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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Craig Ferguson and David Letterman:

President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan yesterday. It wasn’t as big a surprise as last year’s Navy SEALs trip to Pakistan, but it was big. –Jay Leno

Vice President Joe Biden stayed behind. He did not go on this trip. Well, thank God for that. What if there had been an emergency here at home and Americans needed somebody to come up and say exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time? –Jay Leno

Mitt Romney is fighting back at charges by President Obama and Vice President Biden that if Romney were president, Osama bin Laden would still be alive. Romney said if he were president, bin Laden would have died a slow and painful death. He wouldn’t have ordered a hit. He would’ve canceled his healthcare. –Jay Leno

President Obama has come up with a new campaign slogan — “Forward” — that’s the slogan. And believe me, if unemployment doesn’t improve by November, it’ll be “Forward my mail.” –Jay Leno

Not such a great day for President Obama. Today he admitted he “made up” a girlfriend in his autobiography. It’s a good thing Oprah’s off the air because this would have gotten him kicked out of the book club. –Craig Ferguson

A lady got arrested for bringing her 5-year-old to a tanning salon. Guess what state she is from — New Jersey. Is that a crime in New Jersey? In New Jersey, I think they call that day care. –Jimmy Kimmel

In court today, she pleaded not guilty by reason of “intanity.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Another parent of the year nominee, Levi Johnston, will become a father again — with another girlfriend. They have already settled on a name, and that name is Breeze Beretta. I’m surprised by this. Levi usually makes sound decisions. –Jimmy Kimmel

Beretta is the name of a gun manufacturer. How bittersweet for Sarah Palin. –Jimmy Kimmel

Senator Joe Biden and New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg played a round of golf together last week. Biden shot an 89 while Bloomberg shot the person who arranged a round of golf with Joe Biden. –Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that a third of Americans would not be able to pass the U.S. citizenship test. It’s a real insult to our Founding Fathers — Denzel Washington and George Jefferson. –Jimmy Fallon

Levi Johnston and his girlfriend revealed that they will name their child Breeze Beretta. I can’t tell if it’s a boy or a girl or a Jamba Juice. –Jimmy Fallon

A new report found that prostitutes are using Twitter as a free way to advertise. They are getting a lot of retweets from one user — @secret service. –Jimmy Fallon

The Secret Service announced that agents will now be assigned chaperones on certain trips. What is that? I thought the Secret Service WAS the chaperone. –Jay Leno

Did you see who President Obama brought along with him to keep an eye on the Secret Service on his latest trip? Tim Tebow. –Jay Leno

German authorities report they have discovered digital files hidden in a porn movie that outline al-Qaida’s plans for more terrorist attacks. I believe this is the first time that a porn film has ever contained a plot. –Jay Leno

Legendary poker player Amarillo Slim has passed away at the age of 83. His friends were stunned. They thought he was bluffing. –Jay Leno

Since Osama bin Laden was killed, they say the brand name of al-Qaida has been damaged. Osama bin Laden’s death has damaged the brand — that and poor customer service. –David Letterman

Occupy Wall Street is back. There were protests everywhere today. They marched all the way to the White House. It’s not easy to get all the way to the White House. Just ask Newt Gingrich. –Craig Ferguson

Occupy Wall Street is in L.A. as well. They were expecting thousands of protesters, but it didn’t happen. A lot of people stayed home because there was something very frightening going on in L.A. today — a light rain. –Craig Ferguson

The Octomom, who filed for bankruptcy, has agreed to star in an adult film. They’re expecting that once it hits the shelves, it could sell tens of copies. –Jimmy Kimmel

How is it possible that the Octomom resorted to porn before she resorted to “Dancing With the Stars”? I’m not sure who to be sadder for, Octomom or ABC. –Jimmy Kimmel

Last night I fell and hit my head on the floor, and for the first time this season I actually saw some stars while watching that show. –Jimmy Kimmel

On Saturday night I was speaking at the White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner. I roasted the president, some politicians, and the news media. Barbara Walters was there and was upset about a joke I made about her. I don’t want to turn it into a feud because I know Barbara will pull my heart out and have if roasted by her servants. –Jimmy Kimmel

Today Mitt Romney visited a firehouse here in New York City. Of course, he was disappointed when he learned that the firehouse is not where you get to fire people. –Jimmy Fallon

