President Obama released his financial disclosure statement today. It turns out he is now worth over $10 million. So at least somebody is doing well in this economy. –Jay Leno

The Justice Department has launched a probe into JPMorgan’s $2.3 billion loss. I believe it’s called “Operation wink, nod, and look the other way.” –Jay Leno

President Obama is calling for more government reform after JPMorgan’s $2 billion loss. Really, is that what we need — the government stepping in? You know what’s going to happen? The government’s going to teach them how to lose $2 billion a DAY! –Jay Leno

According to a new book, Mick Jagger used prostitutes. But he always felt like he was being overcharged. He said he didn’t like to pay them. That doesn’t sound like a rock star, does it? It sounds more like a Secret Service agent. –Jay Leno

A Republican official says that Mitt Romney should pick “an incredibly boring white guy as running mate.” When he heard that, Joe Biden said, “Thanks, I’ve already got a gig.” –Conan O’Brien

Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg turned 28 this week. He got a watch from his girlfriend, a sweater from his parents, and from the rest of us, all of our credit card numbers. –Conan O’Brien

The Dalai Lama is saying that China trained a woman to assassinate him by putting poison in her hair. Luckily, the Dalai Lama had recently just stopped eating hair. –Conan O’Brien

A janitor has graduated from Columbia University with honors as a classics major. With his new degree in classics, he’s now qualified to become a janitor. –Conan O’Brien

A new poll found that Mitt Romney is actually ahead of President Obama among female voters. That explains Obama’s new slogan, “I’m Barack Obama, and I loved ‘50 Shades of Grey.’” –Jimmy Fallon

A new app tells your Facebook friends if you’re not following your diet. Of course your friends could always figure it out that other way: looking at your photos on Facebook. –Jimmy Fallon

There’s a new online reality show premiering this summer called “The Mormon Bachelor.” At the start of the show, the bachelor dates 25 contestants, and by the end he’s MARRIED 25 contestants. –Jimmy Fallon

Swedish researchers have discovered a new species of fish. Not to be outdone, Gummi researchers have discovered a new species of bear. –Jimmy Fallon

The average college graduate now leaves school $27,000 in debt. But the good news is that now it means they are more than qualified to work as financial advisers at JPMorgan.  –Jay Leno

The New Jersey tanning mom now says she wants to pose nude for Playboy magazine. Well, Playboy says they’re looking for women who are hot, not burnt orange.  –Jay Leno

The Octomom has finished her porn movie. The producers saved a lot of time on the credits because nobody wanted any.  –Jay Leno

Yesterday NBC unveiled their new fall schedule. The biggest surprise? NBC is going to be back in the fall. –Jay Leno

President Obama went on “The View.” He went on the “The View” because they’re the only group of women the president trusts his Secret Service agents to be around. –Conan O’Brien

As of Friday you’ll all be able to buy shares of Facebook. This is perfect for anyone who’s ever logged on, looked at pictures of their friend eating a sandwich, and thought, “Now there’s a sound investment.” –Conan O’Brien

Television is cruel. You know how the cast of “CSI: Miami” found out they were being canceled? They were doing an autopsy on a guy and they found the pink slip in his stomach. –David Letterman

Same-sex marriage would have men married to men and women married to women. Well, who complains about the credit card bill and who says, “Well, you want me to look nice, don’t you?” And who writes the thank-you notes and who just signs their name? –David Letterman

President Obama raised $1 million at a fundraiser hosted by Ricky Martin. Obama thanked Martin for his contribution to the campaign, while Joe Biden thanked him for his contribution to Menudo. –Jimmy Fallon

Officials in London plan to use high-pitched and painful sounds to disperse large crowds at the Olympics this summer. Or as the cast of “The View” put it, “Looks like we’re going to the Olympics!” –Jimmy Fallon

A man was arrested at the JFK airport with cocaine hidden inside bottles of nail polish and sticks of deodorant. The man might have gotten away with it if he hadn’t hidden the drugs inside two other things you can’t bring through airport security. –Jimmy Fallon

Police in California just burned 34,000 marijuana plants that were growing in a state park. The police were very angry about finding all that weed until the wind changed direction. –Jimmy Fallon

Mitt Romney has jumped to a seven-point lead over President Obama in a national poll. I think Romney’s starting to get cocky. Today he threatened to pin down Joe Biden and pull out all of his hair plugs. –Jay Leno

