Top Ten Signs You’re Watching a Bad Science Fiction Movie

Friday, May 17, 2013

10. It’s called “Journey to the Center of Chris Christie”

9. Takes place eight minutes in the future

8. It’s rated ‘R’ for brief robot nudity

7. Recreates the history of the galaxy in real time

6. Monsters don’t come out during the day or the night

5. People wear more aluminum foil than seems believable

4. The entire film is home video shot by a guy riding space mountain

3. Alien villain portrayed by a spray-painted chimp

2. Introduces Darth Vader’s sister, Ruth Vader Ginsburg

1. It’s two hours of a guy polishing his phaser

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Retirement Home Brothel

Thursday, May 16, 2013

10. “Is that heavy breathing or labored breathing?”

9. “Talk dirty and loud”

8. “My hip!”

7. “This time you be the kaiser”

6. “My other hip!”

5. “It’s been four hours – call 911″

4. “Clear!”

3. “Care to join me on the plastic slipcover?”

2. “Teeth out is another twenty”

1. “Welcome back, Regis”

Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Spending $2 Million On A Painting of A Naked Bea Arthur

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

10. “Should I discuss this with my therapist?”

9. “Can it possibly live up to how I imagined her naked?”

8. “What’s the catch?”

7. “Is this auction clothing-optional?”

6. “Is this what people mean when they say, ‘Dude, you’re into weird stuff’?”

5. “How many more images of a naked Bea Arthur do I need?”

4. “Why has no one snatched this up already?”

3. “Will it go with my bronze statue of Shelly Winters?”

2. “Can I have it delivered in time for Father’s Day?”

1. “How much for just the frame?”

Top Ten Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Your Doctor After Gastric Band Surgery

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

10. “All done, Fatso!”

9. “You’re alive?!

8. “Open your mouth and say ‘Moooo!’”

7. “We didn’t have to, but I shaved you”

6. “When we opened you up, it was like a Golden Corral”

5. “If you experience any discomfort keep it to yourself”

4. “I went ahead and added the gastric suspenders”

3. “You’re beautiful when you’re unconscious”

2. “And now the easy part: diet and exercise”

1. “Your gender reassignment was a success”

Top Ten Things You Don’t Want to Hear From the Person Sitting Next to Your On A Plane

Monday, May 13, 2013

10. “I’m gonna need more than one air sickness bag”

9. “I’ve been watching you sleep”

8. “1,894 miles to go… 1,893 miles to go… 1892 miles to go”

7. “Technically, I’m supposed to be piloting this thing”

6. “If you say ‘Boeing’ enough times, it begins to sound like your bouncing: ‘Boeing’, ‘Boeing’, ‘Boeing’…”

5. “Now that I think about it, I definitely didn’t pack my own bag”

4. “Sardine?”

3. “Excuse me for a minute while I light my underpants”

2. “The last time I flew, I had to be restrained” (photo of a guy restrained on an airplane)

1. “Am I squeezing your leg too hard?”

darnfunnyonline.com

This week marks the 40th anniversary of the Watergate hearings. For those of you too young to remember, back then the administration had an enemies list. They were spying on reporters, and they used the IRS to harass groups they didn’t like. Thank God those days are gone forever. –Jay Leno

A lot of critics are comparing President Obama to President Richard Nixon, which is unfair. Nixon’s unemployment rate was only 5 percent. –Jay Leno

This whole IRS thing has become a huge story. They apparently were targeting conservative groups like the tea party. You know it’s bad when President Obama says, “Hey, why don’t we talk about Benghazi?” –Jay Leno

The National Aquarium in Washington is going to close. But don’t worry. If you’re in D.C. and you still want to smell something fishy, stop by the White House. They’ve gone from “Change you can believe in” to “Changing the story until you believe it.” –Jay Leno

In a new interview, Joe Biden says he spends four or five hours every day with President Obama. In response, Obama said hiring that Obama impersonator was the best decision he’s ever made. –Conan O’Brien

Since President Obama took office, the Democratic Party has lost nine governorships, 56 members of Congress, and two Senate seats. In his defense, Obama said, “Well, I did promise change.” –Conan O’Brien

China announced it will no longer buy recycled trash from the U.S. I don’t have a joke here. I’d just like to give a round of applause to whatever genius has been selling trash to China. –Conan O’Brien

O.J. Simpson was in court this week trying to overturn his conviction on armed robbery and kidnapping. O.J. said, “I’m tired of everyone thinking of me as a robber and kidnapper and forgetting what a great murderer I am.” –Conan O’Brien

Have you folks been paying attention to what’s going on in Washington? In a matter of six weeks we have three big scandals, and it looks like President Obama and all his buddies in the White House may go to prison. Finally, some good news for the Romney campaign. –David Letterman

People always say this to me: “Hey, Letterman,” they say. “Why don’t you make jokes about Obama?” All right, I’ll tell you why. I don’t make jokes about him because I don’t want the FBI tapping my phone, that’s why. –David Letterman

They see Benghazi as a real powder keg. This scandal, they believe, may go as high as Dennis Rodman. –David Letterman

