Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 25-07-2012
Here are some jokes from Dov Davidoff, a stand up comedian who has been seen on Comedy Central and numerous other TV shows:
(At Starbucks) I said, ‘That’s the wrong drink.’ And he said, ‘Sorry, dude, I’m tired.’ And I was like, ‘Have a frickin’ coffee, man. That’s why I’m here.’
This dude walks up to me wearing a cape — he was wearing a cape — and he just said, ‘Dude, do you know what time it is?’ I was like, ‘You’re just gonna ask me that like you’re not wearing a cape? It’s time to take off that dumbass cape.’
I didn’t know you could name a Puerto Rican ‘Israel’ ’cause I’m pretty sure you’ll never meet a Jew named ‘Puerto Rico.’
I wish that every other guy were gay. Think about the leverage that would create in your relationship.
It’s not really dating. I don’t have any money, so we just kind of walk around. She’ll always say things like, ‘Where are we going?’ ‘Further.’
Why’s God always got such wacky sh*t to say? When’s the last time you heard somebody say, ‘God told me to get a muffin and a cup of tea and cool out, man.’
We were standing next to this guy with a bandana and a tattooed teardrop and a knife, and I said to my friend, ‘I don’t want to hang out here.’ My friend said, ‘Don’t judge people.’ I said, ‘The dude’s got a knife.’ He said, ‘He could be a chef.’
I like to dress up as a referee and walk into a Foot Locker. You gotta try this. It freaks them out. They get all insecure. The guy’s like, ‘Wait a second, can I help you?’ I was like, ‘Can I help you, man? I, too, am a referee. Maybe we could work it out together.’ And then someone will ask me for a size 10, and I’ll be like, ‘Do I look like I work here, chief?’
I saw a girl outside — had the biggest fake titties I’ve ever seen in my life. They were this big, with a half top with stuff written on the shirt, and I couldn’t help but look at it. She got mad at me. She goes, ‘What are you looking at?’ I was like, ‘Hey, if I stuff a balloon in my pants and paint a bulls eye on it, you might take a second freakin’ peek, weirdo.’
My friend said, ‘Try lamb skin. They’re really thin. Lamb skin condoms, they’re good.’ And they are. What he didn’t tell me was that right when you begin to conduct business, the whole room smells like a gyro. We were doing our thing. She said, ‘What’s that?’ I said, ‘I don’t know, but I’m getting hungry,’
(On Obama’s promise) Did you hear what he said before he was elected? He goes, ‘I’m going to go through the national budget, line by line, and I’m going to cut out everything we don’t need.’ Did you see the inauguration? They flew out his high school marching band from Hawaii. Maybe it’s me, but shouldn’t 30 Hawaiian tuba players be somewhere near the top of the ‘Sh*t We Don’t Need’ column in the national budget?