President Obama was in Nevada this weekend. Finally some good news for the Secret Service — a place in America where prostitution is legal. –Jay Leno

JPMorgan announced they lost $2 billion last quarter. That’s 133 Obama-Clooney fundraisers. –Jay Leno

You know who the real J.P. Morgan is, right? He’s Captain Morgan’s drunk brother who’s bad with money. –Jay Leno

Over the weekend Betty White endorsed Barack Obama. I think I’m going to wait and hear what Angela Lansbury has to say. –David Letterman

JPMorgan lost $2 billion in bad trades. They made bad investments — for example, those gay wedding chapels in North Carolina. What were they thinking? –David Letterman

Mitt Romney once lost $2 billion. Then he found it in another pair of pants. –David Letterman

Now they are starting to dig up stuff on Mitt Romney. One time he was arrested for disorderly conduct and being a public nuisance. It was when he was a kid. He had one of his hairs out of place. –David Letterman

During his commencement speech at Liberty University, Mitt Romney revealed that his campaign staff loves Chick-fil-A. The other thing he revealed? — that he doesn’t know what to say in a commencement speech. . –Jimmy Fallon

We have Chef Gordon Ramsay on the show tonight. I thought he burned something when I saw smoke backstage — but then I remembered we also have Willie Nelson on the show tonight. . –Jimmy Fallon

This week investors will be able to buy shares of Facebook stock for the first time ever. It’s great — now you can lose all your money in the same place you lost all your time. . –Jimmy Fallon

On Saturday President Obama and Joe Biden spent more than four hours playing golf together. Joe Biden’s handicap is 20, while Obama’s handicap . . . is Joe Biden. . –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Sometime over a year ago I wrote an article entitled “Blame it on Testosterone.”  In it I basically justified men’s actions (i.e. stupid stuff we do) on the hormone, testosterone.  While there is some truth to that, I now believe a more accurate statement would be to blame it on estrogen.  Not only do estrogen driven women often drive us crazy in many ways (including horniness…so again, not really our fault) but also many men are becoming estrogen laden themselves by environmental causes.  This can make us fat, lose our sex drive and make us want to stop working, out of the blue, to decorate our office.

Environmental estrogen not only can make us fat it also can cause man boobs, or moobs.  Worse than that, because we have now lost a lot of our sex drive and become lazy, the men who have this dilemma sometimes think that it’s not that bad of a thing.  Now, being lazy and only having a portion of their sex drive left, they find it convenient to have their own boobs, if you get my meaning.

This environmental estrogen comes from numerous sources like hormones fed to animals, particularly in fast food, plastics and many other causes from our modern day world.  This excessive estrogen affects women too.  It’s bad for their health and can make them very cranky, which means it’s also bad for a man’s sanity.  Microwaving plastic especially brings it out so if a woman has leftover fast food and heats it up in a plastic container in the microwave it could make the woman have hot flashes and start yelling at her husband for no reason, while the man, after eating this meal, will want to ignore her and just cuddle up on the couch and watch an episode of Glee.

Too much estrogen in a woman can be a bad thing whether it is natural or from environmental causes.  Here is a quote from the Bible to back up my case:

1 Peter 3:3-4
“Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty that depends on fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should be known for the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.”

This was before God had invented estrogen.  Then he got busy with a little lab experiment.  Frankenstein had not yet been created so he had nothing to compare this estrogen invention to and as a result we now have fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry and beautiful clothes, etc., etc.  Not to mention that when estrogen really flares up in a woman the results can be disastrous for a man.  Does the term “whipped” mean anything to you?

Back to this environmentally created estrogen, the effects on men can be devastating.  These effects can be wide and varying, from decreased size of the gonads and other man organs to an overwhelming desire for show tunes and shopping for shoes.  Just to let you know my testosterone to estrogen level is in good shape I’ll pass on a “manly” joke that I heard on the radio the other day:

Q: What do you say to a naked woman?

A:  Why do you have to say anything?  She’s already naked.  (Ba-dum-bum)

In the interest of full disclosure I have to admit that I am actually a big fan of the TV series Glee.  With that said, I will be going to the doctor tomorrow to have my hormones checked.

darnfunnyonline.com

The salesman is using sex to sell me a CD player, giving me pressure about my love life. ‘Mr. Mercurio, it’s a five CD player carousel model. You load all five of your CDs into this baby — you’re with your woman, you’re gonna make love — you press “Play,” you can go all night.’ And I’m like, ‘You know, Mr. Salesman, I’m not really a five CD man. You got something that plays 45s? Give me two minutes — I’ll give you the world.’