Here’s the problem. When you get scandals in Washington — like the IRS, Benghazi, and the FBI — it really gets in the way of not getting things done. If they don’t fix these crises pretty soon, honest to God, it could bring gridlock to a screeching halt. –David Letterman

The Cannes Film Festival was yesterday. Everyone who’s anyone in show business is in France right now. “But Craig, you’re here in Los Angeles.” Exactly. I’m lower on the show business ladder than Justin Bieber’s monkey. –Craig Ferguson

The Germans are like, “No, Bieber. We are keeping your monkey. It is never leaving Germany again. This Bieber monkey is the new Hasselhoff of Germany. –Craig Ferguson

Every year there’s a jury at the Cannes Film Festival. Getting on the jury is very competitive in France. Not because the French love cinema, but because they love to judge. –Craig Ferguson

O.J. Simpson took the witness stand. He’s serving up to 33 years on armed robbery, assault, and kidnapping charges. He won’t be eligible for parole until 2017 and who knows if we’ll have even have “Dancing With the Stars” by then. –Jimmy Kimmel

The most notable thing to come out of the trial is that O.J. has put on a lot of weight in prison. I think he found the real killers and ate them. –Jimmy Kimmel

He’s hoping if he’s granting a retrial they’ll let him serve the remainder of his sentence under Waffle House arrest. –Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama is not having a good week. With three scandals shaking the White House, they’re saying this is one of the worst weeks of Obama’s presidency. Obama was like, “How could things get worse?” And Joe Biden was like, “You rang?” –Jimmy Fallon

A town in Minnesota has appointed a 4-year-old boy to be its mayor. People got pretty annoyed when he said his first plan was “waising taxes.” –Jimmy Fallon

Next season “Dancing With the Stars” will be cut back from two nights a week to just one — while “American Idol” will be cut back from two nights a week to a puppet show at Ryan Seacrest’s house. –Jimmy Fallon

The heat wave is continuing. There are warnings this could be a long, hot summer and they are telling everyone to cover up. Believe me. You don’t have to tell the Obama White House twice. They know all about covering up. –Jay Leno

Today the White House unveiled its latest high-tech weapon: the IRS audit. –Jay Leno

I love what IRS commissioner Steve Miller said today about this whole targeting conservative groups thing. He said, “Mistakes were made, but they were in no way made with a political or partisan motivation.” Yeah, “Mistakes were made” — try saying THAT during your next IRS audit. –Jay Leno

First it was Benghazi, then the IRS scandal, and now this phone records scandal. Remember the old days when President Obama’s biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden? What happened to those days? –Jay Leno

President Obama’s right in the middle of three scandals. The IRS ratting out people it doesn’t like. Benghazi, number two. And they say Obama has been phone tapping the AP. So three big scandals. Here’s what I prefer: Weiner and Spitzer. Now those are scandals my writers can really work with. –David Letterman

OJ Simpson is back in court. He’s gained weight. Apparently the only knife OJ has been using lately is the butter knife. –David Letterman

Remember: If the pants don’t fit, you must acquit. –David Letterman

It was just revealed that the Department of Justice secretly recorded the phone calls of AP journalists for two months. Obama promised reporters that the incident will be immediately investigated — by the Department of Justice. –Jimmy Fallon

The founder of Spanx announced that she is giving away half of her fortune to charity. She told her family, “We’ll be fine. Things are just going to get a little tighter. –Jimmy Fallon

The Philadelphia Eagles new coach, Chip Kelly, recently got rid of the team’s long-running tradition of having fast-food Fridays. He says that he wants his players to live healthier lives. Then he sends them out to hit other people with their heads. –Jimmy Fallon

Officials in Belize say that a construction company accidentally destroyed a set of Mayan ruins that were 2,000 years old. Or as the Mayans put it, “Eh, it’s not the end of the world.” –Jimmy Fallon

I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke, but I don’t want to get audited by the IRS, so forget that. –Jay Leno

The IRS has now admitted that they targeted conservative groups for extra scrutiny. That’s why Mitt Romney wanted to be president so bad — to keep the IRS off his back. –Jay Leno

Barbara Walters announced her retirement today. Good, I’ll have somebody to hang out with next year. –Jay Leno

O.J. is trying to get a new trial. His lawyer said, “Look, O.J., we’ve been through this before. It’s a long shot. And O.J. said, “You know what? I think I’ll take a stab at it.” –David Letterman

A new study says by 2030 household robots will dominate every phase of our lives. The study says the No. 1 field for robot growth is medicine. That makes sense. Robots already perform well in surgery. That is, until there is a power outage. Then it’s just a coat rack leaning over you as you bleed to death. –Craig Ferguson

On Friday, a truck in Ohio overturned on a highway and spilled hundreds of hot dogs. It got even more annoying when another truck came along and spilled two less buns. –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

President Bush briefed Barack Obama on the state of the nation this week. I don’t know that things look bad, but after the briefing, Obama called McCain and said, ‘You still want the job?’

This was actually in the paper today, that both parties are already preparing for 2012. Isn’t that unbelievable? But I was thinking, it’s going to be tough for Barack Obama to come up with a campaign slogan for 2012. I mean, what’s it gonna be? ‘Don’t change, everything’s fine, don’t change anything, keep it exactly the same!’

