this has not been the healthiest diet so she is going to upgrade it by starting to eat at McDonald’s.

The Iranian government is claiming their scientists have developed a time machine. I thought the Iranian government was already back in the 19^th century.

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Denny’s Wedding

Thursday, April 11, 2013

10. “I guess the Waffle House was booked”

9. “I said I wanted to get married at Disney”

8. “You think this is bad – they’re having their honeymoon at Sleepy’s”

7. “You may now exchange onion rings”

6. “By the power vested in me, the assistant manager, Keith…”

5. “I’d like to read a passage from appetizers”

4. “You got them a deep fryer? I got them a deep fryer!”

3. “We’re registered at Jenny Craig”

2. “The waiter’s in the kitchen giving the maid of honor a sausage slam”

1. “You may now Heimlich the bride”

Top Ten Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Your Accountant

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

10. Take off your clothes and sit on the examining table (Harvey Tanton)

9. Good news — you earned enough to co-sign my mortgage! (Whitney Boyd)

8. My client Wesley Snipes said prison wasn’t so bad (Phil Defalco)

7. Would you like to touch my rubber thumb? (Lawrence Spielman)

6. I’m faxing over your 1099 form right now [makes faxing sound] (Gary Schatsky)

5. Care to make a tax-deductible donation to the Taliban? (Bob Manger)

4. Give me fifty bucks — I’ll make your taxes disappear (Andrew Ross)

3. Do you have someplace to stay until things blow over? (Sandra Bussell)

2. Ignore the blood stains (Richard Koenigsberg)

1. Ey, Nice W-2s (Andrew Rubin)

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

It’s starting to get serious — China has warned North Korea about starting a war. China told them flat out, “Do not fire any missiles at the United States at least until after we get our money. They owe us $16 trillion. Wait until then.” –Jay Leno

Some experts believe North Korea has a missile that could reach Los Angeles. And of course, if North Korea did attack Los Angeles, that would start a war with Mexico. The whole thing would escalate. –Jay Leno

According to The Wall Street Journal’s website, Anthony Weiner may run for mayor of New York City. Their website said that Mr. Weiner didn’t respond to an email seeking comment. Hey, Anthony Weiner didn’t email or text you back? Consider yourself lucky! –Jay Leno

Charlie Sheen is on the show tonight to talk about his hit TV show “Anger Management.” In fact, they’re adding a new character this year — Rutgers coach Mike Rice. –Jay Leno

A new report claims that almost half of Justin Bieber’s 37 million Twitter followers are fake. Even more disturbing: The other half is real. –Conan O’Brien

Japanese engineers have created what they call a “Girlfriend Jacket” that replicates the sensation of being hugged by a woman from behind. Once again, Japanese engineers remain on the cutting edge of creepy loneliness. –Conan O’Brien

Quentin Tarantino has had to alter “Django Unchained” so it can be shown in China. It will be “Django Escapes the iPad Factory.” –Conan O’Brien

Rihanna broke up with Chris Brown after she caught him cheating with a waitress. Rihanna said she knew something was up when Brown came home with another woman’s lipstick on his knuckles. –Conan O’Brien

South Korean officials today say they’re highly confident that North Korea will launch a media-range missile any time now. Which I guess means Dennis Rodman failed. –Jimmy Kimmel

Why do I feel like this whole thing could be solved by sending Kim Jong Un a Disneyland pass? –Jimmy Kimmel

The Cookie Monster was arrested last weekend. Not the real Cookie Monster — the one that dresses up like him in Times Square. A woman claimed he shoved her 2-year-old and cursed her out because she didn’t give him a tip. There’s a reason he’s called the Cookie Monster and not the Cookie Gentleman. –Jimmy Kimmel

Finally, after months of wrangling, President Obama has unveiled his highly anticipated 2014 budget. And apparently neither Democrats nor Republicans are happy with it. Then Obama said, “Yeah, that’s how you know it’s good.” –Jimmy Fallon