Last week, a hunter in Kansas shot his friend twice because he mistakenly thought he was a turkey. After the first shot, the guy said he wasn’t a turkey. But, come on, that’s exactly what a turkey would have said. –Jimmy Fallon

There’s a new restaurant in Oregon that serves food infused with medical marijuana. It’s annoying when customers call the waiter over and they’re like, “Hey, we never got our appetizers. Wait, did we get our appetizers?” –Jimmy Fallon

A couple in Indiana claims that a deer got into their house and filled up their bathtub with water. Even weirder — the deer also lit some candles and put on a John Legend CD. –Jimmy Fallon

The Secret Service has withdrawn its protection of Newt Gingrich in advance of him formally announcing the suspension of his campaign. His Secret Service protection was costing us $44,000 a day. I guess they figured it wasn’t worth it anymore to protect Newt from all the people trying to ignore him. –Jay Leno

President Obama has revealed his new re-election slogan — “Forward.” That’s a good message for Obama. He’s telling voters, “Whatever you do, don’t look back at all those campaign promises I made.” –Jay Leno

Here’s a little bit of history. On this day in 1789, George Washington became the first president of the United States after just narrowly beating out Ron Paul. –Jay Leno

According to the New York Post, John Edwards has gone from $500 haircuts to $12.95 haircuts at Supercuts. The next haircut he’s going to get in prison will be free. –Jay Leno

It turns out that there is a woman in an apartment on the Upper East Side who has lived in the same apartment for 100 years. So congratulations to Barbara Walters. –David Letterman

A year ago Osama bin Laden was killed. He was executed in Pakistan. They say that Osama bin Laden would be alive today if his bodyguards hadn’t been screwing around with hookers. –David Letterman

Osama bin Laden was watching TV when the SEAL Team 6 busted in while he was in there with three wives. Just before the SEAL Team 6 came busting in he turned to his wives and said “Hey girls, let’s see who is on “Leno.” That was the last thing he said. –David Letterman

I hosted the White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner on Saturday night. The entertainment was me and President Obama. He was very funny, and made jokes about the fact that he ate a dog. Some people thought it was undignified for the president to joke about that. Personally, I feel like once you eat a dog, dignity is pretty much out the window. Get what you can out of it. –Jimmy Kimmel

I was making jokes about the Secret Service while they were 10 feet away from me with machine guns in their hands. President Obama made jokes about them and he didn’t get much of a reaction either. They’re probably laughing on the inside. –Jimmy Kimmel

Strange development in the Secret Service prostitution saga. They issued new rules of conduct on Friday, and on some trips they will send chaperones to make sure the rules are enforced. Am I nuts, or is this weird? We have to give the Secret Service chaperones to make sure they don’t get drunk and have sex? –Jimmy Kimmel

After the prostitution scandal in Colombia, Secret Service agents are banned from bringing guests back to their hotel room. The new policy is raising lots of questions like, “So, your place then?” -Jimmy Fallon

Last week, a man running the London marathon stopped 800 yards from the finish line to propose to his girlfriend. Unfortunately, though, a guy from Kenya passed him and ended up proposing first. -Jimmy Fallon

There’s a new dating site aimed at matching up women who like to travel with men willing to pay for their trips. It’s part of a new dating trend called prostitution. -Jimmy Fallon

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I am a movie buff.  I like to watch movies very much.  It’s a little known fact how many of the most famous movie quotes actually were originally written very differently and had they not been re-written they would not have had nearly the same impact.

I did a lot of research on this and the research I do for this web site is well documented. In fact, there is a document on my desk right now that says I actually do research, despite what anybody else says.

Here are some examples of how some famous quotes were changed, and it’s lucky they were:

One of the most famous movie quotes of all time by Clark Gable in Gone with the Wind, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn,” was originally quite different.  The first version went like this, “Gee, Scarlett, (Gables’ eyes start to tear up) maybe we can sit down and discuss this and come to a compromise that will work equally well for both of us…No? Okay, I guess I’ll be leaving then, but remember the door will always be open for reconciliation.”

I think we can all agree that the flavor of the movie would have been changed if they gone with the original version.

Here’s another example of how re-writing can make a huge difference.  In the Godfather, Marlon Brando said, “I’m going to make him an offer he can’t refuse.”  The original version was like this, “I’m hoping and praying I can come up with something that will work for all of us.”  That may have weakened the movie a bit.

