David Letterman’s Top Ten Lists – 04/23/12 to 04/27/12
Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 30-04-2012
Tags: David Letterman jokes, David Letterman's top ten lists, late night humor, late night jokes, really funny jokes
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Here are David Letterman’s Top Ten Lists from last week:
Friday, April 27, 2012
Top Ten Pieces Of Advice For Young Athletes
10.It helps to be 6′5″, 240 pounds
9.Accentuate brown eyes by playing for a team with green uniforms
8.Trash talking is part of the game, but always follow up the next day with an apology note
7.After playing on the grass, be sure to check for ticks
6.Get out now – there’s very little money in sports
5.Tebow already has God – try thanking Ryan Seacrest
4.Study hard, practice, and spend hours and hours playing “Madden 13″
3.Keep your head on a swivel, take one game at a time, and other crap like that
2.Don’t waste your money on fast cars and fast living – Invest in tattoos
1.Talk to friends, family and clergy about which Kardashian is right for you
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Top Ten Lesser-Known Animal Ailments
10.Restless tentacle syndrome
9.Limp gizzard
8.Kibble intolerance
7.Goat gout
6.Irritable owl syndrome
5.Angry birds
4.Hoarse crabs
3.Horse crabs
2.Labored meowing
1.Sprained blowhole
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Top Ten Signs Your Boss Is A Jerk
10.Begins each day by leading a pledge of allegiance to Kim Jong-Un
9.Always asking himself, “What would Donald Trump do?”
8.Whenever you make a fresh pot of coffee, she dumps it in your lap
7.Gets upset about not getting to introduce his understudy
6.Casually walks around the office saying, “I make more than you — I make more than you”
5.You donate a kidney to her, and she’s complaining that it’s used
4.In case of fire, you’re told to stay inside and answer the phones
3.His desk is decorated with photos of your wife
2.He looks like this guy (cut to Dave)
1.Always nags you to guard the President instead of sleeping with hookers
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Top Ten Programs On Dog TV
10.”Neuter, She Wrote”
9.”Doogie Schnauzer, M.D.”
8.”America’s Got Heartworm”
7.”How I Met Your Breeder”
6.”Bones”
5.”The King Charles Spaniel Of Queens”
4.”Keeping Up With The Pomeranians”
3.”Who’s A Good Boy?” starring Nathan Lane
2.”Two Broke Bitches”
1.”Shih Tzu My Dad Says”
Monday, April 23, 2012
Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through Philip Humber’s Mind During His Perfect Game
10.”Don’t jinx it by thinking about it, don’t jinx it by thinking about it — I’m thinking about it”
9.”Thank goodness for my catcher AJ Pierzanky…Piernoftski…Piezonski…whatever”
8.”Go sit in the truck!”
7.”Thank goodness I drafted myself for my fantasy team”
6.”The only thing better than pitching a perfect game is making a perfect meatloaf every time with my new Perfect Meatlof Pan”
5.”Can Broadway’s ‘End Of The Rainbow’ really be like seeing Judy Garland in person?”
4.”Grab some pine, ducklips!”
3.”I see the Red Sox are up 9-0 on the Yanks — that’s an easy win”
2.”I wish I could get me one of those dancing horses”
1.”Humber? How about Humbest!”
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