I was a lawyer, a comic, a furniture salesman, then a comic. Here’s a tip for you kids out there: try not to get high on career day.

They have security in these stores. There’s a man standing at the door. Do you understand what that means? Somebody made a life decision out there that they’re willing to risk going to jail to steal something from a bargain basement clothing store. ‘Hey pal, what are you in for?’ ‘These sequined culottes.’

I reached into this pocket and found a $10 bill. You know that feeling, that moment in time? You get so excited about $10 bucks. That’s when you know you’re poor.

I’m shopping at these bargain basement clothing stores. Can you do me a favor and sign a petition? I want to change the name of all these places to Crap That Was Ugly at Full Price and Is Still Ugly at Half Price.

I think they should have mirrors in the wild, because if some of these wild animals saw themselves, they wouldn’t be so cocky. Think about it — how you look affects how you feel. Why wouldn’t that be true for the wild animal kingdom? Like the panda bear — that’s a wild animal — in his head, he’s a bad-ass bear, but if he saw himself in a full-length mirror, he wouldn’t be so cocky. He’d be like, ‘I’m adorable.’

Have you ever been so tired, you look at a homeless guy asleep on the street and go, ‘Boy, I wish I could sleep like that. I don’t need a box spring. I need a box’?

The first thing that strikes you when you go home and you’ve been away for a while is you’ve become a different person from your family: not better, not worse, just different. I grew up in a very Italian family, and I felt out of place. I didn’t feel like I fit in anymore. I felt like a square peg in a mental institution.

North Korea has the bomb. Don’t worry about it, folks — they’re Korea. Can we be honest with each other? Have you ever owned anything made in Korea that’s worked?

Who cares if North Korea has the bomb? Everybody’s got the bomb now: India, Pakistan — I have the bomb. I got it last week at L.L. Bean, in sandstone. I got the bomb, and I got a free backpack with the bomb. And the backpack comes with a free water bottle, so I can hydrate myself as I’m being melted by the nuclear fire ball.

darnfunnyonline.com

The Chicago History Museum is now displaying Hugh Hefner’s “little black book.”  In the early part of the book there are only addresses and no phone numbers because it was before phones were invented.

Vidal Sassoon died last week at 84 years of age.  His hair will live on indefinitely.

President Obama came out in favor of gay marriage last week.  Joe Biden had done the same thing just a few days prior.  The rumor is they will be married shortly after the election in November.

The big winners after Obama endorsed gay marriage – Bert and Ernie!

The Republicans won’t agree to endorse gay marriage but they have offered a compromise.  They are willing to concede that Glee is sometimes a pretty darn good TV show.

The CIA unveiled a plan Al-Qaida had regarding a sophisticated underwear bomb.  The plan was discovered when one of the suicide terrorists bragged to a female TSA agent that, “she would get a bang out of what’s in his underwear.”

A new study says that by 2030 42% of Americans will be obese.  So, apparently, America will be getting thinner over the next 18 years.

Sylvester Stallone announced plans to shoot another Rambo movie.  Its title is “I’ll Keep Making Rambo Movies as Long as You’ll Pay to See Them.”

Obama had a $40,000 a plate fundraising dinner in Hollywood.  Nothing says “the common man’s president” like a $40,000 a plate dinner.

Obama’s new campaign slogan is “It’s not the economy, stupid!  It’s who killed bin Laden.”

For Mother’s Day, Hooters gave free chicken wings to mothers.  But mostly sons took their mothers to Hooters because they were interested in the water wings on the waitresses.

A pair of underpants that once belonged to Queen Victoria are up for auction on eBay.  They became available when the Queen switched to thongs.

darnfunnyonline.com

Friday, May 11, 2012
Top Ten Things Your Mother Doesn’t Want to Hear on Mother’s Day

10.”Good news! We’re putting you in a home!”

9.”Eat up — this brunch also counts for Thanksgiving and Christmas”

8.”‘Love’ is too strong a word, but I don’t dislike you”

7.”You’re starting to look like Eli Wallach”

6.”Get out now, the cops know about the meth lab”

5.”My psychiatrist said I should call”

4.”For old time’s sake, would you pre-chew my food?”

3.”So you’re still alive, huh?”