Then there was the famous quote from Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz, “Toto, I’ve got a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”  This one was vastly different with the original one being, “Toto, where the f*** are we now?  Oh, what the hell am I asking a damn dog for?  That damn wicked witch must have put a f***ing spell on me.”  If they had stuck with that line it would have hurt the Dorothy character’s likability.

Another classic movie quote was from Robert Duvall in Apocalypse Now.  The line was originally going to be, “I love the smell of flowers in the morning.”  That didn’t work.  So they decided it needed more of an edge and they made it, “I love the smell of coffee in the morning.” Still no good.  Finally they settled on, “I love the smell of napalm in the morning,” and the rest is history.

I know what you are thinking now.  You are thinking I’m making this all up and you are probably saying to me now, “I WANT THE TRUTH.”  And my answer to that is, “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH.”  So that’s all I have to say about that, at least until next time when I might just do more of these because I’m having fun..and that’s the truth.

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Here are some jokes from comedian and actor, Damon Wayans:

I realize what I need to do is start being more aggressive ’cause I don’t want to be one of these celebrities that just becomes a recluse. That’s when you start hanging out with monkeys and stuff.

I got pulled over by a bicycle cop in L.A. — not a motorcycle cop, a bicycle cop. And I’m in my car, and he gets out — he’s sweating, he’s got these little shorts on. ‘You know how fast you were going?’ ‘Yeah, a lot faster than that bike.’

(On celebrity adoptions) It’s a status symbol, you know? They want to have something nobody else got. It’s like, ‘Yeah, this is the 2005 Cambodian. They only made 7 million of these.

People ask me do I ever, like, go back to the ‘hood? Do I ever go back? And it’s like — no, I don’t go back because they won’t be happy to see me. They’ll rob me. They’ll be like, ‘Yo, run that money. We know you got money, run your pockets. Yeah, tell your brother Marlon to come through, let me rob him, too!’

(On suicide bombers) I just don’t understand how they get the people to blow themselves up. That’s a tough sell. They say, what — 15 virgins, or something like that, when you get to heaven? That don’t work here in America. Give me one good ho here on earth.

(On fans fighting athletes) I don’t understand — what are fans doing fighting athletes? What don’t you understand about the word ‘athlete’? These are human machines. I say — fight the referee, fight the ball boy.

My brother’s trying to get me to fast. My brother said, ‘You gotta fast, like, every month so you can pure your system.’ I’m like, ‘You know what? When we was back in the projects, we fasted.’

People change in Hollywood. My brothers, now — they’re all vegetarians… They say, ‘Hey man, you shouldn’t eat hot sauce. It’s got sodium in it.’ I’m like, ‘When’d you start reading hot sauce?’

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Congress is still very upset about the whole Secret Service/prostitution scandal.  They are launching an investigation to find out why they weren’t allowed in on it.

According to his book, Dreams from my Father, President Obama said that when he was a young boy he ate dog meat.  Now, apparently, he is saying his dog is getting back at him by eating the true figures on unemployment and that’s why he’s making up his own numbers.

The TSA frisked a 4 year old in an airport.  So, now if you work for the TSA it’s not just legal to be a general pervert but you can be a pedophile as well.

According to a recent study only one out of ten women considers herself attractive.  The irony is that if a man can get a woman naked he doesn’t really care what she looks like.  Additionally, many men during sex are thinking of other women anyway.

Last weekend was the NFL player draft.  Some of the players that got drafted were so excited they partied like government employees at taxpayers expense.

It’s a law now in California that police must screen adult films to make sure condoms are being used.  As a result, there has been an influx of TSA agents applying to the LAPD.

Mel Gibson admitted on the Tonight Show that he does have “a bit of a temper.”  That’s like Al Gore admitting that he can be a little boring.

The Senate passed a bill that would allow the Post Office to stop Saturday deliveries in order to stop the flow of red ink from the agency.  So the government is sticking to its philosophy of making a crappy service even crappier in order to make it better.

Vice President, Joe Biden, was promoting Obama’s foreign policy and to prove how good the administration is at foreign policy Biden said he was going to eat in an Italian restaurant that night.

