Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 02-05-2012
Here are some jokes from comedian and actor, Damon Wayans:
I realize what I need to do is start being more aggressive ’cause I don’t want to be one of these celebrities that just becomes a recluse. That’s when you start hanging out with monkeys and stuff.
I got pulled over by a bicycle cop in L.A. — not a motorcycle cop, a bicycle cop. And I’m in my car, and he gets out — he’s sweating, he’s got these little shorts on. ‘You know how fast you were going?’ ‘Yeah, a lot faster than that bike.’
(On celebrity adoptions) It’s a status symbol, you know? They want to have something nobody else got. It’s like, ‘Yeah, this is the 2005 Cambodian. They only made 7 million of these.
People ask me do I ever, like, go back to the ‘hood? Do I ever go back? And it’s like — no, I don’t go back because they won’t be happy to see me. They’ll rob me. They’ll be like, ‘Yo, run that money. We know you got money, run your pockets. Yeah, tell your brother Marlon to come through, let me rob him, too!’
(On suicide bombers) I just don’t understand how they get the people to blow themselves up. That’s a tough sell. They say, what — 15 virgins, or something like that, when you get to heaven? That don’t work here in America. Give me one good ho here on earth.
(On fans fighting athletes) I don’t understand — what are fans doing fighting athletes? What don’t you understand about the word ‘athlete’? These are human machines. I say — fight the referee, fight the ball boy.
My brother’s trying to get me to fast. My brother said, ‘You gotta fast, like, every month so you can pure your system.’ I’m like, ‘You know what? When we was back in the projects, we fasted.’
People change in Hollywood. My brothers, now — they’re all vegetarians… They say, ‘Hey man, you shouldn’t eat hot sauce. It’s got sodium in it.’ I’m like, ‘When’d you start reading hot sauce?’