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Jokes by Comedian Amy Schumer

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes, Uncategorized | Posted on 23-04-2012

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Here are some jokes by comedian, Amy Schumer, who has been seen frequently on comedy Central and other TV shows:

I’m so in love with my boyfriend right now. Everything is perfect, but we want totally different things in bed. Like, he’s always turning the lights on, you know what I’m saying? And I shut them off, and he turns them on, and the other day, he’s like, ‘Amy, why are you so shy? You know, you have a beautiful body.’ I was like, ‘Oh my god, you’re so cute. You think I don’t want you to see me?’

I’ll never forget how my best friend told us she was pregnant. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, ‘You guys, I’m keeping this one.’

I just went through a break up, actually. I’m not worried about meeting someone else or being lonely. I’m just worried about all the pictures. But my mom always told me, you know, ever since I was a little girl, ‘Never put your face in them.’

My mom’s always saying really smart things… like, you probably heard this one, ‘Why buy the cow when the milk has HPV?’ Wish I’d listened to that one.

I hate false advertising, like ‘Skittles: taste the rainbow.’ No one’s ever been like, ‘Rainbow, right you guys?’ Or what’s Reese’s? ‘There’s no wrong way to eat a Reese’s.’ Oh, really? Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear.

I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea — he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, ‘He’s probably in a band.’

There’s nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her — because the kid can tell.

Out of nowhere she tells me that Oliver Stone — you know, the director — she’s like, ‘He has this huge Asian fetish, and I find it totally offensive.’ And I’m like, ‘Why, Kwan? That sounds awesome.’ She’s like, ‘I’m offended because I’m Asian.’ And I was just like, ‘Well, I’m sorry, but I didn’t even notice that. I thought you were just really tired.’

The kids didn’t call me Amy Schumer; they called me Amy Jewmer. One summer, I’ll never forget this, all the kids took turns throwing handfuls of pennies at me. I know, I was like, ‘Excuse me — this is awesome!’

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