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Here are David Letterman’s Top Ten Lists from last week:

Friday, April 27, 2012
Top Ten Pieces Of Advice For Young Athletes

10.It helps to be 6′5″, 240 pounds

9.Accentuate brown eyes by playing for a team with green uniforms

8.Trash talking is part of the game, but always follow up the next day with an apology note

7.After playing on the grass, be sure to check for ticks

6.Get out now – there’s very little money in sports

5.Tebow already has God – try thanking Ryan Seacrest

4.Study hard, practice, and spend hours and hours playing “Madden 13″

3.Keep your head on a swivel, take one game at a time, and other crap like that

2.Don’t waste your money on fast cars and fast living – Invest in tattoos

1.Talk to friends, family and clergy about which Kardashian is right for you

Thursday, April 26, 2012
Top Ten Lesser-Known Animal Ailments

10.Restless tentacle syndrome

9.Limp gizzard

8.Kibble intolerance

7.Goat gout

6.Irritable owl syndrome

5.Angry birds

4.Hoarse crabs

3.Horse crabs

2.Labored meowing

1.Sprained blowhole

Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Top Ten Signs Your Boss Is A Jerk

10.Begins each day by leading a pledge of allegiance to Kim Jong-Un

9.Always asking himself, “What would Donald Trump do?”

8.Whenever you make a fresh pot of coffee, she dumps it in your lap

7.Gets upset about not getting to introduce his understudy

6.Casually walks around the office saying, “I make more than you — I make more than you”

5.You donate a kidney to her, and she’s complaining that it’s used

4.In case of fire, you’re told to stay inside and answer the phones

3.His desk is decorated with photos of your wife

2.He looks like this guy (cut to Dave)

1.Always nags you to guard the President instead of sleeping with hookers

Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Top Ten Programs On Dog TV

10.”Neuter, She Wrote”

9.”Doogie Schnauzer, M.D.”

8.”America’s Got Heartworm”

7.”How I Met Your Breeder”

6.”Bones”

5.”The King Charles Spaniel Of Queens”

4.”Keeping Up With The Pomeranians”

3.”Who’s A Good Boy?” starring Nathan Lane

2.”Two Broke Bitches”

1.”Shih Tzu My Dad Says”

Monday, April 23, 2012
Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through Philip Humber’s Mind During His Perfect Game

10.”Don’t jinx it by thinking about it, don’t jinx it by thinking about it — I’m thinking about it”

9.”Thank goodness for my catcher AJ Pierzanky…Piernoftski…Piezonski…whatever”

8.”Go sit in the truck!”

7.”Thank goodness I drafted myself for my fantasy team”

6.”The only thing better than pitching a perfect game is making a perfect meatloaf every time with my new Perfect Meatlof Pan”

5.”Can Broadway’s ‘End Of The Rainbow’ really be like seeing Judy Garland in person?”

4.”Grab some pine, ducklips!”

3.”I see the Red Sox are up 9-0 on the Yanks — that’s an easy win”

2.”I wish I could get me one of those dancing horses”

1.”Humber? How about Humbest!”

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon and David Letterman:

After winning five primaries yesterday, Mitt Romney has his new campaign slogan. “Well, I guess you’re stuck with me.” –Jay Leno

Romney proves with a little hard work and a little luck, even a multimillionaire white guy from Harvard can succeed in this country. –Jay Leno

Time magazine is reporting that Lebanon’s most wanted Sunni terrorist has blown himself up in Syria. Wow, a lot of these guys have a short fuse. –Jay Leno

Not one person was murdered in El Salvador last Saturday in what was the first homicide-free day in nearly three years. The bad news: 50 people got killed during the celebration. –Jay Leno

Yesterday the Dalai Lama said he likes George W. Bush as a person, but not as a president. When asked for comment, Bush said, “I love him as a Dalai, but not as a Lama.” –Conan O’Brien

Burger King announced that all their chickens and pigs will all be raised cage free. In response, chickens and pigs said, “That’s cool. Now let’s talk about the part where we get turned into sandwiches.” –Conan O’Brien

It’s now the law in Southern California that police must screen all adult films to make sure condoms are being used — which explains the LAPD’s new motto, “To protect and perv.” –Conan O’Brien

I would like to wish those to whom it applies a happy Administrative Professionals Day. It used to be called Secretaries Day. You’ll know it has caught on if wives start yelling about their husband, “He cheated on me with his administrative professional.” -Jimmy Kimmel

We had a big police chase here in L.A. It went on for more than two hours. If you live here, a police chase is kind of a nice way to see your old neighborhoods. -Jimmy Kimmel

The E! network has announced they have reached a deal with the Kardashian family to bring us three more seasons of their reality show. If you haven’t been keeping up with them, I will bring you up to speed. They went shopping. -Jimmy Kimmel