In the latest issue of Sports Illustrated, Barack Obama says if he is fortunate to win the White House, he would like to install a basketball court. That’s what he said. It’s going to be built right on top of what is now the bowling alley.

Actually, Barack Obama’s wasting no time. He has chosen Illinois Congressman Rahm Emanuel as his chief of staff. Rahm Emanuel. Apparently Barack’s first order of business, no guys with regular names. Okay, that’s it! No Larrys, no Bobs! Just Barack and Rahm.

Don’t you love how the different news outlets put their own slant on it? Like see how Fox News is covering Barack Obama’s first 24 hours? They said, ‘Day One: American Held Hostage!’

Barack Obama spent his first day as president-elect putting together his transition team. And if you believe MSNBC, by tomorrow he will have chosen all 12 of his disciples.

Hey, did you see Barack Obama on the news? He took time out to take his kids trick-or-treating, that was nice. But he’ll only let them take candy from households making over $200,000 a year.

Hey, I watched ‘American Idol’ last night, the Barack Obama show. Did you all see Barack Obama’s infomercial? It was called “American Stories.” You know why they called it “American Stories”? I guess it sounded better than ‘Barack Obama Running Out the Clock.’

The show was very well done. I got to admit, I especially liked the end, where Barack rose to the heavens on a cloud. Wasn’t that unbelievable?

Here’s the amazing part, this is true, it was the highest-rated show on NBC last night. NBC’s already talking to Barack about picking it up for 13 more episodes.

This is exciting. Earlier this evening, Barack Obama’s 30-minute infomercial appeared on three of the major networks. Fox, CBS and NBC. And, of course, NBC was thrilled to be considered a major network. We haven’t had that in years!

Now, if you didn’t see it, one part was a little odd. At the end, Barack said, ‘If you vote now, we’ll throw in a set of steak knives and a can of Oxiclean.’

And of course, this Barack Obama appearance was historic for our network. Did you know this? This is the first time a black man has appeared on NBC in prime time since Bill Cosby.

Barack Obama continues to lead in the polls. Barack said, today, if it wasn’t for Fox News, he might be up two or three more points in the polls. So apparently, five of the six news channel openly rooting for him isn’t enough. You gotta get that last one.

Barack Obama also says that both men and women should have to register for the draft. What do you think of that? The first woman he wants signed up? Sarah Palin.

Barack Obama has bought a half-hour of airtime on CBS. He’s now negotiating with NBC, but they have some disagreement. See, Barack just wants to buy a half-hour, but NBC wants him to buy the entire prime-time schedule for the entire rest of the year.

Barack Obama said today the government’s $700 billion bailout should not be a blank check. Barack Obama says he knows that $700 billion is a lot of money. In fact, it would take him at least 10 Hollywood fund raisers to come up with that kind of money.

And the first presidential debate will take place this Friday night. They say John McCain’s challenge will be to distance himself from President Bush. And Barack Obama’s challenge will be to answer questions before his supporters can start clapping. So it’s going to be very tricky.

At a rally in Florida, Barack Obama was interrupted by a protest group calling themselves ‘Blacks Against Obama.’ Actually, a pretty small group. It’s just Condoleezza Rice and Jesse Jackson.

Congress has started the hearings on the attack on Benghazi, so finally Hillary will get to find out “what difference it makes”…especially to her running for President in 2016.

A British woman says she was able to grow her breasts three cup sizes through hypnosis.  At least she thinks they grew three sizes every time the hypnotist snapped his fingers.  When he snaps his fingers twice she thought all men grow horns and six foot penises.

Rob Kardashian is being sued by a female photographer who claims he assaulted her and took her camera.  It’s the first time on record that a Kardashian didn’t want their picture taken.

Hooters had a Mother’s Day give away of free chicken wings to mothers.  Taking your mother to Hooters on Mother’s Day is the perfect way for an adult woman to tell her mother that she is a lesbian.

More sons would take their mothers to Hooters on Mother’s Day but they are afraid their mothers will tell them, “Don’t play with those, you can take an eye out.”

Many adult children didn’t have to go visit their mothers on Mother’s Day because, due to the economy, many of them already lived with their mothers.

President Obama kicked off his “Middle Class Job and Opportunity Tour.”  It’s actually not so much a tour as a hope that he can find someone who will tell him how to create middle class jobs and opportunities.

The White House is taking a lot of heat over how slow they’ve been to respond to scandal of the IRS auditing of conservative groups.  They said they were going to ask Nancy Pelosi to respond for them but her lips were not mobile enough to talk that day.

A new poll found that 54% of Americans are tired of Justin Bieber.  Just another 10% and he’ll be qualified to run for President.

President Obama delivered a speech on how the Affordable Health Care Act will affect American families.  Appropriately, he was wearing a Darth Vader costume when he gave the speech.

darnfunnyonline.com

Top Ten Things Going Through This Baby’s Mind At This Moment

Friday, May 10, 2013

10. “What’s everyone staring at?”