Just a week after naming the color of a plus-sized dress “Manatee Grey,” now Target is having to rename a pair of sandals called “Orina” because “orina” means “urine” in Spanish — while the name “Target” is just Spanish for “Fancy Wal-Mart.” –Jimmy Fallon

Dick Cheney told House Republicans that the U.S. is in “deep doo doo” with North Korea. Incidentally, “deep doo do” is the color of the suit I just got at Target. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found evidence that humans may have a so-called “lazy” gene. Scientists would know more, but why bother? –Jimmy Fallon

We had unusually high winds last night. I looked out my window to see that the wind had blown down a huge palm tree. Then I turned on my TV and saw Michigan had blown a huge lead. Congratulations, Louisville Cardinals. NCAA champions. Beat Michigan, 82-76. –Jay Leno

Here’s an amazing stat. the Lakers’ Dwight Howard has missed more free throws this year than Steve Nash has missed in his entire 17-year career. Even more amazing, Kobe Bryant has now taken more shots than Lance Armstrong. –Jay Leno

The acting president of Venezuela has put a curse on voters who don’t vote for him in next week’s election. Today Mitt Romney said, “You can do that?” –Jay Leno

That shows you the difference between our two countries. See, over here in America we’re cursed no matter who we vote for. –Jay Leno

In high school Kim Jong Un starred in a production of the musical “Grease.” That’s also where Kim met his first wife, Olivia Newton Jong. –Conan O’Brien

North Korea is ruled by Kim Jong Un. Over the weekend, the premier of China told Kim Jong Un to chill out. Now, when the premier of China tells you to chill out, it’s like Mel Gibson saying, “Whoa, easy on the tequila.” -Craig Ferguson

Japan gave warnings too. They said if North Korea tests this new weapon, Japan will have no choice but to set up their own missile defense system. They’re adorable little missiles with “Hello Kitty” on them. -Craig Ferguson

This is unprecedented. First China, now Japan. I haven’t seen people turn against a fat Korean guy this quickly since “Gangnam Style.” -Craig Ferguson

This week on the “Today” show, Chelsea Clinton said she’s open to running for political office one day. When she heard that, Sasha Obama was like, “Cool. How does secretary of state sound?” –Jimmy Fallon

A prop phaser gun from the “Star Trek” TV show recently sold for $231,000 at an auction — making it the most expensive thing you can point at someone right before they beat the crap out of you. –Jimmy Fallon

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg said that he’s challenging himself to meet a new person every day. If only there were a website that could make that easy. –Jimmy Fallon

Last week people broke into the home of Miami Heat star Chris Bosh and stole $479,000 worth of jewelry while he was at his birthday party. Though on the plus side, now his friends know what to get him next year. –Jimmy Fallon

Here’s something I didn’t know. When Vice President Biden and President Obama meet for lunch at the White House, the chef goes out of his way to personalize their meals. For example, Biden’s lunch always comes with a toy. –Jay Leno

Little is known about North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un other than the fact that he is ruthless, he supports torture, and he is a huge basketball fan. I’m sorry, that’s not Kim Jong Un. That’s Rutgers basketball coach Mike Rice. I had them confused. –Jay Leno

Stockton, Calif., has become the most populous city in the nation to go to bankruptcy. Stockton is so broke, the 99 Cent Store has been accused of price gouging. –Jay Leno

You know what they call “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” in Stockton? “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.” –Jay Leno

The company that owns Pabst Blue Ribbon beer has been approved to buy Hostess Twinkies. A company spokesman said we want to branch out from people who don’t care what they drink to people who don’t care what they eat. –Conan O’Brien

Top fashion designer Michael Kors has launched a new campaign to stop world hunger. His first step: Stop hiring supermodels. –Conan O’Brien

Kim Kardashian, who is five months pregnant, reportedly wants to give birth by C-section. In other words, even in childbirth, Kim is determined to avoid any kind of labor. –Conan O’Brien

