Fatness: It’s Not Our Fault
Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 17-12-2009
Tags: fat jokes, humorous articles, humorous essays, Las Vegas jokes, really funny articles, really funny essays
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I just saw a headline that said Nevada is the fattest western state in the United States. That doesn’t mean, for example, that the streets are wider in Nevada, it means that the asses of the people walking down those streets are wider than the asses of the people in other western states.
Being a resident of the fattest state I guess I should be honored since we are number one at something. But I just haven’t felt the impact. It just means it is a lot easier to find a McDonalds here than it is to find a store that sells skinny pants.
It kind of gives new meaning to the Las Vegas catch phrase of “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.” Instead of the sexy connotation it tries to imply, it’s more like, “Naw, I don’t want to go anywhere. Let’s just sit here and eat some chips and watch TV.”
Nevada has a 31% obesity rate. Maybe Las Vegas can come up a new marketing slogan like “Hey, fat ass, come to Vegas and make yourself feel thin.” I did notice a casino marketing to locals had the slogan, “Lose some weight, your pockets will definitely feel lighter when you leave here.” Just kidding, we are the fattest, not stupidest.
The Las Vegas Marathon was held recently. There was a shorter version of the race for the more obese citizens where they “power waddled” to the nearest Dunkin Donuts store.
That same newspaper article said that at the current rate that Americans are becoming obese by the year 2018 nearly 50% of the country will be obese. So, apparently, if Obama was really serious about health care he should be planning to turn the hospitals into diet centers. When we go to war in the future we’ll just have our military sit on the enemies military and that will be that.
I guess I have a greater understanding now why when they are marketing the “Gentlemen’s clubs” in Las Vegas they almost always have more than one girl on the pictures. Considering how fat the Las Vegas men are the marketers are thinking with the concept, “I bet you can’t eat just one.”
Let’s not just blame ourselves for being overweight. Let’s take a look at this whole thing from the viewpoint of fat cells themselves, since they are the real culprits in this scenario:
Fat cell #1 (a male fat cell) – Hey sweetcakes, you are looking nice and plump these days, not like some of those skinny fat cell that I’ve seen lately.
Fat cell #2 (a female fat cell) – (blushing) Thanks, I do try to keep my figure expanding.
Fat cell #1 – Why don’t we hunker down together with a fine meal of hydrogenated vegetable oils and high fructose corn syrup.
Fat cell #2 – Wow! You do know how to get a girl’s attention.
So you see, it is not our fault as Americans that we are getting fatter by the day. It is the fault of the pesky fat cells that are making us that way. Besides that, if we weren’t getting fatter there would be no need for quality television shows like The Biggest Loser. It could also affect us emotionally if too many of us got thin because right now we as Americans are confident in the fact that we are “too big to fail”.
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