2.”I booked us for brunch at the Hot Dog Hooker’s”

1.”Sorry ma’am, you’re banned from this tanning salon” (cut to shot of the Tanning Mom)

Thursday, May 10, 2012
Top Ten Other Mitt Romney Offenses

10.First degree handsomeness

9.Possession of more than 4 ounces of conditioner

8.Was late paying sales tax for his dancing horse

7.Presses every button before getting off his beach house car elevator

6.Once wore corduroy with seersucker

5.Vaccinations due for dog tied to roof of his car

4.Reckless blowdrying

3.Grand theft loafer

2.Butchering America the Beautiful

1.Involuntary dullness

Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Top Ten Signs You’ll Never Throw A No-Hitter

10.You wear a glove on both hands

9.The altitude of the mound makes you dizzy

8.You performed your own Tommy John Surgery

7.Your pitches tend to bounce

6.You spend most of the game sipping cocktails in the players’ wives section

5.You can only pitch when no one’s watching

4.Last guy you struck out was Phil Rizzuto

3.You’re allergic to the rosin

2.You’re still not sure if you’re a righty or a lefty

1.Most teams don’t let the mascot pitch

Monday, May 7, 2012
Top Ten Superheroes Left Out Of “The Avengers”

10.Captain Paramus

9.Orthodonto

8.The Crossword Puzzler

7.Iron Manilow

6.The Fight Doctor, Ferdie Pacheco

5.The Human Couch

4.Genehackman

3.The Somewhat Credible Hulk

2.The Clap

1.She-Tan

darnfunnyonline.com

President Obama officially announced he is in favor of gay marriage. Of course, this is a monumental event. This is the first time Joe Biden said something Obama didn’t have to apologize for. –Jay Leno

The women know what this means. Now all the good ones will be married AND gay. –Jay Leno

You know who is really against the president’s position on gay marriage? Gay men afraid of commitment. Now they have no excuse. –Jay Leno

My position is simple. I support any wedding I don’t have to go to. –Jay Leno

“The Avengers” continues to break box-office records. The Pentagon refused to provide military hardware because they found the movie too unrealistic. They said they can’t lend any tanks until they explain why the Hulk’s pants don’t fall off. –Conan O’Brien

According to the health department, New York City strip-club kitchens have the fewest health-code violations of all restaurants in the city. The same cannot be said for the girls, but the kitchen has the fewest health-code violations. –David Letterman

Membership and recruiting of al-Qaida is drying up. Far be it for me to tell terrorists about strategy but I think membership started to subside when they went to the suicide bomber exploding underpants. –David Letterman

Let’s just say you put on the exploding underpants and you detonate. When they bring in the 72 virgins, then what? –David Letterman

Set your exploding underpants on low and you can use them to reheat delicious pizza bagels. –David Letterman

Today President Obama said he supports gay marriage, which is great news for the gay community. It wasn’t all positive though. He also said the show “Glee” has jumped the shark. –Craig Ferguson

Mitt Romney responded today by restating his own views on marriage. He said marriage should only take place between two consenting rich people. . –Craig Ferguson

Romney said he had no problem with gay people because one of his best friends owns San Francisco. . –Craig Ferguson

Soon we may live in a world where the only people opposed to gay marriage will be gay people who are married. . –Craig Ferguson

President Obama came out with approval of same-sex marriage. He said that over the years, he has been going through an evolution on the issue. That makes opponents on the far right doubly angry. They don’t believe in gay marriage OR evolution. –Jimmy Kimmel

Today Barack Obama became the first U.S. president to endorse same-sex marriage. Obama said he thinks same-sex marriage should be legal. Then he said, “Okay, now where’s my show on Bravo?” -Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said he’s not sure if he’s going to run for re-election next year. He’s said, “I’ll collapse that bridge when I get to it.” -Jimmy Fallon

Nestle is releasing new Crunch bars in Girl Scout cookie flavors like Thin Mint and Peanut Butter. And to make it even more authentic, Nestle’s CEO is having his parents pressure their coworkers into buying them. -Jimmy Fallon

Vice President Joe Biden has come out in support of same-sex marriage. President Obama never endorsed gay marriage. But now he’s in favor of gay Secret Service agents. –Jay Leno

Facebook has revealed their estimated net worth — $96 billion. That’s almost as much money as businesses lose every year from their employees wasting time looking at Facebook. –Jay Leno

New predictions out today claim 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2030. They say the only way to stop that is for the government to step in. Oh yeah, when it comes to trimming the fat and tightening your belt, what better way than the U.S. government? –Jay Leno

