Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 21-03-2012
Here are some jokes by stand up comedian Todd Barry:
Some New Yorkers were pissed off when Kmart came to town. They were outside the store protesting. They didn’t even know what to say. They were like, ‘Down with Kmart and their merchandise that people can afford. Down with Kmart and their 300 gallon drum of laundry detergent for 99 cents. Why don’t you go take your good values to another town?’
They sell book lights now, a little spotlight you attach to your book. You know, I actually thought about buying one of these, and then I remembered, I own a lamp.
I discovered a great store this past holiday season: The Body Shop. Oh my God, that is the perfect last minute thoughtless gift warehouse.
I saw a woman on the street wearing a t-shirt that said, ‘Nurses Kick Butt.’ I don’t want a nurse who kicks butt. I’m uncomfortable with the idea of pumped up healthcare workers. I don’t want to be lying in the operating room — the door gets kicked open, there’s a guy standing there in scrubs, ‘Hi, I’m Stanley Feinberg, I’m your neurologist, and tonight, I’m gonna tear this playhouse down.’
I can understand no wallets at Old Navy, but no ties? What am I supposed to wear with my mock-ribbed turtleneck and purple camouflage cargo pants? I’ve got a funeral to go to.
I did a show in Pittsburgh. A woman runs up to me after the show, all smiling, and she’s like, ‘Oh my God, you were so much funnier live than you were on Comedy Central.’ And I just wanted to say to her, ‘You know, I bet your comments are better televised.’
I was dating a woman. Before we had our first little sex talk, she actually said this to me — she goes, ‘Todd, I’ve had anal sex before, but, uh, don’t ask me who it was with.’ I think if I made a list of every question I’d ask before that one, it would be a list of every question.
I’m a Jewish guy. Saw another Jewish guy on the street wearing a pink yarmulke. I walk closer, not only was it a pink yarmulke, it was made to look like a slice of watermelon. I think if God is so easygoing he tolerates your summer fun pink watermelon yarmulke, he’d probably be cool with no yarmulke.
People ask me all the time, ‘Todd, when you’re on the road at these comedy clubs, do you hit on the waitresses?’ People, I’m a professional, and I have a policy. I will not hit on the wait staff until every opportunity in the audience has been exhausted.
This guy’s like, ‘We’ve got to have the death penalty because prisons are like hotels.’ ‘How are they like hotels?’ ‘They’re like hotels because they’ve got the color TVs, man.’ ‘Oh, like in hotels.’ They have to have color TVs in prison, people. Do you know how hard it is to find a black and white set these days?
I’m a single guy myself. I was reading the personal ads. I saw one that said, ‘Single white female, 27, herpes: mild.’ I don’t know if we use the same rating system for social diseases as we do for taco sauce.