David Letterman’s Top Ten Lists – 05/07/12 to 05/11/12
Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 14-05-2012
Tags: David Letterman jokes, David Letterman's top ten lists, funny one-liners, hilarious jokes, late night humor, really funny jokes
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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:
Friday, May 11, 2012
Top Ten Things Your Mother Doesn’t Want to Hear on Mother’s Day
10.”Good news! We’re putting you in a home!”
9.”Eat up — this brunch also counts for Thanksgiving and Christmas”
8.”‘Love’ is too strong a word, but I don’t dislike you”
7.”You’re starting to look like Eli Wallach”
6.”Get out now, the cops know about the meth lab”
5.”My psychiatrist said I should call”
4.”For old time’s sake, would you pre-chew my food?”
3.”So you’re still alive, huh?”
2.”I booked us for brunch at the Hot Dog Hooker’s”
1.”Sorry ma’am, you’re banned from this tanning salon” (cut to shot of the Tanning Mom)
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Top Ten Other Mitt Romney Offenses
10.First degree handsomeness
9.Possession of more than 4 ounces of conditioner
8.Was late paying sales tax for his dancing horse
7.Presses every button before getting off his beach house car elevator
6.Once wore corduroy with seersucker
5.Vaccinations due for dog tied to roof of his car
4.Reckless blowdrying
3.Grand theft loafer
2.Butchering America the Beautiful
1.Involuntary dullness
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Top Ten Signs You’ll Never Throw A No-Hitter
10.You wear a glove on both hands
9.The altitude of the mound makes you dizzy
8.You performed your own Tommy John Surgery
7.Your pitches tend to bounce
6.You spend most of the game sipping cocktails in the players’ wives section
5.You can only pitch when no one’s watching
4.Last guy you struck out was Phil Rizzuto
3.You’re allergic to the rosin
2.You’re still not sure if you’re a righty or a lefty
1.Most teams don’t let the mascot pitch
Monday, May 7, 2012
Top Ten Superheroes Left Out Of “The Avengers”
10.Captain Paramus
9.Orthodonto
8.The Crossword Puzzler
7.Iron Manilow
6.The Fight Doctor, Ferdie Pacheco
5.The Human Couch
4.Genehackman
3.The Somewhat Credible Hulk
2.The Clap
1.She-Tan
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