Jokes by Stand Up Comedian Jim Gaffigan
Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 18-07-2012
Tags: comedy, comedy central, hilarious jokes, jokes by stand up comedian Jim Gaffigan, really funny jokes, stand up comedians
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Here are some jokes by stand up comedian, Jim Gaffigan, who has been seen frequently on Comedy Central:
I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana — mafia.
There’s a different kind of pride where I’m from. It’s not like ‘We’re from New York: we’re tough’ or ‘We’re from Texas: we like things big.’ It’s more like, ‘We’re from Indiana, and we’re gonna move.’
I wish I was ethnic; I’m nothing. ‘Cause if you’re Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, ‘He’s got a Latin temper.’ But if you’re a white guy and you get angry, people are like, ‘That guy’s a jerk.’
Isn’t it strange — when you’re single, all you see is couples, and when you’re part of a couple, all you see are hookers.
When you don’t drink, people always need to know why. They’re like, ‘You don’t drink? Why?’ This never happens with anything else. ‘You don’t use mayonnaise? Why? Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it OK if I use mayonnaise?’
Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think, ‘Oh, they’re nice,’ but if a stranger’s ugly, you’re like, ‘What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo.’
How did we get to the point where we’re paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy’s sitting there, like, ‘How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.’
My favorite animal is the manatee, the sea cow. Have you ever seen that animal? The manatee is endangered, and I think it’s because it’s out of shape. It looks like a retired football player.
You ever look for the remote control, you can’t find it, so you just decide, ‘Ah, it looks like I’m not watching TV.’
You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They’re always so condescending. ‘Ah, the book was much better than the movie.’ Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.
I’m from a very large family — nine parents.
Parents get burned out in big families. You can even see it in the naming of children. It’s always, like, the first kid: ‘You were named after Grandma’; the seventh kid: ‘You were named after a sandwich I had. I loved that. Now, get your brother Reuben.’
You think when gym teachers are younger, they’re thinking, ‘You know I want to teach, but I don’t want to read’?
I think it’d be great if you had a kid that ended up being pope. That would be the ultimate bragging rights. ‘Oh, your son’s a doctor? Yeah, ours is pope. Oh, they have a house? He has his own city.’
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