There’s this trend now of politicians cutting their salaries by 5 percent because of budget cuts — except for Vice President Joe Biden. He won’t do it. Though in fairness, it’ll take Biden at least a month to figure out what 5 percent of his salary is. –Jimmy Fallon

Dennis Rodman is on the show tonight, fresh off his trip to North Korea and his appearance on “Celebrity Apprentice.” I’m gonna ask him what it was like to spend time with a crazy power-hungry madman — and then we’ll talk about Kim Jong Un. –Jimmy Fallon

This is scary. Scientists have discovered a new type of tarantula that is eight inches wide. Even environmentalists were like, “You killed that thing, right?” –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are some of the classic jokes by HennyYoungman, the true king of the one-liners:

I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.

A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, “Are you comfortable?” The guy says: “I make a good living.”

Take my wife… please.

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. “Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?”

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman “Can I park here?” “No” says the cop. “What about all these other cars?” “They didn’t ask!”

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

I asked a Jewish man “Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?” He said “Yes”, and walked away.

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Last week the White House had its 35^th annual Easter Egg Roll and the theme was “be healthy, be happy, be you,” and all the fat kids were like, “how can I be me if I’m happy and healthy?”  And then they added, “Just give me a soda, a pizza, a video game and leave me alone.”

President Obama proposed spending $100 million to map the human brain in hopes of unlocking some of its mysteries, for example, why the federal government spends so much money on useless crap like this study.

The other day on the White House basketball court President Obama made 2 of 22 shots.  Not only that, but his golf game is struggling, causing him a lot of stress.  Luckily, he doesn’t have to worry about those pesky problems like a bad economy.

Pope Francis is going to review the scandal ridden Vatican Bank as one of his first actions.  It’s surprising actually, who even knew there were altar boys working with the priests at the bank.

Scientists now say that frogs can predict earthquakes, so now if you see a frog on the weather channel telling you about a coming earthquake we can thank the scientists.

According to a new poll, 13% of Americans think President Obama is the antichrist, while Obama himself, considers he is Christ.

Kim Jung-Un of North Korea has threatened to attack America.  But then, he has also recently threatened to get a normal haircut but he hasn’t done that either.

The city of Stockton, California has declared bankruptcy.  Their economy was so messed up they even asked Greece for a loan.

According to a new poll, 52% of Americans support legalizing marijuana.  Many of the others were too high to give an opinion.

According to the National Enquirer, Cher is falling apart.  Luckily, she’s no stranger to plastic surgery so she can be put back together again.

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Little Known Facts About Hell

Friday, April 5, 2013

10. Front door – Turkey; back door – Trenton

9. It’s loosely modeled after Kennedy Airport’s Delta terminal

8. Most people are there for loitering

7. Smells like a Yankee Candle store

6. People give away endings to films without saying “spoiler alert”

5. High temperature and humidity good for sinuses

4. Considering ban on large sodas

3. Everyone shares one bathroom

2. Waiters are extra-chatty

1. After recent takeover, was renamed “Trump Hell”

Top Ten Things We Will Miss About Jay Leno

Thursday, April 4, 2013

10. Whenever he used a “Headline” I sent in, I got a “Tonight Show” T-shirt

9. Now I’m the only guy in late night television who’s not a Jimmy

8. He looks damn good in denim

7. Driving one of his antique fire trucks

6. Playful spats with Gelman

5. If you broke down on the freeway, Jay was always there to help with a camera crew

4. Can’t remember the name of the bit, but it’s the one where Jay is walking

3. He’s mom’s favorite talk show host

2. I won’t be able to do this anymore (Dave does Leno impression)

1. Watching him interview big stars who won’t do this show

Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Traveling with Your Monkey

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

10. “When was my last tetanus shot?”

9. “Would it be easier to FedEx the monkey?”

8. “Why didn’t I think of this sooner?”

7. “Should I take my monkey out of school for this?”

6. “Are we visiting countries that consider monkey a delicacy?”

