darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

In a recent poll Hillary Clinton was the most popular political figure, or at least that’s what the headlines stated.  Upon further inspection the respondents said we’d be better off with her as President than Obama.  Well, duh!  At the very least we’d be no worse off, but that’s like being given the choice of dying by lethal injection or the electric chair, you’re dead either way.  I’m guessing those respondents that said they’d prefer Hillary are just pissed at Obama, they are big fans of pants suits or they just came from their psychiatrist’s office where they received a lobotomy.  Frankly, anybody who would want either Hillary or Obama as president would probably answer their phone, “Hello, comrade.”

That survey makes me wonder whether people just don’t remember Hillary or if shock treatment is on the rise in the U.S.

Of course, if Hillary was President she could make Bill the Vice President (or President of vice might be more appropriate) and Monica Lewinsky could be the chief of his staff… oh, wait, that was supposed to be Chief of Staff.  There is also a Cabinet Post called Chief of Veteran Affairs and I’ll bet Bill could recommend someone for that position since he is the veteran of so many affairs.

You get the idea when you hear Obama talking and pushing one of his programs that are going to “save” the economy that he wishes he was doing it on Facebook because then maybe he could get someone to “like” him since that is about the only way he could get someone to like him these days.

Dallas Cowboy’s quarterback, Tony Romo played on Sunday with a broken rib, which made it hard for him to even talk after the game.  If only we could find some way to make it hard for some of our politicians to talk.  Oh wait, being accused of sex crimes always makes them reluctant to talk.

For any fans of Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt who hoped they might someday get back together I believe that door has officially been closed after Pitt was interviewed this week and said he was bored while married to her.

In Orange County, a hockey mom had sex with two of son’s 14 year-old teammates, which pretty much makes her the ultimate sports mom.  Talk about giving it up for the team!  That kid is now, officially, the kid most embarrassed by his parents.

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some really funny political quotes from the “Simpsons” TV show that have occurred over the years:

In the Simpsons episode ”The Day the Earth Was Stupid,” a spoof of ”The War of the Worlds,” two aliens talk to each other after launching an invasion and occupation of Springfield and the rest of the planet:

”The Earthlings continue to resent our presence,” one alien says. ”You said we’d be greeted as liberators!”

”Don’t worry, we still have the people’s hearts and minds,” the other alien replies, holding up a heart and a brain.

”An election!? That’s one of those deals where they close the bars isn’t it?”

—Barney Gumbel

”Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don’t have to think all the time. Just like that rainforest scare a few years back: our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn’t they?”

—Homer Simpson

”I will not buy a presidential pardon.

—Bart Simpson chalkboard gag, which was a reference to the controversy surrounding the last-minute pardons issued by President Bill Clinton on his last day in office

”The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with ‘hail Satan.”’

—Bart Simpson chalkboard gag

Krusty the Clown, announcing his candidacy for Congress: ”Gentlemen, I am your candidate. There’s just one thing. Are you guys any good at covering up youthful, middle aged indiscretions?”

Mr. Burns: ”Are these indiscretions romantic, financial or treasonous?”

Krusty: ”Russian hooker, you tell me.”

Burns: ”We’ll say you were on a fact finding mission.”

”I will not plant subliminAL messaGOREs.”

—Bart Simpson chalkboard gag. This endorsement of Al Gore just prior to the 2000 election made reference to the ‘’subliminal message” claim during the campaign, in which the word ”RAT” briefly appeared in a GOP commercial while Democrats were being mentioned

Todd Flanders: ”Daddy, what do taxes pay for?”

Ned Flanders: ”Oh, why, everything! Policemen, trees, sunshine! And let’s not forget the folks who just don’t feel like working, God bless ‘em!”

Bart Simpson: ”Didn’t you wonder why you were getting checks for doing absolutely nothing?”

Grampa Simpson: ”I figured because the democrats were in power again.”

”Ooh! A political discussion at our table. I feel like a Kennedy!”

—Lisa Simpson

”I will not scare the vice president.”

—Bart Simpson chalkboard gag, which was a reference to Vice President Dick Cheney’s heart condition

”No one cares what the definition of ‘is’ is.”

—Bart Simpson chalkboard gag, which was a reference to Bill Clinton’s famous quote during the Monica Lewinsky scandal

Grampa: ”Dear Mr. President, there are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot.”

”The president did it is not an excuse.”

—Bart Simpson chalkboard gag, which aired a day after Bill Clinton was impeached

”Lisa, if you don’t like your job, you don’t strike: you just go in every day and do it really half assed. That’s the American way.”

—Homer Simpson

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some funny observations based on current events over the last week:

A recent study revealed that female squirrels can have a many as 15 sexual partners in one day.  Wow! We knew they liked to collect nuts but that’s ridiculous.

Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum in Washington D.C. will open a new gallery next year featuring all 44presidents.  This may never have happened if Al Gore had been elected as President, it would have been too hard to make him look lifelike.

And on George Bush, the elder’s wax figure it actually has on his lips “no new taxes”.  Too bad he was never able to read that backwards in the mirror or he may have been re-elected to a 2^nd term.