Apparently Rick Santorum endorsed Mitt Romney last night very late via email. That just makes Santorum one of the 10 million guys ashamed of what he did late last night on his computer. –Conan O’Brien

President Obama’s re-election campaign is focusing very hard on Latino voters. That explains President Obama’s new campaign slogan: If you squint, I kind of look Puerto Rican. –Conan O’Brien

I hate to dampen everybody’s spirit but they busted up another one of these exploding underpants plots. All I can say is thanks a lot, underpants bombers, because now at airport security we have to put our underpants in a tray. –David Letterman

I always appreciated my teachers. When I was 16, I gave them the greatest gift I could think of. I dropped out of school. –Craig Ferguson

They say give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. But teach a man to fish and he’ll get his own show on the Discovery Channel. –Craig Ferguson

Last night Rick Santorum finally endorsed his former rival for president. This is the fun part where people who say bad things about each other suddenly pretend they’re on the same team. It’s like a “Jersey Shore” special. –Jimmy Kimmel

Santorum woke up this morning and said, “I endorsed who?” –Jimmy Kimmel

In the email, Santorum acknowledged his differences with Romney, but said they have common-ground thoughts about the economy and foreign policy. And they both like pleated Dockers. –Jimmy Kimmel

In the last year, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s approval rating has gone up 12 points. That’s impressive. Usually, the only time he picks up a dozen is when he goes to Krispy Kreme. -Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that most people can’t go 10 minutes without lying. But since the study took 20 minutes nobody knows what to believe. -Jimmy Fallon

Most people can’t go 10 minutes without lying. We have a name for those 10 minutes — “job interviews.” -Jimmy Fallon

France has a new president. He is Socialist François Hollande. He defeated Conservative French President Sarkozy in a presidential run-off yesterday. Of course, Nicolas Sarkozy handed over power in the traditional French manner. He surrendered. –Jay Leno

President Obama has his new re-election campaign slogan. It’s just one word: Forward. Have you been watching this election? Can we press fast forward? Can we just get this thing over with? –Jay Leno

Some good news for that New Jersey tanning mom. Over the weekend at Newark’s airport she bought a ticket from New York to L.A. for only $50. Apparently they mistook her for a piece of luggage. –Jay Leno

In a new interview, Vice President Joe Biden said the sitcom “Will & Grace” made America more comfortable with gay people. Biden also said the sitcom character Urkel made America more comfortable with President Obama. –Conan O’Brien

President Obama says his campaign for a second term is still about hope and change. The president’s exact words were, “I hope I won’t have to change my address.” –Conan O’Brien

France has a new president who lives with a woman that he is not married to. Their relationship is described as French. –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday France elected a new president. When the French secret service hires prostitutes, it is not a scandal. It is called test driving mistresses for your boss. –Craig Ferguson

I wish our election was more like the election in France. By that, I mean I wish it was over. –Craig Ferguson

“The Avengers” made an unbelievable amount of money this weekend — $207 million, the biggest opening for a movie ever. If you add in the money made overseas last week, that makes $655 million in 12 days. Finally we have proof of what I’ve always suspected. We are surrounded by nerds. –Jimmy Kimmel

Producers are hard at work on the sequel, which is tentatively titled “The Avengers 2: Still Avenging Stuff.” –Jimmy Kimmel

More details about the Secret Service scandal. The “Today” show sat down with the woman who claims to be the Colombian prostitute who got into the argument over how much she was supposed to be paid. NBC made a point of saying they did not pay her for the interview. This woman never gets paid! –Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday on CBS, Newt Gingrich said it would be “inconceivable” for Mitt Romney to choose him as a running mate. And today, Romney issued a statement saying, “Yep.” -Jimmy Fallon

After just one term in office, French President Nicolas Sarkozy lost his re-election bid because he was unable to fix his nation’s economy. Or as Obama put it, “Uh-oh.” -Jimmy Fallon

In an interview this weekend, “Jeopardy” host Alex Trebek hinted that he might retire in two years. Or as he put it, “Born in 1940, this game show host wants to sit around in his bathrobe eating ice cream.” -Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

This article was originally going to be about sports but then when I started harkening it put me in a harkening mood so I think I will stick to the harkening.  You are probably wondering if I’m able to follow a train of thought…what was I saying?

