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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

Yesterday Michael Phelps set an all-time Olympic record for most medals. Phelps has so much gold on his chest he’s been asked to join the cast of “Jersey Shore.” –Conan O’Brien

Did you hear this big scandal? Eight female badminton players were expelled from the Olympics for trying to lose on purpose. So tragically, they’ll never have another chance to play badminton unless they get invited to a picnic. –Conan O’Brien

Seriously, the Olympic badminton players were apparently trying to lose on purpose, a big story. But really, think about it, if you train day and night for four years to be in the Olympics for badminton, in a way, haven’t you already lost? –Conan O’Brien

The U.S. team has swept all the medals in the skeet shooting event. So despite our bad economy, it’s nice to know our country has never been safer from an attack of skeets. –Conan O’Brien

Today is “Swiss National Day.” We celebrate with cheese with holes in it. –Craig Ferguson

I can’t decide if I’m excited or not about “Swiss National Day.” I guess you could say I’m completely “neutral.” –Craig Ferguson

There is a big show business birthday today. MTV. Yes, “music television” started this day in 1981. In the early days of MTV, record companies had no idea it would become so important. So they actually told well-known artists to stay away because it might hurt record sales. It’s hard to imagine the record industry being behind the curve on new technology. –Craig Ferguson

Case in point, they still call themselves the “record industry.” –Craig Ferguson

Tonight’s an amazing show. It might be our best show ever. In fact, the show tonight is so good the Chinese have accused us of doping. –Conan O’Brien

The Olympics are getting mixed reviews. People are angry at NBC for showing a promo that revealed the winner of a swimming event even though the race hadn’t aired yet. NBC apologized saying, “We’re just not used to people watching our network.” –Conan O’Brien

An Australian swimmer who failed to win a gold medal is blaming her loss on social media. In her defense, it is really hard to tweet when you’re swimming. –Conan O’Brien

Olympic officials said Saudi Arabia’s first female athlete will be allowed to compete while wearing a headscarf. A Saudi woman said she’s thrilled about the ruling. All she needs now is a man to drive her to the Olympics. –Conan O’Brien

Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it’s getting worse. That’s not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours. –Craig Ferguson

Equestrian and sailing are sports for people growing up on the mean streets of Connecticut. –Craig Ferguson

The word “sailing” sounds cool. It sounds better than “yachting,” which sounds like something Mitt Romney does in his indoor lake. –Craig Ferguson

Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy. –Craig Ferguson

So far China has won the most gold medals, ladies and gentlemen. The Chinese athletes can’t wait to get home and show the medals off to the kids who made them. –Conan O’Brien

Olympic organizers are reportedly struggling to fill rows and rows of empty seats. Empty seats! In fact, yesterday officials put out a casting call asking for 200 Europeans or eight Americans. –Conan O’Brien

Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn’t doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years. –Conan O’Brien

A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name “Speedo.” It doesn’t sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts. – Craig Ferguson

When I’m watching the TV, I like to feel like I’m part of the action. So I always watch the Olympic swimming from my bathtub. – Craig Ferguson

They were saying we might get hit by remnants of tropical depression Fabio. That sounds like the saddest romance novel cover ever. –Jimmy Kimmel

“Fabio” should not be allowed for tropical storms for the same reason the DMV rejects certain names for license plates. –Jimmy Kimmel

The big story here in Los Angeles, of course, the L.A. City Council has just voted to ban medical marijuana sales at all 790 dispensaries. You know this means? Some people may have to resort to smoking non-medical marijuana. Good luck finding that! –Jay Leno

In the spirit of the Olympic Games, they traditionally ask that all fighting and warfare around the world stop. So, there’s hope for a ceasefire within the Jackson family. –Jay Leno

A judge has ruled that Katherine Jackson, Michael’s mother, will no longer have custody of Michael’s kids because of bad decisions. Not only that, but they took down her statue from the Neverland Ranch. –Jay Leno

Mitt Romney annoyed the British by saying that London seemed unprepared for the Olympics. You know, putting his foot in his mouth like that is not very presidential. Vice presidential, sure. Yeah, but not presidential. –Jay Leno

This year’s Olympics will be replacing the women’s beach volleyball bikinis with uniforms that are less revealing. The stricter dress code was made to appease the conservative nation of “Buzzkillistan.” –Conan O’Brien

The cast of “Modern Family” delayed production for the upcoming season due to a contract dispute. I think I speak on behalf of men everywhere when I say, “Give Sofia Vergara whatever she wants.” –Conan O’Brien

A report shows smoking marijuana can help eliminate diarrhea. It’s true. The finding was called significant by doctors and a win-win by Taco Bell. –Conan O’Brien

The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out a plate of cookies and some milk for Bob Costas. –David Letterman

The opening ceremonies will feature the parade of athletes from 107 bankrupt nations. –David Letterman

I read that one of the presidential debates will have a town hall format where citizens will ask the candidates questions. The most common question: “Are you the only two choices?” –Jimmy Fallon

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said he will think about running for president in 2016 if Obama wins in November. But until then he said he’ll just think about pancakes. –Jimmy Fallon

Scotland announced that it will legalize gay marriage. I don’t know what’s bigger news, that Scotland did that or that a country where guys wear plaid skirts didn’t already have gay marriage. –Jimmy Fallon

Mitt Romney is getting a lot of attention for a series of gaffes he’s made while he’s in London. And in response, Romney said that he has nothing but respect for the people of England, especially their monarch, Queen Latifah. –Jimmy Fallon

The favorite to win the Olympic gold medal in archery is a legally blind athlete from South Korea, mainly because everyone else is too scared to compete next to him. –Jimmy Fallon

Next week, President Obama will celebrate his 51st birthday. Obama already got one really nice gift: Mitt Romney’s trip to London. –Jimmy Fallon

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