5. “Isn’t this the premise of every disease-outbreak movie?”

4. “Will other travelers mind the smell of monkey?”

3. “Should my monkey and I just take a staycation?”

2. “Do I have my monkey’s allergy medicine?”

1. “Germany is welcoming to monkeys, right?”

Top Ten Signs Your Baseball Team Isn’t Ready for the Season

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

10. Your first baseman is so fat, he’s also your second baseman

9. Your cleanup hitter has asked to work from home

8. Most of your players believe the uniform buttons in the back

7. Minutes before first pitch, clubhouse kid runs to Dick’s to buy bats

6. Already planning your October vacations

5. Most players spent off-season attempting to steal back their memorabilia

4. Opening Day giveaway is a letter of apology from the General Manager

3. Something is still not quite right with the big dance number

2. Team doctor: Conrad Murray

1. You’re the New York Mets

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, David Letterman, Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

Folks, I’ve got to be honest with you. I had a really awkward day today. I had to call David Letterman and tell him he didn’t get “The Tonight Show” again. –Jay Leno

I want to congratulate our good friend Jimmy Fallon. He’s going to do a great job. I just have one request for Jimmy: We’ve all fought, kicked, and scratched to get this network up to fifth place — now we have to keep it there. Jimmy, don’t let it slip into 6th. We are counting on you. –Jay Leno

Things move so quickly. Jimmy hasn’t even taken over yet and the rumors have already started — like NBC says in five years they plan to replace Jimmy with Justin Bieber. –Jay Leno

Former President George Bush has invited President Obama to the opening of his presidential library later this month. President Obama said he’s looking forward to going through the library to see if there was anything else he could blame Bush for. –Jay Leno

Even though I’m from Boston, I feel right at home in the South. I really do. You see, Boston is also full of people with thick accents who hate the Yankees. –Conan O’Brien

A lot of celebrities live in Atlanta. Elton John has a house here. In fact, you know you spotted Elton John when you think you have spotted Lady Gaga’s grandmother. –Conan O’Brien

How many folks earlier today saw the white smoke coming out of the chimney at NBC? I got a call from my mom today. She says, “Well, David, I see you didn’t get ‘The Tonight Show’ again.” –David Letterman

Didn’t we just go through this? Jay Leno is being replaced — this is the second time this has happened. It’s crazy. He’s being replaced by a younger late-night host. What could possibly go wrong? –David Letterman

But NBC, bless them, announced the official date for Jay Leno’s departure. No mention of his official date of return, however. –David Letterman

The White House has now put together a website for kids. It’s a website to teach kids how to manage a budget responsibly. The website is called “Irony.gov.” –David Letterman

t was announced officially today that starting in February of next year after the Olympics, I will take over as new host of “The Tonight Show” on NBC. Excuse me. OK, I’m told it’s a different Jimmy that’s going to be hosting. –Jimmy Kimmel

Jay Leno passes the torch to Jimmy Fallon. OK. Does anybody know what the return policy is on a yacht? — because I could be in a lot of trouble. –Jimmy Kimmel

Public Policy Polling asked a group of 1,200 registered voters, and 13 percent said they believe Obama is the Antichrist and another 13 percent were not sure. I feel if he were the Antichrist, he would be getting more legislation passed. –Jimmy Kimmel

Welcome to the show, everybody. This is “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” — for now. –Jimmy Fallon

You’ve probably heard the news. I’m going to be taking over for “The Tonight Show” next February. But don’t worry. Until February our focus is right here on . . . whatever this show is called. –Jimmy Fallon

The federal government says it will do one more study on the risk of cellphone radiation. Or as the guy with the third ear growing out of his neck said, “That’s cool. Take your time.” –Jimmy Fallon

A new report found that, despite the slowing economy, going to college is still paying off. Unfortunately, still paying off is what you’ll be doing with your college loans for the rest of your life. –Jimmy Fallon