Anyway, back to this harkening business.  I remember when commercials on television were actually entertaining and you remembered the jingles like, “Hot dogs, Armour hot dogs, what kind of kids eat Amour hot dogs, fat kids, skinny kids, kids who climb on rocks,” etc. etc.  (If you find yourself singing that song now and not being able to get it out of your head I take full responsibility, not that that will get the song out of your head, but I’ll no longer feel bad about it.) (Another aside, if that commercial was made today the lyrics would have to end after “fat kids.”)  Nowadays the commercials on TV are selling prescription drugs and more than half of the commercial is devoted to giving side effects of the drugs such as death or depression for anti-depression drugs.  But you have to admit if you are dead you’re no longer depressed.

Here is another harkening, weren’t they the good old days when you could go out of your house without a cell phone and not have to worry about walking into a pole while you are looking into your phone and texting?  Although, it can be entertaining to watch others do that.

It’s hard to imagine what we did before we had the Internet.  Oh wait, I remember now.  We watched TV with the bad reception as in paragraph one.  So forget that harken.

Back in the day, one of the great inventions was the Etch-A-Sketch.  How cool was that compared to the bland stuff they come up today like iPads, iPods, iPhones, blah, blah.  Okay, maybe those things are better but at least back then they knew to capitalize the first letter of a proper iNoun.

Twenty or thirty years ago there was no TSA and if you were going to be groped by a relative stranger back then it had to happen the old fashion way, like through sexual harassment on the job.

Change is not always bad.  Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad.  Very often we like to make less of progress to feel better about the past.  Anyway, I’m done harkening.  I’m getting thirsty so I‘m going to go outside and drink some water out of the hose like when I was a kid.

darnfunnyonline.com

“Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.” —Mark Twain

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” —President Abraham Lincoln

“I want you to know that also I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent’s youth and inexperience.” —President Ronald Reagan, during a 1984 presidential debate with Walter Mondale

”You know nothing for sure…except the fact that you know nothing for sure.”

—President John Kennedy

”Don’t be so humble — you are not that great.”

—Israeli Prime Minister Golda Meir, to a visiting diplomat

”You know, if I were a single man, I might ask that mummy out. That’s a good-looking mummy.”

—Bill Clinton, looking at ‘Juanita,’ a newly discovered Incan mummy on display at the National Geographic museum (When asked about the remark, White House Press Secretary Mike McCurry privately quipped to reporters, ”Probably she does look good compared to the mummy he’s been f**king.”)

”What makes him think a middle-aged actor, who’s played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?”

—Ronald Reagan, on Clint Eastwood’s bid to become mayor of Carmel

”Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.”

—Mark Twain

”Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.”

—Groucho Marx

”He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas better than any man I ever met.”

—Abraham Lincoln, referring to a lawyer

”Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his.”

—Ronald Reagan

”If ignorance goes to forty dollars a barrel, I want drilling rights to George Bush’s head.”

—Jim Hightower, former Texas Commissioner of Agriculture, referring to the elder Bush

”Politics, noun. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.”

—Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary

”If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”

—Abraham Lincoln

”There they are. See no evil, hear no evil, and…evil.”

—Bob Dole, watching former presidents Carter, Ford and Nixon standing by each other at a White House event

”Thomas Jefferson once said, ‘We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.’ And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying.”

—Ronald Reagan

‘I don’t know whether it’s the finest public housing in America or the crown jewel of the American penal system.”

—Bill Clinton, on the White House

”The Democrats are the party of government activism, the party that says government can make you richer, smarter, taller, and get the chickweed out of your lawn. Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work, and then get elected and prove it.”

—P.J. O’Rourke, ‘Parliament of Whores’

”I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency — even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.”

—Ronald Reagan

”As Americans, we must ask ourselves: Are we really so different? Must we stereotype those who disagree with us? Do we truly believe that ALL red-state residents are ignorant racist fascist knuckle-dragging NASCAR-obsessed cousin-marrying roadkill-eating tobacco juice-dribbling gun-fondling religious fanatic rednecks; or that ALL blue-state residents are godless unpatriotic pierced-nose Volvo-driving France-loving left-wing communist latte-sucking tofu-chomping holistic-wacko neurotic vegan weenie perverts?”

—Dave Barry

”Being president is like running a cemetery: you’ve got a lot of people under you and nobody’s listening.”

—Bill Clinton

Lady Astor to Winston Churchill: ”Winston, if you were my husband I would flavor your coffee with poison.”

Churchill: ”Madam, if I were your husband, I should drink it.”

