Jokes by Stand up Comedian Paul Mercurio
Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 16-05-2012
Tags: funny observations, hilarious jokes, jokes by stand up comedian Paul Mercurio, jokes by stand-up comedians, really funny jokes
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Here are some jokes by stand up comedian, Paul Mercurio, who has performed frequently on Comedy Central:
The salesman is using sex to sell me a CD player, giving me pressure about my love life. ‘Mr. Mercurio, it’s a five CD player carousel model. You load all five of your CDs into this baby — you’re with your woman, you’re gonna make love — you press “Play,” you can go all night.’ And I’m like, ‘You know, Mr. Salesman, I’m not really a five CD man. You got something that plays 45s? Give me two minutes — I’ll give you the world.’
I was a lawyer, a comic, a furniture salesman, then a comic. Here’s a tip for you kids out there: try not to get high on career day.
They have security in these stores. There’s a man standing at the door. Do you understand what that means? Somebody made a life decision out there that they’re willing to risk going to jail to steal something from a bargain basement clothing store. ‘Hey pal, what are you in for?’ ‘These sequined culottes.’
I reached into this pocket and found a $10 bill. You know that feeling, that moment in time? You get so excited about $10 bucks. That’s when you know you’re poor.
I’m shopping at these bargain basement clothing stores. Can you do me a favor and sign a petition? I want to change the name of all these places to Crap That Was Ugly at Full Price and Is Still Ugly at Half Price.
I think they should have mirrors in the wild, because if some of these wild animals saw themselves, they wouldn’t be so cocky. Think about it — how you look affects how you feel. Why wouldn’t that be true for the wild animal kingdom? Like the panda bear — that’s a wild animal — in his head, he’s a bad-ass bear, but if he saw himself in a full-length mirror, he wouldn’t be so cocky. He’d be like, ‘I’m adorable.’
Have you ever been so tired, you look at a homeless guy asleep on the street and go, ‘Boy, I wish I could sleep like that. I don’t need a box spring. I need a box’?
The first thing that strikes you when you go home and you’ve been away for a while is you’ve become a different person from your family: not better, not worse, just different. I grew up in a very Italian family, and I felt out of place. I didn’t feel like I fit in anymore. I felt like a square peg in a mental institution.
North Korea has the bomb. Don’t worry about it, folks — they’re Korea. Can we be honest with each other? Have you ever owned anything made in Korea that’s worked?
Who cares if North Korea has the bomb? Everybody’s got the bomb now: India, Pakistan — I have the bomb. I got it last week at L.L. Bean, in sandstone. I got the bomb, and I got a free backpack with the bomb. And the backpack comes with a free water bottle, so I can hydrate myself as I’m being melted by the nuclear fire ball.
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