Jokes from Stand Up Comedian Daniel Tosh
Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 13-06-2012
Tags: hilarious jokes, really funny jokes, stand up comedian Daniel Tosh, stand up comedian jokes
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Here are some jokes by stand up comedian, Daniel Tosh, who has been seen on Comedy Central and late night television:
I have a five-gallon jar at my house I like to fill with change. I don’t stop ’til I reach tip-top and that little bell goes off, and I know Cargo Pant Day is here at last, and I dance. And I put the cargo pants on with a belt — extra tight because I don’t want to have an embarrassing situation on such a great day — and I fill up all the pockets with the change. Then I get a car alarm — not a car alarm with a car, just a car alarm — and I hold it to my chest really closely. And then I go walk around the streets of Manhattan, and I wait for the first homeless person to come up to me and say, ‘Hey, you got any spare change?’ Then, I set the car alarm off: ‘You hit the jackpot, mofo!’
I think if you’re gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, ‘I’m dumb.’ That’s it. That way in 10 years, when you go, ‘Why did I get this?,’ you can be like, ‘Oh, I’m dumb!’
I think boxers are the greatest athletes in all sports for the simple fact that they don’t cry. That is mind-blowing. Have you ever been punched in the nose? Oh my gosh, it hurts so bad. They have to go back to corner, where some little man yells at them. ‘Shut up, I just got punched in the face!’… If I was a boxer, do you know who I would hire as my corner man? My mom.
If you had to eat another human being to survive, do you think they taste like their ethnic background? Mexicans are spicy? Do you have to have chips and salsa before you bite into one? Chinese people: are you hungry 30 minutes later for more?
Does everybody have their WWJD bracelets on? ‘Cause I was wearing my bracelet recently, and I was in the movie theater, and this guy’s cell phone went off — don’t you just hate that? Then he picked it up, ‘Hey, how’s it going? I’m in a movie.’ And I’m like, ‘Hey! Get off the phone!’ And he’s like, ‘Mind your own business.’ And I almost went crazy, but then I looked at my bracelet: what would Jesus do? So I lit him on fire and sent him to Hell.
If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?
God does not hate gay people. He’s just mad because they found a loophole in His system.
A lot of times people complain that their significant other takes too long to get ready to go out at night. I’ve never had that complaint and I think it’s because I never want to go anywhere, so I could care less how long it takes her to get ready.
This is what I say to the most conservative person that’s so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal. Just because the state says it’s legal, it’s not like God’s going to let them into Heaven. So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up at the pearly gates.
I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What’s it cost to go skiing — $900 a day? I can’t believe that’s not more popular in the inner cities.
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