Jokes by StandUp Comedian Leo Allen
Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 29-08-2012
Tags: really funny jokes, stand up comedian Leo Allen, stand up comedians, Stand Up Comedy
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Here are some jokes from stand up comedian, Leo Allen, who has been seen on Comedy Central:
Do you ever go into a store and you happen to be carrying something that they sell in that store and then start to get all paranoid that they’re going to think that you stole it? That happened to me recently at the gun store.
Did you ever have someone give advice, and right in the middle of them giving you advice, you realize that really they’re just giving themselves advice through you? My father does this all the time. He calls me up on the phone; he goes, ‘Leo, Leo, leave your mother. Seriously, she’s killing you. Listen to me, don’t waste another 40 years. Because you could be a dancer; you have a dancer’s body.’
This birthday party was awkward enough from the first moment I got there because the only person I knew at the whole party was the two-year-old. So, everyone’s just looking at me, asking these boring questions: ‘Why are you in our house? How do you know our son?’ It’s called: the Internet.
We’re in the vegetarian restaurant, which is fine, except for the whole time, I had to look over my friend’s shoulder at this sign they had put up on the wall, and they framed the sign — I think that’s what really bugged me — and the sign said, ‘If animals could talk, we probably wouldn’t eat them.’ Come on, we’re already in the vegetarian restaurant! It made me want to make my own sign and hang it up right next to it with a frame that said, ‘If vegetables could talk, we’d freak the f**k out.’
I love that vegans are the only people you’re allowed to make fun of nowadays. Even vegetarians are like, ‘Pft! Stupid vegans. Why don’t you eat some milk and eggs, you pussies?’
Drinking makes you think you’re good at stuff it’s dangerous to think you’re good at, like say, communicating or drinking more or disarming a police officer or differentiating between men and women or getting into a fistfight with people on horseback.
I’m adopted. And I’m glad that my parents were honest enough with me to tell me that I’m adopted, but why every day?
So, before I did this, I worked for a while at an investment bank, which was great. They were kind of uptight, though. One day, they came in and said, ‘Leo, from now on, every Friday is gonna be casual day,’ and I said, ‘Great.’ So what I did was the next Friday, I went to work two hours late, drunk, and I wore a sundress.
If you don’t mind, I’d like to take a few moments to talk about racism ’cause it’s a serious problem. I’m Jewish, and I experience a lot of racism as a Jew, probably even more than most Jews ’cause I’m a moneylender.
Everybody knows the saying: ‘You should never go to the grocery store when you’re hungry.’ But there’s another saying that I don’t think they tell you enough which is this: ‘You should never go to the pet store when you’re lonely.’
