Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 05-07-2012
Being an amateur history buff and yesterday being the 4th of July, I tried to imagine what the first 4th of July celebration was like. Here is what I came up with:
July 4th 1776
The congressmen from the various 13 colonies are lingering around in a picnic atmosphere with hamburgers and hot dogs coming fresh off the grill. John Hancock, who was the President of the Congress that signed the Declaration of Independence, gathered everyone around him.
Hancock: Okay guys. I signed the document so how about the rest of you guys come up here and put your John Hancock’s onto this document. (Smiles)…Your “John Hancock,” I like that.
Ben Franklin: It’s no “A penny saved is a penny earned,” but it’s not bad.
The signers put their signature on the Declaration of Independence, one by one. John Hancock sees that Sam Adams just signed it.
Hancock: Oh, Sam Adams, by the way, thanks for bringing the beer today.
Sam Adams: No problem, and the next time you go to the store to pick up a six-pack, don’t forget me.
Just then a tall man with a beard and a black stove pipe hat steps up on a platform and starts speaking.
Tall man: Four score and 7 years ago our forefathers brought forth to us a new nation…
Hancock: Who’s the guy with the funny hat?
Franklin: Calls himself Abe Lincoln.
Hancock: Somebody wanna Google Abe Lincoln and find out who this guy is.
A minute later a guy comes back with an answer.
One of the signers: It’s hard to read my computer screen in this sunlight but it says here that he’s the president in 1860. Ewww, doesn’t end good for him. Maybe we should tell him, he’s a good speaker and he sure is saying nice stuff about us.
Hancock: Nah, he’s another time traveler. Can’t tell him his future, it’ll upset the time space continuum, or so I’ve heard. Have security get him out of here… Interesting though, they still remember what we did here today, four score and 7 years ago (he counts on his fingers and his assistant whispers in his ear.)
Assistant: That’s 87, sir.
Hancock: Yes, right, 87 years ago. I wonder if 200 to 250 years from now people will remember it too…
Ben Franklin: Well, you know what they say, “Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.”
Hancock: What does that have to do with anything? And, enough with the witticisms, already.
Ben Franklin: You watch, that one will catch on before you know it.
Hancock: Anyway…Hey, Thomas Jefferson, have you started working yet on that idea that you had for a Constitution?
Jefferson: No, that’s still a few years down the line. My biggest fear is that people will pervert it and you’ll have these “Constitutional Scholars” in the future that pretend to know what it means and do the opposite.
Hancock: Don’t worry about that, you are a great writer, just do the best you can. After all, every era has assholes, just look at that guy.
He points to a drunk guy with a bucket on his head as he staggers into a tree and everyone laughs.
(On a more serious note for a change, our forefathers were great men who rose above the extreme problems of the day and gave us a wonderful foundation for the government we have today. It’s fantastic that we have a day every year to commemorate that. Hopefully, we’ll all begin to conserve, or get back, that government on a daily basis. If not, we could very easily be ordering Chinese take-out on the fourth of July’s of the future instead of having a picnic.)