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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week – 08/26/11

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 26-08-2011

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including David Letterman and Craig Ferguson. (The rest are on vacation.)

“Yesterday, earthquake; today, hurricane. Where do you go next — Tripoli?” –David Letterman

“The earthquake registered 5.8 on the Richter scale. I’ve had bigger heart attacks than that.” –David Letterman

“The earthquake was so strong that the Tea Party shifted to the center.” –David Letterman

“President Obama is enjoying the fun and sun in Martha’s Vineyard. It’s really sad when your SPF factor is higher than your approval rating.” –David Letterman

“After the earthquake on the East Coast, they found Mayor Bloomberg standing under his desk.” –David Letterman

“On the bright side, I didn’t have to shake my morning martini.” –David Letterman

“They felt the earthquake at Martha’s Vineyard. It was so bad, President Obama nearly missed a putt.” –David Letterman

“They traced the epicenter of the earthquake to N.J. Governor Chis Christie’s aerobics class. No, to Kim Kardashian’s honeymoon suite. ” –David Letterman

“Today Mitt Romney announced he’s building a $12-million beach house in California. There’s a man who can read the mood of the country.” –David Letterman

“A guy last week put a fatwa out on me. CBS has been great. When they heard about it, they started holding auditions for my replacement.” –David Letterman

“A guy, a radical extremist, threatened to cut my tongue out. I wish I had a nickel … I think the first time was during the Academy Awards.” –David Letterman

“I’m sorry I was late coming out. Backstage I was talking to the guy from CBS. We were going through the CBS insurance policy to see if I was covered for jihad.” –David Letterman

“Tonight you people are more to me than an audience. You’re more like a human shield.” –David Letterman

There’s a fatwa on me. They say the guy that issued it is an Internet jihadist. Who says Obama isn’t creating jobs? –David Letterman

The State Department is investigating, but everyone knows it’s Leno. –David Letterman

When they killed bin Laden, he had been locked in a house with three wives for six years. So when the SEALs broke in, he said, “Just shoot me.” –David Letterman

“The east coast is still cleaning up after the earthquake. Experts say this only happens once a century. It’s Larry King’s third.” –Craig Ferguson

“Apparently there’s a crack in the Washington Monument. Calm down, Marion Barry, I said ‘a crack.’” –Craig Ferguson

“Gaddafi’s sons are getting arrested. A revolution is not the best time to be a dictator’s sons, or as they’re called in Libya, dictator tots. It’s tater tots with a “dic” in front.” –Craig Ferguson

“No one knows where the low-budget Bond villain Moammar Gaddafi is. He swears he’ll die in his compound. He’s a guy, once he gets a bad idea he sticks with it. Look at this picture. “I’m going to wear the curtains.” –Craig Ferguson

Someone sent the show an envelope with white powder which turned out to be corn starch. On the one hand, I have an enemy out there, but on the other hand, my suits will now be thicker and richer. –Craig Ferguson

Researchers in Britain claim they have created a gel that prevents tooth decay. We’ve got this in America. It’s called “toothpaste.” –Craig Ferguson

We had an Anthrax scare at the studio after they found an envelope with white powder in it. All of the staff had to leave and didn’t get any work done. It was like any other day. –Craig Ferguson

They say the envelope came from France. I knew I shouldn’t have done that Gerard Depardieu joke. –Craig Ferguson

If this had been a real threat, CBS has a plan to replace me with Ashton Kutcher. –Craig Ferguson

Everyone is watching the big global news story. We’re seeing historic changes rocking one of the most ruthless families on earth. That’s right, Kim Kardashian got married. –Craig Ferguson

Some people think Gadhafi will go into exile somewhere harmless where we can keep an eye on him. I’m thinking “Dancing With the Stars.” –Craig Ferguson

I think I speak for everyone when I say we’re hoping for an end to the bloodshed, a peaceful transition to democracy, and . . . cheaper gas. –Craig Ferguson

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Comments (3)

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Great post I must say. Simple but yet interesting and engaging. Keep up a good work!

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