9. “You can go faster, it’s not like I’m a week old”

8. “Grip it and rip it, dude”

7. “Ah, this is just the vacation I needed”

6. “Next week: solid food and slalom”

5. “I’m getting too old for this crap”

4. “Takes my mind completely off teething”

3. “Isn’t this what Cheney did to people?”

2. “If I were old enough to talk, I’d say, ‘Aggghhhh!’”

1. “I could really go for a cigarette”

Top Ten Reasons I Decided To Become A Teacher

Thursday, May 9, 2013

10. I hope to live up to the teachers who inspired me — like Ms. What’s-Her-Name

9. It’s no fun saying the pledge of allegiance every day by myself

8. Honestly, I didn’t pay much attention the first time through school

7. Kids need to know the moon landing was faked

6. If I could make a difference in just one student’s life — well, that wouldn’t be a very good average

5. The glamour

4. You work long hours, but at least the pay is bad

3. Hoping to teach in an all song-and-dance high school, like on “Glee”

2. In the summer, I can watch all you losers go to the office

1. I want to help kids talk good

Top Ten Least Memorable James Bond Films

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

10. “Lick And Let Dry”

9. “You’ve Only Bathed Twice”

8. “Oldfinger”

7. “Clams Casino Royale”

6. “Gold Bond: The Spy Who Loved Medicated Powder”

5. “Secret Service On Her Majesty”

4. “James Bond: Mall Cop”

3. “Leafraker”

2. “From Rush Limbaugh With Love”

1. “Cold Sores Are Forever”

Top Ten Thoughts People Have About Sandwiches

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

10. “Sure, I’ll have a sandwich”

9. “Is the second date too early for a French dip?”

8. “Honestly, screw wraps”

7. “Is America ready for its first gay sandwich?”

6. “Do I want a 12-inch or a foot-long?”

5. “Has the United States Treasury considered a sandwich-backed currency?”

4. “What does BLT stand for?”

3. “When will this country lift the ban on Cuban sandwiches?”

2. “When I say ‘hold the pickles’ I’d actually like to hold the pickles”

1. “Grinder? I just met her!”

Top Ten Least Impressive Auction Items

Monday, May 6, 2013

10. Rice thrown at a Kardashian wedding

9. Autographed photo of Brad Pitt’s accountant

8. Any Lance Armstrong memorabilia

7. Auctioneer’s half-finished lunch

6. Bible signed by a guy who looks like Jesus

5. Richard Nixon’s junk mail

4. The shoes Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin wore yesterday

3. Shellacked replica of Fred Astaire’s favorite sandwich

2. Water bottle which may or may not have been used by Marco Rubio

1. Dinner with Andy Dick

darnfunnyonline.com

Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is the guy who told his wife he was going for a hike and then went to Argentina to see his girlfriend. He was exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating weasel. In a stunning comeback, he has been elected to Congress, where he’ll fit right in. –Jay Leno

Today Sanford said his first order of business was improving relations with South America. –Jay Leno

New predictions claim that 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2030. They say the only way to stop it is for government to step in. Oh, yeah, that will work. When it comes to trimming the fat and tightening your belt, who knows better than the U.S. government? –Jay Leno

According to Forbes magazine, Al Gore is now worth more than $200 million. This is what Gore meant when he talked about going green. –Jay Leno

In South Carolina, former Governor Mark Sanford won a congressional seat after dragging around and debating a cardboard cutout of Nancy Pelosi. Then someone explained that WAS Nancy Pelosi. -Conan O’Brien

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he’s still adjusting after his surgery to reduce how much he can eat. He said, “I now have six free hours a day I don’t know what to do with.” -Conan O’Brien

According to a new poll, Americans trust Judge Judy more than they trust Supreme Court justices. She won her trust after her landmark decision in the case of Drunk Lady vs. Other Drunk Lady. -Conan O’Brien

Former NBA player Dennis Rodman has asked North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un to release American prisoner Kenneth Bay. Rodman said, “I’m calling for Kim to do me a solid” and release Kenneth Bay.” How do you think the Koreans will translate “do me a solid?” –Jimmy Kimmel

I’m sure Kenneth Bay would be thrilled to hear that Dennis Rodman is on his case. –Jimmy Kimmel

Wouldn’t it be something if it worked? How many can say they were saved from a North Korean prison camp by Dennis Rodman? Three, four. Eight, maybe. –Jimmy Kimmel

Why do I feel this somehow ends with Michael Jordan being forced to fly to Pyongyang to sign the “Space Jam” poster hanging over Kim Jong Un’s bed to prevent nuclear Armageddon?  –Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday, Delaware became the most recent state to legalize same-sex marriage. That marks the 11th state to make same-sex marriage legal and the first thing I know about Delaware. –Jimmy Fallon

This Sunday is Mother’s Day. That means you have four days to pick out the perfect gift before just buying flowers on the way to brunch. –Jimmy Fallon

Actually, a new survey found out the average American will spend $168 on Mother’s Day this year. For any woman who’s been through labor for a day and a half, remember, it pays exactly $168. –Jimmy Fallon

A movie version of “Dungeons and Dragons” is in the works. It’s expected to set all-time records for people saying, “Ticket for one, please.” –Jimmy Fallon

