Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 23-05-2012
Here are some jokes by stand up comedian, Jackie Kashian, who has been seen performing on Comedy Central:
I moved from Minnesota to Los Angeles, and it was very scary to move to Los Angeles ’cause I thought that everyone would be mean. I thought there might actually be some shouting on the streets: ‘Hey, we’re trying to shoot “Charmed.” Get the hell out of the way.’
Somebody stole the tape deck out of my hunk of junk car. Somebody broke the passenger side window and stole the tape deck out of my vehicle. Here’s what I’d like to say to the Crips and/or Bloods who dared to dream. They broke the passenger side window to steal my $100 Best Buy tape deck. Who locks an ‘89 Mazda? Check the door, dumbass. Take what you’d like.
I love my parents. They are very, very funny people. I come by this very honestly. They’re not nice people; they’re funny. They make up for it with the funny. Granted, I was a mouthy child, I will give them that, but my mother, when she’d have enough of it, she’d say, ‘Come here, sit on my lap. Let’s look up orphanages.’
(On selling candy for Little League) I went to all the houses in the neighborhood, Dad, except for the houses that said, “No soliciting” ’cause the coach said you’re not supposed to go there ’cause those people don’t want you.’ He freaked — ‘You didn’t go to the no solicitors? Tomorrow, you go to the no solicitors. Do you know why those people got those signs up? They’ll buy anything.
He’s got all kinds of advice about show biz. He says, ‘It’s just like sales. You gotta make your opportunities. You gotta take your opportunities. You remember what Jesus said? You give a man a fish, that man knows where to come for fish. You teach a man to fish, and you just destroyed your market base.’
There’s a guy I went to college with who legally changed his name to his Dungeons & Dragons’ dude master name… He went down to the county courthouse and legally changed his name to Quest Akita. Quest Akita — what Chad doesn’t realize is if you go down to the county courthouse and change your name to Quest Akita, you don’t get to keep your plus seven armor.
I go up to the guy that I’m told to go to — an old Chinese dude, Mr. Lee — and I lay on the table, and he starts working on my back. And it’s great. It’s great. Yay! And then he starts working on my legs. And he’s working up my legs — and he’s working up my legs — until I’m forced to say, ‘Hey, that’s where I keep my vagina. You’re gonna have to move to the other leg or up to the left and faster, one of the two ’cause I’m not made of stone as I pointed out.’ And then he moved to the other leg, and no one was more disappointed than I.