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(I am still traveling so here is another repeat, an essay that was posted last fall.)

My nutritionist informed me the other day that I have parasites in my body.  If you are getting the image of a bunch of deadbeats lining up at a welfare pay window inside my body you are probably wrong.  I hope.

She referred to me as the “host” of these parasites.  See, now, this is the very reason I never liked throwing parties.  There is such a mess to clean up afterward.  Actually, she explained it more like my body is comparable to the typical American public (I would have preferred being called more like the Brad Pitt type, without the herd of children though, but, oh well).  The parasites are kind of like the government, with taxes, healthcare with a public option, etc.  The more of these parasites there are the less healthy you will be.  It suddenly became clear.  To clarify, I asked, “So if the head parasite tries to stimulate everything, all he is stimulating is more parasitic growth?”  “Exactly,” she confirmed.  Now I understood.

I’m pretty sure there are parasites with different personalities too, just like people.  For example, if I’m having a bad hair day, then I know the Donald Trump type parasites are really being active.  On a day where I’m feeling old and creaky in the bones my Larry King parasites are acting up.  Yesterday I had people at my door asking for a donation and my Ben Bernake type parasites where waking up and I almost gave everything away.  Luckily I had enough Jack Benny parasites in me to overcome that urge.

This morning, while getting dressed, I could only get my pants half way up my ass and I couldn’t figure out what was going on.  Finally, I realized I had inadvertently activated some male teenage parasites.  This was confirmed when my car keys were missing.

Last night as I was falling asleep and in that in-between stage of sleep and awake I swear I heard a conversation going on.  It started with some guy with a Mexican accent.  “Hey, man, you really stink.”

A guy with a heavy New York accent answered.  “Yeah, I don’t know what happened it was like I got trapped in a sewer or something.”

The Mexican guy said, “No, dumb ass, you were in the colon.  You gotta stay up here in the stomach where it‘s safe and all the good food is.  You get much lower than the colon and you are outta here, man.”

The New York guy said, “Yeah, I was feelin’ kinda flushed down there.”   Badumbump (sound effects added by me.)  Hey, who said parasites can’t have a sense of humor.

Then I heard a conversation between two fat guys.  I didn’t really get all that was said but it was something about going to McDonalds followed by a trip to Dunkin Donuts.  Apparently about two-thirds of these guys are fat, so it’s just like America, really.

Then I heard another guy trying to get a woman into bed.  It was either a French guy, Bill Clinton or John Edwards, I couldn’t tell which.

Anyway, the nutritionist told me there is a solution to all these voices in my head.  So, fortunately, I’ll be able to go back to just having the ringing in my ears.  She sold me some herbal formula, which, when I started taking it I swear I heard a voice with a Clint Eastwood type sound saying, ”Make my day.”

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Here are some jokes by comedian Dick Gregory, who was very popular back in the 60’s and 70’s:

Hell hath no fury like a liberal scorned.

I am really enjoying the new Martin Luther King Jr stamp – just think about all those white bigots, licking the backside of a black man.

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

I never learned hate at home, or shame. I had to go to school for that.

I wouldn’t mind paying taxes – if I knew they were going to a friendly country.

If it wasn’t for Abe Lincoln, I’d still be on the open market.

In most places in the country, voting is looked upon as a right and a duty, but in Chicago it’s a sport.

Just being a Negro doesn’t qualify you to understand the race situation any more than being sick makes you an expert on medicine.

Political promises are much like marriage vows. They are made at the beginning of the relationship between candidate and voter, but are quickly forgotten.

We used to root for the Indians against the cavalry, because we didn’t think it was fair in the history books that when the cavalry won it was a great victory, and when the Indians won it was a massacre.

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That is why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.

You know why Madison Avenue advertising has never done well in Harlem? We’re the only ones who know what it means to be Brand X.

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I have to take a break from writing a humor article this week.  If you came here expecting a laugh I apologize but please indulge me for one week as my wife passed away yesterday.

We had a special marriage, 28 years full of love.  She was my wife, my true love and my very best friend ever.  She was my biggest fan and I was hers.  There is nothing she wouldn’t do for me or me for her.  We truly had a unique relationship.

We had so many great friends together.  I’m so used to hearing us referred to as Tracy and Steve, or Steve and Tracy, or Tracy and that big idiot.  Whatever they said the reference was as a tandem and that’s what we were.  We were a team and nothing could stop that, not even death will do it, as she will always be in my heart.

Sorry, I have to take a break because my eyes are leaking all over my keyboard and the screen is hard to read…okay , I’m back.