The deal will pay the Kardashian family — get this — $40 million. It’s the biggest contract in the history of reality television. It’s harder and harder to explain to your kids why it’s a bad idea to make a sex tape. -Jimmy Kimmel

You know Metta World Peace, that guy on the Lakers. Well, he has been suspended for seven games after he violently elbowed another player in the head — which explains his new name, “Metta Real Housewife.” –Jimmy Fallon

Speaking of the Real Housewives, tonight on the show we have Caroline Manzo from “The Real Housewives of New Jersey.” Because I mean, how else can you top having President Obama? –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday’s show was incredible — we had the president of the United States, Barack Obama, on the show. Obama hung out with me backstage, he did “Slow Jam the News,” he gave a long interview — at one point, I was like, “Dude, don’t you have a country to run?” –Jimmy Fallon

It now appears that as many as a dozen members of the Secret Service were involved in that Colombian prostitution scandal. Now six of the agents have been reassigned. The other six are now party planners for the GSA. –Jay Leno

Time magazine has come out with their 100 most influential people issue, and Newt Gingrich is not on the list. In fact, he’s not even on the list of the 100 most influential Newts. –Jay Leno

The NFL draft is going to be this Thursday. That’s a huge night for college players. That’s the night they start being paid over the table. –Jay Leno

Lakers player Metta World Peace is still being criticized for the vicious elbow he threw over the weekend. I haven’t seen an NBA player take an elbow like that since Kris Humphries got between Kim Kardashian and a camera. –Jay Leno

For the first time in 40 years, more Mexicans are leaving the United States than are coming to it. Not because of our economy. Because they’re sick and tired of explaining that Taco Bell isn’t real Mexican food. –Conan O’Brien

Megan Fox is pregnant — which is weird because I didn’t know I could impregnate someone with my thoughts. –Conan O’Brien

Some teenagers are reportedly drinking hand sanitizer to get drunk. Remember when Zima was the most embarrassing thing to drink? –Jimmy Kimmel

Teenagers have been turning up with alcohol poisoning and officials are worried it will become a national trend. Drinking hand sanitizer is of particular concern because Purell is considered to be a gateway soap. –Jimmy Kimmel

The kids use salt to separate the alcohol from the sanitizer, which makes a liquid similar to a hard shot of liquor. You know what else is similar to a shot of hard liquor? A shot of hard liquor. Why not just steal a shot of liquor from your parent’s liquor cabinet and refill it with iced tea like normal American kids, or pay a homeless guy to buy it for you like our forefathers did? –Jimmy Kimmel

Tonight on the show we have the president of the United States, Barack Obama. Unfortunately, though, a lot of people weren’t able to get tickets. That includes students, professors, Joe Biden.  –Jimmy Fallon

We also have Dave Matthews performing tonight. He wasn’t originally the musical guest, but we had a last-minute cancellation by the Tupac hologram. –Jimmy Fallon

Even though the president just got here today, I’ve been here at the University of North Carolina for two days now, and I’ve been having the best time hanging out with the Secret Service. They just know how to party. –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama said he’s not going to pander to the UNC students and tell them what they want to hear. I thought it was weird when they changed his slogan from “Yes, we can” to “Duke sucks.” –Jimmy Fallon

Newt Gingrich’s campaign is something like $5 million in debt. He is now so broke he’s no longer attacking the poor because he is one. –Jay Leno

Lakers star Ron Artest — Metta World Peace, that’s his name now — was ejected from yesterday’s game for a vicious elbow to the head of Oklahoma’s James Harden. It was such a cheap shot he was offered a contract with the New Orleans Saints. –Jay Leno

But we live in a society that rewards bad behavior. Metta World Peace just picked up an endorsement for elbow macaroni. –Jay Leno

A New Mexico company has petitioned the federal government to become the first U.S. business to offer horse meat for human consumption. You can get horse meat on the menu in some restaurants now. So if you’re in Albuquerque, avoid the Philly Cheese Steak. –Jay Leno

Mitt Romney has launched a new drive to appeal to Hispanic voters. Unfortunately, his new slogan is “Mitt Romney — I probably employ one of your cousins.” –Conan O’Brien

President Obama is proposing to keep student loans cheap as a way to appeal to college students. And if that doesn’t work, Obama’s going to resort to his second proposal, “free pizza in my room.” –Conan O’Brien