Chris Christie revealed he had lap-band surgery in February. President Obama wished him well. In fact, Obama is now thinking about having Joe Biden’s mouth stapled. –Jay Leno

CNN anchor Carol Costello was robbed of her iPhone in broad daylight while walking down the street in Atlanta. Unfortunately it was on CNN, so there weren’t any witnesses. –Jay Leno

Lindsay Lohan has checked into the Betty Ford Center. Celebrities who have been treated at Betty Ford swear by the place. In fact, they return again and again and again. –Jay Leno

The Rolling Stones played the Staples Center here. They are on their big Centrum Silver tour. Tickets went for as much $650. And that’s minus the Medicare deductible. –Jay Leno

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that he underwent a surgery that restricts the amount of food he can consume. As a result, 12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list. -Conan O’Brien

Chris Christie had weight reduction surgery. As a result, I’ll be going into surgery for monologue joke reduction. -Conan O’Brien

A Texas man has fired the first-ever gun created by a 3-D printer. Which raises the question: Don’t you think a gun created by a printer would jam? -Conan O’Brien

A cleric in Iran is warning that an earthquake is on the way, and it’s the fault of women who wear revealing clothes. So yet another setback for the Tehran Hooters. -Conan O’Brien

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had stomach surgery so he won’t be so big. His family gave him a choice. They said, “Look, you either have that surgery or get your own ZIP code.” -David Letterman

Governor Christie is now saying that his decision had nothing to do with 2016, which by the way is his cholesterol. –David Letterman

Cicadas are back, and there are going to be trillions of them. Cicadas mate once every 17 years. They’re like Martha Stewart. –David Letterman

The stock market is at an all-time high. People at home are saying, “Well, that would be great if I had a job.” –David Letterman

Over the weekend, Arnold’s son Patrick Schwarzenegger was kicked out of a nightclub in Hollywood. Apparently, Patrick threatened the DJ. It was a chaotic scene. Security rushed in and said, “Which one of you is Schwarzenegger’s kid?” And 50 people raised their hands. -Craig Ferguson

Over the weekend, the Rolling Stones played here at the Staples Center but they had to cut their ticket prices in half to fill the seats. I guess if people wanted go to the Staples Center to see old guys shuffling around way past their prime, they’d just go see the Lakers. –Craig Ferguson

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that back in February he had a secret lap-band surgery, which explains why there’s been so much food in New Jersey lately. –Jimmy Kimmel

If you examine the pictures, you can see that Christie actually might be getting fatter. He’s the worst ad for lap-band surgery ever. –Jimmy Kimmel

Lap-band surgery is said to be slower than other procedures. Typically, patients lose one to two pounds a week. Which means the governor could be down to a healthy weight in about 100 years. –Jimmy Kimmel

Over the weekend President Obama gave the commencement speech at Ohio State University. He said, “I dare you to do better” — to which the students yelled back, “No, we dare YOU to do better. We need jobs!” –Jay Leno

Mexico’s economy has been on the upswing the last couple of years. They’re getting investors from companies all over the world. In fact, Mexico is now home to 11 million undocumented Americans. –Jay Leno

For the first time ever, girls in Saudi Arabia will be allowed to take part in school sports. Of course, their moms won’t be allowed to drive them to practice. But hey, it’s progress. –Jay Leno

Taco Bell’s chief marketing executive says they are now working on a new low-end menu. What? You mean the stuff they’ve been serving is the high-end stuff? –Jay Leno

PETA is really upset at Chris Christie for killing a spider in front of a group of school children. Governor Christie said, “If PETA is upset by that, they do not want to know what I had for lunch today.” -Conan O’Brien

According to a new report, Al Gore now has more money than Mitt Romney. Gore said Mitt and I are living proof that if you’re a boring white guy, anything is possible. -Conan O’Brien

A Catholic bishop from Massachusetts was arrested for drunk driving. He told the cop, “I’m a bishop. I’m supposed to move diagonally.” -Conan O’Brien

“Iron Man 3″ made $175 million in the United States and $680 million worldwide. It’s the second biggest opening behind “The Avengers,” which proves something I have known for a long time. We are all nerds now. –Jimmy Kimmel

The only thing I didn’t understand when I saw “Iron Man 3″ was that Iron Man was in a lot of trouble and the world was in a lot of trouble but The Avengers were nowhere to be found. What happened? Did he lose their phone numbers? Did they unfriend him on Facebook? –Jimmy Kimmel

Where were The Avengers? Seems like if the president is being held hostage, maybe bring the guy with the hammer that shoots lightning bolts. –Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday President Obama spoke at Ohio State’s graduation, and told students that it’s their responsibility to make the world a better place. It got awkward when students were like, “Wait, isn’t that literally your responsibility?” –Jimmy Fallon

Some experts are saying that the 2016 Democratic presidential race could come down to Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden. Biden is calling her a worthy opponent, while Hillary is calling him “practice.” –Jimmy Fallon

The National Park Service is launching a new campaign to attract younger visitors. It has a very creative slogan: “National Parks: Nobody Knows You’re Drinking in Here.” –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Anyway, a spokesman for Barack Obama says the prisoners that are released from Guantanamo will either be sent back to their home countries or enter the New York City cab driver training program.

