Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 09-07-2012
Here are jokes by Lewis Black, a very well known comic:
We came up with Earth Day so we would have one day every year that would remind us what planet we were living on.
What does the word ‘meteorologist’ mean in English? It means liar.
You’ll always feel good about your body when you go to the International House of Pancakes — no matter what your body is — because there’s always someone there who weighs 350 pounds more than you’ll ever weigh.
I knew that I’d lived in New York too long when, a few years ago, I was on a subway going downtown, and it stopped at 14th Street. At the station, the doors opened, and the conductor announced that there was a bomb on board and we should evacuate immediately. Nobody moved. We just looked at each other, ‘Do you see a bomb?’ ‘I don’t see a bomb.’ ‘There’s no bomb.’ ‘I’ve only got two stops — let’s go for it.’
The thing is, whenever I see Hillary Clinton, I feel like I have to vote for her. She makes me feel guilty because I feel like I should vote for her so that she’ll feel better about herself because she’d been in such a bad marriage.
(On George W. Bush) He’s a man who was a failure until he was 40 years old, which looks really good on your resume — if you’re a comic.
(On Arkansas ranking last in education) What could they possibly be teaching? I think what they do is they take the kids to school in Arkansas; they feed them Cocoa Puffs for three hours; then, they open the door to the school, and they let the kids run and run and run — and whoever hits the most trees gets an ‘A.’
In my life time, I went from an Eisenhower to a George W. Bush. I went from a John Kennedy to an Albert Gore. Now, if that is evolution, then I believe in about 12 years, we’re gonna be voting for plants.
(On Super Bowl commercials) Some of the commercials are spectacular. They’re extraordinary. They’re like mystery stories. You don’t even know what they’re selling until the very end: three rabbits are on a log, and one of them goes home and hangs himself — ‘Buy a bike!’
Halftime at the Super Bowl is the best because halftime at the Super Bowl has gotten exponentially worse every year. I use the word ‘exponentially’ because I was taught it in math class and that was the first sentence I could use it in. ‘Exponentially worse’ means crappier and crappier and crappier.
People believe that Hanukkah is celebrated for eight days, and that’s a ‘liar, liar, pants on fire’ situation. Most Jewish families don’t make it past the fourth day. It doesn’t happen — ‘Come on, aren’t we going to light the lights?’ ‘Eh, no. Enough’s enough.’
(On Jerry Falwell’s 9/11 theories) Did he really think it was feminists? Is that what upset God? That women a number of years ago decided to leave the kitchen and go into the work place and demand equal wages and demand power equal to a man? That’s what upset God? That God looked down into the kitchen — and there was not a stew on the oven, and the spice rack was in disarray — and he said, ‘I will smote them!’
If you’re seeing a psychiatrist, you’re wasting money because all you’ve got to do is get on a plane, get on a subway tomorrow and, inevitably, you’re going to be seated in front of some guy who’s playing with himself, and he’ll be singing, ‘Happy Days Are Here Again.’ I tell you — when I see that guy, I feel pretty good about myself.