Tracy was a wonderful being who touched so many people with her loving and caring personality.  When someone called her in need of help she’d usually have their problem solved before the end of the conversation.  Individually she had a many, many friends who are now as upset as I am, but we’ll recover because that’s exactly what she would want us to do.

She was much more than just problem solver though.  She was a giver and a creator of life.  When our daughter became of age to start into school Tracy was not satisfied with the public school system.  So she got involved with a private school to have our daughter go to, to ensure she would get a quality education in a safe environment.  In short order she was running the school and under her it flourished.  To many of the children she was like a second mother.   To some of them a first mother.

Her school was a big part of her life and she ran it with aplomb for 15 years.  Our daughter graduated from the school and she turned out to be a wonderful kid and now a wonderful adult.  With the mother she had it gave her a great head start and it wasn’t likely to turn out any other way.

Tracy was very successful in every endeavor she took on.  She had a unique ability to put on the blinders and make miracles happen out of literally nothing.  She did it many times.  Her next goal was to write children’s books.  She never got to do that but I can guarantee you she would have been good at it.

If it appears I’m gushing over her it’s because I am.  I already told you we were each other’s biggest fans.

She had a great sense of humor (I don’t say that just because she laughed at my jokes) and was so much fun to be with.  Whenever I wrote jokes or articles for this web site she was always the first to see them.  I don’t know that I ever got a truly objective opinion because she would laugh even if she didn’t get the joke but I surely appreciated the support.

Just as she was a success in this life she will go on to her next life and be successful in that one too.  She loved to organize things, it was her forte.  While I’m not worried about her moving on and doing well it would comfort me to know where she is.  So, if you see a young girl in a couple years with all her toys lined up and very efficiently organized that very well could be Tracy.  I’d appreciate it if you’d let me know that you found her.

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Last week I posted a classic Johnny Carson monolouge.   Here are some more of his best jokes from over the years.

“Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice president.”

“Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, ‘Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.’”

“There is a power struggle going on between President Reagan’s advisers. Moe and Curly are out. Larry is still in.”

“Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.”

“He doesn’t dye his hair, he bleaches his face.” -on Ronald Reagan

“That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford — an actor and a stuntman.”

“You get the feeling that Dan Quayle’s golf bag doesn’t have a full set of irons?”

“Read my lips: No new promises.” -on George H.W. Bush

On Jimmy Carter: Carson as Carnac the Magnificent held up the envelope to his head, divined the answer — “Yes and no, pro and con, for and against” — opened the envelope and said, “Describe Jimmy Carter’s position on three major issues.”

“Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?”

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We all know that Ted Kennedy was known as the “Lion of the Senate” but here we have what some of the late-night comedians have had to say over the years about his other “legacy”:

“Declassified papers report that John Kennedy was taking eight different medications a day. He was so wasted, his Secret Service code name was Ted Kennedy.” —Craig Kilborn

“Ted Kennedy called for Rumsfeld’s resignation. This is interesting. This marks the first time Kennedy has ever come out against anything with rum in it.” –Conan O’Brien

“During Judge Alito’s hearings, Senator Ted Kennedy accidentally referred to Sam Alito as Ali-oto. Kennedy said ‘Forgive me, I’m sober.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I’m wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?” —David Letterman

“It was a long, dull speech. Halfway through, Ted Kennedy sent drinks over to the Bush twins.” –David Letterman, on Bush’s State of the Union Address

“With rumors swirling of him possibly running for office, George Clooney said the only thing he plans to run for has two legs and a skirt. To which Ted Kennedy said, ‘You can do both.’” –Jay Leno

“What a nightmare I had last night. I dreamed I was at a Washington party and I had to choose between Dick Cheney taking me on a hunting trip or Ted Kennedy driving me home.” –Jay Leno

“Congressman Patrick Kennedy crashed his car into a barricade on Capitol Hill at 3 o’clock in the morning yesterday. The head of his office said there was no alcohol involved. That’s why it’s a big story, a Kennedy, a car accident and no alcohol? That’s never happened before.” –Jay Leno

“Sen. Ted Kennedy is writing a children’s book with his dog, from the dog’s point of view. Sen. Ted Kennedy has a dog named Splash. Is that the best name for Ted Kennedy’s dog? Isn’t that like that Jack Abramoff guy naming his dog Bribe?” –Jay Leno

“Ted Kennedy was stopped from going on an airline because his name somehow wound up on the no-fly list. Is this really safe for people? Ted Kennedy driving?” –Craig Kilborn

And one more thing, a quote that was probably never heard before outside of the Kennedy compound. “Geez, it’s not my fault she didn’t know how to swim.”