President-elect Barack Obama is starting to get an idea of just how hard his new job is going to be. Today, he said he wanted to bring a sense of accountability to Washington. I think they realized actual accountability, never going to happen.

Activists are now pressuring President-elect Obama to make good on his pledge to end the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy in the military to allow gays to openly serve in the military. You know, I think it’s about time. Don’t you? Let me tell you something, if someone is willing to risk their life for our country, they should be able to watch ‘Dancing with the Stars’ openly.

Well, President-elect Barack Obama and his family are gonna spend the holidays in his home state of Hawaii. And you know who couldn’t be more thrilled with this? The press, the reporters who follow the president. Well, think about it. After eight years of spending every holiday cutting brush in Crawford, Texas, they get to go to Hawaii!

And earlier today, President-elect Obama and Vice President-elect Biden met with Al Gore in Chicago to discuss energy and climate change issues. Obama, Gore and Biden. So, you have the greatest speaker of our lifetime, the most boring speaker of our lifetime and the guy who speaks non-stop for our entire lifetime. All together in one room.

Barack Obama says he is promising not to smoke cigarettes while in the White House. I don’t know. Is that a big issue for the American people? [a woman in the audience yells 'Yes!']. Really? You care if he smokes? Let me tell you something, okay? If he fixes the economy, he can smoke a bong in the White House.

President-elect Barack Obama was on ‘Meet the Press’ yesterday. And he told the American people the economy was going to get worse before it gets better. That’s what he said. It’s going to get worse. See, that’s when you know the campaign is really over. Remember before the election, ‘The audacity of hope!’ ‘Yes, we can!’ ‘Change we can believe in!’ Now it’s, ‘We’re all screwed, good night, thank you! It’s going to get worse!’

Hey, did you see that picture on the front page of USA Today yesterday of Arnold Schwarzenegger shaking hands with Barack Obama? Didn’t it look like one of those ads for one of those bad buddy action movies from the ’80s, you know? [as Schwarzenegger] He’s a strongman from Austria. He’s an African-American from Chicago. They fight crime; they’re ebony and ivory.

Well you know what’s really strange? If [Arizona Governor Janet Napolitano] gets this job, she would be the first official to take the job overseeing homeland security working for a guy, if he wasn’t president, whose name would probably be on the no-fly list. ‘Barack Hussein Obama? Yeah, step off to the side, please. Thank you.’

Is it me, or is Barack Obama on the cover of, like, every magazine now? I went to the newsstand. Joey, hand me that, will you? … Here’s Barack: cover of Time, Men’s Health, GQ, Tiger Beat, ‘Is he the fourth Jonas Brother?’

The press is calling President-elect Barack Obama the first wired president, ’cause he’s very big on e-mail and the internet and all that kind of stuff. But once he becomes president, he’ll have to give up all personal communication devices because of security concerns. Looks like America is ready for a black president, we’re just not ready for a Blackberry president.

Hey, Barack Obama had to give up his Blackberry. He’s the first wired president. … He might have to give his Blackberry because of security reasons. Because they’re easy to hack into. In fact, when Obama heard he might have to give it up, he said, ‘OMG! WTF?’ I mean, he couldn’t believe it.

Barack Obama’s mother-in-law might be moving into the White House with him. See, Joe Biden was right. ‘Hostile forces will test him in the first few months.’

Today in Chicago, for the first time since the election, John McCain sat down with President-elect Barack Obama. Pretty impressive. Obama agreed to sit down and talk to McCain without any preconditions.

According to Newsweek, sociologists believe that nine months after election day, there could be tens of thousands of what they call ‘Obama babies.’ Psychologists say this is not unusual, because a lot of people celebrate a big victory by having sex. That’s true. See, that’s why there’s never been any Detroit Lions babies.

According to CNN, Barack Obama’s popularity going into office is higher than Clinton’s, Reagan’s or either of the President Bush’s when they entered office. It’s much higher. Well, hang on, hang on. That’s on CNN. On Fox, he’s somewhere between Attila the Hun and lead poisoning.

President Bush briefed President-elect Obama on the state of the nation this week. You know, look, I don’t want to say things look bad, but Barack Obama’s new slogan? ‘Maybe We Can.’
President-elect Barack Obama is still looking for a new White House dog. The search is on. In fact, do you realize he has spent more time selecting a dog than John McCain did selecting a running mate?

It was on this in day in 1789 that Benjamin Franklin said those famous words, ‘In this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes. Death and taxes, which ironically, was the Secret Service code name for John McCain and Barack Obama.

darnfunnyonline.com

The employment report came out last week.  It seems the only shovel ready jobs that President Obama has created are the ones where somebody has to shovel the BS that he tells about jobs.

Sonic has new Peanut Butter Bacon Milkshake.  It has 1720 calories with 118 grams of fat and 128 grams of sugar.  Its marketing slogan will likely be “To die for,” and if you drink this you probably will.

Obama was quoted as saying, “We need Mexico.”  And he’s right.  Without the illegal alien vote he never would have won the last election.

Washington Wizards center Jason Collins has become the first American athlete in a major team-sport to come out as gay.  He has said there is no reason being gay should effect his playing the game of basketball, although it can, at times, interfere with his love of show tunes and his joy of shoe shopping.

