David Letterman’s Top Ten Lists – 08/20/12 to 08/23/12
Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 27-08-2012
Tags: David Letterman jokes, David Letterman's top ten lists, funny one-liners, hilarious jokes, late night humor, late night jokes, really funny jokes
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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Top Ten Question to Ask Yourself Before Buying $300 Sneakers
10.”Are laces included?”
9.”Will I have to upgrade my socks?”
8.”May I put one shoe on layaway?”
7.”How much just for the tongues?”
6.”Foam, plastic, and string, assembled in China, for $300 — too good to be true?”
5.”What would Dr. Scholl do?”
4.”Is this the kind of excessive spending Mitt Romney is hiding on his tax returns?”
3.”Will they help me outrun my creditors?”
2.”Do I want my footwear to scream, ’sucker!’?”
1.”Will these make me ‘LeBron’ or ‘LeBroke’?”
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Top Ten Signs Your Congressman Is An Idiot
10.His desk is a foosball table
9.Still isn’t sure about ‘yea’ or ‘nay’
8.Keeps showing up for work at the Washington Monument
7.Brags that he never spends his congressional paycheck — lives off his stand-up money
6.Represents Iowa district — campaigned all summer in Ohio
5.Pays more than 13% in taxes
4.Routinely holds “join sessions” in a van parked behind the Capitol
3.Thinks ‘bi-partisan’ means two kinds of grated cheese
2.Appears regularly on C-SPAN and on “America’s Dumbest Criminals”
1.Often asks himself, “What would Todd Akin do?”
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Top Ten Signs You Might Not Be Ready To Join The Air Force
10.You’re afraid of loud noises, heights, and airplanes (First Lieutenant Maggie Rudolphi)
9.For you, the thrill of flight is the little package of salted nuts (Senior Airman Lesley Toussaint)
8.In high school, you were voted “queasiest” (Tech Sergeant Andrea Knutson)
7.You don’t mind flying once you’ve had a few drinks (Master Sergeant Chuck Kramer)
6.You pass out from G-Forces incurred from riding an escalator (Tech Sergeant Josh Haney)
5.Whenever you see an “eject” lever you impulsively pull it (First Lieutenant Agnes Leam)
4.Show up to the recruiting center carrying a seatbelt extender (Chief Master Sergeant Juan Claudio)
3.Your primary reason for enlisting is “to meet Iron Man” (Lieutenant Colonel Bonnie Bossler)
2.You giggle every time you say, “cockpit” (Master Sergeant Dusty Lee)
1.Out motto, “aim high” — your motto, “I’m high” (Colonel Marcus Johnson)
Monday, August 20, 2012
Top Ten Congressman Kevin Yoder Excuses
10.”What’s the big deal, I was naked the whole trip”
9.”It was spring break; chill out”
8.”People in the Middle East are pretty easygoing about nudity”
7.”In my defense, I had been drinking heavily”
6.”Trying to take the focus off Mitt Romney’s taxes”
5.”It had been days since a congressman did something embarrassing”
4.”It’s Obama’s fault”
3.”Putting the ‘junk’ in ‘congressional junket’”
2.”I can’t swim naked, but Barney Frank can walk around like this?”
1.”That’s how we party in Kansas”