There is a 103 year-old woman believed to be the world’s oldest Facebook user.  She started on Facebook because she heard it was a good placed to get poked.

Customs officials in Arizona have seized 141 counterfeit Barbie dolls headed into this country
 from Mexico. The illegal people are  still getting in but fortunately, we’re keeping the illegal
Barbies out.

A massive pillow fight that was organized on Facebook happened in Old Town Square in Prauge.Now we see why the founder of Facebook was named Man of the Year by Time Magazine.  On the downside, no girls in underwear showed up.

Controlling portions of food over the holidays can be difficult.  Researchers found one of the most effective methods is to look at your fat naked ass in the mirror before putting food in your face.

Hugh Hefner is engaged, so you get bet the stock of the company that makes Viagra is going to go up with a lot of old men trying to copycat off of Hef.  It will be a sudden rise but it will sag again quickly, I’m sure.

The government is very unhappy with WikiLeaks already so the next time I go through airport security and they do a pat-dawn on me I’m going to use one of their tactics and WikiLeak all over the agents hand.

darnfunnyonline.com

(I am still traveling so here is another repeat, an essay that was posted last fall.)

My nutritionist informed me the other day that I have parasites in my body.  If you are getting the image of a bunch of deadbeats lining up at a welfare pay window inside my body you are probably wrong.  I hope.

She referred to me as the “host” of these parasites.  See, now, this is the very reason I never liked throwing parties.  There is such a mess to clean up afterward.  Actually, she explained it more like my body is comparable to the typical American public (I would have preferred being called more like the Brad Pitt type, without the herd of children though, but, oh well).  The parasites are kind of like the government, with taxes, healthcare with a public option, etc.  The more of these parasites there are the less healthy you will be.  It suddenly became clear.  To clarify, I asked, “So if the head parasite tries to stimulate everything, all he is stimulating is more parasitic growth?”  “Exactly,” she confirmed.  Now I understood.

I’m pretty sure there are parasites with different personalities too, just like people.  For example, if I’m having a bad hair day, then I know the Donald Trump type parasites are really being active.  On a day where I’m feeling old and creaky in the bones my Larry King parasites are acting up.  Yesterday I had people at my door asking for a donation and my Ben Bernake type parasites where waking up and I almost gave everything away.  Luckily I had enough Jack Benny parasites in me to overcome that urge.

This morning, while getting dressed, I could only get my pants half way up my ass and I couldn’t figure out what was going on.  Finally, I realized I had inadvertently activated some male teenage parasites.  This was confirmed when my car keys were missing.

Last night as I was falling asleep and in that in-between stage of sleep and awake I swear I heard a conversation going on.  It started with some guy with a Mexican accent.  “Hey, man, you really stink.”

A guy with a heavy New York accent answered.  “Yeah, I don’t know what happened it was like I got trapped in a sewer or something.”

The Mexican guy said, “No, dumb ass, you were in the colon.  You gotta stay up here in the stomach where it‘s safe and all the good food is.  You get much lower than the colon and you are outta here, man.”

The New York guy said, “Yeah, I was feelin’ kinda flushed down there.”   Badumbump (sound effects added by me.)  Hey, who said parasites can’t have a sense of humor.

Then I heard a conversation between two fat guys.  I didn’t really get all that was said but it was something about going to McDonalds followed by a trip to Dunkin Donuts.  Apparently about two-thirds of these guys are fat, so it’s just like America, really.

Then I heard another guy trying to get a woman into bed.  It was either a French guy, Bill Clinton or John Edwards, I couldn’t tell which.

Anyway, the nutritionist told me there is a solution to all these voices in my head.  So, fortunately, I’ll be able to go back to just having the ringing in my ears.  She sold me some herbal formula, which, when I started taking it I swear I heard a voice with a Clint Eastwood type sound saying, ”Make my day.”

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some jokes by comedian Dick Gregory, who was very popular back in the 60’s and 70’s:

Hell hath no fury like a liberal scorned.

I am really enjoying the new Martin Luther King Jr stamp – just think about all those white bigots, licking the backside of a black man.

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

I never learned hate at home, or shame. I had to go to school for that.

I wouldn’t mind paying taxes – if I knew they were going to a friendly country.

If it wasn’t for Abe Lincoln, I’d still be on the open market.

In most places in the country, voting is looked upon as a right and a duty, but in Chicago it’s a sport.

Just being a Negro doesn’t qualify you to understand the race situation any more than being sick makes you an expert on medicine.

Political promises are much like marriage vows. They are made at the beginning of the relationship between candidate and voter, but are quickly forgotten.

We used to root for the Indians against the cavalry, because we didn’t think it was fair in the history books that when the cavalry won it was a great victory, and when the Indians won it was a massacre.

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That is why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.

You know why Madison Avenue advertising has never done well in Harlem? We’re the only ones who know what it means to be Brand X.

darnfunnyonline.com

I have to take a break from writing a humor article this week.  If you came here expecting a laugh I apologize but please indulge me for one week as my wife passed away yesterday.

We had a special marriage, 28 years full of love.  She was my wife, my true love and my very best friend ever.  She was my biggest fan and I was hers.  There is nothing she wouldn’t do for me or me for her.  We truly had a unique relationship.