The Kentucky Derby was last week.  In recent years the stakes on this race have become much higher for the horses.  Now, for the horses that don’t win, they are shipped to fast food joints.

In upstate New York, a 22-year-old, male Wal-Mart employee was arrested for allegedly engaging in prostitution in the store’s men’s room.  Of course, since he was working at Wal-Mart he was forced to really lower his prices.

Lindsay Lohan left the Morningside Recovery rehab facility, in Orange County, two minutes after walking through the doors.  She was disappointed because they didn’t have any happy hour.

President Obama said he still wants to close the Guantanamo Bay prison facility, but he doesn’t know how to do it.  His staff has assured him not to worry about it, though, since it was just a campaign promise.

Chicago’s homicide total in April was its lowest since 1962.  The theory is that young people grew up leaning to shoot with computer games and they don’t know how to shoot real guns.

For the first time since 2007, the U.S. Treasury is planning to pay down the national debt.  But don’t get excited, it’s only a plan, sort of like a campaign promise, they never really follows through.

darnfunnyonline.com

Top Ten Signs Your Ice Cream Truck Driver Is Nuts

Friday, May 3, 2013

10. He greets customers with “Who sent you?”

9. Offers three toppings: sprinkles, nuts, and fire ants

8. Only works winters

7. On truck loudspeaker you hear him sobbing

6. Your scoop of “vanilla” turns out to be Crisco

5. Truck never slows below 85 miles per hour

4. Price of everything is “How much you got?”

3. He has licked everything in the truck

2. Keeps ice cream scoop warm in his pants

1. He’s wearing nothing but a sugar cone

Top Ten Things You Don’t Want to Hear In A Movie Preview

Thursday, May 2, 2013

10. “In a world where waffles do not exist…”

9. “From the director who once met the nephew of the director who brought you ‘The Godfather’”

8. “Meryl Streep is New Jersey Governor Chris Christie”

7. “Come see the film ‘Entertainment Weekly’ calls ‘97 minutes in length’”

6. “Starring Tom Hanks, but not that Tom Hanks”

5. “The incredible, true story of a teenager’s monkey, seized by German authorities”

4. “Strap yourself in for two hours you’ll never get back”

3. “Coming soon, another asinine movie about vampires”

2. “Special Sneak Preview at midnight in my van”

1. “Anthony Weiner in 3-D”

Top Ten Other Stadium Inventions

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

10. Cup holder holders

9. On-field parking

8. Fully-obstructed-view seating

7. Chimpanzee ushers

6. Shoulder-launched hot dogs

5. Retractable field

4. Every seat gets a throw pillow

3. Even warmer, flatter beer

2. Vibrating condiment pumps

1. Valet-parking dogs

Top Ten Phrases You Don’t Want To See In An Online Dating Profile

Monday, April 29, 2013

10. “Never convicted”

9. “Probably a tapeworm”

8. “Rest in peace, Qaddafi”

7. “Mommy says I’m handsome”

6. “95% bedbug-free”

5. “Casino restroom attendant”

4. “Face tattoo”

3. “Limbaugh-esque”

2. “Per hour”

1. “Twice, with Andy Dick”

darnfunnyonline.com

Martha Stewart told Matt Lauer on the “Today” show that she is looking for a man on Match.com. You would think it’d be easy for someone like Martha Stewart, but it is not. It’s tough for her. A lot of guys don’t want to get involved with an ex-con. –Jay Leno

In baseball news, the Chicago Cubs said they will move if improvements are not made to Wrigley Field. And today Wrigley Field said it will move if improvements are not made to the Chicago Cubs. –Jay Leno

The U.S. government apparently spent millions of dollars in cash to fund various dubious government projects in Afghanistan — including solar panels and wind farms that never work. No, I’m sorry. That’s what we did here. I had it backwards. –Jay Leno

Researchers now believe the first settlers who settled in America, in Jamestown, resorted to cannibalism. The first settlers ate each other. Good thing that didn’t catch on. That would have changed Thanksgiving, don’t you think? –Jay Leno

More news keeps coming out about Jason Collins, the NBA player who revealed he’s gay. It turns out he’s a free agent looking for someone to sign him. He’s got some interest from Chicago. Not the Bulls, the Broadway musical. -Conan O’Brien

Domino’s Pizza customers can now order a pizza and watch it being made online. A spokesperson for Domino’s said this way their customers can see exactly what went wrong. -Conan O’Brien

The Chicago Cubs are considering leaving Wrigley Field if they don’t get a bigger scoreboard. Then someone reminded the Cubs for the amount of runs they get, they don’t need a scoreboard. -Conan O’Brien

A new study reveals that up to 41 percent of college graduates are working in jobs that don’t require a degree. By the way, I’m one of them. -Conan O’Brien

Martha Stewart has signed up with Match.com, the dating thing. And she’s been taking dating tips from the CEO of Match.com. And I thought, “Wait a minute. That’s insider dating.” –David Letterman

In New York City every year, we have the Tony Awards. We carry them right here on CBS. To make them more exciting, CBS has renamed them the “Jimmies.” –David Letterman

