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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Conan O’Brien and Craig Ferguson. (all the rest are in reruns this week.)

A German Olympic diver did one of the worst dives ever and got a score of 0.0. He tried to save face halfway through the dive. He yelled “cannon ball.” –Conan O’Brien

Jersey Shore’s Pauly D reportedly made $11 million last year. The lesson here is: Kids, don’t stay in school. It’s a huge waste of your time. Drop out now. –Conan O’Brien

This is Stage 58 at CBS. Seven and a half years — but tonight is our last night here. We’re finally moving to another studio. It kind of bothers me, though, because they wrote my name over Katie Couric’s. –Craig Ferguson

The new studio’s literally down the hall. It’s not ready yet. It’s where they used to tape “The Pat Sajak Show.” That’s why it’s taking so long to get ready. They’re trying to scrub out “that Sajak smell.” He smells like vowels. –Craig Ferguson

I have a lot of fond memories here. There was the time the power went out. The time the roof leaked. And the other time the power went out. –Craig Ferguson

But now we’re moving down the hall where it has the same electrical system. And the exact same roof. We’ll be living the dream. –Craig Ferguson

CBS would like me to inform you that these are not reruns. I’m just having some recent guests come back so we can talk about the exact same stuff we talked about last time. –Craig Ferguson

Big story at the Olympics regarding Michael Phelps. He stepped out with his girlfriend for the first time. She is a 25-year-old model from Los Angeles. Like every other model in L.A., She’s dating an older retired guy. What’s going on? –Conan O’Brien

It’s now come out just before his record-breaking 100-meter dash, gold medalist Usain Bolt ate at McDonald’s. Apparently he timed his meal so when the race started he would have exactly 9.63 seconds to get to a toilet. –Conan O’Brien

Olympic officials have disqualified a champion race walker after determining that he was doping. They disqualified him. The man said getting caught doping is almost as embarrassing as getting caught being a champion race walker. –Conan O’Brien

Tough Olympic news for the Romneys. Ann Romney’s horse Rafalka did not advance to the Olympic finals. Apparently it was beat by a smooth-talking socialist horse from Kenya. –Conan O’Brien

Mayor Bloomberg is saying now that he has banned large sodas in New York City, his next target is going to be alcohol. Once that’s out of the way he’ll start his crusade against the laughter of children. –Conan O’Brien

The movie “The Lorax” is out on DVD today. Danny DeVito is the title character. It’s an oddly shaped hairy creature that resembles a small walrus. So is the Lorax. –Craig Ferguson

Today is gymnastics at the Olympics. I used to think gymnastics wasn’t a real sport, just an excuse to wear a leotard. But I’ve learned something. I do not need an excuse to wear a leotard. –Craig Ferguson

I think the scores for Olympic gymnastics are affected by what countries the judge and the gymnast are from. That’s wrong. That type of political pandering isn’t meant for gymnastic Olympic events. It’s meant for the Supreme Court. –Craig Ferguson

An American judo fighter was expelled from the Olympics after testing positive for marijuana. Officials became suspicious when he kept stopping the match and saying, “What are we fighting for, man?” –Conan O’Brien

Mitt Romney is claiming he’ll create 12 million jobs in his first term. However, Romney hasn’t said whether he’ll create those jobs in China or India. –Conan O’Brien

It is week two of the Olympics. Wow, it is just whizzing by, this Olympics. Seems like it was only yesterday that it was a month before the Olympics. –Craig Ferguson

Is London really the right venue for beach volleyball? Nothing says beach volleyball more than a cold, rainy day in east London. –Craig Ferguson

There is a big Hollywood movie opening — “Total Recall.” It’s a remake of the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. It’s a movie that asks two haunting questions: “What is reality?” and “Will you pay to see a movie that kind of stunk the first time?” . –Craig Ferguson

The new movie doesn’t have Arnold Schwarzenegger. It’s got Colin Farrell. I don’t think Colin Farrell is a good replacement — because he can act. . –Craig Ferguson

“Total Recall” is about a guy who wakes up with no memory, which is a perfect role for Colin Farrell because he’s Irish. They’re used to it. . –Craig Ferguson

Colin Farrell’s character is a spy, and his wife is an assassin who’s trying to kill him. That must be why they didn’t bring back Arnold Schwarzenegger. He could never relate to a character whose wife wants to kill him. . –Craig Ferguson

The Romneys have a horse competing in the Olympics. Ann Romney’s horse failed to win a medal in the dressage event today, which is a shame because if there’s one thing that family needs, it’s more gold. –Conan O’Brien

Ann Romney’s Olympic horse is named Rafalco. She said I needed a silly name that no one’s ever heard of before and Mitt was taken. –Conan O’Brien

A former U.S. Olympic swimmer in an interview said that nearly all elite competitive swimmers pee in the pool regularly. So apparently I am an elite competitive swimmer. –Conan O’Brien

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