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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week – 04/05/13

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, David Letterman, Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon: Folks, I’ve got to be honest with you. I had a really awkward day today. I had to call David Letterman and tell him he didn’t get “The...

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Jokes by Jerry Seinfeld

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 27-03-2013

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Here are some jokes by Jerry Seinfeld:

I’ll tell you what I like about Chinese people… they’re stickin’ with the chopsticks

What’s with the cab drivers and B.O.? Just how long are these shifts? It’s like they just get in the cab and drive ’til they are dead. Then they always have that cherry popit on the dashboard. Like that’s suppose to be some kind of an improvement. Now you’ve got the cherry flavored B.O. I can’t even imagine fruit going that long without a shower.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.”
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”

What’s with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking — “Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I’d better carpet the toilet too.”

What’s with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.

Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is that about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think that next time I go to a restaurant I’ll just say, “Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly.”

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, “No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?” Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Can’t we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don’t they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?

If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don’t you ever see anyone take one to the beach?

Bozo the Clown. Do we really need “the Clown”? Are we going to confuse him with Bozo the Tax Attorney? Bozo the Pope?

Why do they call it a “building”? It looks like they’re finished. Why isn’t it a “built”?

Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?

How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn’t that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don’t they rotate on their own?

All the king’s horses and all the king’s men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn’t put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?

Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? “Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!”

Isn’t it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did that happen? Did some cattleman once say, “Oh, man, I can’t wait ’til them calves are done so I can get me a hit of that stuff.”

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can’t get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can’t even get the detergent white!

Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddie seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, “And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!” I think not!

Horse racing… now here’s something idiotic. I have no idea which horse is gonna win. I don’t even think the horses know they’re racing. It’s not like they’re going back to the barn going “I was first” “I was second”…you cut me off there, watch that, next time I’ll kick your ass.” I’ll tell you one thing the horses don’t know–that if they fall and break their leg, we’re gonna blow their brains out. I think they’re missing that vital piece of information… if they did know, you’d see some mighty careful stepping going down that backstretch.

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