Congress is expanding its probe into the Secret Service scandal. Congressmen want to know how this could happen, who was responsible, and do those ladies take Discover cards. –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday was Earth Day, and apparently today is Find Out Yesterday Was Earth Day Day.  –Conan O’Brien

One of the Secret Service agents had this woman, and the deal was $300 and he gave her $30. I’m thinking, now wait a minute. I’ve got no problem with a guy trying to save taxpayer dollars. –David Letterman

These are jobs that should’ve gone to American hookers. –David Letterman

Kim Kardashian is dating Kanye West. Her publicist says it’s for real. In fact they’re already planning the sham wedding. –David Letterman

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Last week I re-posted an article on how baseball and sex have a lot of similarities (see it here.)  In fairness to the different sports and to sex itself I felt I should also point out the similarities between basketball and sex.  Plus, the timing is right since the NBA playoffs start this weekend.

First of all, there has to be a huge correlation between sex and basketball as evidenced by the notorious reputation that NBA players have for fathering numerous children with a variety of different women.  But the bottom line on the whole comparison is that the goal of the game is to get it in the hole.  I was speaking of basketball there, but yeah, for both of them really.

Of course, when you are trying to get it in the hole you are trying to score, either for a man or a woman.   Scoring is the object of the game.  I bet you didn’t know if I was talking about basketball or sex there, did you?  Both , really.

A good pass in basketball has a totally different meaning, but, just as in sex, it can lead to a score.

In basketball there is a lot of dribbling.  In sex there is not so much dribbling but it does occur with premature ejaculation and prostate problems.   A double dribble in basketball is a violation and if you commit a double dribble in sex, it’s even worse, because, you are likely to be on the sideline for a while.

When a basketball player sets a pick it is a good thing.  In sex, if a man picks, as in his nose or his ass, it is most likely not going to lead to sex.  Nevertheless, picks occur in both arenas.

A rejection (aka a blocked shot) is considered a good defensive play.  Arguably, the same could be said for sex.

The sixth man in basketball is a very valuable player.  However, if you are the sixth man in sex don’t even bother.

Both basketball and sex have a guard.  In the one it is the player who typically handles the ball a lot.  In the other if you are a player who handles the ball a lot you are not a player at all, except with yourself.  In sex the guard is actually called a condom.

Both of these activities have what is called a foul.  In one it is illegal physical contact.  In the other if one of the partners is foul it will lead to a lack of physical contact.

In basketball there is a thing called a three second violation.  That’s where if you stay in (the lane) more than three seconds your team loses the ball.  On the other hand, in sex, if you ONLY stay in three seconds you get to keep your balls but you are not likely to ever get back into the game.

Going “backdoor” in basketball is when the player cuts behind the defender, receives a pass from his teammate and scores a basket.  Backdoor in sex often means the husband has come home earlier than expected.

Both basketball and sex can be fun sports to play for both genders.  Basketball is also a great spectator sport.  Some people thing sex is too, but that’s a whole other story.

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Here are some jokes by stand up comedian Cory Kahaney.  She is a frequent performer on Comedy Central:

I married a lawyer, which I know sounds very impressive. Every girl dreams, when they grow up, they’re gonna marry a doctor, marry a lawyer. But me, I had to marry the only lawyer in America with a conscience. I didn’t marry the cutthroat, ruthless, gimme-all-your-money lawyer. No, I married the pay-me-what-you-can-whenever-you-can-I-just-want-to-see-justice-served lawyer. I got so ripped off, ladies and gentlemen. Do you know what it’s like? It’s like I finally banged a rock star, but he’s with a Christian band.

This is my second marriage, and I have a kid from my first marriage ’cause I like souvenirs.

I have a gay sister, which has been great for me ’cause my parents have now forgiven me everything. At this point, if I brought home a dwarf with a mohawk, six tattoos and a nose ring, as long as he has a penis, he can stay for dinner.

Why do we need 24 handicapped parking spaces at Home Depot? Could we just talk about this? If a guy can spackle his bathroom, lay pipe and put up gutters, don’t you think you can walk the extra 30 feet to the parking lot?

In some ways, all men are the same. For example, why do you all like to have sex first thing in the morning? Do we smell good first thing in the morning? ‘Cause you don’t.

I don’t really think anybody gets off properly in 69. Matter of fact, I think 69 is rude. It’s rude. It’s like saying to someone, ‘Listen, we’re gonna have sex, right? But we’re gonna go Dutch.’

