Best of the Week’s Late Night Jokes 02-19-10
Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 19-02-2010
Tags: best late night jokes, Craig Ferguson jokes, David Letterman jokes, Jimmy Kimmel jokes, late night jokes
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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians. (I can’t wait until Leno is back on the air, he is the best in my opinion by far.)
“And like every president, President Obama is now worried about the poll numbers because they continue just to kind of whittle away and going down and down and down. So he decided to turn things around. What he’s going to do is invite himself to the White House for a beer.” –David Letterman
“There’s a bit of a scandal in men’s figure skating at the Olympics. Three skaters have tested positive for ‘fabulous.’” –David Letterman
“In curling, they get a 40 lb. granite stone and send it down the ice and then they sweep the debris from in front of it. It’s all the fun of shuffleboard, plus household chores.” –David Letterman
“Tiger Woods called a press conference for Friday morning. Only select journalists will be invited and no questions will be taken. Essentially, we’re going to listen to him read. Maybe he’ll announce a new batch of mistresses for 2010.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“The Winter Olympics are under way in Canada. Skiing, snowboarding, ice-skating, these are not sports. They’re vacation activities. I feel like I’m watching someone’s home movies.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“They showed the biathlon today, a combination of cross-country skiing and shooting rifles, which is known to Sarah Palin as ‘commuting.’ ” –Jimmy Kimmel
“Today is the birthday of North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il. And a lot of people want to get the guy gifts. I have a suggestion. You can’t go wrong with another pair of ladies’ sunglasses.” –David Letterman
“Bob Dylan performed at the White House last night in honor of Black History Month…Because when you think of black history, you think of a mumbling, white, Jewish guy from Minnesota.” –David Letterman
“Happy Presidents’ Day, everybody. On Presidents’ Day, we celebrate America’s presidential history by enjoying a great deal on mattresses.” –Craig Ferguson
“I think it was President Kennedy who said, ‘Ask not what you can do for your country, ask what you can do to get quality goods at discount prices.’” –Craig Ferguson
“Do you know there is a Congressional candidate from Missouri who is saying that allowing gays into the military could strengthen Al Qaeda? I’m thinking, how exactly would that work? ‘They dance better than me, and they know how to accessorize. I’m very, very angry. It’s time for jihad.’” –Craig Ferguson
“A park is opening in London with a playground for old people. It sounds great until the merry-go-round goes so fast, grandpa’s dentures fly off.” –Craig Ferguson
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