The Associated Press, the largest newsgathering outlet in the world, will no longer use the term “illegal immigrant.” That is out. They will now use the phrase “undocumented Democrat.” –Jay Leno

Today President Obama asked Congress for $100 million to map the human brain. And believe me, if anybody needs a map to find their brain, it’s Congress. –Jay Leno

Lifetime has canceled the TV show “America’s Most Wanted.” Network executives made the decision after realizing the show was still on. –Jay Leno

Apparently back in the ’80s, the lead singer of Queen, Freddie Mercury, once took a disguised Princess Diana to a gay bar. She was wearing a disguise to look like a guy so she wouldn’t get noticed. How ironic is this? When they got to the gay bar, she met a bunch of guys dressed up to look like Princess Diana. –Jay Leno

There are over 65 streets named Peachtree in Atlanta. Yesterday I punched Peachtree into my GPS. It committed suicide. –Conan O’Brien

I read that not one team from Georgia made it into the NCAA Final Four. Yeah, I read it on a list of things not to bring up while doing a week of shows in Georgia. –Conan O’Brien

Did you see Lindsay Lohan’s April Fools’ Day joke? Last night she tweeted that she’s pregnant. This morning she tweeted “April Fools.” Where’s everybody’s sense of humor? If Barbara Walters wrote it, it’s funny. But with her, it’s a reason to call Child Protective Services. –Jimmy Kimmel

Lindsay tweeted at 1:30 a.m. on April 2. She can’t even show up for her pranks on time. –Jimmy Kimmel

The women’s school district in New Hampshire has officially banned dodge ball because parents complained their kids were being targeted during games which, of course, is the point of dodge ball. –Jimmy Kimmel

The district superintendent says playing dodge ball runs, quote, “counter to what we’re trying to accomplish with our anti-bullying plan. If you really want to ban bullying in school, there’s only one way to do it. You need to ban children from school. –Jimmy Kimmel

Last night Lindsay Lohan went on Twitter and announced that she’s pregnant, but it turns out that it was just an April Fools’ Day joke. Most people laughed it off, while Us Weekly paid 10 grand for the baby photos just in case. –Jimmy Fallon

Yeah, Lindsay said she was pregnant but it was just an April Fools’ joke. Weirdly, no one was more relieved than that fake baby. –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday President Obama shot baskets at the White House and made only two shots out of 22. Even Dick Cheney was like, “That guy needs to learn how to shoot.” –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama went only two for 22. It’s tough times for Obama — one minute, he’s asking Congress to raise the debt ceiling; the next, he’s asking them to lower the hoop. –Jimmy Fallon

Before we get started, let me say that NBC and I have reached a peaceful, amicable agreement that will be beneficial to both sides. April Fools! It will never happen. –Jay Leno

North Korea is now threatening the United States with all-out war. You can see they’re stepping it up. In fact, they released 10 more photos of Kim Jong Un looking through binoculars. –Jay Leno

Happy birthday to former Vice President Al Gore, 65 years old today. But sadly, he could not enjoy his party because he was so obsessed with how fast the ice cream was melting. –Jay Leno

According to the United Nations, more people have working cellphones than have working toilets. Hey, so do most Carnival cruise ships. That’s not unusual. –Jay Leno

Today was opening day for Major League Baseball. And it’s a big deal here in New York. Yankees fans were like, “Let’s win it.” Mets fans were like, “Let’s have fun out there, you guys.” –Jimmy Fallon

It was so cold that one guy charged the mound just to cuddle with the pitcher. –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama is getting ready to unveil his new budget nine weeks after its original due date. Or as his dog Bo put it, “Yeah, yeah. I ate the first draft. I know the drill.” –Jimmy Fallon

Last week Justin Bieber had to leave his pet monkey with customs officials in Germany after he entered the country without the right paperwork. Officials told him, “You have to leave your little friend behind. And the monkey said, “Sorry, Justin, I guess you’ve got to stay.” –Jimmy Fallon

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