There’s another new category this year in the Tony Awards — best performance by a guy dragged against his will to a Broadway show. –David Letterman

It’s been two years since the SEAL team busted in and got Osama bin Laden. On the night of the raid, the guy never knew what hit him. It’s like being married to a Kardashian. –David Letterman

Martha Stewart is on the prowl. Martha Stewart is now on Match.com. She’s 71, and says she’s looking for a man between 55 and 70 and is not looking to have kids. What 70-year-old woman is looking to have kids? –Jimmy Kimmel

Martha says she’s a fan of the symphony, opera, and rap. I like that. She spent three months in prison and all of a sudden she’s Tupac listening to rap. –Jimmy Kimmel

What kind of rap does Martha Stewart like? Gift wrap. –Jimmy Kimmel

We ran all her information and we determined the best match for Martha. We looked to find someone who’s single, successful, likes kids, age appropriate, athletic, and knows what is it’s like to go through a scandal. I think we were able to find the right man. Arnold Schwarzenegger. –Jimmy Kimmel

Vice President Joe Biden’s plane is apparently stuck in Arizona because of problems with its engine. Officials say they’re trying to fix it as fast as they can. But Obama was like, “No rush.” –Jimmy Fallon

An elementary school here in New York City has become the first school in the country to serve only vegetarian food. Apparently the school board wants to give kids a head start in being difficult at restaurants. –Jimmy Fallon

That’s right. A school is serving only vegetarian foods, like tofu. Now when bullies say, “Give me your lunch money,” students are like, “Here, take it.” –Jimmy Fallon

The FDA has just ruled that girls as young as 15 can now obtain the contraceptive Plan B without a prescription. Before that, most teenagers’ Plan B was getting a show on MTV.  –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama held a press conference today. He said he still wants to close the Guantanamo Bay prison facility, but he doesn’t know how to do it. He should do what he always does. Declare it a small business and tax it out of existence. -Jay Leno

Yesterday Tim Tebow was cut by the New York Jets, although today he did sign with somebody: ChristianMingle.com. So good for him. . -Jay Leno

There’s now talk here in California of letting noncitizens serve on juries. The bad news: If you’re ever on trial for underpaying your nanny, you could get the death penalty. . -Jay Leno

Happy birthday to Willie Nelson. He’s 80 years old. God bless him. Willie has finally reached the age he’s looked for the last 30 years. . -Jay Leno

Yesterday President Obama said that the prison at Guantanamo Bay needs to be closed. To make sure it closes quickly, they’re turning it into a Blockbuster Video. -Conan O’Brien

NBA player Jason Collins’ former fiancee said she had no clue he was gay. Then she showed off an engagement ring given to her by her former fiance, Richard Simmons. -Conan O’Brien

Jason Collins’ former fiancee did say she had no clue he was gay. She went on to say he didn’t cheat on her, so she also had no clue he was in the NBA. -Conan O’Brien

Yeah, she said she had no clue he was gay. When she heard this, Manti Te’o’s fiancee said, “Well, at least you exist.” -Conan O’Brien

New reports say New York Governor Andrew Cuomo will not run for president in 2016 if Hillary Clinton does. In a statement, Hillary said that she appreciates the decision and the support. Then she added, “Because I would crush him.” –Jimmy Fallon

New York City is testing a new plan that would make the average school day longer by over two hours. Parents haven’t commented on the plan yet because they’re busy high fiving everyone they know. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that the air quality in New York City subways is actually the same quality as the air in New York streets. Even crazier, that’s supposed to be good news. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that certain fish use sign language to communicate. Apparently they have a sign for everything — except for “big metal hook.” –Jimmy Fallon

Washington Wizards center Jason Collins has become the first American athlete in a major team sport to come out as gay. Do you know what a breakthrough this is? Finally an NBA player who won’t have any illegitimate kids. –Jay Leno

Collins said it was not a tough decision to tell people that he’s gay. He said it’s easier than telling people he plays for the Washington Wizards. That’s the hard part. –Jay Leno

I had a birthday over the weekend. I turned 63. That is an awkward age. It’s too old for NBC, but it’s still too young to play for the Lakers. –Jay Leno

Supreme Court Justice Steven Breyer had shoulder surgery for an injury after he fell off his bike. It happened when the justice drifted a little too far to the left. -Conan O’Brien

In a new interview, Mike Tyson revealed his ex-girlfriend cooked and ate his pet pigeon right in front of him. Tyson said she also had a dark side. -Conan O’Brien

Jason Collins is the first athlete in a major U.S. sport to announce he’s gay. He’s a free-agent now, but his last team was the Washington Wizards. He’s not the first openly gay wizard. That trail was blazed by Dumbledore. –Craig Ferguson

So far the reaction from fans and teammates has been nothing but positive. Why shouldn’t it be? Jason Collins has nothing to be ashamed of. It’s not like he plays for the Lakers. –Craig Ferguson

The positive reaction to Jason’s announcement is a great sign. It shows us that NBA fans are ready to embrace diversity. And they really want to concentrate on what unites them — hating the Miami Heat. –Craig Ferguson

darnfunnyonline.com