Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 13-08-2012
Here are some jokes by stand up comedian, Demetri Martin , who has been seen on Comedy Central as well as numerous other venues:
I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, ‘Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.’ The paper I used said, ‘Happy Birthday.’ I didn’t want to waste it, so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.
I don’t like pinatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals.
One time, I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
About a month ago, I got a cactus, and a week later, it died. I got really depressed because I was like, damn, I am less nurturing than a desert.
I like fruit baskets because a fruit basket enables you to mail somebody fruit without appearing insane.
One of my friends has a stutter, and a lot of people think that’s a bad thing, but to me that’s just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That’s not an impediment, that’s suspense.
When you have a fat friend, there are no see-saws, only catapults.
I used to eat there all the time, but not so much anymore, not since the time I went to use their bathroom, and I saw a sign that said ‘Employees Must Wash Hands, Especially Carl.’
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades, especially if your teammates are bad guessers. Game over means game over.
I like rock, paper, scissors — two-thirds. Rock breaks scissors: these scissors are bent, they’re destroyed, I can’t cut stuff — I lose. Scissor cuts paper: this is strips, this is not even paper, this can take me forever to put this back together — you got me. Paper covers rock: rock is fine, no structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point, just say the word. Paper sucks. It should be rock, dynamite with a cuttable wick, scissors.
I saw a sign on this door; it said, ‘Exit Only.’ So, I entered it and went up to the guy working there, and I was like, ‘I have some good news. You have severely underestimated this door over here by, like, 100%, man.’
I want to make a revolving door that says ‘Pull’ on it, just see how obedient people are.
There’s a saying that goes, ‘People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.’ OK. How about, ‘Nobody should throw stones’? That’s crappy behavior. My policy is, ‘No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.’
I love women, but you can’t always trust them. Some of them are liars, like this girl I met in the park. She was walking her dog and she was cute, so I started to talk to her. She told me her dog’s name. I said, ‘Does he bite?’ She said, ‘No.’ I said, ‘Oh yeah, then how does he eat?’
I was walking down the street, and this guy waved to me. Then he came up to me and said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ I said, ‘I am.’