We had so many great friends together.  I’m so used to hearing us referred to as Tracy and Steve, or Steve and Tracy, or Tracy and that big idiot.  Whatever they said the reference was as a tandem and that’s what we were.  We were a team and nothing could stop that, not even death will do it, as she will always be in my heart.

Sorry, I have to take a break because my eyes are leaking all over my keyboard and the screen is hard to read…okay , I’m back.

Tracy was a wonderful being who touched so many people with her loving and caring personality.  When someone called her in need of help she’d usually have their problem solved before the end of the conversation.  Individually she had a many, many friends who are now as upset as I am, but we’ll recover because that’s exactly what she would want us to do.

She was much more than just problem solver though.  She was a giver and a creator of life.  When our daughter became of age to start into school Tracy was not satisfied with the public school system.  So she got involved with a private school to have our daughter go to, to ensure she would get a quality education in a safe environment.  In short order she was running the school and under her it flourished.  To many of the children she was like a second mother.   To some of them a first mother.

Her school was a big part of her life and she ran it with aplomb for 15 years.  Our daughter graduated from the school and she turned out to be a wonderful kid and now a wonderful adult.  With the mother she had it gave her a great head start and it wasn’t likely to turn out any other way.

Tracy was very successful in every endeavor she took on.  She had a unique ability to put on the blinders and make miracles happen out of literally nothing.  She did it many times.  Her next goal was to write children’s books.  She never got to do that but I can guarantee you she would have been good at it.

If it appears I’m gushing over her it’s because I am.  I already told you we were each other’s biggest fans.

She had a great sense of humor (I don’t say that just because she laughed at my jokes) and was so much fun to be with.  Whenever I wrote jokes or articles for this web site she was always the first to see them.  I don’t know that I ever got a truly objective opinion because she would laugh even if she didn’t get the joke but I surely appreciated the support.

Just as she was a success in this life she will go on to her next life and be successful in that one too.  She loved to organize things, it was her forte.  While I’m not worried about her moving on and doing well it would comfort me to know where she is.  So, if you see a young girl in a couple years with all her toys lined up and very efficiently organized that very well could be Tracy.  I’d appreciate it if you’d let me know that you found her.

darnfunnyonline.com

Last week I posted a classic Johnny Carson monolouge.   Here are some more of his best jokes from over the years.

“Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice president.”

“Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, ‘Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.’”

“There is a power struggle going on between President Reagan’s advisers. Moe and Curly are out. Larry is still in.”

“Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.”

“He doesn’t dye his hair, he bleaches his face.” -on Ronald Reagan

“That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford — an actor and a stuntman.”

“You get the feeling that Dan Quayle’s golf bag doesn’t have a full set of irons?”

“Read my lips: No new promises.” -on George H.W. Bush

On Jimmy Carter: Carson as Carnac the Magnificent held up the envelope to his head, divined the answer — “Yes and no, pro and con, for and against” — opened the envelope and said, “Describe Jimmy Carter’s position on three major issues.”

“Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?”

darnfunnyonline.com

We all know that Ted Kennedy was known as the “Lion of the Senate” but here we have what some of the late-night comedians have had to say over the years about his other “legacy”:

“Declassified papers report that John Kennedy was taking eight different medications a day. He was so wasted, his Secret Service code name was Ted Kennedy.” —Craig Kilborn

“Ted Kennedy called for Rumsfeld’s resignation. This is interesting. This marks the first time Kennedy has ever come out against anything with rum in it.” –Conan O’Brien

“During Judge Alito’s hearings, Senator Ted Kennedy accidentally referred to Sam Alito as Ali-oto. Kennedy said ‘Forgive me, I’m sober.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I’m wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?” —David Letterman

“It was a long, dull speech. Halfway through, Ted Kennedy sent drinks over to the Bush twins.” –David Letterman, on Bush’s State of the Union Address

“With rumors swirling of him possibly running for office, George Clooney said the only thing he plans to run for has two legs and a skirt. To which Ted Kennedy said, ‘You can do both.’” –Jay Leno

“What a nightmare I had last night. I dreamed I was at a Washington party and I had to choose between Dick Cheney taking me on a hunting trip or Ted Kennedy driving me home.” –Jay Leno

“Congressman Patrick Kennedy crashed his car into a barricade on Capitol Hill at 3 o’clock in the morning yesterday. The head of his office said there was no alcohol involved. That’s why it’s a big story, a Kennedy, a car accident and no alcohol? That’s never happened before.” –Jay Leno

“Sen. Ted Kennedy is writing a children’s book with his dog, from the dog’s point of view. Sen. Ted Kennedy has a dog named Splash. Is that the best name for Ted Kennedy’s dog? Isn’t that like that Jack Abramoff guy naming his dog Bribe?” –Jay Leno

“Ted Kennedy was stopped from going on an airline because his name somehow wound up on the no-fly list. Is this really safe for people? Ted Kennedy driving?” –Craig Kilborn

And one more thing, a quote that was probably never heard before outside of the Kennedy compound. “Geez, it’s not my fault she didn’t know how to swim.”