Best of the Week’s Late Night Jokes – 12/18/09
Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 18-12-2009
Tags: David Letterman jokes, Jay Leno jokes, Jimmy Fallon jokes, late night comedian jokes, late night jokes
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Here are some of the very best jokes of the week from the late night comedians.
“Good news, ladies and gentlemen. Retail sales this year are up. That is fantastic news for the economy of China.” –David Letterman
“I was walking around today on my lunch hour, and I noticed that there are fewer sidewalk Santas this year. And then I remembered that President Obama sent the Salvation Army to Afghanistan. So that’s what happened.” –David Letterman
“And this is good. Democratic leaders are hoping to pass healthcare reform before Christmas. And really, what better Christmas present could Obama give the country than the gift of not having to talk about healthcare anymore?” –Jimmy Fallon
“This is pretty amazing. Computer technicians have found 22 million missing White House e-mails from the Bush administration. In a related story, the White House gardeners were digging in the backyard yesterday; they found three former Dick Cheney hunting buddies buried right there.” –Jay Leno
“They found 22 million missing White House e-mails. You hear President Bush’s excuse? He said he never bothered to ever send any of them because he couldn’t find a stamp.” –Jay Leno
“Huge protest and hundreds of climate change conference in Denmark. At one point, it got so bad the police played an Al Gore speech over the loud speaker just to sedate the crowd.” –Jay Leno
“During his speech at a Home Depot in Washington, D.C., today, President Obama said he thinks energy efficiency and retrofitting are ’sexy.’ He had to cut the speech short, however, after Al Gore showed up and tried to give him a lap dance.” –Jimmy Fallon
“Well, did you hear about this? According to TMZ, you know, Congress was supposed to award Tiger Woods the Congressional Gold Medal, our highest civilian honor, then had to withdraw it, because of the scandal, which seems odd to me. I mean, what’s it up to now? Fifteen mistresses? That sounds like something Congress would give you a medal for, doesn’t it?” –Jay Leno
“It’s interesting. During his speech, President Obama spoke about the difficulty of accepting a Peace Prize while we’re fighting two different wars. And President Bush got really upset. He said, ‘Hey, I’m the one who started both those wars, I should have won the prize.” –Jay Leno
“A South Carolina panel has voted not to impeach Republican Governor Mark Sanford. A fellow Republican, one of the panel chairmen, a guy named Tim Harrison, said, ‘We can not impeach for arrogance or hypocrisy.’ Well, of course not. There’d be no politicians left if you did that.” –Jay Leno
“Big day for President Obama. He accepted his Nobel Prize today and then got right back to the business of running two wars.” –David Letterman
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