”I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.”

—Ronald Reagan

darnfunnyonline.com

Things about the secret service scandal are coming to light.  For example, the Secret Service agents thought these prostitutes were being a threat to the President, so to avert the threat they threw their bodies on top of the prostitutes, making the ultimate sacrifice.  At least that’s the story they are telling their wives and girlfriends.

Pizza Hut has introduced something called Crown Crust Pizza in the Middle East.  It’s a pizza with twelve mini cheeseburgers around the outside crust.  Terrorists on suicide missions are actually driving truckloads of these pizzas into areas to kill innocent bystanders with existing heart conditions.

Obama is using the one good thing about his presidency as a campaign issue, the killing of bin Laden.  Unfortunately, he fails to mention how he also helped to kill the economy.

German authorities report they have discovered digital files hidden in a porn movie that outlined Al-Qaida’s plans for more terrorists attack.  Now we know what German authorities are watching while on the job.  I’m surprised the Secret Service didn’t find it.

President Obama has a new campaign slogan, “Forward.”  He’s hoping we don’t look back at what he didn’t do.  He’s essentially saying, “we should look forward at what we do do,” which kind of makes him the doo-doo president.

Obama admitted that he made up a girlfriend in his autobiography.  That’s not hard to believe because now he’s making up improved unemployment statistics too.

Octomom, who filed for bankruptcy, has agreed to star in a porn film.  If she’s not careful she won’t qualify for the Octomon of the Year Award.

Over 100,000 people have listed themselves as organ donors since Facebook made it an option last week.  They had to make a special memo to Anthony Weiner as to what organs qualified to be donated.

I saw an article about people “oversharing” on Facebook.  But when people talk about their Farmville animals sex acts I think it has gone too far.

President Obama officially launched his re-election campaign.  So in order to be able to do more fundraisers, since that has already been his main presidential duty, he’s going to need to cut back on his presidential golf responsibilities.

darnfunnyonline.com

Friday, May 4, 2012
Top Ten People Who Would Look Good In a Sombrero

10.Queen Elizabeth

9.Kim Jong-Un

8.Abe Lincoln

7.Keith Olbermann

6.Neil Armstrong

5.U.S. Supreme Court

4.Tanning Booth Mom

3.Nick Nolte

2.Donald Trump

1.Katy Perry

Thursday, May 3, 2012
Top Ten Surprising Facts About United States Presidents’ Love Lives

10.The Phrase, “I like Ike” was first uttered on the Eisenhowers’ honeymoon

9.Andrew Jackson’s first girlfriend: Barbara Walters

8.Richard Nixon? Tricky Dick

7.Herbert Hoover invented the intimate act known as “Hoovering”

6.After spending the night with James Buchanan, girlfriends received a White House gift bag

5.The Reagans’ pillow talk was peppered with the word “gipper”

4.Hary Truman? Slut

3.Lincoln was the only President to send a photo of his deal via Pony Express

2.George W. Bush polled himself daily

1.After sex with George Washington, Martha often complained of splinters

Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Top Ten Surprising Facts About Advertising Characters

10.The ‘E’ in Chuck E. Cheese stands for E. Coli

9.Mr. Clean’s baldness due to active ingredient alcohol ethoxylate

8.Though he doesn’t really care for Ronald McDonald, Burger King affords him professional respect

7.Chef Boyardee won’t let his kids eat canned pasta

6.Even Flo the Progressive Insurance Lady is tired of seeing her commercials

5.While the Kool Aid Man identifies as male, he has no gender-specific organs

4.Tony the Tiger is often reprimanded for shouting “They’re great!” at women wearing tight sweaters

3.In 1997, Joe Camel underwent a silicone hump implant

2.Off camera, Snuggle the Fabric Softener Bear is a real prick

1.The “Where’s the beef” lady’s last words were “Where’s the nurse?”

Monday, April 30, 2012
Top Ten Ways Mitt Romney Begins Conversations With Teens

10.”How’s puberty going?”

9.”Where do you summer?”

8.”Do you fellows play sportball?”

7.”Nice shirt — You know, my friend owns the Gap”

6.”You teens are just the right height”

5.”Check out my sick Windsor knot”

4.”Would you like to see my dancing horse?”

3.”Raise the roof if your municipal bonds have reached maturity”

2.Just like this: (video of Mitt saying “Who let the dogs out?”)

1.”Didn’t I fire your father?”

darnfunnyonline.com