I know where my daughter is every night. She’s with her friends. They come to my house, they go in her room, they close the door, and they light incense. I don’t know what’s going on in there — like, I think there’s a Zen Buddhist meeting in my apartment.

Halloween is pay day, folks. A lot of parents are strange; they say, ‘Ration the candy.’ I say, ‘Let them eat as much as they want — they throw up, the rest is mine.’ That’s how I handle Halloween.

I met a guy in a bar, which is generally not a good idea. That’s like going grocery shopping when you’re hungry and you bring home stuff that you don’t need.

I’m watching TV with my father late at night ’cause he doesn’t sleep. And you know that commercial for ‘Save the Children’? The one that comes on really late, where the lady goes, ‘For the price of a cup of coffee, 67 cents a day’? My father and I are both sitting there, thinking the exact same thing: ‘Where can you get coffee for 67 cents?!’

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It is time for another version of “It could be worse,” (which translates to I didn’t have time to write any real jokes) where we look at how things could always be a whole lot worse than they actually seem.

It could be worse:

You could be a Secret Service agent and find out that what you are doing with prostitutes is not so secret and, actually, not very servicing either.

It could be Earth Day every day, which would remind us all of Al Gore on a continuous basis.

You could be a man and have read the story that scientists say that by 2050 robots will replace hookers and then you think, “Gee, my wife is ahead of her time.  She is already like a robot in bed.”

Or you could be a woman and think the same thing about your husband.

You could be the transgendered man who gave birth to three kids and separated from his wife…Wow! Enough said on that one already.

You could be Jack Nicholson on your 75^th birthday and “not be able to handle the truth” that you are 75 years old.

You could be former Senator, John Edwards, who goes on trial this week for allegedly using illegal campaign contributions and if you are convicted it’s quite possible you will have insufficient hair care products in jail to satisfy your needs.

You could be the overweight cat in New Mexico that is comparable to a 600 pound human and develop a complex because all the neighborhood mice are mocking you.

You could be the fisherman who accidentally caught a 2,000 pound shark off the coast of Mexico and realize that’s what it’s like all the time for people who deal with lawyers.

You could be North Korea after their failed nuclear bomb test and be afraid that the U.S. is going to send a bomb of their own your way by sending a copy of the movie “John Carter” to all the theaters in North Korea.

You could be Newt Gingrich, who was bitten by a penguin at the St. Louis Zoo because it thought you were a hippopotamus trying to attack.

You could be President Obama and think that the congressional and judicial branches of the government should be cancelled…(That’s not a joke at all, just something that needed to be said.)

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some jokes by comedian, Amy Schumer, who has been seen frequently on comedy Central and other TV shows:

I’m so in love with my boyfriend right now. Everything is perfect, but we want totally different things in bed. Like, he’s always turning the lights on, you know what I’m saying? And I shut them off, and he turns them on, and the other day, he’s like, ‘Amy, why are you so shy? You know, you have a beautiful body.’ I was like, ‘Oh my god, you’re so cute. You think I don’t want you to see me?’

I’ll never forget how my best friend told us she was pregnant. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, ‘You guys, I’m keeping this one.’

I just went through a break up, actually. I’m not worried about meeting someone else or being lonely. I’m just worried about all the pictures. But my mom always told me, you know, ever since I was a little girl, ‘Never put your face in them.’

My mom’s always saying really smart things… like, you probably heard this one, ‘Why buy the cow when the milk has HPV?’ Wish I’d listened to that one.

I hate false advertising, like ‘Skittles: taste the rainbow.’ No one’s ever been like, ‘Rainbow, right you guys?’ Or what’s Reese’s? ‘There’s no wrong way to eat a Reese’s.’ Oh, really? Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear.

I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea — he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, ‘He’s probably in a band.’

There’s nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her — because the kid can tell.

Out of nowhere she tells me that Oliver Stone — you know, the director — she’s like, ‘He has this huge Asian fetish, and I find it totally offensive.’ And I’m like, ‘Why, Kwan? That sounds awesome.’ She’s like, ‘I’m offended because I’m Asian.’ And I was just like, ‘Well, I’m sorry, but I didn’t even notice that. I thought you were just really tired.’

The kids didn’t call me Amy Schumer; they called me Amy Jewmer. One summer, I’ll never forget this, all the kids took turns throwing handfuls of pennies at me. I know, I was like, ‘Excuse me — this is awesome!’

darnfunnyonline.com