David Letterman’s Top Ten Lists – 11/7/11 to 11/10/11
Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 14-11-2011
Tags: David Letterman jokes, David Letterman's top ten lists, funny one-liners, hilarious jokes, really funny jokes
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Here are David Letterman’s Top Ten Lists from Monday, Tuesday and Thursday of last week:
Top Ten Rick Perry Excuses
10 There were three reasons why I messed up last night: 1. The nerves; 2. The headache; and 3. Um . . . Uh . . Oops
9 I don’t know what you’re talking about — I think things went well
8 I was up late last night watching “Dancing With the Stars”
7 I thought the debate was tonight
6 You try concentrating with Mitt Romney smiling at you. That is one handsome dude
5 Uh, El Nino?
4 I had a 5-Hour Energy Drink six hours before the debate
3 I really hoped it would get me on my favorite talk show, but instead, I ended up here
2 I wanted to help take the heat off my buddy Herman Cain
1 I just learned Justin Bieber is my father
Top Ten Things The Candidate Doesn’t Want To Hear On Election Day
10 “What? The election is today?”
9 “You need to sober up for your concession speech”
8 “You’re running for office? That’s hilarious!”
7 “There he is. Get him!”
6 “Your wife and your mistress are both here to see you”
5 “You’re losing the red states and the blue states, but you’re doing okay in the lesser-known yellow states”
4 “If pets are allowed to vote, I think we have a shot at this thing”
3 “The only endorsements we’ve got: Sylvio Berlusconi and Conrad Murray”
2 “Asteroid! Run for your lives!”
1 “Gloria Allred, Line 1”
Top Ten Signs Herman Cain Is Losing It
10 Plans to raise funds by suing himself for sexual harassment
9 Now smokes more than his campaign manager
8 Was recently found hiding in a drainpipe with a golden gun
7 Keeps asking voters if they want to touch his moustache
6 Claims Justin Bieber is his father
5 Campaigning as his hilarious alter ego, Pee-Wee Herman Cain
4 Just paid a visit to Dr. Conrad Murray
3 Spent last of campaign funds betting on the Colts
2 Gave rambling, drunken speech — oh I’m sorry, that was Rick Perry
1 He’s engaged to Kim Kardashian
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