Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 11-07-2012
Here are some jokes from actor and stand up comedian D.L. Hughley:
In L.A., rich people live with rich people and poor people live with poor people. In New York, that’s from building to building. I asked my friend — I said, ‘Man, what’s a good building?’ He said, ‘A good building, you’ve got a doorman. A bad building just got a man at the door. You don’t want to mess with that.’
Everything’s real exclusive here. You got to know somebody to get in. There’s always a damn velvet rope for every damn thing. I went to the bathroom — ‘You on the list?’ ‘No, but I’m gonna be on your shoes if you don’t move out of my damn way.’
New York — I dig it, I dig it. A lot of differences here. Like, in California, if someone crosses the street, we’ll stop.
The worst day at my job is better than the best day at most. But my father — I remember, man, I called him at work and told him I had a TV show — he quit his job that day. ‘Daddy, I got a TV show.’ ‘Well, that’s it for me, damn y’all.’ I said, ‘Who gonna pay your bills?’ ‘Uh, you.’ It wouldn’t be so bad, but he wants the same stuff I get. I get a new car, ‘Uh, hey, son — when am I gonna get a new car?’ ‘When you learn how to tell some g**damn jokes.’
I don’t like flying ever since that 9/11. Every time somebody get up and go to the bathroom, I get up right with them: ‘Where you going? Leave the door open, man. We’re all family.’
The whole argument is — when does life begin? Does it begin at conception, or does it begin when the baby is an embryo? Anybody with children knows life with them don’t begin ’til they can pay their own damn bills.
Some reporter came on: ‘The shocking death of Ronald Reagan….’ Ronald Reagan was 93. When you’re 93, you’re shocked you woke up again.
Cialis has got the dumbest warnings in the world. ‘If you have an erection for more than four hours, you should call a doctor.’ If I’ve got an erection for more than four hours, I’m going to call a hooker.
Black people — we do not f**k with death ’cause it’s dangerous enough just being black. We could have an exciting day just doing regular sh*t. If we want to do something real dangerous, we’ll drive through the suburbs with a taillight out, or fill out a credit application and stay there while it’s printing out.
They got the terror alert — it’s orange, it’s yellow, it’s red. Who the hell is protecting us — Skittles?
You go to the airport, they make you take off your shoes — like black people are going to have a bomb in our g**damn shoes. As much money we pay for shoes, you must be out of your mind!
The government must think they’re God because they want 33 1/3 of your money, and God only wants 10%. I’m no theological scholar, but I’m sure that pisses God off a little bit. He’s up there, ‘Who the hell is FICA?’
The pope believes that the worst that could happen to him if he passes on is that he immediately goes to Heaven. That’s what he says, but every time I see the pope in public, he’s got that bullet-proof glass wrapped around him, which lets me know he don’t believe all that sh*t he’s talking. Praise the lord — and then, raise the glass up.
If you want to stop kids from getting kidnapped, it’s a simple thing: teach them how to cuss. That’ll stop them from getting kidnapped. You don’t believe me? You walk along in the mall, you hear some little kid shout out, ‘I don’t know this motherf**ker!’ Everybody in here will turn around then — ‘I don’t think he know that man.’
Pretty women can’t cook worth a damn. Y’all know you can’t. You can’t make sh*t but reservations. ‘Hey girl, I’m hungry.’ ‘Where do you want to eat at?’ ‘In the kitchen, that’s where I want to eat. See that box with the fire coming out? That’s a stove.’