Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 20-10-2011
Today the darfunnyonline guest advice columnist, Dear Crabby, will spew her venom… ur, uh, I mean give some advice concerning questions our readers have about Halloween.
Thank you, Steve, you witless drone. And now that he is gone let me say to him, “bite me.” And I don’t mean in that sexy, Halloweenish, vampire type way, but just in the meanest sense of the word.
I’m still here Crabby.
And you are still a witless drone that can bite me.
Even if he’s not gone I at least got him to shut up enough to get onto the good stuff…my advice. So here we go with the first question from one of our readers:
My wife wants to dress up in a very sexy Halloween costume for the party we are going to. I think it’s too much and I’m a little embarrassed by it. Do you think I should tell her my feelings?
Dear Concerned Husband,
Quit being a wimp. I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that you will be going to the party as something more like the Pillsbury Doughboy instead of an Oscar Mayer Weiner, which means you are more likely to give your wife a yeast infection than satisfy her in bed. We girls liked to get turned on sometimes so why don’t you try a little less of the former and go with the Weiner, as it were.
(Steve’s note: It’s hard to imagine Crabby as either a girl or getting turned on…yeah, I don’t even want to think about it.)
(Crabby note: Can it, jokeless wonder, onto the next question.)
My kids really want to go trick or treating but I think it’s an archaic tradition that should not be encouraged for so many reasons that I won’t even go into here. What advice can you give me?
Mother of Rightness
Dear Mother of Rightness,
First of all, thanks for not going into your reasons to not go trick or treating. Yes, I can give you some advice. I think you actually should go trick or treating with your kids. You could go as a patient in a proctologist’s office because your ass cheeks are apparently so tight it has created a magnetic effect and caused numerous objests to get stuck up their. Lighten up a little and let your kids have a little fun. Trust me, you won’t get an allergic reaction to fun if it’s in the air.
Also, I’m pretty sure your husband would be sending me a present if I was able to get you to loosen up a little. Either that or I suggest you hook up with the guy in the first letter and couples switch with him and his wife, and you and he can be prudes together. Then everybody wins!
Okay, we have time for one more letter…
No Crabby, it’s Steve…Your advice was so bad today that I can’t let you do another letter.
Oh, it’s you. I see you you are already in your Halloween costume. You’re going as a giant goober. What are you talking about? I gave great advice.
The only thing that was great was to confirm that people should do the opposite of what you advise.
Well, if people should do the opposite of what I tell them let me adise you to live a long, happy life, starting immediately!