Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 30-01-2012
Here are some jokes by stand up comedian Dave Attell:
I make my own fun. Like today, I’m sitting on the couch, right? My dog’s licking himself, right? I’m touching myself, right? We catch each other’s eyes — we both start laughing.
I know what women like. I know you’re looking at me, thinking, ‘How does he know?’ I know. I know what they like: lots and lots of attention. You might call it stalking, but they love it… They’ll try to fool you with a restraining order.
You know what I like to do on a night like this? Sit in my apartment playing my favorite apartment game: find the smell.
Why is the Klan still having meetings? Is there any new business with the Ku Klux Klan? ‘Well, we do hate everybody, right? OK, see you next week.’
Men like looking at breasts, especially the cleavage. The cleavage! Thrusting it out at me, making me do things, making me listen to you — it’s crazy. I can’t do that. I can’t walk around with half a testicle hanging out, can I?
I only have one grandpa. We call him Grandpa Alive.
I travel a lot. I hate traveling, I guess ’cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
Sparklers are the gay cousin of the firework family. I think a flashlight is more dangerous than a sparkler. My friends have M-80s, bottle rockets, sticks of dynamite — they’re blowing stuff up, having fun; I’m walking around like the Special Olympics torch boy.
I had a dream I was trapped in an elevator with Michael Bolton, Kenny G and Yanni, and I had a gun with one bullet. Now, what do you do? I blew my head off, that’s what I did.